I would like some constructive feedback on my new poem, I am very very new at this

[chinacatKS]

not quite right

I am thinking that this just does not feel quite right

I think it has lost something

any thoughts from anyone?

 

[chinacatKS]

changes to first two parts

A Vision of Inception.

Observing
unclouded firmament full of stars
Deliberating
vision uninhibited by love and fear,
Drumming
imitating frantic heart beats

why can't I feel this when I am with you?

Dancers
enveloped by love pure and strong
Swaying
bodies gyrating, swirling thoughts
Circling
lost awareness to earthly problems

why can't I feel this with you?

 

[chinacatKS]

yeah!!!!!

okay,

I have found my rhythm once again!!!!!!

 

[chinacatKS]

more work

now to work on the rest of it....

 

[chinacatKS]

no sleep

I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason and cannot sleep...guess it is as good a time as any to work on this some more

 

[chinacatKS]

not a thing

I didn't accomplish a thing..got distracted..will try some more today

 

[tarablackwood22]

Just passing through.

So it doesn't look like you're talking to yourself.

 

[chinacatKS]

hi

Thank you

I was starting to wonder if I was crazy or not...

 

[chinacatKS]

wow

what a busy busy weekend this turned out to be...back to work today...*sigh* I hope to work on this some more tonight. Have a great day!!!

 

[chinacatKS]

yeah

okay I am off to work

 

[minsue]

Re: wow

what a busy busy weekend this turned out to be...back to work today...*sigh* I hope to work on this some more tonight. Have a great day!!!

Please do

I'm terrible at editing poems (prose I can do, poems no so much), so this is fascinating as hell.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I'm sure that you'll get it worked out, China. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find your voice and style, but you'll get there, keep working at it until you're satisfied with the results.



In the haunted house of life, art is the only stair that doesn't creak. -Tom Robbins

 

[champagne1982]

I'm going to make a couple of guesses about your poem and forgive me if I'm really far off the mark. As well take anything I say and hurl it far from you if it seems wrong or offensive. Mine is just an opinion, by no means should it be allowed to effect you. With that said ...

A Vision of inception

There was a night This is obvious, since you can see stars.
as I stood observant the unclouded firmament filled with stars and drumming. Find a way to tell us about what you see and hear without telling us what you see or hear.
I deliberated,Again, a telling phrase about what you are doing. If you drop "I deliberated" then you can reconnect with the reader by intimately asking the question that follows.
why can't it be, that I feel like this, when you are with me? Or instead of commas you could insert line breaks

The circle of dancers full of energy so pure, You could make this more symbolic through harkening back to the native North American Circle Dance. Anyone who has ever participated in one, would understand the spiritual movement and moment of it. I'm sure this is what you are alluding to, so bring it into focus for us through using those terms and symbols. The beads, the feathers, the chanting voices inviting the world to join in the celebration and complete the connection.
the sway of love that could strongly endure.
The gyrations of body and swirling of thoughts, the emotions of ones to earthly problems were lost.

The fire was extending it's sultry tendrils to the sky, Rephrase this to become less a narrative and more a snapshot of the fire. ie: Fire's sultry tendrils reach to the sky,
the moon was shining it's sorcery in to my beguiled eyes. Moon's shining sorcery beguiling eyes,
My heart was pounding to the cadence so earthy, Earth's pounding cadence freeing hearts
the perfection of liberation was conceived without mortal flaw. Perfection's conception, without mortal flaw.

I'm sure you could go through the rest of the poem and find the images and meanings you wish to convey. Take it out of the narrative and let your reader put themselves into your story and find their own meaning. Right now, it's a fine foundation for a poem about a woman's vision quest, going out to find where her life will lead and finding that it leads away from him. I really hope you can knot the thread and take us through to a logical ending. The way this one stops, makes me feel like there is nothing resolved. If you choose to narrate, you should choose to draw a conclusion. Perhaps by bringing back the fire, the drums and the circle dance again.

 

[chinacatKS]

Thank YOu!!!!

You ahve all been very wonderful. Thank you so much for the feedback you have given. I will keep working at it.

 

[chinacatKS]

hmm

I don't know if I will make any progress on this tonight or not

 

[chinacatKS]

frustrated

I am frustrated and tired...I just can't tackle this tonight..*sigh* maybe tomorrow.

 

[chinacatKS]

don't know yet

I don't know where my thoughts are going to go tonight...maybe I should have a new thread for them tonight.

 

[chinacatKS]

hmmm

I will get back to working on this I promise

 

[chinacatKS]

sigh

I have been thinking about ideas to make this one better...but overtime at work is keeping me from making any more progress.

 

[chinacatKS]

morning

another day another opportunity

hopefully I will make use of it

 

[chinacatKS]

another day

I think the pohrase from one of the Grateful Dead songs best describes my state of mind:

"what a long strange trip it's been..."

 

[chinacatKS]

another day

so here i go down "the golden road to ulimited devotion" have a Grateful Day!!!!!

 

[chinacatKS]

summoned away

darn, I was just getting ready to start working on this and my boyfriend called..have to run..*BIG SMILE* see you later

 

[chinacatKS]

maybe tomorrow

I should be able to spend some time on it tomorrow