I am not sure what to title this thread.

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

SkyBluAngelEyes Nice name.

you have control over who you submit to. From your post, I got the feeling that you are a quality person and a quality sub. If some guy PMs you wanting immediate submission, he is basicly telling you that you are nothing more than a life support system for a pussy. you must learn to filter through the undesirables. Either that, or just give up.

you might try joining a group in your area. At least there you know who you are talking to.

Ads can be effective.

Thank you. Yes, I do have that control. I agree with your post exactly.

I laughed a bit at the last paragraph of your sentence. My 'area' is so small, and sooooooooo religiously based that if there were a hint of BDSM group, they would burn the building to the ground along with whoever was in the building. I am definitely a minority here. Plus, I enjoy some aspects of BDSM. People here are not open minded and if you aren't doing missionary straight up, you are evil.

I could never place an ad. Not here. It's time to move, me thinks.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Dear Sky,

Finding a emotionally good relationship is hard, finding an emotionally healthy and sexually expressive relationship is harder, and finding a relationship that is emotionally healthy and sexually expressive and includes the D/s that fits both people is for me, the hardest thing to find.

Some Dom/Dommes do not know themselves well enough to be secure in focussing on the sub's needs and development. Sometimes I think there should be a school that Dom/Dommes could go to to study human emotions and personalities.

Some Dom/Dommes confuse telling someone what to do with being a Dominant. Being Dominant is so much more then that.

Like you, I seek, ... and it is hard.

I too wish you luck, shy

Shy, my friend, this is why I lurve you. You are always a voice of reason and friendly words.

I still believe that Dom/mes are born, not made. It is something in maybe their genetic building codes that map themselves into being what they are. I think these true Dom/mes would not have to go to a school to learn this. They would naturally want to learn about this. Seek the answers that haunt them and then put that education to work.

Shy, it is hard, but in the end, it will all be so worthwhile that you'll soon forget just how hard it really was.

 

[Betticus]

Thank you. Yes, I do have that control. I agree with your post exactly.

I laughed a bit at the last paragraph of your sentence. My 'area' is so small, and sooooooooo religiously based that if there were a hint of BDSM group, they would burn the building to the ground along with whoever was in the building. I am definitely a minority here. Plus, I enjoy some aspects of BDSM. People here are not open minded and if you aren't doing missionary straight up, you are evil.

I could never place an ad. Not here. It's time to move, me thinks.

It sounds like you live about a block away from me. This hole I'm in right now doesn't even have a strip club. And it is the second largest city in the state, with a university and two community colleges.

Bible thumpers everywhere. It's pure hell for me. Everyone is hiding who they really are to avoid judgement by the masses.

This means they are trying to hide from me too. Of course I'm pretty openly a kinky bitch. It isn't like they are going to get me to feel bad for being who I am. It just means that who I'm looking for is hiding.

It sucks.

 

[fallon2]

sky,

I hope you realize by now that you have MANY friends at lit.

What you need though is lots of sleep and many pleasant dreams!

Hang in there, sky, hang in an hang on to those interests that you still have.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Ooooh yes, the Fluffies-- I like that term.

I hope my "joyous surrender" term didn't make you think of them though. It's not surrender if she's not corrected when she doesn't achieve the goals I set for her; and correction's not something she's going to want to look forward to. Though anticipatory fear definitely has its place.

I used to be really judgemental about this scene, but I've really come to a point where I admire the technique of other people's scenes and stopped guessing at what's actually going on under the surface. If you're not in it, you don't know, and as long as no one's getting maimed or killed on my DM shift, it's not my business.

What changed my mind was meeting and talking to enough couples where the bottom had a serious history of abuse and trauma, where trusting someone to make them feel good *was* an edge in itself.

Rugor- no. I try to never jump to conclusions about the people I meet, especially not those I "meet" online, since, as Netzak said, "If you're not in it, you don't know..." and that goes equally for 'If you're not there, you don't know." I also very much didn't mean to suggest that anyone who's nice or kind is what I'd call a "Fluffy"- I just mean to say that whether you're into pain or not, whether you're in a 24/7 or not, whether you call yourself a sub or a bottom or a Top or a Dom/me, or a Master, or whatever, the single thing that unites us all under the vast category of "BDsM" is power exchange. Control. Who's got it, who gives it, who fights to keep it, and how.

The Fluffies have their hearts in the right place, but I think that there is a large difference between teaching and guiding someone to be able to trust, and just clothing something in leather (or PVC, or pyf- pick your fetish... ) and thus setting up a novice for a rude awakening when and if they actually set foot in the reality of D/s. Someone who was introduced to what they believe is What We Do by one of the people I call Fluffies is fairly likely to percieve any expectation of them on the part of a Top as abuse. "He's abusive- he makes me polish his boots! He makes me kneel, and won't sit still and let me sit in his lap for hours!"

You see what I'm saying? I've known plenty of Tops who were gentle, and never engaged in pain-play of any kind, and that doesn't make them fluffy... ~looks frustrated~ I hope I'm coming off coherantly here... I haven't seen/met any "Fluffies" (yet) on the Lit, and if I weren't paying attention, you Netzak, might have seemed that way. LW is likewise extremely cuddlesome. But you're both very cognizant of power-exchange and dynamic. That is as far from Fluffy as one can be.

Sorry for the hijack & long ramble...

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

It sounds like you live about a block away from me. This hole I'm in right now doesn't even have a strip club. And it is the second largest city in the state, with a university and two community colleges.

Bible thumpers everywhere. It's pure hell for me. Everyone is hiding who they really are to avoid judgement by the masses.

This means they are trying to hide from me too. Of course I'm pretty openly a kinky bitch. It isn't like they are going to get me to feel bad for being who I am. It just means that who I'm looking for is hiding.

It sucks.

Good Lawd, you don't live in Idaho, do you? Isn't sad that people are so closed minded that they don't -- or rather won't -- open their minds to what others may see and feel? BDSM, has always been safe, sane, consensual. We're not freaks. We're not weird. I've always thought that my hardwiring was just a little different.

I do believe that some people have the same thoughts that I do. Interesting how people who are so "religious" are so non-tolerant. Or don't like anyone else who are not like them.

You should see the rape statistics in this area.

 

[ZenDragoness]

1

What changed my mind was meeting and talking to enough couples where the bottom had a serious history of abuse and trauma, where trusting someone to make them feel good *was* an edge in itself.

Netzach,

i am with you on this. Judging other peoples decisions, concerning
the way they live Their BDSM and calling it then to soft or not truly bdsm or what the heck, is in my absolutely not humble opinion and far more then my 0,2456 cents intolerant und downright stupid. Nobody can judge from the outside, the inner dynamics of every relationship.


ZenDragoness

*who really wonders why my rarely posts, normally are triggered by netzach or dvs texts

PS as always please excuse my mistakes, i am not a native writer// thinking about making this my sig~~

 

[Betticus]

Good Lawd, you don't live in Idaho, do you? Isn't sad that people are so closed minded that they don't -- or rather won't -- open their minds to what others may see and feel? BDSM, has always been safe, sane, consensual. We're not freaks. We're not weird. I've always thought that my hardwiring was just a little different.

I do believe that some people have the same thoughts that I do. Interesting how people who are so "religious" are so non-tolerant. Or don't like anyone else who are not like them.

You should see the rape statistics in this area.

Las Cruces, New Mexico.

It is definately not the place I would have chosen to be but I now have choices that I didn't have before. I work in an expanding control center that has a very long projected growth cycle. Job security here is the highest I've seen in my career and compared to the locals I'm pulling in a paycheck that would stun them.

The only thing right now is that it's just money and security. Not happiness. I am not happy unless I have someone in my life to share everything with. Even pure vanilla would be better than this.

And as for the rant on the fluffies on the other thread. I wasn't sure if that was aimed at me since I'm not really into dishing out the physical pain/control unless it is what she wants. I'm not against it, I just don't have any real experience with it.

I tend to get involved with women who come from abusive pasts and end up breaking through their barriers and rebuilding their self esteem. It is just that when I'm done they tend to leave me. I think I'm wasting my time on the wrong type of person. They aren't submissive, just broken.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Las Cruces, New Mexico.

It is definately not the place I would have chosen to be but I now have choices that I didn't have before.

The only thing right now is that it's just money and security. Not happiness. I am not happy unless I have someone in my life to share everything with. Even pure vanilla would be better than this.

I tend to get involved with women who come from abusive pasts and end up breaking through their barriers and rebuilding their self esteem. It is just that when I'm done they tend to leave me. I think I'm wasting my time on the wrong type of person. They aren't submissive, just broken.

This isn't the place I would choose to live the rest of my life, either. I stay for my son and because I need to finish my studies. Betticus, I learned long ago that the only person that can really make you happy is you.

Be careful for what you wish for. Would pure vanilla really make you happy? Even for the interim? Remember, I have been there and done that. It does not make you happy.

As I told you before, this is not much of a win-win situation when you take broken women and make them complete again, if they leave you. You are correct there; you are wasting your time. I am not sure what kind of woman you are looking for. Maybe this is something that you need to do – sit down, write out, and decide for yourself what types of woman would compliment you. I remember being a little broken when my Master found me. Fortunately, for me, He was a bit broken as well, and we healed each other. We grew from when we started and moved on from there.

 

[shyly curious]

This isn't the place I would choose to live the rest of my life, either. I stay for my son and because I need to finish my studies. Betticus, I learned long ago that the only person that can really make you happy is you.

Be careful for what you wish for. Would pure vanilla really make you happy? Even for the interim? Remember, I have been there and done that. It does not make you happy.

As I told you before, this is not much of a win-win situation when you take broken women and make them complete again, if they leave you. You are correct there; you are wasting your time. I am not sure what kind of woman you are looking for. Maybe this is something that you need to do – sit down, write out, and decide for yourself what types of woman would compliment you. I remember being a little broken when my Master found me. Fortunately, for me, He was a bit broken as well, and we healed each other. We grew from when we started and moved on from there.

I found a nite school course at a local college, "Finding Your Ideal Partner Through Journal Keeping". What an awesome course. Well thought out series of writing exercises designed to get each person to discover in their own way what types of people are good for them and which types mislead their emotions.

I learned a lot of things that common sense says I should have seen before, connections in ways that my family and friends behave, and many connections in who the women I have dated have been. Once I had the questions to ask, finding the answers became easy.

We are all a bit broken, I think it's more a case of do we recognise this and do we admit it. The term "baggage" that gets bandied about on dating web sites is, I think, misused. Everyone has baggae, everyone has a past. The crucial point is, are we willing to grow and evolve, move beyond the pain and disappointment of past events.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip>We are all a bit broken, I think it's more a case of do we recognise this and do we admit it. The term "baggage" that gets bandied about on dating web sites is, I think, misused. Everyone has baggage, everyone has a past. The crucial point is, are we willing to grow and evolve, move beyond the pain and disappointment of past events.

Excellent point! It's not the baggage that counts; it's whether we can get it in the trunk and get to our destination.

 

[Betticus]

Be careful for what you wish for. Would pure vanilla really make you happy? Even for the interim? Remember, I have been there and done that. It does not make you happy.

No, I try to imagine it. Run through the whole scenario of being in a pure vanilla relationship. It wouldn't be good for anyone.

I do still have some stuff that I want to do before I get into another relationship. Just some selfish stuff for me but I'm sure that everything will work out.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

We are all a bit broken, I think it's more a case of do we recognise this and do we admit it. The term "baggage" that gets bandied about on dating web sites is, I think, misused. Everyone has baggae, everyone has a past. The crucial point is, are we willing to grow and evolve, move beyond the pain and disappointment of past events.

I admit that I was a bit broken. It took a lot of talking, trust and getting to know each others likes and dislikes. Just like any other relationship, except a D/s relationship is so different. It seems to be so much closer, and that may be due to the level of trust that they share. There is a love there that is almost unconditional. He let me go slow. He let me take my time and get comfortable with him. Trusting him. I helped him by trusting him, and not betraying that trust. That was very important to him, as it would be to all of us.

Some people have more baggage than a carousel at JFK airport. I promise I didn't have that much, but some do, and it 's hard to bring out of them the glorious potential that can be shared by two people.