I Think I Broke My Wife

[leatherleaf]

This!
Also, people handle pain differently at different times. Mood, hormonal cycles, health, time of day all can affect how you react to a certain type of pain and how much you can take.

There is absolutely a learning curve like you said and trust takes time.
While you may have been married for a long time, I guess you are new to this so while she may trust you generally, it will take some time before she trusts you to do this thing well.
I have been married to my husband for a very long time and would be a bit nervous if he decided to give me a haircut for example.

I agree. That is such a great analogy.

 

[leatherleaf]

Sometimes I cry because I'm in a rough place in my monthly cycle. Sometimes I cry because it's the only way I can let go. Sometimes I cry because dammit X hurts and I'm struggling to accept it (or my need for X to hurt). Sometimes I cry because X hurts and I like it.

If she says you talk things to death, stop. Have one last discussion (for example go over a checklist together, or have her write you a list of things she wants to try) and then drop it. *On the condition that she owns her shit and trusts you to do the research/ etc to do XYZ as safely as possible.*

For myself, discussions as in teasing foreplay work. A 15 minute "staff meeting" prior to doing things would be frustrating as hell, kill any interest I had, and (for me) not end well.

And NO, I don't recommend finding someone more experienced to play with as a learning tool. Learn together. There are books, youtube videos, local organizations, conferences. BOTH of you (IMO) should be learning and walking the path together.

I get what you are saying. She has told me this but I guess I'm trying to be extra careful. She's saying just do and I want to make sure I don't do anything wrong. Now I get what people say about unsure doms.

I agree with your last point. I learn well with videos and other media. But we are going to make mistakes. I'd rather keep trying and talking than to live sexually repressed.

Thanks for your help.

J

 

[leatherleaf]

It sounds like you're trying very hard to be careful and cautious and considerate, so kudos (don't mean that to sound patronisisng at all)

Not patronizing at all.

 

[leatherleaf]

So in your view, sadists should be what? Executed?

As I understand it he's asking about consensual play. It sounded to me like he's going out of his way to try to make sure that it is truly consensual...

Sounds like you think your husband was a dick and the court agreed with you the fact that he was a sadist may or may not have had something to do with the apparently readily observable fact that he was a dick.

Nothing like a submissive defining the acceptable parameters of dominance.

You get to decide when and if and in what manner you choose to submit.

You don't get to decide everyone else's play.

THANK YOU! As you said it was consensual. There's a big difference in being a sadist for 2 hour one night every two weeks and doing everyday.

J

 

[leatherleaf]

When we are looking at trying something new, Master will ask me to write scenarios as to how I see the scene developing, that way he gets an idea of how my mind is working and understands what I want from the scene.
After he will ask me to write about what took place, what was good and bad and why. We have moved forwards a lot by doing this. He understands that even though I say Owwww and wriggle and dislike the pain, I am enduring it for him, and until I safeword, he can keep going.
I find writing better than a conversation. I have time to sort through my feelings and come up with reasoned responses.

I have cried during an intense scene. I wasn't unhappy, it is like all my bottled up emotions came flooding out. For someone who doesn't cry much, it was a shock!

That is such a great idea. I don't know if she'd consider that talking it to death or not. It would certainly take away some of the guilt/shame feelings we are still trying to work through. I'll have to see what she thinks. Thanks.

J

 

[leatherleaf]

Experience is just time really.

From a woman's point of view and the pain threshold thing-we are complicated beings ref the monthly cycle. Not just physically but emotionally too, and sometimes we aren't even aware of it. There are times during the month (pre menstral, ie a couple of days before a period) where if my PYL decides to initiate sex he is likely to get a hatchet through his head.
I notice my pain threshold dips drastically a few days before a period too, and I have once had to stop myself throwing up from one strike of the crop, yet other times I can take it for ages. Its all relative.

The tears? I think they are a perfectly normal reaction to the pain, tears aren't black and white-there are lots of grey areas. I often find myself a snivelling mess at the end of a session, but its all release tears for me.

Myself and my OH have worked through our BDSM needs together for years, its taken a long time to be able to read the signals we send each other, what to try, if we like it and when we both engage in play time. We started off slowly and even now still check with each other if everything in that session was ok.

One thing is for certain though, everyone in this lifestyle will go through the transition of fantasy to reality. There is a big difference between the two, so experiment and take baby steps and keep communicating, especially after when you both have time to reflect

This answers another one of my questions.

The REASON for the cane was simple. We used the flogger a week or so ago and literally I thought I was going to hurt her and she kept whimpering "more". Does she think I want to give more or does she enjoy more? I talked to her about it and she just kind of laughed - she enjoyed it.

What you are saying supports this and answers my question. Every time is not the same and not even close. I guess that's a good thing. Just confusing for a dumb guy that thinks in black/white.

Thanks

J

 

[Netzach]

Seriously, get off the "woman" thing. She's not that biologically different as to be another life form.

Ever had a buddy give you shit about something and one day it feels like ha ha funny and another day the same remark would make you want to punch him?

(My money is on yes)

 

[Stella_Omega]

This answers another one of my questions.

The REASON for the cane was simple. We used the flogger a week or so ago and literally I thought I was going to hurt her and she kept whimpering "more". Does she think I want to give more or does she enjoy more? I talked to her about it and she just kind of laughed - she enjoyed it.

What you are saying supports this and answers my question. Every time is not the same and not even close. I guess that's a good thing. Just confusing for a dumb guy that thinks in black/white.

Thanks

J

Okay, if she was whimpering "more" then you need to stop worrying about hurting her, and start worrying about how you're going to satisfy her (and you had better read that essay of mine, because you are NOT her "Dom," and you both need to rethink that dynamic. )

Floggers, as most people use them, do not hurt. If anything, the sensation gets numbing and then I get bored. It takes a mighty hard hand, and a mighty hard leather, to make a flogger impact anyone enough to really hurt them.

I know, I know, thousands of people worry about kidneys and livers and hitting them. Most of us don't have enough padding over them for hard impact, it's true. better to avoid those places.

A cane however-- damn, I will NEVER be bored under a cane! Or swinging one, either. I love the precision, and the variety of sensations you can get out of one-- from a light pattering bouncing movement to the classic double welt tiger stripes with your target screaming 'oh fuck yeah.'

Remember, you can always play light with heavy toys...

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Just to throw something in about tears, sensations, and emotions:

In some ways, a massage is similar. A good massage releases bottled up emotions, causes tears to fall, and can be generally cleansing.

A good scene can do the same.

Also, listen to Stella. She's a fount of knowledge and an authority on topics like these.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Seriously, get off the "woman" thing. She's not that biologically different as to be another life form.

Ever had a buddy give you shit about something and one day it feels like ha ha funny and another day the same remark would make you want to punch him?

(My money is on yes)

THANK YOU!!!! This was bothering me...

 

[leatherleaf]

Seriously, get off the "woman" thing. She's not that biologically different as to be another life form.

Ever had a buddy give you shit about something and one day it feels like ha ha funny and another day the same remark would make you want to punch him?

(My money is on yes)

Seriously - some of you take things I (a confessed neophyte) say way too seriously.

 

[midwestyankee]

Seriously - some of you take things I (a confessed neophyte) say way too seriously.

Some of us hold that words mean specific things. If you type "want to kill her" we're going to take it seriously. If you had meant "hurt her more than she could handle on that occasion" but typed "want to kill her" we can't know what you meant but did not say.

Get it now?

 

[GrrlFriday]

This answers another one of my questions.

The REASON for the cane was simple. We used the flogger a week or so ago and literally I thought I was going to hurt her and she kept whimpering "more". Does she think I want to give more or does she enjoy more? I talked to her about it and she just kind of laughed - she enjoyed it.

What you are saying supports this and answers my question. Every time is not the same and not even close. I guess that's a good thing. Just confusing for a dumb guy that thinks in black/white.

Thanks

J

Then perhaps that's part of your learning experience - understanding that sometimes, there can be such things as happy tears, and learning more about your wife's wants and responses.

 

[leatherleaf]

Some of us hold that words mean specific things. If you type "want to kill her" we're going to take it seriously. If you had meant "hurt her more than she could handle on that occasion" but typed "want to kill her" we can't know what you meant but did not say.

Get it now?

Text is the lowest form of communication after all.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Text is the lowest form of communication after all.

We have to work extra hard at it... it's all we have, on the internet

Anyway, I think you are on the right track from what you'vesaid.

 

[leatherleaf]

We have to work extra hard at it... it's all we have, on the internet

Anyway, I think you are on the right track from what you'vesaid.

Thanks and thank you for your help.

J

 

[midwestyankee]

Text is the lowest form of communication after all.

Then I suggest that you forgo the use of text here and post only in pantomime videos.

 

[leatherleaf]

Then I suggest that you forgo the use of text here and post only in pantomime videos.

Deal. Wait, is that a solution?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Then I suggest that you forgo the use of text here and post only in pantomime videos.

This I gotta see

 

[l1sha]

I cry often when Master is spanking me and such, so I wouldn't worry about that. Assuming she can speak during activities, go by what she says. If Master was spanking me and it hurt too much, I would tell him. If she's not telling you it's too much, then it's probably not too much. The first time I cried when Master spanked me I wondered afterwards if he might have thought that was a bad thing, so I texted him the next day that it's ok if he makes me cry. Texting really is a great way to communicate very specifically at a distance, so it doesn't ruin the mood like a detailed in person conversation might. It's as if whatever we say in texts is separate from what goes on in the bedroom, so much so that when we get together it's as if the text conversation didn't happen and he's just doing what he wants with me, which is how we both want it to be.

 

[Ruby_Atom]

I cry sometimes while subbing, and it's totally not a bad thing for me. You have to have trust in her, such that if she is having a bad time, she will use her safe word if she needs to.

Anything contraption you make to strap someone to MUST be tested rigorously! No exceptions!

My husband is a bit clumsy. For example, if he carries me through a door, I will inevitably bang my foot against the frame. That kind of thing. It's irritating and does diminish my trust in him, in the sense that I can never relax when he does stuff like that. I still trust him as a person - I just don't trust his spatial awareness! If your wife gets a nasty injury from poorly tested equipment, it would be totally normal for her to not be very enthusiastic about future sessions.

 

[leatherleaf]

Thanks - those two replies helped.

And yes I know I know about my contraptions. I tested it but not thoroughly enough for sure!

J

 

[NightyKnight]

Not an expert...

*****

 

[anonymity90]

I've not read the whole thread, but I want to chime in with my two cents.

I cry when I'm being beaten up. Not every time. But I do. It's my catharsis for when I bottle things up and can't express them through words. When someone beats me up on a bad day, it makes me cry with relief as there's something to cry about (plus the hormones are going crazy, etc).

Does that resonate with your wife? Is she the type of woman who bottles things up/doesn't like to talk?

Crying isn't the worst thing to happen, every now and then.

 

[Deacon13]

Thanks - those two replies helped.

And yes I know I know about my contraptions. I tested it but not thoroughly enough for sure!

J

Learning curve!!