VelvetDarkness
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That's a beautiful post Cathleen. It also shows amazing insight as a teacher. I'm sure Bailadora will be pleased that you shared it.
How to teach self-worth: a parent's dilemma
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bailadora
We create the dreams.
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Yep, I agree with Velvet: what a beautiful and insightful post, Cathleen. Many, many thanks. I really like this idea.
Velvet - I have been paying more attention to her interaction with her friends and what I've found is that she's sort of a chameleon. She tends to take a leadership role with her friends that have a more docile personality. And with those who are more assertive, she tends to just kind of sit back and go with the flow. She seems to be a social butterfly who'll talk with just about anyone and she does seem have a huge amount of empathy for people. So I do find that a bit more reassuring.
At the same time, I do think she's becoming more aware of and starting to buy into all the media hype and all of it's crap. And you are so very correct with regard to how pervasive it is. I know I can't outright ban all of it, but some of the stuff I see marketed to little girls is just totally out of line, IMO. I have been dubbed the "mean momma" by some of my family and friends because there are some things such as the bratz dolls and kiddie makeup (including lip gloss) that I just do not allow into the house. They all think I'm overreacting, but I think it's hard enough instilling values and morals without the extra hype adding to the distraction.
Velvet - I have been paying more attention to her interaction with her friends and what I've found is that she's sort of a chameleon. She tends to take a leadership role with her friends that have a more docile personality. And with those who are more assertive, she tends to just kind of sit back and go with the flow. She seems to be a social butterfly who'll talk with just about anyone and she does seem have a huge amount of empathy for people. So I do find that a bit more reassuring.
At the same time, I do think she's becoming more aware of and starting to buy into all the media hype and all of it's crap. And you are so very correct with regard to how pervasive it is. I know I can't outright ban all of it, but some of the stuff I see marketed to little girls is just totally out of line, IMO. I have been dubbed the "mean momma" by some of my family and friends because there are some things such as the bratz dolls and kiddie makeup (including lip gloss) that I just do not allow into the house. They all think I'm overreacting, but I think it's hard enough instilling values and morals without the extra hype adding to the distraction.
subwannabe
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I was just talking to me wife the other night, trying to explain Mars and Venus to her. I feel I have a lot more understanding of the female mindset than she does of the male mindset. The media, advertisers, etc. seem to have conditioned girls from an early age that they have to look like this but I'm not so sure females themselves understand that that's not really the way that real men think. For instance, I was telling my wife the other night that men like to look at women's cleavage, legs, etc out in public. Almost all men will look at cleavage. They're dead if they don't. The thing is that men want to look at everyone's cleavage and they like seeing a variety. We don't look at 90% of women and think to ourselves, "Oh, she doesn't look like a model", we look at 90% of women's cleavage and are thinking, "That's nice". Do we like to see models on magazines? Sure. But we also like to go to the beach, etc and look at all the bikinis from real women. In fact, we actually prefer seeing real women. In fact, whenever I see models going down a runway for a fashion show I think most of the models are too skinny and unattractive, usually wearing ugly clothing that no one in real life actually wears anyway, and, they usually have no boobs! Somehow young girls and older women need to realize that in reality guys like looking at everyone, not just models and that we like a variety.
emptynester
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Bailadora,
In my opinion I would not worry at all about how your daughter feels at 7. You can reinforce to her that she is beautiful, but also explain the importance of being humble and not talking about her looks in front of others.
I feel strongly that if a child does not develop self esteem at an early age, it is much more difficult to obtain as the child grows older. If she feels pretty, she feels good about herself and will be more confident. That will hopefully carry her through those tough teenage years when girls start forming their little groups and excluding others not as pretty, talented, popular, etc.
Boys just get mad and fight it out. Girls, however, can be brutal with words. Without self-esteem and confidence at an early age, those things can be very detrimental and cause a child to feel down on themselves and less important than others. Many parents have to cope with the opposite of your problem and even seek counseling for their child in order to try and help them accept themselves for who they are.
If I were you, I would be thankful while still letting her know how important it is that she not brag about it or openly flaunt her looks. You can create in her the awareness that being beautiful has more to do with who she is on the inside and not as much on her physical appearance.
She is old enough to understand that being conceited and talking about her looks will make her ugly on the outside regardless of her physical beauty. Honestly I would not make a huge deal out of it. As my mother used to say, "she will drop that habit and pick up one much worse".
She was of course talking about my sister and not me.
In my opinion I would not worry at all about how your daughter feels at 7. You can reinforce to her that she is beautiful, but also explain the importance of being humble and not talking about her looks in front of others.
I feel strongly that if a child does not develop self esteem at an early age, it is much more difficult to obtain as the child grows older. If she feels pretty, she feels good about herself and will be more confident. That will hopefully carry her through those tough teenage years when girls start forming their little groups and excluding others not as pretty, talented, popular, etc.
Boys just get mad and fight it out. Girls, however, can be brutal with words. Without self-esteem and confidence at an early age, those things can be very detrimental and cause a child to feel down on themselves and less important than others. Many parents have to cope with the opposite of your problem and even seek counseling for their child in order to try and help them accept themselves for who they are.
If I were you, I would be thankful while still letting her know how important it is that she not brag about it or openly flaunt her looks. You can create in her the awareness that being beautiful has more to do with who she is on the inside and not as much on her physical appearance.
She is old enough to understand that being conceited and talking about her looks will make her ugly on the outside regardless of her physical beauty. Honestly I would not make a huge deal out of it. As my mother used to say, "she will drop that habit and pick up one much worse".
She was of course talking about my sister and not me.
Queenbee101
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I have 5 kids my oldest is a boy ,and he is 15. I agree with you and your concern. Some of the girls my son has had as friends view beauty as most do, and they have eating disorders or cutting etc.
My dad being a strict Italian always said, " looks will only get you so far, for so long, and if your ugly to people, or ugly on the inside you are ugly on the outside as well."
It took a long time for me and my sisters to get it but we did as adults.
But if she is pretty and confident and smart she will get very far. That's society it's sad but true. Looks are everything.
Just try to instill in her good morals and kindness and teach her the best that you can. That is all you can do and she will be her own person but hopefully the person you want her to be.
Kids are cruel and as teenagers they go through phases of plain stupidity but in the the end she will be ok. Just do all you can and teach by example.
Too bad they don't come with a How to book for us
My dad being a strict Italian always said, " looks will only get you so far, for so long, and if your ugly to people, or ugly on the inside you are ugly on the outside as well."
It took a long time for me and my sisters to get it but we did as adults.
But if she is pretty and confident and smart she will get very far. That's society it's sad but true. Looks are everything.
Just try to instill in her good morals and kindness and teach her the best that you can. That is all you can do and she will be her own person but hopefully the person you want her to be.
Kids are cruel and as teenagers they go through phases of plain stupidity but in the the end she will be ok. Just do all you can and teach by example.
Too bad they don't come with a How to book for us
Eilan
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A bit of a hijack, I suppose
I haven't commented on this thread because I think that others have done a much better job of saying what I was going to say, but I've been reading. Good stuff.
My girls are 10, 8, 6, and 5, and for the two oldest, the issue hasn't been so much about looks, but about popularity, though I suppose appearance and popularity often go hand-in-hand. I remember that I was 10 years old (fifth grade) when I started worrying about being popular, but my third-grader started talking about popularity last year. She's the most outgoing of my daughters and she seems to be well-liked--her teachers say she's a sweetheart to her classmates and to the teachers and staff. At home, unfortunately, she sometimes taunts her sisters by saying, "I'm popular, and you're not." Argh!
I've certainly tried to teach my girls that there's more to life (and going to school) than popularity, but my eight-year-old knows just what to say to get her sisters fired up; I'm not even sure my kindergartener knows what it means to be popular, but she gets upset because she knows her big sister is teasing her about something.
Just this afternoon, my oldest, who's in fifth grade, her last year of elementary school, said to me, "I don't think kids should worry about being popular until they're in middle school." Great. As if my worrier needs something else to worry about next year.
We ended up having a nice little discussion. I'm sure that she'll still worry about it--I know I did when I was her age. I'm glad she's talking about it.
I really think that kids are listening to the messages their parents send them, even if it often seems like they're not.
I haven't commented on this thread because I think that others have done a much better job of saying what I was going to say, but I've been reading. Good stuff.
My girls are 10, 8, 6, and 5, and for the two oldest, the issue hasn't been so much about looks, but about popularity, though I suppose appearance and popularity often go hand-in-hand. I remember that I was 10 years old (fifth grade) when I started worrying about being popular, but my third-grader started talking about popularity last year. She's the most outgoing of my daughters and she seems to be well-liked--her teachers say she's a sweetheart to her classmates and to the teachers and staff. At home, unfortunately, she sometimes taunts her sisters by saying, "I'm popular, and you're not." Argh!
I've certainly tried to teach my girls that there's more to life (and going to school) than popularity, but my eight-year-old knows just what to say to get her sisters fired up; I'm not even sure my kindergartener knows what it means to be popular, but she gets upset because she knows her big sister is teasing her about something.
Just this afternoon, my oldest, who's in fifth grade, her last year of elementary school, said to me, "I don't think kids should worry about being popular until they're in middle school." Great. As if my worrier needs something else to worry about next year.
We ended up having a nice little discussion. I'm sure that she'll still worry about it--I know I did when I was her age. I'm glad she's talking about it.
I really think that kids are listening to the messages their parents send them, even if it often seems like they're not.
Ya know, my girls have just never been that interested in Bratz or Barbies, and I'm perfectly okay with that. We have a few of them, thanks to my mom, but I can't tell you when I last saw any of my girls playing with them.bailadora said:
I agree that you might be reading a bit much into this - all she said was she's beautiful. Maybe it's a comment on her physical appearance, maybe it's just the fallout of education's 'every child is a special unique snowflake' mentality.
If you're really worried, just ask her what she thinks beauty is. But that's an advanced question if you think about it, so don't take her response as gospel - she may very well be confused by that question.
As for her self-worth, it's not something you can teach - and I speak from experience on this. My entire childhood I was told, again and again, that I was special and unique and fine just the way I was. Then I was bombarded by parents who were never satisfied by my grades, always always always pushing me to do more than just accepting what I was, friends who wouldn't talk to me if I didn't watch the same cartoons or listen to the right music, teachers who focused more on correcting mistakes than understanding their students (when they didn't just ignore us outright)...
...you get the point. Self-worth isn't something a seven-year-old really understands. They need validation, and that's something you can give them. Accept them first, let them know you love them, then worry about helping them reach their potential. It's a fine line, to be sure, but all you can do is your best.
This is from the child's viewpoint and not the parent's, however, so take it as you will.
If you're really worried, just ask her what she thinks beauty is. But that's an advanced question if you think about it, so don't take her response as gospel - she may very well be confused by that question.
As for her self-worth, it's not something you can teach - and I speak from experience on this. My entire childhood I was told, again and again, that I was special and unique and fine just the way I was. Then I was bombarded by parents who were never satisfied by my grades, always always always pushing me to do more than just accepting what I was, friends who wouldn't talk to me if I didn't watch the same cartoons or listen to the right music, teachers who focused more on correcting mistakes than understanding their students (when they didn't just ignore us outright)...
...you get the point. Self-worth isn't something a seven-year-old really understands. They need validation, and that's something you can give them. Accept them first, let them know you love them, then worry about helping them reach their potential. It's a fine line, to be sure, but all you can do is your best.
This is from the child's viewpoint and not the parent's, however, so take it as you will.
