How to tell a boyfriend you want him to dominate you?

[teknight]

Ok. Cool. She can tell him about it. I don't think I explicitly said she had to be covert and sneaky...but maybe I came across that way. Communication, esp. on them internets is kinda crazy.

His words "I don't think I can dominate a girl"...if that's the vebatim statement, it doesn't mean he can't do it...he just doesn't know. Besides, I'm answering her question. It's up to her to apply this stuff (tricky, long term) or not. It's up to her to explain to him what's going on (or not). He might even catch on...crazy idea, I know.

And are you saying that regular people don't do this sort of stuff (not turning their SOs into uberDoms), but getting them to perform new behaviors...to change their ways, if you will? I'll give you $5 if you take out the garbage early on garbage day. What? Not the same thing, you say? Think about it. (sort of a dumb example, but, hey, it works).

Does your argument mean that she doesn't have the right to the information? No. There exists a way, which is what I'm espousing. She can choose not to apply it, especially if he proves unhappy. But neither you nor I know him nor her. Frankly we have a sliver of information to go on. Not knowing any better, I'd say there's a slim chance he'll enjoy it. Also, I choose not to assume that human nature is set in stone. You can change.

As for the mindfuck of she controls him to control her...meh. It needn't be that, actually, not if it catches on. (Yes, notice the "if" statement there). Also, apparently there is such a thing as topping from the bottom....Bottom line, she might have a way to satisfy her kinky craving, and we're just speculating on whether or not this would be damaging and hurtful to him. We don't know. I say she should try it. If it makes you feel better, I'll say this too: YourPlaydoll, make sure to let him know that you'd like to try to bring about the dom/top behavior in him and mention the methods ..assuming you're still interested.
Does this meet your ethical standards?

 

[FungiUg]

Does this meet your ethical standards?

Not unless he agrees to it. As you say, she can ask.

 

[KoPilot]

I dunno, S seems to be a doing a pretty kickass job of going from vanilla guy with some dominant tendencies, to guy that enjoys tying me up and inflicting pain. It's definitely possible for someone to discover that they like that stuff... but the makin's have to be there all along if it's to be genuine.

 

[FungiUg]

[...]vanilla guy with some dominant tendencies[...]

That can work well. That's more a case of emphasising something that's already there. Hey, we dominants have to start from somewhere!

 

[teknight]

Quasi dom?

Here's a question for you:
Is being a Dom a 24/7 thing? Or can I dominate every once in awhile during sex?

 

[FungiUg]

Is being a Dom a 24/7 thing? Or can I dominate every once in awhile during sex?

Whichever works for you. The only real rule is "know thyself".

 

[teknight]

Thread hijack

Whichever works for you. The only real rule is "know thyself".

Wait a second! Isn't that a matter for the masturbation threads?

 

[FungiUg]

Wait a second! Isn't that a matter for the masturbation threads?

That too.

There's a big chunk of interactivity in sexuality (nooo... really?) so your partner (or partners) do have a big impact on how you express elements of yourself such as dominance.

While you get to learn your partners, you also get to learn what you yourself are capable of. So in relation to your earlier question, some dominants are full on (24x7), some aren't. If you're a switch, you get to try both sides of the equation. I suspect many dominants wouldn't even consider themselves to be a "dominant".

So it's about learning what works for you. In relation to your partners, sure. But the right partner will help you express parts of yourself... you can't express what isn't there.

 

[teknight]

That too.

There's a big chunk of interactivity in sexuality (nooo... really?) so your partner (or partners) do have a big impact on how you express elements of yourself such as dominance.

While you get to learn your partners, you also get to learn what you yourself are capable of. So in relation to your earlier question, some dominants are full on (24x7), some aren't. If you're a switch, you get to try both sides of the equation. I suspect many dominants wouldn't even consider themselves to be a "dominant".

So it's about learning what works for you. In relation to your partners, sure. But the right partner will help you express parts of yourself... you can't express what isn't there.

Interactivity? Hell, no, I just lay there!

And I guess you're right, but if you don't go looking for the parts (not that you have to) you'll never know what is there.

 

[FungiUg]

And I guess you're right, but if you don't go looking for the parts (not that you have to) you'll never know what is there.

Some parts are hard to miss.

Generally, the tendency to enjoy dominance and submission (which are natural parts of every human psyche) express themselves fairly early on, from what I understand of the psychology of it. I think if you ask many dominants and submissives, most of them will give you an indication that it's something they've had as a part of themselves since puberty.

That doesn't mean open minded exploration isn't a good thing: it most certainly is. It's all part of learning about yourself.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

disregard.

 

[YourPlaydoll]

OK, guys, this thread has gone pretty far when I was gone for UK in past few days...
I got my boyfriend to tie me up to a bed this time

Anyways, the thing about my boyfriend is, he's never really tried being a Dom, so I suspect he's feeling insecure or something and is therefore scared to try out something in that range. What I believe is that some talking to him, if done properly, could at least make him give it a try, see if he can do it. The thing is he said 'he thinks he couldn't dominate a woman', without actually ever trying, so this is just a guess without actually trying.

Note he is not very well educated in this area, he has a brief idea of domination but I'm not sure how to really introduce it in a soft way to him. I don't really want to scare him off with proposing things like hot wax, etc. Neither do I want him to do anything he's not comfortable doing. I just want to upgrade our sexual relationship to another level, which I'd enjoy better and hopefully, he'd enjoy it too.

As it has been mentioned earlier in the thread, I don't want him to be 24/7 Dom. I want him to bring it up in our sex every now and then... Maybe once or twice a month, for a start. I just want him to be introduced to this as a kind of sex play, just like we already do roleplay and such. You know, something you do occasionally just to add a little more spice to your sex.

 

[teknight]

OK, guys, this thread has gone pretty far when I was gone for UK in past few days...
I got my boyfriend to tie me up to a bed this time

Anyways, the thing about my boyfriend is, he's never really tried being a Dom, so I suspect he's feeling insecure or something and is therefore scared to try out something in that range. What I believe is that some talking to him, if done properly, could at least make him give it a try, see if he can do it. The thing is he said 'he thinks he couldn't dominate a woman', without actually ever trying, so this is just a guess without actually trying.

Note he is not very well educated in this area, he has a brief idea of domination but I'm not sure how to really introduce it in a soft way to him. I don't really want to scare him off with proposing things like hot wax, etc. Neither do I want him to do anything he's not comfortable doing. I just want to upgrade our sexual relationship to another level, which I'd enjoy better and hopefully, he'd enjoy it too.

As it has been mentioned earlier in the thread, I don't want him to be 24/7 Dom. I want him to bring it up in our sex every now and then... Maybe once or twice a month, for a start. I just want him to be introduced to this as a kind of sex play, just like we already do roleplay and such. You know, something you do occasionally just to add a little more spice to your sex.

I just use pepper whenever I need to add spice.

 

[CutieMouse]

A few things stood out to me -

However, this guy I'm now dating, is not so much into it. I onced showed him an article in some magazine about D/s, just to see his reaction before confessing my fetish to him. However, he said: "I don't think I could dominate a girl. I could do sub maybe but domination is not for me, I think."

He didn't say "I don't think I could dominate a girl" and drop it at that. He followed up with "I could do sub maybe..." You seem to be focusing on the first bit, and ignoring the last bit.

So, I told him I wanted to dominate him and he played the role of the sub well. However, I also want to be the sub sometimes... We do rough sex from time to time, but it's not a proper domination with any roleplay or anything, or any REAL domination, he just does it a bit rougher.

Define "proper" or "REAL domination". What if in his mind rough sex is being dominant? What if his definition of "REAL domination" [in the bedroom] has nothing to do with roleplay?

Behavior modification is easy. It's not a dirty trick. It's not going to make him miserable, because, in order for him to adopt these new behaviors, he's going to have to be reinforced for them. He's going to have to like what's going on.

"But he can't possibly like them, 'cause human nature is immutable." That very well might be, I'll grant you that. But, he would be receiving his reinforcement from her pleasure-or are you saying that he wouldn't like to pleasure her?

<snip>

Is there a chance that he'd dislike it? Sure, absolutely. But, he'd be giving her pleasure...so he'd have to be some special kind of soul to not like giving her pleasure.

For the last time: the only thing she's asking for is that he play the dominant party for sex once in awhile. She's not asking that he become UberDom, complete with fully equipped dungeon and a sadist streak, only that she play a part, like an actor. You do know that the guys that play Hitler in movies and plays are not (necessarily) Nazis, right?

Sorry, I don't buy it.

I once had a complicated relationship thing with a guy that went on for several years. I was very up front from the beginning that I wasn't comfortable with taking on a dominant role - even though it was only in the bedroom. It isn't me. I am submissive, because I am. And he used a lot of similar arguments - how did I know I wouldn't like it unless I tried it? It would give him pleasure - didn't I want to please him? I could look at it as an act of service if I wanted to! I could tell myself I was obeying his instructions to dominate him! and he'd always make sure I was sexually taken care of, which would reinforce the positive connection between being dominant, and my own pleasure! Win/Win!

Except it didn't work that way. If I didn't live up to his definition of dominance, it didn't count. If his fantasies weren't fulfilled, it didn't count. If I didn't react/respond sexually to the scenario like a Domme would, it didn't count. Even when he was telling me it was all about me, it was actually all about him. and I spent more time than necessary being "like an actor"... and miserable. It seriously fucked with my head (in the bad way), and some days I still struggle with my sexuality/identity as a submissive woman because of it.

So yeah - the "Oh it's simple, just push a bit, dangle a carrot every so often and it'll all work out! What's the harm?" isn't always the best advice.

OK, guys, this thread has gone pretty far when I was gone for UK in past few days...
I got my boyfriend to tie me up to a bed this time

Congratulations!

Anyways, the thing about my boyfriend is, he's never really tried being a Dom, so I suspect he's feeling insecure or something and is therefore scared to try out something in that range. What I believe is that some talking to him, if done properly, could at least make him give it a try, see if he can do it. The thing is he said 'he thinks he couldn't dominate a woman', without actually ever trying, so this is just a guess without actually trying.

So you suspect, or you know because you've had an honest and frank conversation about it? And again - I notice you're paying more attention to the "couldn't dominate a woman" part, and not the "maybe I could try being the sub" part.

Note he is not very well educated in this area, he has a brief idea of domination but I'm not sure how to really introduce it in a soft way to him. I don't really want to scare him off with proposing things like hot wax, etc. Neither do I want him to do anything he's not comfortable doing. I just want to upgrade our sexual relationship to another level, which I'd enjoy better and hopefully, he'd enjoy it too.

As it has been mentioned earlier in the thread, I don't want him to be 24/7 Dom. I want him to bring it up in our sex every now and then... Maybe once or twice a month, for a start. I just want him to be introduced to this as a kind of sex play, just like we already do roleplay and such. You know, something you do occasionally just to add a little more spice to your sex.

Honestly if you have this open, sexually adventurous lifestyle already (you already role play, you already have rough sex, you already have introduced dominance from the perspective of you as the dominant party) I'm struggling to understand why it's so difficult to sort out? He's experienced dominance in bed - explain that you derive similar pleasure when you're in the submissive/bottom position, as well. Talk about your fantasies. Say - "you know dear... it really gets me hot when... can we maybe do that more often?"

But the most important thing (IMO) is figuring out if you see dominance the same. Because like I said - not everyone equates dominance with role playing, or bondage, or costumes, or "scenes".

 

[FungiUg]

One thing going on in my head about this one is the difference between topping and dominating. For me the latter is more a mental state (see some of my earlier comments).

If all you need it to be tied up and some rough sex, then go to it. Anyone can do that. Just hand him the rope and ask nicely.

 

[Netzach]

OK, guys, this thread has gone pretty far when I was gone for UK in past few days...
I got my boyfriend to tie me up to a bed this time

Anyways, the thing about my boyfriend is, he's never really tried being a Dom, so I suspect he's feeling insecure or something and is therefore scared to try out something in that range. What I believe is that some talking to him, if done properly, could at least make him give it a try, see if he can do it. The thing is he said 'he thinks he couldn't dominate a woman', without actually ever trying, so this is just a guess without actually trying.

Note he is not very well educated in this area, he has a brief idea of domination but I'm not sure how to really introduce it in a soft way to him. I don't really want to scare him off with proposing things like hot wax, etc. Neither do I want him to do anything he's not comfortable doing. I just want to upgrade our sexual relationship to another level, which I'd enjoy better and hopefully, he'd enjoy it too.

As it has been mentioned earlier in the thread, I don't want him to be 24/7 Dom. I want him to bring it up in our sex every now and then... Maybe once or twice a month, for a start. I just want him to be introduced to this as a kind of sex play, just like we already do roleplay and such. You know, something you do occasionally just to add a little more spice to your sex.

Does he like being the submissive one? And you like being the Dominant one OK?

I'm going to give advice I would give in a context like this - you're not 24/7 D/s-ers, you are actually "trying to get your boyfriend to switch with you" rather than Dominate you, and you have an open admission that he likes you Dominating him.

Introduce good old vanilla sex etiquette. You do me, I do you.

Trade the experience for rough sex.

Teasingly and nicely. After you've had your way with him in the hottest way possible to you and he loves it.

"what do you desire Mistress?"

"You are going to get off this bed and fuck me like you know what you are doing, good and hard, is what you are going to do!"

It's a good bridge to him actually switching, he'll figure it out. That's my hunch anyway. And re-assure him that none of this is 24/7 for you. Often.

He's probably OK with doing it, just not all the time and his heart's probably more in submitting to you. So make him give it to you rough at least and see if imagination takes over.

Also something CM brings up, is giving up a little bit of control if you're going to do this. If you're just a demanding bottom who will never be satisfied because your partner doesn't want to use you like you want to be used, it's going to be a horror show for him. If you are trying to submit, submit. To that person and their likes, whatever those are. If you don't like that - um, you aren't submissive. Maybe he likes to tie you up so much he gets really into bondage and gentle Domination - you have no idea where he might go and you accept that you're going to live with it if you're going to make it fun for him and about him.

Make sure you tie him to the bed, and soon, in other words. Don't make this a chore for him, reciprocate - he says he likes the things you do. Don't be stingy with them in your interest to experience them from the other side.

 

[Netzach]

One thing going on in my head about this one is the difference between topping and dominating. For me the latter is more a mental state (see some of my earlier comments).

If all you need it to be tied up and some rough sex, then go to it. Anyone can do that. Just hand him the rope and ask nicely.

But not anyone can do it, and not everyone wants to do it and some people are freaked out by it. He seems to be game, but if he's constantly facing down "it's not REAL Domination" from his partner he's going to be a headcase in mere months.

 

[FungiUg]

He seems to be game, but if he's constantly facing down "it's not REAL Domination" from his partner he's going to be a headcase in mere months.

No argument from me there! I think your quid-pro-quo suggestion is probably the best idea.

I'm not so sure about "he seems to be game", but if there's something in it for him then that will change.

 

[BarefootDru]

I agree with Teknight

I think if you go slowly, you MIGHT be able to awaken/create new desires within him. Like maybe have an sexually charged day when you're out with him in which he sees you wearing a collar or nipple clamps under your shirt. Then when no one is looking you could put his hand there and have him stroke you there. For whatever positive response he gives you, you can give him a lot of kisses as reinforcement.

Good luck, YPD, you deserve the best!

 

[LunachickXXX]

I'm in a similar relationship...I love my partner and I knew I loved him deeply before we had sex. The sex was great, and we have dynamic chemistry, and he will try things, but for the most part he is vanilla. I introduced him to a few of my fetishes (dildos, spanking, bondage), and he has embraced them all, though sometimes I have to be more explicit about what I want. I also want to try things w/ him which I consider to be on a more intensive level, like fireplay & fisting. He knows I have an interest in the BDSM community, and after reading the Story of O I discussed it with him to hear his thoughts... basically, he finds the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship to be an extreme situation and definitely outside his comfort zone, but he's perfectly fine with keeping it in the bedroom. I think with a bit of understanding, most "vanilla but willing to try" people are okay with D/s play as long as they can be assured:

1. This isn't a 24/7 thing, your relationship would continue as normal, you'd just like to try things in bed that are new to him, but not new to you.

2. He doesn't have to be afraid of "hurting" you; If you like pain, that's sort of the point, but there are levels and simple words like "harder" or "softer" can help him gauge his strength against your wants.

3. You truly enjoy having sex the way he's used to having sex with you. The last thing you want him to feel is that you are dissatisfied currently. Do you have orgasms while having "regular" sex? Do you feel connected to him sexually without D/s? Explain that the "rougher" sex just gets you worked up more, and that it would be a special treat for you if once in a while (as stated, 1-2x a month is a good starter) if you could setup a scene that incorporated bondage, domination role play, etc...

A fun game that I like to play when I'm not sure what my partner is up for is that I will put about 5-7 toys out on the bed, and I will tell him to pick 3-4 to use on me. I make sure to put a good balance of rope, cuffs, dildos, vibrators or eggs, candles, paddles, whips etc...so they choose what they are comfortable with, but they are likely to choose different combinations each time you play the "game" so that it's interesting. OR I will keep all these things in a box and say "Why don't you take something out of the box for me?" and he will go and choose something and use it on me. It keeps you surprised, and the choice remains with him.