If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

[intothewoods]

Missed these before.

I wish I'd known that nobody truly has my best interests at heart but ME. Sure, people might be concerned about me, and they might even care about me, but, ultimately, if it comes down to me or them, they'll always choose themselves. It's human nature to look out for number one. There's no such thing as pure selflessness, and absolute power does corrupt absolutely. It sounds hot in theory, but it rarely plays out very well in practice.

I think it's possible for others to have your best interest at heart but you ultimately are responsible for your own life.

Well I do wish I had explored my kinky side long ago, but now that I'm older I do long for the intense relationshipy stuff... Guys not so much sadly

Edited to add, I've never had a real loving long term relationship, and being the tough, single mom, "I can do it all on my own" kind of chick, does get tiring after too many years, sigh

What I was trying to say is that you don't need to figure out your identity in order to get or give a spanking. Or to tie someone up or be tied up. At play parties and events, it's about sex, sure, but there's also a lot of fun, horseplay (err, I mean goofing off), experimentation and other stuff that doesn't require a commitment to check the sub, Dom, Top, bottom, switch, whatever box. This isn't like a major life regret or anything but I think it would have been cool to say "I don't know." Because people are generally asking because they want to know if they'll get to play with you, want to play with you and vice versa. Well, why not leave that door wide open in the beginning? What you ultimately need in a long term relationship is different from what might be fun to do at a play party on a Saturday night. But people in the scene -- at least my experience -- are agressive. There's not a lot of taking it slow.

 

[eastern sun]

That the expression of my sexuality is not a "lifestyle," that there are no patterns that must be copied in order to be true to my own desires, that I was - in fact - free to create myself.

 

[LucyH]

It is light-years easier for me to find someone suitably perverse who happens to be compatible in other ways than it is to find someone who's compatible in other ways, then find out whether they're sexually compatible, and then try to coax them into trying stuff when it turns out they're not into it.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree that it is possible to care for someone else far more than yourself. That's my tendency. What is difficult for me, is to care much about me. I've been working on that.

FF

Just hadto make a comment on this It is in fact possible for someone to only care about others and not about themselves heh... I suffer fro a mental conditon that makes it impossible for me to have an emotional attachment to myself. i see my life from a third person perspective and in return i tend to emotionally attach ridiculously strongly to others i percieve as worthy. Course trough years oif theraphy i have been able to not simply care about everywone but it is in fact possible Rather rare but possible hehe



Now as a reply to the post i personally started out online.. Starting to research this phenomenon as early as i gott my hands on a computer and a internett connection at the age of 13. And i suggest to make sure to spend long hours studying and researching everything first.. A good theoretical knowledge makes it easier to move to real situations.. Course it also sort of ruined my first relationshipp as i had way too high knowledge then my dom heh... But gotta take the good with the bad

 

[rida]

*snip*
Don't let other people define your kink.

QFT

I think my best advice would be to encourage a newbie to find a friend. Seek out someone with similar views on TTTWD. Not really a mentor, as much as a confident to go to who will be honest and compassionate. I have one such friend who has saved my sanity and my relationship on many, many occasions.

Absolutely!
Having a sounding board, someone that you know is not invested in any other way but to have your best interest at heart is going to be a great help for those struggling moment that always come up in life. And when it comes to kinky stuff/relationship, someone that understand what you are talking about is the best!

 

[PermanentMarks]

Even subs need to protect their 'personhood'

You are a fully functional human being first, and being a sub is in third or fourth place at best. It's better to be alone with dignity, than paired up with an asshole.

 

[Loverskitten]

I'm still learning but here goes...

Missed these before.
What I was trying to say is that you don't need to figure out your identity in order to get or give a spanking. Or to tie someone up or be tied up. At play parties and events, it's about sex, sure, but there's also a lot of fun, horseplay (err, I mean goofing off), experimentation and other stuff that doesn't require a commitment to check the sub, Dom, Top, bottom, switch, whatever box. This isn't like a major life regret or anything but I think it would have been cool to say "I don't know." Because people are generally asking because they want to know if they'll get to play with you, want to play with you and vice versa. Well, why not leave that door wide open in the beginning? What you ultimately need in a long term relationship is different from what might be fun to do at a play party on a Saturday night. But people in the scene -- at least my experience -- are agressive. There's not a lot of taking it slow.

Well this is good to know as I have yet to attend a play party. I'm scared *blush* but I'm also VERY curious.

I think as far as play goes, just like sex, some people will jump right in while others need the relationship. I tend to teeter on this line, depending on my current situation and attraction/chemistry with the person.
I do however look at play as a more than casual thing. I think it requires more trust and care than I can gain during a play party. Maybe I'm a prude? I just feel like if I'm making myself that vulnerable, I need to have feelings for you. There's also that extreme "want to please" feeling when I am in an intense relationship. The adrenaline rush, the mixed feelings, the touch of fear... it's all to intense for me to be casual. But who knows, maybe I'll go to a play party one day and become smitten with someone, I'm a hopeless romantic, yuck.

I'm also quite hypocritical because my Top side yearns to dish out a beating, just to blow off some frustration, and it could be almost anyone.



As far as the OP question....
I've thought about it for a while

•SPEAK UP, be honest, be open about your wants/needs with your SO...... even if they may think you're weird.
And speak up before or during, not after you're hurt or you find out you hurt someone.

•Go after what you want in the bedroom. Your yearning for a kink or fetish won't magically go away.

•Realize your boundaries and don't try to fool yourself into being ok with something you're not, just to please another.

•If you're curious, try it.

Learned the first ones the hard way, still working on that last one