HT tell if a person wants sex

[Jada59]

From a guy's standpoint, there have been times when after a couple of dates, I would feel ok to say, "I have some very strong sexual feelings about you and want to take this to the next level but want to know how you feel and what sorts of things you like before wandering into a mine field."

So, I think you could do the same. I've had women on occasion make a first move even as far as when making out had one say, "I want to do you with my mouth." OK... great as far as I'm concerned but I suppose there are guys who might freak out at something blatant. On the other hand having a woman say the same sorts of things as I mentioned above, shouldn't scare a guy off. "You know George, I really think you're great and have some strong physical attraction to you. I'm hoping you feel the same way because taking our relationship to a more erotic level is something I'd like. How do you feel about that?" It's not TOO forward. You aren't reaching into his pants, but it tells him that you see him as more than just a "date". If he doesn't get the message, then find someone else.

In addition, I always preferred getting things like attitudes toward things like oral and anal and light kink out in the open before hand because making a move that the other dislikes can be a real buzz kill. One time I put my finger in a woman's ass while fucking and she freaked out and nearly kicked me out. Best not to have surprises.

Based on what I know about this guy, anal would be out lf the question. Thanks for your input!

 

[JenniferSimms]

My advice, for what it's worth, is to make sure that, before any physical contact is made, permission is asked and given first.

"I'd like to kiss you. May I do that?"

"If you want to kiss me, I'm OK with that."

And I'd refrain from serious groping until you're sure the partner would be comfortable with that. Otherwise, there's a risk of scaring him/her away too soon. Easy does it. And remember that that partner may have a personal history about groping or being groped, and you need to respect that.

But there's really no harm in asking, and much good can come of it.

It may be the "ask first" age, but I can't imagine having that conversation, at least not one I would initiate with a guy. I'm kind of a touchy feely person anyway, but nothing inappropriate until I'm sure that's what he wants. I have had men ask me if they could kiss me, but usually we both know before it gets to that stage (and then I've had them ask for a lot more than just a kiss, lol). Of course, I can be a big flirt when I'm with a guy I like, so I don't think there is any doubt he knows what I want when we get to the stage of becoming more intimate. I think that asking for permission each step of the way takes all the excitement out of sex.

 

[naughtymind]

I don’t think that the blunt verbal questionnaire approach would work well for me either. Totally agree about not crossing anyone’s boundaries physically, but I think there are more appropriate form of communication for intimacy. Perhaps a tad more subtle verbal communication, such as open compliments that aren’t exclusively sexual in nature, could be a good start. My personal preference has usually been to focus more on body language, both in how I advance things and in terms of reading her reactions. I like to make sure to clearly telegraph any physical contact first, even just moving closer into her space to see if she is receptive to that or if it makes her nervous or uncomfortable. If she deliberately moves back away, that is a pretty clear way of saying “not yet” or “not now”. I just like to always be sure to leave her plenty of space and opportunity to respond one way or another. If I’m not sure about how she feels, or I’m not sure if she’s understanding my interests and intentions, I will usually up the level of flirty comments and see how she responds. Basically, my point is that I think that it is possible to seek and obtain consent (or denial) without getting overly clinical and verbal.

Your specific situation sounds very different, in my opinion. From the sounds of things, his response was pretty out of line with the context of your minor physical touch, and is very suggestive of deeper issues. If the relationship is going as well as you suggest, it sounds like those issues need to be talked through before moving any further. Hopefully he’s ready for that sooner than later, but it’s going to have to be on his time line. If you have not already, I think you could just tell him you really like a lot about him and would be interested in getting a bit more serious, but you feel some hesitation on his part and would like to hear his feelings about things. If he opens a little you can be encouraging for him to open up more, but if he is vague or emotional closed to such conversations, you know he’s not really ready.

 

[Jada59]

I don’t think that the blunt verbal questionnaire approach would work well for me either. Totally agree about not crossing anyone’s boundaries physically, but I think there are more appropriate form of communication for intimacy. Perhaps a tad more subtle verbal communication, such as open compliments that aren’t exclusively sexual in nature, could be a good start. My personal preference has usually been to focus more on body language, both in how I advance things and in terms of reading her reactions. I like to make sure to clearly telegraph any physical contact first, even just moving closer into her space to see if she is receptive to that or if it makes her nervous or uncomfortable. If she deliberately moves back away, that is a pretty clear way of saying “not yet” or “not now”. I just like to always be sure to leave her plenty of space and opportunity to respond one way or another. If I’m not sure about how she feels, or I’m not sure if she’s understanding my interests and intentions, I will usually up the level of flirty comments and see how she responds. Basically, my point is that I think that it is possible to seek and obtain consent (or denial) without getting overly clinical and verbal.

Your specific situation sounds very different, in my opinion. From the sounds of things, his response was pretty out of line with the context of your minor physical touch, and is very suggestive of deeper issues. If the relationship is going as well as you suggest, it sounds like those issues need to be talked through before moving any further. Hopefully he’s ready for that sooner than later, but it’s going to have to be on his time line. If you have not already, I think you could just tell him you really like a lot about him and would be interested in getting a bit more serious, but you feel some hesitation on his part and would like to hear his feelings about things. If he opens a little you can be encouraging for him to open up more, but if he is vague or emotional closed to such conversations, you know he’s not really ready.

Thank you! He's not a BF or anything like that but he does live here and continually keeps me baffled. He has been talking of sex more and more to me. not specifically sex with me but just about sex in general and things like how he thinks it makes him feel better and more relaxed. He is single now though. No longer with his GF.

So it's like... Some of the things he's doing and saying are massively turning me on and yet I have no outlet. He comes freely in and out of my bedroom and when I am in there, he is often sitting just outside the door. I am not very quiet even when left to my own devices so this is driving me mad!

I did have a talk about privacy with him and said that there things I would like to do but wasn't able to because I didn't think he'd be comfortable with it. I didn't spell out what those things were. He just grinned.

 

[naughtymind]

Wow, this sounds way too complicated! Lol. I think you must be far more patient than I am; I’m not sure I could put up with all that. I hope you are right that he is worth it, but I gotta say I’d be seriously asking myself just how much headache/heartache I was willing to deal with. Best of luck to you!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Jada, your patience is incredible. I by now would have have shifted into the Hereafter Concept: “Boy, you’re nice, but if you aren’t here for what I’m here for, you’re going to be here after I’m gone.”

Personally, just following your description of events, it’s starting to seem like you’re getting jerked around.

 

[Jada59]

Wow, this sounds way too complicated! Lol. I think you must be far more patient than I am; I’m not sure I could put up with all that. I hope you are right that he is worth it, but I gotta say I’d be seriously asking myself just how much headache/heartache I was willing to deal with. Best of luck to you!

I'm not really a patient person at all. I just really like him. He did ask me to take him to the hospital earlier. But first we stopped at his cell phone store. His phone has been broken and we have been sharing mine. The cell phone store refused to help him so he asked to come home. After about two hours talking to his insurance company, they agreed to send him a new phone. He cooked himself some dinner then fell asleep after. Poor guy has stress coming at him in every direction so I'm trying not to add to it. He said he would make a Dr. appointment. I hope he follows through. He needs more help than I can give him.

 

[Jada59]

Jada, your patience is incredible. I by now would have have shifted into the Hereafter Concept: “Boy, you’re nice, but if you aren’t here for what I’m here for, you’re going to be here after I’m gone.”

Personally, just following your description of events, it’s starting to seem like you’re getting jerked around.

Yeah, that's what everyone in my life says. I don't want to put all of his business online though. So there is much more to this story. He has been talking to his mom daily. I talked to his mom. So things are looking better. He just needs time to heal, mentally, emotionally and physically. And get a grip on his finances. He hasn't been able to work, except for in my yard!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Jada, one of the most persistent female delusions is that a good woman can change a man if she but tries hard enough. This one, according to you, is unemployed, broken and doesn’t give you what you say you’re wanting.

I’m on your side, honestly, but I have to ask the obvious question - this desert island you’re marooned on, is he the only man on it?

 

[naughtymind]

Jada, one of the most persistent female delusions is that a good woman can change a man if she but tries hard enough. This one, according to you, is unemployed, broken and doesn’t give you what you say you’re wanting.

I’m on your side, honestly, but I have to ask the obvious question - this desert island you’re marooned on, is he the only man on it?

I have to say, you are spot on about the desire to help fix or heal other people. It’s not only a female delusion, btw; speaking from first hand experience, plenty of men fall into that trap too. It’s a tricky one, as it often does take considerable effort and support from loved ones for people to move forward in times of struggle. Still, it’s way to easy to end up in trouble from trying to save a drowning man, or a drowning woman.

Jada, I don’t know your situation at all really, so I’m just reading a bit between the lines. I hope my thoughts and opinions will be taken as they are intended: out of concern for your own health and safety. I don’t mean to sound patronizing in any way, and I don’t consider myself any wiser or informed of your situation, or relationships in general... but... I do see several things you’ve mentioned that would be enormous red flag warnings if you were, say, a sister or close personal friend. I admire the tenacious heart with which you are dealing with this, but I do hope you will always be sure to consider your own health and well being first and foremost. Always!
Best of luck

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I have to say, you are spot on about the desire to help fix or heal other people. It’s not only a female delusion, btw; speaking from first hand experience, plenty of men fall into that trap too. It’s a tricky one, as it often does take considerable effort and support from loved ones for people to move forward in times of struggle. Still, it’s way to easy to end up in trouble from trying to save a drowning man, or a drowning woman.

Jada, I don’t know your situation at all really, so I’m just reading a bit between the lines. I hope my thoughts and opinions will be taken as they are intended: out of concern for your own health and safety. I don’t mean to sound patronizing in any way, and I don’t consider myself any wiser or informed of your situation, or relationships in general... but... I do see several things you’ve mentioned that would be enormous red flag warnings if you were, say, a sister or close personal friend. I admire the tenacious heart with which you are dealing with this, but I do hope you will always be sure to consider your own health and well being first and foremost. Always!
Best of luck

Well phrased.

 

[Jada59]

I have to say, you are spot on about the desire to help fix or heal other people. It’s not only a female delusion, btw; speaking from first hand experience, plenty of men fall into that trap too. It’s a tricky one, as it often does take considerable effort and support from loved ones for people to move forward in times of struggle. Still, it’s way to easy to end up in trouble from trying to save a drowning man, or a drowning woman.

Jada, I don’t know your situation at all really, so I’m just reading a bit between the lines. I hope my thoughts and opinions will be taken as they are intended: out of concern for your own health and safety. I don’t mean to sound patronizing in any way, and I don’t consider myself any wiser or informed of your situation, or relationships in general... but... I do see several things you’ve mentioned that would be enormous red flag warnings if you were, say, a sister or close personal friend. I admire the tenacious heart with which you are dealing with this, but I do hope you will always be sure to consider your own health and well being first and foremost. Always!
Best of luck

Thanks! I am being very careful. He has made good progress in the last two days so that's good.

 

[jehoram]

Jada, one of the most persistent female delusions is that a good woman can change a man if she but tries hard enough.

I remember a quote that goes: "A woman marries a man thinking that she can change him, but she never can. A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change, but she always does."

I don't know who wrote that. It sounds sort of like Oscar Wilde.

 

[naughtymind]

I remember a quote that goes: "A woman marries a man thinking that she can change him, but she never can. A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change, but she always does."

I don't know who wrote that. It sounds sort of like Oscar Wilde.

Yeah, I’ve always thought that was a funny quote. I heard a slightly different version of it: “A man falls in love and marries a woman hoping she will never, ever change; the woman marries him, hoping that he will...”

No idea what the original quote may have been, or who said it?

 

[greengamegirl]

I used to think there was some secret, but now I’ve changed my mind. There’s a big difference between someone who would have sex with you if they got the chance and someone who wants to have sex by any means necessary.

I'm a pretty forward person and I usually get what I want. In the past, if I wanted sex, I just went for it. Only person who ever turned me down was my ex who hated sex.

But these days, it seems the rules have changed! I recently touched a guy's thigh. Not in my mind in a sexual way. We were just sort of horsing around and I accidentally put my hand there. He freaked! Voice went all squeaky as he told me not to touch him there. I apologized.

So now that I'm back to dating, I guess this is something I need to know. If I'm in an established relationship, or we'd had sex at least once prior, I would just tell him something like... I want to fuck you. Or suck you or...whatever.

But if if we've never had sex before and he isn't obviously making the first move, then how will I know! I am thinking I might say something like... Can I move my hand further up? Down? Or maybe even more obvious like... Can I touch your cock? But that seems a bit clumsy. Maybe I should just tell him that he's really turning me on.

Help! Anyone? Thanks.