I'm mad, too.

[Netzach]

I can relate to this...almost any time I am angry with D or with something D did or didn't do or something, it stems from fear. A fear she is losing interest in me. A fear she will leave me. A fear I am too intense for her, that she will regret collaring me, etc etc etc. That cycles around to me being angry with MYSELF for having those fears in the first place after all she does to show me how much she cares. It's hard to figure out sometimes until it's too late and I've already reacted...fear has this nasty habit of masking itself with illogical reasoning that in the height of emotion, seems perfectly logical.

I've been learning to ask her for help when I get into this rut. It's like a drug for me...some people struggle with alcohol or drugs....my drug is a feeling of self-worthlessness and self-doubt. Learning to communicate these feelings in a productive manner has really been tough as I don't like admitting I have them at all.

My slave struggles with this constantly -- the self-negating and undercutting and the assumption of worthlessness and failure. It's an emotional, animal-brain, deep level issue and I think it lurks under the surface for most people in some form, some more persistant than others.

I've found that writing down the fears, just looking at the words, often relieves them. In a simple form. "I am afraid they are going to fire me from this contract because ...." "I am afraid you are going to leave me because..."
Often there IS no because, and trying to articulate one reminds you that the fear is unfounded.

 

[shy slave]

"I am afraid you are going to leave me because..."
Often there IS no because, and trying to articulate one reminds you that the fear is unfounded.

My mind just fills in the blanks the same way as a child does with their fears about monsters under the bed.

There is no 'because,' but fear is not rational or logical, it has its own manifestations, and all of them give nightmares

 

[serijules]

My slave struggles with this constantly -- the self-negating and undercutting and the assumption of worthlessness and failure. It's an emotional, animal-brain, deep level issue and I think it lurks under the surface for most people in some form, some more persistant than others.

I've found that writing down the fears, just looking at the words, often relieves them. In a simple form. "I am afraid they are going to fire me from this contract because ...." "I am afraid you are going to leave me because..."
Often there IS no because, and trying to articulate one reminds you that the fear is unfounded.

My fear with this stems from a lot of failed relationships and friendships, all leading to people just walking away from me without making an effort to fix things. After the 6th time of this happening with people I cared deeply about, it is a deep scar that is very hard to "fix". I can often recognize the reason for how I am feeling, but 99% of the time it is people in the PAST that it is associated with, not D herself, so I am usually unfairly projecting past hurt and past pain on present situations, which is very unfair and illogical. We are working on that.

It really is very annoying...I can only imagine how it makes D feel. Then when we try to talk about it, I sense that frustration and get even more upset. It's one thing about myself that I really really do not like even though I really do understand where it stems from.

One of her rules for me is that I have to approach her on my knees a certain number of times a week and "confess", either misdeeds, feelings, desires, etc. If I'm not with her in person, that means being on my knees typing in my journal, or on my knees texting her on the phone, or whatever. The position (and suffering from that position...) reminds me of my place, and the requirement to confess makes it not an option for me to keep things inside. However, the problem I have with this is that I have a hard time sharing deep feelings to a blank screen when we are apart, and since I can't talk directly to her on the phone, I feel closed off and distant at a time where I really need closeness.

Last night I asked permission to call her and read the journal confessions to her, and that proved to be much better for me...knowing she was right there and hearing the emotion in my voice made me more secure that she was understanding my words as I meant them, not as they may come across when they are just 'words on a screen'. It's very easy to misread the emotion meant in words when they ARE just on a screen. I felt worlds better after that phone call even though it was a one sided conversation for the most part. Just getting it off my chest helped, and the fears and doubts faded away to appreciation of my place and awarness of how suffering for her makes me feel secure (being on my knees is very painful to me).

I have come to realize too that the things which I have difficulty with sometimes are also things I can use to display my submission to her. I have trouble with sharing and poly. I am very experienced in poly (I've never been in an exclusive relationship), but there are times when my possessiveness just takes over and I have a very hard time knowing she is playing with others or others are getting time with her that I am not. I am starting to realize that by sharing her gracefully despite my feelings is a very strong show of my submission and my trust in US. By focusing on that rather than on my own feelings or fears, I am displaying my submission in two ways...by putting her desires before my own, and by displaying my trust and faith in her and in our own commitment. That was a big realization for me....I love discoveries like this.