How to turn a shy guy into Master?

[Zoots_owner]

if (so-and-so)
{
say (such-and-such);
else
{

No. This will not work, because, again, it's not him. He needs to get over being rules-oriented in this context.

There is something in you that makes you a subbie. Not someone who is pretending to be a subbie, or following a rulebook on how subbie's are supposed to act. It's a genuine part of yourself, you just had to find it.

Likewise, with him, there is something between you that makes it possible for him to dominate you, and love doing so. He finds it sometimes when he's tipsy, or at random times in the middle of the night, so we know that it's there. Somehow, he needs to find it sober, and lock onto it. Until then, I think his attempts will serve mainly as a source of amusement, and I don't think that's what either of you are after.

 

[knk0013]

if (so-and-so)
{
say (such-and-such);
else
{

No. This will not work, because, again, it's not him. He needs to get over being rules-oriented in this context.

There is something in you that makes you a subbie. Not someone who is pretending to be a subbie, or following a rulebook on how subbie's are supposed to act. It's a genuine part of yourself, you just had to find it.

Likewise, with him, there is something between you that makes it possible for him to dominate you, and love doing so. He finds it sometimes when he's tipsy, or at random times in the middle of the night, so we know that it's there. Somehow, he needs to find it sober, and lock onto it. Until then, I think his attempts will serve mainly as a source of amusement, and I don't think that's what either of you are after.

Again, my fault for mis-communicating. He does not want a script; he needs to have the knowledge of what a dom is so he has something to pull inspiration from.

What great author has penned a book without reading one first?

How can a singer sing without hearing music?

How can a Master dominate if he looks at a slave and does not know what to do with it?

 

[knk0013]

Thanks for the book links! I IMed them along to my husband and he said, "Plus, it might teach me some assertiveness that I need outside of the bedroom, right? =)"

 

[Netzach]

Thanks for the book links! I IMed them along to my husband and he said, "Plus, it might teach me some assertiveness that I need outside of the bedroom, right? =)"

There's a lot to be said for the munches because it's very helpful to meet some other people who can say "hey, it's OK to like this really weird thing you can't believe it's OK to like."

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks for the book links! I IMed them along to my husband and he said, "Plus, it might teach me some assertiveness that I need outside of the bedroom, right? =)"

Click the blog link at the bottom of my posts [ignore the current angsty-ness - long story], and there's an entire list of BDSM books with links - primarily to Greenery Press' main site, but you can just as easily look them up at Amazon.

 

[twysted73]

*looks up at the header*


Woah..wrong thread. Thought I was in "Teacup Poodle to Pit in 30 Days"

But the message remains, no? Take it for what it's worth and be glad I spared everyone a boring, wordy, painfully lengthy post.

 

[Zoots_owner]

How can a Master dominate if he looks at a slave and does not know what to do with it?

A Master doesn't have that problem. There's no formula, you just take charge of the person, it's as simple as that. How you do it depends on who you are, and who your submissive is. What you do with that control is also completely dependent on the individuals concerned. While there may be something to be learned from observing others, if you grab a poetry novice, have them read Shakespeare, then tell them to write some poetry, the result will be laughably bad sonnets, which should never be seen by another living soul. I think that trying to emulate someone else's D/s style poses exactly the same dilemma. You're learning how someone else has done it, and done it beautifully, but in trying to follow that example, whatever is truly coming from inside you will be forced through some alien artifice along the way. You're not freakin' Shakespeare, and you're not some arrogant leather stereotype. You're you, and your style of domination will not be like anyone before, or anyone after.

This is why a lot of people in BDSM say that dominance cannot be taught.

If you really want to put him up the learning curve fast, my suggestion would be to learn the very basics. All D/s relationships are based on agreements, and often those are fairly comprehensive written agreements... contracts delimiting the rules and boundaries of the relationship. You should consider working those things out. Are your hours as a sub limited to the bedroom? Are there things you're unwilling to do? What is your safe word? These things need to be in place so that you can both feel safe about what you're doing, and that there will be no misunderstandings or hurtful situations.

Once that's all agreed upon, become completely submissive. What happens after that is up to him, but if there's any trace of hope in this idea, he will take change and run with it. All he has to do is to be in control, and he can and should do it exactly as is most natural for him. Maybe he'll be not so sure of himself at first, but he'll get better.

I don't think it's anything you can study, really, it's something you just do, and learn as you go.

 

[knk0013]

Zoot. I understand, and agree, with what you have said, but I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

My husband needs Dom 101; the basics; he needs to learn what a Dom is and then he needs the confidence to achieve that.

I was using the writing reference to prove that point. If an alien came to our planted and you asked s/he/it to write something they would look at you like you were crazy. You let them read Shakespeare -as per your example- and they then can say, "ah, this is writing" and then they can take their own experience and make it into their own work.

It is like a foreign language to most people; they may understand a word here or a word there but have no sense of the essence of it.

My husband knows that BDSM stands for but does not know what it is and how to achieve Dom status. He really wants to get there, but cannot quite figure out how to take off the "husband" hat and put on the "Dom" leather mask.

I think that last sentence is the most elegant and simplistic way of conveying what help we are looking for here. I wish I had put it in my original post, wait I can =)

I have seen that some have understood what I was asking from the beginning because they have similar situations to my own, and now I hope that the others can see what I am after as well.

*hopes that there is no more confusion*

 

[rosco rathbone]

If you figure out how to turn a shy guy into a master, the world will beat a path to your door.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Zoot. I understand, and agree, with what you have said, but I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

My husband needs Dom 101; the basics; he needs to learn what a Dom is and then he needs the confidence to achieve that.

To me, you either have Dominance or you don't. If by basics you mean how to flog, whip, or tie you up safely then yes, that can be learned.

But why does he need to learn how to tell you what to do? You just do it.

In my vanilla life I am the most shy and quiet person you will ever meet but I am completely Dominant, assertive, and confident when it comes to being a Master to my slave. It's been that way my whole life.

I never learned how to be a Dom. It was just something I was born with.

 

[Netzach]

To me, you either have Dominance or you don't. If by basics you mean how to flog, whip, or tie you up safely then yes, that can be learned.

But why does he need to learn how to tell you what to do? You just do it.

In my vanilla life I am the most shy and quiet person you will ever meet but I am completely Dominant, assertive, and confident when it comes to being a Master to my slave. It's been that way my whole life.

I never learned how to be a Dom. It was just something I was born with.

I have to agree. Either you grow up masturbating to fantasies of straddling a naked Clint Eastwood with a horse bit gag and reins in his mouth yelling "MOVE 'EM OUT!" or you just don't.

If I could get fired up about less stupid things I really would.

I honestly have made that my main test lately. Do you masturbate to it? I can't relate to other Dommes who suddenly got into it when the husband showed them how fun it could be, because to me, being in charge like that is and was and has been erotic since day 1.

 

[midwestyankee]

I have to agree. Either you grow up masturbating to fantasies of straddling a naked Clint Eastwood with a horse bit gag and reins in his mouth yelling "MOVE 'EM OUT!" or you just don't.

If I could get fired up about less stupid things I really would.

I honestly have made that my main test lately. Do you masturbate to it? I can't relate to other Dommes who suddenly got into it when the husband showed them how fun it could be, because to me, being in charge like that is and was and has been erotic since day 1.

Makes sense to me. The need to be in charge, even if you don't have a clue what people in the bdsm community call it, has to be a born-in thing for it to be persistent and satisfying in the very long run.

Anyone can fall in love with bass fishing one year and golf the next.

 

[Zoots_owner]

But why does he need to learn how to tell you what to do? You just do it.

That's my thought, right there.

If I'm spending too much time being a lazy bastard, or distracted by things which waste my time, I will soon find my girl dressed in little more than her collar, in her approved posture ("English Classic Display," for you details-oriented people), waiting in patient silence.

Any guy (or girl with a bit of a queer streak) who can't think of anything to say or do under those circumstances, well... I just don't know of any advice I can give them.

But maybe the proper level of submission isn't quite in place yet?

 

[DVS]

If he's got it in him, you can get it out. The problem is, he must have some kind of wall that is in front of his desire to be the Dom for you. You should find out what that is. If wine helps, use it as a crutch for a while. Eventually, he might be able to bring out his more Domly side, without the wine, after he gets a taste of it.

Some suggestions to try. But, first, don't laugh at him. That's a big no-no. The male ego is fragile, and in the performance mode, it's VERY fragile. Laughing in any sort of context will shove his confidence back into the dark recesses of his mind.

Talk over what excites the two of you. You should tell him what excites you about his taking control and he should tell you what excites him about dominating you. Get it clear between the two of you what you both enjoy. If necessary, set up a script of sorts that he can follow. No, not for ever, but just to get into the mindset. Once he has an idea of how you want him to act, he might be able to express what he wants, too.

He needs to open up and if following a script will help, then set one up. Make sure he understands it's just a template to follow, and as time goes along, he should add anything he thinks he would enjoy. With some luck, as the time goes, he will have inserted his own desires in place of the script.

Have you tried a little bondage, and maybe some spanking scenes? Bondage is a good way for him to feel the control. If you can't stop him, he might enjoy that feeling.

Read stories that interest you and then have him read them, too. Maybe read them together, so he can see how you get excited. What self respecting man wouldn't like to see his woman excited about something? If it were me, I'd want to join in, for sure.

What this boils down to is he needs to relax and let his sexual self take over. Until he feels secure in his Domly self, he's not going to be able to do this. Finding a way for him to get the confidence he needs is your job. Be that by going to munches, by reading "how to" books, by reading erotica, by using a script, or any other of the suggestions given in this thread...try anything you want...just don't laugh when he goofs up.

All of these suggestions are only going to work if he's got the Domly attitude in him. He's got to have the desire to beat you...control you...use you and turn you into his play toy. He's got to desire to see you whimper when he touches your pussy, and whimper when he tells you to get on your knees in front of him.

He's got to have that commanding confidence within. If it's there, it will come out. There's some kind of mental wall keeping him from it. Find out what that wall is and tear it down, then he'll be able to take charge.

 

[knk0013]

I thank everyone for their advise and it was all very helpful!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I think I understand what she was really getting at. It was the same way when Daddy and I first started our D/s relationship. His first reaction was "I don't think I could ever hurt you." Yet here we are 6 years later and He's tying me up, flogging me, using clothes pins all over me, knives, you name it we've probably tried it by now within my limits.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is hope for that "shy guy" to turn into a Dom... mine did.

 

[LFO]

Well, speaking from a standpoint of a fairly quiet and shy person that sort of evolved into a more assertive person. It's really a matter of self confidence. I'd never really contemplated being in a "dominate" role before - sure I'd kinda played around a little in the past (pinning a girl's arms behind her head and going at it) but recently my girl submitted herself to me and nothing gets me going faster than when she calls me her "master" and I call her my "kitten"

Your boy need to beef up his ego a bit and self confidence. He needs to feel like a man before he can make you submit naturally. After time, he'll figure it all out.
My girl just happened to catch me at the right time in my life.

 

[DreamSensualist]

......

 

[ovrec]

Watch out for being a day dom and signals

It seems like being a daytime dom could be a challenge too. I am a computer programmer type as well who is very turned on by the prospect of dominating someone. But unfortunately I am with a daytime dom too (the other problems being she isn't turned on by bdsm and isn't into pain at all....but that doesn't eliminate everything).

Ultimately it is hard to go into the bedroom suddenly switch roles if your partner dominates you all day. Also according to our marriage counselor men are big babies. And she is right. We notice tone, body language, etc... If you have a dynamic of being in charge all day and show signs of being annoyed/impatient/dominant while playing that may send your guy the wrong signals. For me, we try to do very light domination but when I get the daytime signals it completely shuts me down.

You sound like you really want to play. My partner was just trying to do it to please me, she isn't turned on by any of the stuff and is not into pain at all. But if you are into pain a bit and do want to play it may go better for you. The people I know who do play do not force their partner who doesn't want to play into playing. Their partner has to agree to it. So if you are topping from the bottom in bed then you are not agreeing to play. You could integrate it into play somehow that if he catches you topping from the bottom he gets to punish you. But at the beginning he probably needs a lot of emotional support. He probably needs you to be extra submissive. Especially at first while he gets used to his new role.

Like you said making coffee helps. That may be seen as a bit of submission by your partner and help him to feel more dominant.

 

[DystopiaNoir]

I was having a similar problem in my relationship with my current BF. However, my BF is an extremely dominant person outside of the bedroom, but vanilla to the core in the bedroom. It's such a terrible tease.

 

[ntp]

.....

 

[Harmony_1985]

I'm getting that his desire to "be dominant" is just that he desires to please you, and you've expressed that his being dominant is what you want. Which isn't really starting off in the right direction. "Dominate me!" "ok, dear, if that's what you want."

If that's how its going then it sounds more like he's a submissive to me.

But then that's just me lol.

 

[RJMasters]

Shyness verses learnt behavior. My experience when growing and learning things about myself was very awkward at times and downright depressing at others. Still there were moments of clarity and self awareness which allowed me to find myself amidst a lot of confusion.

I have on numerous occasions spoken with regard to society and how for the last 30 years or so, men's role and the definition masculinity has been obscured. It is considered to be a negative in many ways for a man to express his masculinity in this day and age.

I say this not to claim any victimhood on behalf of men, nor to incite a debate on the right or wrongness of feminism. To be sure much good has come from women finding equality, independence, and empowerment within themselves and there is still more that can be done and achieved along these lines, but it should be noted that it has had a major and defining impact on men and the “ideal” of what it means to be masculine.

One of the key factors of masculinity as it pertains to dominance, rests squarely upon the shoulders of self-awareness, self-confidence, and desire. Yet the mainstream negative view of masculinity has basically taught men to hide or subdue such displays of masculine dominance because they are “perceived” as unwelcome.

This can and often does cause inner confusion in dominant men today. On one hand they know deep down they are dominant to varying degrees yet expressing this publically will likely end up in them being shunned or ostracized from society. So they learn to repress these feelings and drives. Big shock I know…men repressing their feelings (lol).

Now take a man who has learned this type of behaviorisms for years, then put him into the equation of him wanting to break out of this and be able to express his dominance side. Not a very easy thing for him to do since he doesn’t have very many role-models close enough to him that he can respect or relate to. Also, it is very likely that he will over-react or seem very over the top when he does try to let it out. This can appear awkward, clumsy, and even comical. After-all he doesn’t really have any practice in expressing this side of himself, which often means he lacks experience in which to have any self-confidence. Often is the case, when men are trying to awake and express these deep feelings and needs of dominance within themselves will tend to over compensate or worse adopt “macho-ism” as romantic notion of what it means to express masculine dominance. When this happens, it is perceived, rightly so, as being not authentic.

As I said before, it is my opinion that authentic expression of masculine dominance comes from self-awareness, self-confidence, and desire. You knowing your husband have sated that you both genuinely believe that he has dominant traits and qualities and has a desire to express them. I will not second guess your assessment of that or his, but I will echo what others have said in that you cannot bequeath to him the desire nor traits of masculine dominance. Since you have stated that you both believe that he has the desire and the traits, then what is left over is self-confidence and the expression thereof.

Here then, we are left to focus on some things you both can do in which to boost his self confidence which will lead to a more genuine expression of his own masculine dominance.

1. He might find another dominant whom he can respect and look to as a role-model and/or mentor him.
2. Understanding why he has trouble expressing his dominant side naturally can go a long way in him unlearning many repressive type behaviors of it. This comes over time as he learns to recognize when he is repressing and learning that’s its not only ok to express his masculine dominance with you, but that its desired.
3. You can help him to relearn expressive type behaviors by surrendering to him on a more natural level in your day to day lives. In my opinion, allowing only for dominant expression in the bedroom can (not always, because every relationship is different), but can lead to this explosive expression and then he has to repress it all back again when you walk out of the bedroom.
4. Educating oneself is always good. Nothing beats good old fashion experience, however reading and learning from others whom you hold in respect is also good.

There was a lot of anger in my life inside until I came to be at peace with some of the forces that raged inside me as a dominant/sadist man. There was times when I exploded, times I tried to be what I thought was dominant, and many many awkward moments. Lit in its own way helped me to become comfortable in my own skin because it was a sounding board, and a well of experience that I could draw on from people whom I came to know and respect over the years and it helped me to open up my mind and rethink things through and come to conclusions about myself. In a word it helped me to grow and mature as I better understood things about my sexuality and my dominant/sadist needs and wants. However, it was only when I stopped trying to fit a mold that others seem to put forth and began to realize that the only goal was my own happiness and the happiness those in my life, that I began to believe more in myself and began to trust in myself. When that happened, my self-confidence began to grow and I felt comfortable in expressing my own masculine dominance.

Self-confidence will come over time as his knowledge increases and he has experience with which to be able to build that confidence within himself. The single greatest thing you can do to help this to happen is to respect him for the man he “is” not for what you hope he will become. The more you do this in an authentic way, the more he will become comfortable with these feelings and will learn how to express his own masculine dominance.

Good luck to you both.

RJ

 

[Netzach]

Making coffee is nice. We relied on that for a whole year while I was ill. Watch it, though, we had to do a lot of re-working as my husband began to feel more like a coffeemaker than a submissive.

It's not a joke. You gotta watch your resentments if and when they happen. Some people *are* sexual submissives emphasis sexual, and no amount of taking it out of the bedroom is compatible for them.

 

[rosco rathbone]

There's another thread here where the OP was talking about being a shy wannabe dom.

There are doms in sheeps clothing out there.