I can't make it flow.

[gunhilltrain]

It's at 14,000 words now so I'm not sure how I could send it to anyone if they wanted to look it over.

That's pretty long for a stand-alone story, although some people write even more than that. There's no shame in breaking it into a two-part series is you have a point in the story for that to happen.

 

[gordo12]

Whenever I run into a problem, I park the story for a period. The last two I posted hail from 2020 & 2022.
Something bothered me about them, and I let them moulder till inspiration struck. Or at least what passes for inspiration
in my world. Go work on something else. Sometimes, getting some distance from a project makes it easier to see what's really wrong. If anything!

 

[burgwad]

If the scenes are only ever interlinked by an implied “and then,” your story is lacking complications. Here I’m paraphrasing - of all people - Trey Parker. A good episode of South Park threads its scenes together in a kind of “but then” (or “but meanwhile”) sequence.

You describe the one character teaching the others how to do things, and then those characters doing them. Can you think of a way you might “but then” instead?

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Who is the narrator of this again? It's being told in first person.

I see you have one story posted on this site.

The main male character..

That's a different one, different story line that may have similarities. That one seeme to flow better, but since this is Lit, it really stretches what's normal for most people.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

If the scenes are only ever interlinked by an implied “and then,” your story is lacking complications.

That's part of what I'm trying to get past. Scene one, scene two, scene three, OK, but how does scene four fit in with scene two? How do they connect and why not just make a separate story? In scene six, does a reference, memory or mention of a name from scene three fit in?

 

[StillStunned]

If the scenes are only ever interlinked by an implied “and then,” your story is lacking complications. Here I’m paraphrasing - of all people - Trey Parker. A good episode of South Park threads its scenes together in a kind of “but then” (or “but meanwhile”) sequence.

I was just about to mention the same thing.

 

[gunhilltrain]

The main male character..

That's a different one, different story line that may have similarities. That one seeme to flow better, but since this is Lit, it really stretches what's normal for most people.

What is "normal for most people?" Don't be swayed merely because it is on Lit. As electricblue said it his post above, do you have a story without the sex scenes? Do you even need every sex scene in there? You control how "normal" or "abnormal" you want it to be.

 

[lovecraft68]

You have to go back to the start, reread the first section, then sit back and decide what happens between one and two, then do that again and again. You need a straight line from A to Z not skip five letters in between and write what you have 'ready' because you get what you have now; a disconnect between them because you did not organically progress the story, you're just hopping around.

You used flow, as in it doesn't flow when reading it and that's because you had no flow when writing it. You can't have lumps of story them think you can sew them together after the fact.

Tossing this out there even though it goes against what most writers do, but this works for me.

Lose the outline, it sticks you in a box. Just go back and retell it, and let the story take control of you, not you control the story. When you do that you find you start with no idea where you're going, but the more you write the more it falls together.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Yeah, I didn't start with an outline, or even a real direction to an ending. It's almost playing along, ad-libbing and following where it seems the characters might want it to go.

But when I looked back is where I noticed it kind of seemed like an outline. What is a paragraph, might be better as two or three paragraphs if I can fill in the story around that scene.

Reading it a few times over and changing a few words seems to have helped some, but it still needs some filling out to make scenes more llke scenes than sequential vignettes.

 

[Lifestyle66]

That's part of what I'm trying to get past. Scene one, scene two, scene three, OK, but how does scene four fit in with scene two? How do they connect and why not just make a separate story? In scene six, does a reference, memory or mention of a name from scene three fit in?

I just finished reading your one story which you published Sept 9th.

I gave it a 5 for encouragement as your first.

But I think you're rushing things in a quest to write erotic scenes. The first-person narrator has no emotional build-up for the things he's doing or the things happening around him in the story. I think it's referred to as a "one-dimensional character", or a story prop, almost like an inanimate object dropped into the scene.

This is her son, and he's ambushed by his mother and sister, being told to stay and watch as they suck and fuck everyone around them except him. Then he's told to do the same thing another day, stand and just watch while his mother does all of his former H.S. friends. And he's even told to serve everyone at these parties. So, the whole story can be summarized as "a son is forced to watch mom and sis hit by a Martian Slut Ray., until sis finally hooks him up with another slut."

You mention the part where he eventually brings up his best friend's mother for him to use as payback, but there's no further resolution to that in the remainder of the story. So, I think you went off on a different tangent with the sister's friend. Why didn't he just go and hit on his friend's mother as payback?

I think in your first story, you did the same thing, scene 1, scene 2, scene, 3, loosely connected around the mom-sister-son voyeur incest story. But even the ages didn't seem to be well explained, as the mom's mentioned being 40 years old, with two kids out of college. So, that would mean teen pregnancies with the older daughter being out of college. Even a two-year college would have the mom pregnant at 19 and 20 years old to have these two, but she showed pictures as a car model at age 20.

So, I'd recommend slowing down to re-read and think through the story plot and all of these little details, too. Try to pay a little more attention to the descriptions of each character, to keep the story consistent and thus more believable.

 

[SookieHaze7]

Do the scenes you wrote escalate in some way? In intimacy? In intensity? In loss of control for the character? In an increase of control by the character?

If not, then why write more than one? If all the scenes are really good but nothing new happens, then you're wasting them. In that case, it'd be better to write a different story around each one. Otherwise, you might find that you've used up your reservoir of good sex scenes and words on one work and handicap yourself later on because, as you said, there are only so many interesting ways to describe putting Part A into Slot B.

On the other hand, if each sex act is changing the character as they slip further down his aunt's rabbit hole, then you could explain how the main character (I assume it's Dick) feels about each step in his journey. You could even have him thinking, "Well, I'll do this, but I'd never do [insert something that will happen in a future scene]". Then you could have Dick contemplate how his world view has changed after his experiences and how the things he thought he knew about life no longer match the reality he's seeing.

I know you didn't ask about this, but I'd like to share a bit of advice someone gave me that improved my writing immeasurably... Go through your work (except for dialog) and try to eliminate as many of the following words as possible: 'Is', 'was', 'are', and 'were' and their negative counterparts 'isn't', 'wasn't', 'aren't', and 'weren't'. For instance, "She was standing as we approached her" could become "She stood as we approached" to make the sentence more active and efficient.

Consider this paragraph: "I was given a few days to visit with some of my friends before I left with my sister for something I wasn’t at all sure of. Part of me wanted to stay home and help Mom, but I was told that wasn’t an option. The house was already sold and she’d be moving in with distant cousin in her small house far out in the country."

There's nothing particularly wrong with that paragraph except for the last sentence missing a comma and the word "a" or "her", but you could make it more active, informative, and interesting by eliminating the passive language. Instead of "I was given", how about "Mom gave me (or whoever did gave it to him)"? It's less passive, and it gives the reader more information for the same amount of words.

Looking at the other sentences, did his mom or his aunt say it wasn't an option? Did his older sister tell him that? That could provide more details into the family dynamic with less words (Mom said it wasn't an option", "My aunt said it wasn't an option", or "Jane said that wasn't an option").

Did mom sell the house or did the bank foreclose and sell it? Did the dominating aunt actually own it and sell it to force the issue? The house part probably isn't necessary for Dick's story, but details like that can help create a world where the reader can lose themselves without adding any words (once you get rid of the the uses of the word "was" in that paragraph).

Again, it's fine the way it is written, but eliminating those words could increase the pace of your story and add depth and texture to your work. You won't get rid of them all since sometimes that's the perfect word for the sentence, but I try to make sure I never have more than one or two on a page. That forces me to find a more interesting way of saying it.

I warn you though, it becomes sort of an obsession once you see how much better your writing gets, and I sometimes have to tell myself, "Let this one go. It's good the way it is."

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

But I think you're rushing things in a quest to write erotic scenes. The first-person narrator has no emotional build-up for the things he's doing or the things happening around him in the story. I think it's referred to as a "one-dimensional character", or a story prop, almost like an inanimate object dropped into the scene.

This is her son, and he's ambushed by his mother and sister, being told to stay and watch as they suck and fuck everyone around them except him. Then he's told to do the same thing another day, stand and just watch while his mother does all of his former H.S. friends. And he's even told to serve everyone at these parties. So, the whole story can be summarized as "a son is forced to watch mom and sis hit by a Martian Slut Ray., until sis finally hooks him up with another slut."

You mention the part where he eventually brings up his best friend's mother for him to use as payback, but there's no further resolution to that in the remainder of the story. So, I think you went off on a different tangent with the sister's friend. Why didn't he just go and hit on his friend's mother as payback?

That gets filled in a sort of flash back later that hasn't been published yet.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Do the scenes you wrote escalate in some way? In intimacy? In intensity? In loss of control for the character? In an increase of control by the character?

Yes, extensively.

For instance, "She was standing as we approached her" could become "She stood as we approached" to make the sentence more active and efficient.

To me that would suggest she was sitting and stood up. My intent was to indicate she was already standing and waiting.

Consider this paragraph: "I was given a few days to visit with some of my friends before I left with my sister for something I wasn’t at all sure of. Part of me wanted to stay home and help Mom, but I was told that wasn’t an option. The house was already sold and she’d be moving in with distant cousin in her small house far out in the country."

There's nothing particularly wrong with that paragraph except for the last sentence missing a comma and the word "a" or "her", but you could make it more active, informative, and interesting by eliminating the passive language. Instead of "I was given", how about "Mom gave me (or whoever did gave it to him)"? It's less passive, and it gives the reader more information for the same amount of words.

Looking at the other sentences, did his mom or his aunt say it wasn't an option? Did his older sister tell him that? That could provide more details into the family dynamic with less words (Mom said it wasn't an option", "My aunt said it wasn't an option", or "Jane said that wasn't an option").

Did mom sell the house or did the bank foreclose and sell it? Did the dominating aunt actually own it and sell it to force the issue? The house part probably isn't necessary for Dick's story, but details like that can help create a world where the reader can lose themselves without adding any words

Explained in previous paragraphs, but I really don't want to post to much to the forum.

.

 

[Lifestyle66]

That gets filled in a sort of flash back later that hasn't been published yet.

But there's no indication that there's to be a follow-on story. So, it's left hanging in what appears to be this stand-alone story.

Also, I'd recommend focusing more on the background of your main character, the first-person narrator, and why he'd be so unemotional or clinical about the whole thing. Why wouldn't he be getting hard and anxious watching his sister and mother sucking and fucking? Why wouldn't he storm off in frustration, calling them whores or sluts by leaving him frustrated? Or maybe he'd get angry, step up to one of them, and shove his hard cock in her mouth to get off.

But to just stand by, watching, serving drinks, being forced to name one of his friends to be first to fuck his mother, and sent off to get her the toy, and not getting off himself?

That sounds like he's just a tool in the story.

EDIT: The MC can be clinical and unemotional. But you should preface all of that by explaining it to the reader and why he is that way. Maybe his father berated him from showing any emotions, and he grew up that way, and he's glad now that his father is out of the house and gone from his life. Maybe he secretly watched once or twice as his sister fucked a boyfriend when she was home from college, so her behavior isn't a surprise, and she looks a lot like her mother, so it's something he can disassociate in his mind. Or maybe he's mildly autistic and unemotional. But the reader needs the characters described in a way to relate to in their own lives. The reader must think "I know someone like that!", or "I can see that happening."

 

[Rob_Royale]

Aside from the characters having sex, how much plot do you have?
Also, when my story feels thin, I do repeated (dozens) edit/polishing passes, over time, adding a little more bulk as I go. It holds up completion but it's a better product when you're done.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Weird. It's been not much more than an hour since I clicked Submit and it already shows 'New' with a date, 14th I think.

 

[StillStunned]

Weird. It's been not much more than an hour since I clicked Submit and it already shows 'New' with a date, 14th I think.

You must have signed up for the Gold Star Author programme.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

All five parts of the first story did the same thing. This is the first part of a different story and I just submitted the second part, so I'll check nack shortly to see what it does.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

That one's 'New' now too with a date of the 16th.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

About 4-6 hours since publication:

HOT​

4.67 / 30 5 1.8k

This is the one I opened the thread regarding. I broke in into two parts and the second half will go live in a few days.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Oh fuuuuuucccckkk, something just came to me.


Can I do it?

Has it been done?


I don't want to say more.


Maybe just .... a calling from the grave?



Can a part of a series be entered in a contest?

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

About 4-6 hours since publication:

HOT​

4.67 / 30 5 1.8k

This is the one I opened the thread regarding. I broke in into two parts and the second half will go live in a few days.

Now at 15 hours, 6.1K views, 137 votes, 4.64 rating and 16 Favorites

My three others aren't anywhere near that.

 

[Whanmore]

The concept and progression are fine from country kids to perverted city sluts under the guidance of their aunt, but it jumps from scene to scene to repetitive scene without a smooth flow. It's almost like a 10,000 word outline. I'm lost in it and don't know how to fill in the story line to make it seem comfortable for readers rather than a bunch of outtakes.

Add some good dialogue where the characters talk about whats gonna happen next and why. Thats what I do!

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Mostly positive comments, but a few fools saying 'you should have told us it was chapter one but you didn't so we dinged you'.

 

[SookieHaze7]

Mostly positive comments, but a few fools saying 'you should have told us it was chapter one but you didn't so we dinged you'.

Haters gonna hate.