How to spot a dom?

[Xswfx]

what do you want out of a Dom?

like a person who is dominant in the relationship. not a paid dom.

 

[barefootgirl69]

The best way to meet someone is simply by getting to know people. I bet there are people you know who are in the lifestyle. No, not everyone in the LS is already in a relationship, they could be between partners.

Someone mentioned finding a local group on Fetlife, and that's a great start. Attend a Munch - which is a generic dinner where you meet and talk to people.

Take your time getting to know anyone before jumping into submitting for them.

 

[J D Danger]

nada

you have been given good advice by people who most likely have more real life..club and BDSM experience then I do

so I will simply echo what they have said

if I were you I would learn what I could of the BDSM scene local to you(if there is one)

Fet life can be a good resource although you will have to navigate around the content creators and sex workers

but there are some very good groups that could lead you to munchies and other gatherings that are just regular people with kinks trying to be a part of a community

 

[seekingAlpha]

When spotting a Dom:

• Communicate first: ask for number of expected reps, lift-off preference, and failure cues.
• Use a stable stance with hands ready (under the armpits for squats, hovering just below the bar for bench).
• Only touch the bar when the rep is truly failing.
• Give the minimum help needed for them to complete the rep — never steal it.

Your job is safety and support at this time, not being submissive, and not lifting the weight for them. Let them push their limits while staying protected.
Spot perfectly, and you’ll earn the highest gym praise: a quiet “good girl,” and then you will be used and shared like a piece of worn out gym equipment while everyone watches.

 

[average_red]

I suspect that you are asking the wrong question, it probably would help to first ask what kind of Dom you want, and then try to drill down to the characteristics that you can use to identify potential matches.

I recommend using people from the opposite gender to advise you. We generally don't see the opposite genders behavior objectively enough to recognize what traits are indicators of other traits.

 

[Thomas_Hardy]

How would i ever spot a dom in the wild? Lol! Its so hard to tell!! Im sexually submissive , and i have attracted mostly vanilla or switch people my whole life.

Often, it's opaque allusions that are dropped, there to be pick up in convo by anybody attuned to kink.

My most memorable come on in this way happened at a dance, we had been dancing for a while and got talking about jobs and why we chose them. She began reflecting on why she chose medicine, and it went a bit like ..

 

[dirtyblonde1313]

They never introduce themselves as dominant, nor do they expect anyone to submit without consent or conversation. What people usually notice is their calm confidence, the ease with which they make decisions, and their willingness to take the lead when it’s welcomed. They pay close attention to others, offer choices, and respect boundaries. Their presence feels steady rather than controlling, and people often feel safe and heard around them. They have no interest in forcing authority on strangers, but those who enjoy structure and direction often relax in their orbit and naturally lean into that dynamic. When that happens, they talk about it openly, because their dominance is built on trust, clarity, and mutual agreement, not assumption.

Liking this wasn’t enough… this so well put. Thank you.

But as someone else mentioned, start by identifying what you want in a Dom. Then consider what personality traits those would show as day to day. And then get really good at open, honest communication and start talking about what you need from a Dom. A good Dom will be happy you are communicating.

 

[wwot40]

Liking this wasn’t enough… this so well put. Thank you.

But as someone else mentioned, start by identifying what you want in a Dom. Then consider what personality traits those would show as day to day. And then get really good at open, honest communication and start talking about what you need from a Dom. A good Dom will be happy you are communicating.

you are very welcome

 

[untamedmind]

i also wish there was an easy way. its like trying to find a mythical creature!

 

[J D Danger]

Liking this wasn’t enough… this so well put. Thank you.

But as someone else mentioned, start by identifying what you want in a Dom. Then consider what personality traits those would show as day to day. And then get really good at open, honest communication and start talking about what you need from a Dom. A good Dom will be happy you are communicating.

This is also very well said

 

[dirtyblonde1313]

This is also very well said

Well thanks!

 

[Mrbingo1976]

you wouldn't happen to know such a person?

lol

 

[lelarae]

They never introduce themselves as dominant, nor do they expect anyone to submit without consent or conversation. What people usually notice is their calm confidence, the ease with which they make decisions, and their willingness to take the lead when it’s welcomed. They pay close attention to others, offer choices, and respect boundaries. Their presence feels steady rather than controlling, and people often feel safe and heard around them. They have no interest in forcing authority on strangers, but those who enjoy structure and direction often relax in their orbit and naturally lean into that dynamic. When that happens, they talk about it openly, because their dominance is built on trust, clarity, and mutual agreement, not assumption.

Very articulate description….

 

[kreemi_pi]

How to spot a dom...

I recommend using a paintball gun, so the spots are big and bright

 

[RDNTDGR]

The Dom may spot you and approach. Are you ready for that? I don't know many subs that approach unless instructed to by their Dom husband\BF. We prefer to live & let live and keep our frequency open for Doms or subs, couples or singles that look like fun. We turn it on & off. We get approached as a couple and are often asked if we are from Great Britain. It's how we dress and carry ourselves. for us, frequency, local awareness and attitude help us determine who we approach.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

in the cross hairs.

 

[Dom70]

If I may?
Join fetlife.
Make a good profile for yourself.
If you are female...(forgive me here, but it IS true !) put a semi sexy picture on your profile (NOT using your face for your protection) and if you have said you are a submissive....the messages WILL come pouring in from every kind of dom (NOT capitalized) possible !!! TRUST ME! It seems like every 22-32 year old with a dick pic thinks he is a Dom, when they have NO idea what a REAL DOM is responsible for...OR what it entails.
Go to some local munches (relaxed vanilla get togethers to meet fellow kinksters. Meet some people...especially the host (or hostess) and ask to be introduced around. (At a munch last night I met 3 new people) Ask the host/hostess about reputable Doms if you'd like. They will usually be honest with you.
Attend an event with someone you met at a munch...that can be trusted. Watch...learn...simply observe...and LISTEN. You can learn a LOT simply by listening to people talk.
Go back to fetlife and read the messages again. It will become a BIT clearer now from what you read who is a Dom...and who SAYS he is a dom.
That is a very elementary intro sequence that has worked for a couple submissive friends that I have met that have found Dom's that they have enjoyed. Hope it helped ! BEST of luck !!!

 

[TryingTooHard]

I think it’s harder to spot a submissive in the wild. Too many have to be strong in life and business and need to let go and submit in private

Absolutely right!