In need of advice

[Miss Diva]

For me a couple of emails, a chat on the cell phone and then if there was interest on the phone, coffee, far away from my house. I drive, he drives. I pay for my own coffee, he pays for his own (and if he pays for mine, he get bonus points). We talk. If it works out we make plans, if not, we wasted a few hours.

Many of the guys I meet complain that women want to chat online forever before going to the phone. A waste of time.

As for meeting, let's see, me and a ShyGuy went to London together. We met there, slept in the same room and had a great time. We had chatted before and talked on the phone and I felt safe. Very safe. And ShyGuy and still IM each other every day.

Another guy I met on lit, well it never felt right and I did not listen to my gut and it turned out he had another woman living with him. He IMed me the other day because they broke up (apparently she was crazy , but I think he was). And I let me gut do the talking. I was polite, strong but did not encourage further correspondance.

Go with the gut though. If it does not feel right then stop it right now. It will not get better.

Hugs and good luck.

 

[JMohegan]

While I agree with your principle here, I have to admit this is a very hard thing to do sometimes. I know personally, for me, some guys just click that submissiveness in me, whether I know them as a dom or not (and the reverse can be true where I just can't see a dom as a dominate figure). This is even harder to do when you're had some conversations that make you feel his power so to speak. And no amount of telling yourself "he's just a guy, he's just a guy" will help with that. Now to what extent one gives way to that pressence is fully with in their control. While I may keep my head half bowed and eyes lowered around some men, I'm not nessisarily going to let the flog me just because I feel their athority.

I think you nailed it with those last two sentences, Captain's Wench.

Papillon has not yet mentioned an interest in SM play, but your comments apply whether she seeks that or not.

 

[chris9]

I can understand the difference between meeting a dominant man I met on the internet and some random guy I met in a bar. It's actually why I'm rather unsure if I want to meet people from here. Meeting someone on a sex site means that they know some very intimate details about me (and I about them, but that doesn't bug me). More than most or even all of my friends know. I can be as open as I am because I'm writing to a screen, the screen answers, but it's anonymous. Taking this to the real world is scary. Talking to a stranger about sex face to face is not something I'm comfortable with. Though I'd actually expect a potential partner to not talk about sex at the first meeting but to see if there are other topics we can talk about.


Papillon, it would be nice if you stopped the All/all, You/you thing. It's awkward to read and IMO not very polite as it implies (to me) that the PYL is worth more than the pyl.
PYL=pick your label, capital for top, dom, etc., small for bottom, sub, etc.

 

[papilllon]

There are no easy answers

JMohegan,

Thank you for your last message. You had me smiling with the comment that a Dominant puts his pants on one leg at a time. I would indeed expect that! After all, such a man breathes, laugh, eats and is imperfect, like any other man or woman.

But although I do not see Dominant men as some all powerfull Gods, it’s a bit difficult to just consider them like plain regular guys either. Well, I’ve actually only met one in person (the one I ended up having a relationship with) but I felt a bit submissive around him, even the first time. Not super submissive as being willing to be ordered around but different than with a vanilla man. Somehow, he felt Dominant and it made something shift inside me. Hard to explain and very difficult to avoid.

But do not worry, that doesn't mean I would accept orders from any man claiming to be a Dom, far from it. I'll still be able to use my brain, not rush into anything and respect who I am.

When you wrote “over time, you recognize qualities, characteristics, needs, strengths, etc. that lead you to believe he is worthy of your submission” it made me think. It made me realize that perhaps what I’m looking for is really a romantic relationship with a certain D/S twist. Ah well, that one is for me to figure out! Just gets complicated sometimes when it’s mixed with very real sexual needs and Mr. Right is not always at my door… I don’t want to rush or sell out for something less than what I need but, hey, I’m no nun either!

Anyway, the man I’m in contact with accepted to let go of the sealed envelope thing and just give me his info. That’s one less worry. I just have to find out how I feel about the rest…

Chris9, my intention was certainly not to insult you and I’m sorry if you were but I’ve been asked before by submissive women, in this very website, to stop capitalizing their names because they were submissive. It was in no way meant to make you feel less than others. It would be ridiculous of me to consider submissives to be less than Dominants since I am a submissive myself. To be honest, I personally prefer to not go with the All/all thing, as you say, but I was actually trying to be polite. It seems that whatever I do, I’ll end up offending someone. Better then to go with what I prefer and thank you all for your input, just with a small “a”.

Chris9, yes, meeting over the net is a bit strange. I would much prefer not to talk about very intimate details before I even meet someone but if I try to meet the usual way, I wonder if I would ever meet a Dominant. How’s the chance to meet him while I do my groceries? I have been asking myself many times if Internet was really the best avenue but I haven’t found any alternative so far.

Agains, thank you all,

Papillon

 

[chris9]

Chris9, my intention was certainly not to insult you and I’m sorry if you were but I’ve been asked before by submissive women, in this very website, to stop capitalizing their names because they were submissive. It was in no way meant to make you feel less than others. It would be ridiculous of me to consider submissives to be less than Dominants since I am a submissive myself. To be honest, I personally prefer to not go with the All/all thing, as you say, but I was actually trying to be polite. It seems that whatever I do, I’ll end up offending someone. Better then to go with what I prefer and thank you all for your input, just with a small “a”.

Chris9, yes, meeting over the net is a bit strange. I would much prefer not to talk about very intimate details before I even meet someone but if I try to meet the usual way, I wonder if I would ever meet a Dominant. How’s the chance to meet him while I do my groceries? I have been asking myself many times if Internet was really the best avenue but I haven’t found any alternative so far.

Agains, thank you all,

Papillon

I don't get insulted that easily. I figure especially with people who come here new that they think it's simply done this way and want to be polite by doing the Y/you think. Actually your way was way better than that with You/you, since it was more easily readable. Anyways, it's a pain to write, and a pain to read, and no necessity to be polite, so I'm glad it's not your conviction it should be done that way.

As to meeting in a different way than online, it is indeed difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. It's a topic that comes up ever so often, I'll see if I can find a thread or two for you where meeting in RL was the topic.

Back already
There is one thread How did you meet your current partner/s? You'll see that while most met their partners on the internet, there are really all kinds of beginnings.

 

[papilllon]

I will look it up

I don't get insulted that easily. I figure especially with people who come here new that they think it's simply done this way and want to be polite by doing the Y/you think. Actually your way was way better than that with You/you, since it was more easily readable. Anyways, it's a pain to write, and a pain to read, and no necessity to be polite, so I'm glad it's not your conviction it should be done that way.

As to meeting in a different way than online, it is indeed difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. It's a topic that comes up ever so often, I'll see if I can find a thread or two for you where meeting in RL was the topic.

Back already
There is one thread How did you meet your current partner/s? You'll see that while most met their partners on the internet, there are really all kinds of beginnings.

Thank you for the thread, I'll look it up.

Papillon

 

[JMohegan]

JMohegan,

Thank you for your last message. You had me smiling with the comment that a Dominant puts his pants on one leg at a time. I would indeed expect that! After all, such a man breathes, laugh, eats and is imperfect, like any other man or woman.

Glad I made you smile.

But although I do not see Dominant men as some all powerfull Gods, it’s a bit difficult to just consider them like plain regular guys either. Well, I’ve actually only met one in person (the one I ended up having a relationship with) but I felt a bit submissive around him, even the first time. Not super submissive as being willing to be ordered around but different than with a vanilla man. Somehow, he felt Dominant and it made something shift inside me. Hard to explain and very difficult to avoid.

Thank god for that "shift inside" that occurs in some women. Without it, all my efforts to seduce and corrupt would have been in vain.

It might be helpful to keep in mind, though, that not all Dominant men will make you "shift" this way.

If you interviewed the submissive women I have met over the years, some would say: "I really wish he'd call me for a date", others would say: "He's not my type, but I guess I can see why some find him appealing", and still others would probably say, "Christ, he's an ass."

It seems to me that you won't know just how much "shifting" will really occur until you meet up in person. Fury made a great point when she wrote: "All the online chemistry in the world might be nothing in person, IMO."

yes, meeting over the net is a bit strange. I would much prefer not to talk about very intimate details before I even meet someone but if I try to meet the usual way, I wonder if I would ever meet a Dominant. How’s the chance to meet him while I do my groceries? I have been asking myself many times if Internet was really the best avenue but I haven’t found any alternative so far.

I met the most cherished woman of my life at the dry cleaner. Thought she looked adorable, started a conversation, and asked her to coffee next door. She said yes. That's a true story about the luckiest day of my life.

But you're right in asking - what are the odds?

Beachgurl recently asked for advice on the search for a dominant partner. Various responses may be found on this thread. My suggestions, about searches in the non-Internet world, may be found here.

Good luck to you, Papillon.

 

[papilllon]

Glad I made you smile.

Thank god for that "shift inside" that occurs in some women. Without it, all my efforts to seduce and corrupt would have been in vain.

It might be helpful to keep in mind, though, that not all Dominant men will make you "shift" this way.

If you interviewed the submissive women I have met over the years, some would say: "I really wish he'd call me for a date", others would say: "He's not my type, but I guess I can see why some find him appealing", and still others would probably say, "Christ, he's an ass."

I met the most cherished woman of my life at the dry cleaner. Thought she looked adorable, started a conversation, and asked her to coffee next door. She said yes. That's a true story about the luckiest day of my life.

But you're right in asking - what are the odds?

Your story is very sweet. The way you met the woman you love is simple yet completely romantic. As for the odds... The best way is probably to help destiny a bit and still keep my eyes open for the unexpected. This way, it leaves no stones unturned. Who knows, I might even be surprised next time I go to the gym!

I think you possess a great sense of humor JMohegan and you obviously seem able to laugh at yourself. Your comments were both funny and helpful. Thank you for the links.

Papillon

 

[the captians wench]

JMohegan,

Thank you for your last message. You had me smiling with the comment that a Dominant puts his pants on one leg at a time. I would indeed expect that! After all, such a man breathes, laugh, eats and is imperfect, like any other man or woman.

But although I do not see Dominant men as some all powerfull Gods, it’s a bit difficult to just consider them like plain regular guys either. Well, I’ve actually only met one in person (the one I ended up having a relationship with) but I felt a bit submissive around him, even the first time. Not super submissive as being willing to be ordered around but different than with a vanilla man. Somehow, he felt Dominant and it made something shift inside me. Hard to explain and very difficult to avoid.

But do not worry, that doesn't mean I would accept orders from any man claiming to be a Dom, far from it. I'll still be able to use my brain, not rush into anything and respect who I am.

When you wrote “over time, you recognize qualities, characteristics, needs, strengths, etc. that lead you to believe he is worthy of your submission” it made me think. It made me realize that perhaps what I’m looking for is really a romantic relationship with a certain D/S twist. Ah well, that one is for me to figure out! Just gets complicated sometimes when it’s mixed with very real sexual needs and Mr. Right is not always at my door… I don’t want to rush or sell out for something less than what I need but, hey, I’m no nun either!

Anyway, the man I’m in contact with accepted to let go of the sealed envelope thing and just give me his info. That’s one less worry. I just have to find out how I feel about the rest…

Chris9, my intention was certainly not to insult you and I’m sorry if you were but I’ve been asked before by submissive women, in this very website, to stop capitalizing their names because they were submissive. It was in no way meant to make you feel less than others. It would be ridiculous of me to consider submissives to be less than Dominants since I am a submissive myself. To be honest, I personally prefer to not go with the All/all thing, as you say, but I was actually trying to be polite. It seems that whatever I do, I’ll end up offending someone. Better then to go with what I prefer and thank you all for your input, just with a small “a”.

Chris9, yes, meeting over the net is a bit strange. I would much prefer not to talk about very intimate details before I even meet someone but if I try to meet the usual way, I wonder if I would ever meet a Dominant. How’s the chance to meet him while I do my groceries? I have been asking myself many times if Internet was really the best avenue but I haven’t found any alternative so far.

Agains, thank you all,

Papillon

I think maybe you are putting just a little too much into meeting with a dominant man as aposed to a vanilla one. How would you know a dominant man if you saw him on the street? It isn't all about the kinks he enjoys, it's a personality trait, a mentality. There are some men who I know only in a vanilla context who just make me feel that little twinge. I have met men who made me feel small, and while I again only know them in a vanilla world. And as JM, I think, pointed out, there are men I only know in as a dominant who couldn't make me feel any sort of athority from them. I know it's hard, but try to throw out these lables; you'll have a better chance of finding what you want out in the world if you do.

 

[chris9]

Your story is very sweet. The way you met the woman you love is simple yet completely romantic. As for the odds... The best way is probably to help destiny a bit and still keep my eyes open for the unexpected. This way, it leaves no stones unturned. Who knows, I might even be surprised next time I go to the gym!
Papillon

Besides, if you flirt a bit in real life, you'll have more fun on the way to finding Mister Perfect.

 

[papilllon]

I think maybe you are putting just a little too much into meeting with a dominant man as aposed to a vanilla one. How would you know a dominant man if you saw him on the street? It isn't all about the kinks he enjoys, it's a personality trait, a mentality. There are some men who I know only in a vanilla context who just make me feel that little twinge. I have met men who made me feel small, and while I again only know them in a vanilla world. And as JM, I think, pointed out, there are men I only know in as a dominant who couldn't make me feel any sort of athority from them. I know it's hard, but try to throw out these lables; you'll have a better chance of finding what you want out in the world if you do.

This point has been brought up to me in another website and it's a valid one. I agree that you can't tell just by looking at a man if he's a Dominant or not and that a man could be dominant without ever having defined himself as such.

But flirting in real life (as opposed to in the virtual world) is something I have been doing since I'm a teenager. I keep doing it and I'm not against meeting that way, not at all. But so far, I haven't found what I need there and this is the reason why I'm also looking at other avenues. Faith sometimes needs a little pat on the bottom. But my eyes are wide open for people I could meet in everyday life.

I agree with you, personnality is important. The first thing I'm looking for is a special connection with a man. I'm not searching for someone who's just a Dominant but for someone who will be a good macth for me, intellectually and sexually. But that being said, vanilla sex doesn't turn me on for very long. If my partner doesn't have a single Dom bone in him, I would be completely frustrated and grow up to be one day an old bitter woman. I'm 30, I had my first 3D D/S relationship about a year ago and it has been a bloody revelation! It was short, it didn't work for various reasons, but I want more of it!

But you're right, it's good to remember to not put too much emphasis on labels. What matters is how one feels with a partner when you come to think of it. Still though, if there's no spice under the vanilla, it's not very satysfying for me. My last lover was plain vanilla, very attentive, very skilled but I still had to think about D/S to have an orgasm in his company. That's when I told myself that it was getting a bit ridiculous and that aiming for what I want would be more useful than keep trying to make myself dig vanilla.

I'll keep your advice in mind though because, newbie as I am, I'm still a bit (or perhaps very) clueless about all of this.

As for the man I was discussing with, the Dominant one, I chose not to pursue the "relationship". The focus was on sex and sex only and I think this is the reason why I had so many reservations and felt that uncomfortable. Who I was as a person didn't seem to matter much so I said my goodbyes.

Well, enough ramblings!

Papillon

 

[papilllon]

Yep!

Besides, if you flirt a bit in real life, you'll have more fun on the way to finding Mister Perfect.

Alleluia to that!

 

[bustyblondebombshell]

Just to echo what some people have said on here already, I'd go with your gut instinct.

If he's a decent enough person, he will be happy to wait until you are ready to meet him. If he's not happy about it, then I would assume he was wanting to meet you for all the wrong motives anyway....

Whichever you chose, make sure that you make the right decision for you and don't get pushed into something you aren't comfortable with.

Be safe, look after yourself

 

[papilllon]

Just to echo what some people have said on here already, I'd go with your gut instinct.

If he's a decent enough person, he will be happy to wait until you are ready to meet him. If he's not happy about it, then I would assume he was wanting to meet you for all the wrong motives anyway....

Whichever you chose, make sure that you make the right decision for you and don't get pushed into something you aren't comfortable with.

Be safe, look after yourself

Thank you.

 

[the captians wench]

This point has been brought up to me in another website and it's a valid one. I agree that you can't tell just by looking at a man if he's a Dominant or not and that a man could be dominant without ever having defined himself as such.

But flirting in real life (as opposed to in the virtual world) is something I have been doing since I'm a teenager. I keep doing it and I'm not against meeting that way, not at all. But so far, I haven't found what I need there and this is the reason why I'm also looking at other avenues. Faith sometimes needs a little pat on the bottom. But my eyes are wide open for people I could meet in everyday life.

I agree with you, personnality is important. The first thing I'm looking for is a special connection with a man. I'm not searching for someone who's just a Dominant but for someone who will be a good macth for me, intellectually and sexually. But that being said, vanilla sex doesn't turn me on for very long. If my partner doesn't have a single Dom bone in him, I would be completely frustrated and grow up to be one day an old bitter woman. I'm 30, I had my first 3D D/S relationship about a year ago and it has been a bloody revelation! It was short, it didn't work for various reasons, but I want more of it!

But you're right, it's good to remember to not put too much emphasis on labels. What matters is how one feels with a partner when you come to think of it. Still though, if there's no spice under the vanilla, it's not very satysfying for me. My last lover was plain vanilla, very attentive, very skilled but I still had to think about D/S to have an orgasm in his company. That's when I told myself that it was getting a bit ridiculous and that aiming for what I want would be more useful than keep trying to make myself dig vanilla.

I'll keep your advice in mind though because, newbie as I am, I'm still a bit (or perhaps very) clueless about all of this.

As for the man I was discussing with, the Dominant one, I chose not to pursue the "relationship". The focus was on sex and sex only and I think this is the reason why I had so many reservations and felt that uncomfortable. Who I was as a person didn't seem to matter much so I said my goodbyes.

Well, enough ramblings!

Papillon

Sounds like you're really thinking things out and that's good.

By all means, don't settle for less than what you want. I don't think I could go back to a relationship that didn't have some sort of d/s exchange in it either. All I ment was not to shut out an opertunity just because you don't know that person as a bdsmer, but it sounds like you got that.

I kind of wondered if there wasn't some back ground reason for your hesitance with that relationship. A lot of times there's something else at the root but we either don't recognize it as the problem, or don't want to admit it. But I'm glad you realized things what you wanted and moved on. Happy hunting

 

[mcgill82ferret]

Hi papilllon

Well i see you have already made a decision. I can imagine that at least part of you is a little disapointed. I just wanted to add that i usually try to err on the side of caution and agree with most of the "listen to the voice inside" advice too.

I also had issues with the envelope info thing. One possible thing that could have happened is that if he was to con or trick you into doing something you would regret and not want made public, he might then insist that you retrieve the envelope. This way he would be able to retain the cloak of his identity. If his identity is known before hand he is less likely to be a person planing such devious events.

Although i am not recommending any of the places listed i thought you might like to have this link for various sites/activities/stores/ect in Montreal in case you don't already have it. I have been to some of the retail stores and liked them.

And good luck finding One to your liking. It is very much a chalange in this lifestyle.

 

[papilllon]

Hi papilllon

Well i see you have already made a decision. I can imagine that at least part of you is a little disapointed. I just wanted to add that i usually try to err on the side of caution and agree with most of the "listen to the voice inside" advice too.

I also had issues with the envelope info thing. One possible thing that could have happened is that if he was to con or trick you into doing something you would regret and not want made public, he might then insist that you retrieve the envelope. This way he would be able to retain the cloak of his identity. If his identity is known before hand he is less likely to be a person planing such devious events.

Although i am not recommending any of the places listed i thought you might like to have this link for various sites/activities/stores/ect in Montreal in case you don't already have it. I have been to some of the retail stores and liked them.

And good luck finding One to your liking. It is very much a chalange in this lifestyle.

Yes, I have said my goodbyes to this man. Besides the security concerns I had, what really bothered me was the fact that this relationship would have been a strictly sexual one. I want and need to give more than just my body and I want to share much more than sexual encounters.

I know about some groups and sites in Montréal (only french ones though) but the ones with personal ads have only been disappointing so far. It's always the same problem... I would like to know a man as a friend, before anything else happens, and that is rarely offered.

But I'm still happy. Life is good, the first snow is coming, I have good friends and many many dreams. And somehow, I think things will unfold as they should. All in good time.

 

[mcgill82ferret]

Hi again papilllon

And here is the link.

http://www.attitudes.ca/hotlinks.html#a4

Isn't anticipation a wonderful thing!
Sorry about that.

 

[papilllon]

Hi again papilllon

And here is the link.

http://www.attitudes.ca/hotlinks.html#a4

Isn't anticipation a wonderful thing!
Sorry about that.

Thanks, I'll look at it.