Inexperienced...but curious

[DVS]

You awe wetawded

Somebody left the gate from the general board open, again.

 

[molly113]

So, here it goes, my first newbie stupid question:

Are most Doms sadists? I mean, is the point of the relationship for him to inflict pain? I understand that there is a fine line between pain and pleasure (and I do always feel better after a good spanking) but the thought of someone enjoying putting me in immense pain does make me a little nervous.

Am I over thinking this?

M

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So, here it goes, my first newbie stupid question:

Are most Doms sadists? I mean, is the point of the relationship for him to inflict pain? I understand that there is a fine line between pain and pleasure (and I do always feel better after a good spanking) but the thought of someone enjoying putting me in immense pain does make me a little nervous.

Am I over thinking this?

M

Molly, that's not a stupid question at all, especially if you've run into too many of *my* posts, LOL!

The answer is simple: No. "Most" Dom/mes are not any one thing except that they identify as being dominant, particularly in their relationship(s) (romantic or not). They will run the gamut, from being focused on Bondage and Discipline (BD of BDSM), or focused on Dominance and submission (D/s of BDSM) (one controlling all or part of the relationship), to being focused on Sadism/masochism (the SM of BDSM), or - most frequently for Dominants of whatever gender - a combination of two or more of the three major aspects. Those who do identify primarily as Dominants will, of course, probably focus primarily on D/s aspects, with, potentially, some inclusion of the other aspects of BDSM.

As for the initial sentence in this post, if you *haven't* run into many of my posts, the humor (that at least *I* get from it) is that I identify as a Sadist with some (not much) inclusion of Domination and a little bit of Bondage, mostly so that I can enjoy my Sadism without too much squirming going on (though I like a little squirming, just to let me know that I'm being effective ).

 

[MBgirl]

Doms want control. Sometimes it is more of a mental game, than a physical game of pain, though pain may be used to punish or torture. Some of them are sadists, I'm sure, but not all of them. And subs want to be controlled. Keep that in mind, dear. I myself, love pain, but to be controlled mentally or be told what to do will never, ever happen. I will rarely speak the word sir (and no, I do not capitalize it either) Also, realize there is a huge difference between wanting bedroom D/s play or having a 24/7 D/s relationship.

 

[DVS]

So, here it goes, my first newbie stupid question:

Are most Doms sadists? I mean, is the point of the relationship for him to inflict pain? I understand that there is a fine line between pain and pleasure (and I do always feel better after a good spanking) but the thought of someone enjoying putting me in immense pain does make me a little nervous.

Am I over thinking this?

M

You are not over thinking this. Some doms do have a sadistic streak in them, but there are levels to everything. You have a level of pain you want to receive and there are doms who will also have levels of pain they enjoy inflicting. You will have to specify your level of pain tolerance and if you are very strict in not going over that level, make it a hard limit. If you feel secure with allowing that limit to be tested by someone, you could make it a soft limit. You should always have a safe word, if you feel something gets too extreme.

You might have to be more specific with what you mean by your limits of pain and you will also have to ask your prospective doms to be specific so there is nothing left to chance. You might like certain implements used on you and some not used. For instance, if you enjoy spanking, you might also enjoy some types of paddles but you might not enjoy the extreme of a cane. It's just one of the things you have to deal with your negotiations.

I'm sure you'll get more responses to this question, so don't just take my word for this. That's one of the things you should never do...take just one person's advice. All advice is usually from personal experience and we're all different.

(damn, you people are fast. When I started my post, there had been no replies!)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Doms want control. Sometimes it is more of a mental game, than a physical game of pain, though pain may be used to punish or torture. Some of them are sadists, I'm sure, but not all of them. And subs want to be controlled. Keep that in mind, dear. I myself, love pain, but to be controlled mentally or be told what to do will never, ever happen. I will rarely speak the word sir (and no, I do not capitalize it either) Also, realize there is a huge difference between wanting bedroom D/s play or having a 24/7 D/s relationship.

Then do you self-identify as a masochist rather than a submissive?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

(damn, you people are fast. When I started my post, there had been no replies!)

If you'd stop typing with an appendage, and use your hands for what the gods/desses of computerdom intended...

 

[DVS]

If you'd stop typing with an appendage, and use your hands for what the gods/desses of computerdom intended...

It's not that. Some people as such spelling and grammar Nazis that I have to choose my words well. These things take time!

 

[MBgirl]

Then do you self-identify as a masochist rather than a submissive?

I suppose I do. Trying to put a label on what I like has been a challenge and I stopped trying after many Doms became angry with me for not wanting to submit, even though I like pain. Masochist does ring truest with my turn ons. I like being forced to do things not told, as well as be spit on, called a whore, ect. Though part of the allure of pain for me, is dissociating myself from it, to evoke a reaction from a partner that I *didn't* react.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I suppose I do. Trying to put a label on what I like has been a challenge and I stopped trying after many Doms became angry with me for not wanting to submit, even though I like pain. Masochist does ring truest with my turn ons. I like being forced to do things not told, as well as be spit on, called a whore, ect. Though part of the allure of pain for me, is dissociating myself from it, to evoke a reaction from a partner that I *didn't* react.

We have a number of threads on labelling, and failures in labels.

If these "Doms" became angry because you didn't submit, if you indicated prior to scenes that you're masochistic and not submissive (sometimes called "painslut," though that's used in a pejorative sense rather more than it should be), they weren't "twue Doms!" Your dissociation from pain, refusing to react (visibly) to it, also falls into that milieu, and wanting to "evoke a reaction from a partner that I *didn't* react" kind of fits the SAMmy (Smart-Ass Masochist) description.

I'm a little confused about one phrase: "I like being forced to do things not told." Could you expand upon or explain this?

As far as enjoying being spit on, called a whore, etc., that's usually referred to as humiliation, and it occupies its own little niche in the pantheon of BDSM activities.

 

[MBgirl]

We have a number of threads on labelling, and failures in labels.

If these "Doms" became angry because you didn't submit, if you indicated prior to scenes that you're masochistic and not submissive (sometimes called "painslut," though that's used in a pejorative sense rather more than it should be), they weren't "twue Doms!" Your dissociation from pain, refusing to react (visibly) to it, also falls into that milieu, and wanting to "evoke a reaction from a partner that I *didn't* react" kind of fits the SAMmy (Smart-Ass Masochist) description.

I'm a little confused about one phrase: "I like being forced to do things not told." Could you expand upon or explain this?

As far as enjoying being spit on, called a whore, etc., that's usually referred to as humiliation, and it occupies its own little niche in the pantheon of BDSM activities.

The Doms I speak of I encountered on the swinger website hubby and I are on. Our profile mentions liking rough play and that hubby likes playing Dom, and describes me as liking rough play but that I'm not a sub. We encountered several Doms, who upon first conversation with them, tried demanding that I call them, send them my panties, ect. I don't think they were faking being Dom, they were just assholes. Assholes who told my husband that I was wrong in that I wouldn't submit. "If she wants this, she will call me today." My hubby told them off.

And I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but what I meant by "I like being forced to do things not told" was that no Dom can tell me to suck their cock, to fuck them, or to show my breasts off to the neighbor, but I will find pleasure in being forced to do any of those things.

And to the lovely Miss Molly, I hope I am not hijacking your thread. Hopefully our little discussion in your thread helps you realize that finding an identity within the BDSM world, will take time, and lots of trial and error. But if it intrigues you, read up on it, meet new people who are well versed and knowledgeable, and have fun opening your sexuality up to new things! My sex life has not been the same since meeting my hubby and having someone who will rough me up like I had only dreamed of!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I suppose I do. Trying to put a label on what I like has been a challenge and I stopped trying after many Doms became angry with me for not wanting to submit, even though I like pain. Masochist does ring truest with my turn ons. I like being forced to do things not told, as well as be spit on, called a whore, ect. Though part of the allure of pain for me, is dissociating myself from it, to evoke a reaction from a partner that I *didn't* react.

We have a number of threads on labelling, and failures in labels.

If these "Doms" became angry because you didn't submit, if you indicated prior to scenes that you're masochistic and not submissive (sometimes called "painslut," though that's used in a pejorative sense rather more than it should be), they weren't "twue Doms!" Your dissociation from pain, refusing to react (visibly) to it, also falls into that milieu, and wanting to "evoke a reaction from a partner that I *didn't* react" kind of fits the SAMmy (Smart-Ass Masochist) description.

I'm a little confused about one phrase: "I like being forced to do things not told." Could you expand upon or explain this?

As far as enjoying being spit on, called a whore, etc., that's usually referred to as humiliation, and it occupies its own little niche in the pantheon of BDSM activities.

The Doms I speak of I encountered on the swinger website hubby and I are on. Our profile mentions liking rough play and that hubby likes playing Dom, and describes me as liking rough play but that I'm not a sub. We encountered several Doms, who upon first conversation with them, tried demanding that I call them, send them my panties, ect. I don't think they were faking being Dom, they were just assholes. Assholes who told my husband that I was wrong in that I wouldn't submit. "If she wants this, she will call me today." My hubby told them off.

Okay, that explains a lot. I hate to say it, but a lot of swingers don't really understand the BDSM culture, and simply use some of its simpler terminology to try to explain themselves. From the point of view of people who have been in this (BDSM) culture for a lot of years (40+ in my case), these people aren't faking being dominant, but they are not Dominants. (BTW, that's where the "twue Dom" snark in my previous post came from. It's kind of an open inside joke around here about "twue" anythings in the culture.) Some of us consider that type of person to be domineering rather than Dominant, in the BDSM sense. I'm glad you and your husband didn't fall for their bullshit. (That IS what comes from assholes, right? )

And I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but what I meant by "I like being forced to do things, not told (to do them)" was that no Dom can tell me to suck their cock, to fuck them, or to show my breasts off to the neighbor, but I will find pleasure in being forced to do any of those things.

Aha! Okay, a comma (as inserted above) (even without the added parenthetical phrase) might have helped my understanding. I was terribly confused, though admittedly, had I not been rushing my response a little bit, I might well have figured it out. Sorry - that's a duh-me! Again, while there is some element of submission in that type of activity, *I* would say that it falls more into the humiliation category of activities.

And to the lovely Miss Molly, I hope I am not hijacking your thread. Hopefully our little discussion in your thread helps you realize that finding an identity within the BDSM world, will take time, and lots of trial and error. But if it intrigues you, read up on it, meet new people who are well versed and knowledgeable, and have fun opening your sexuality up to new things! My sex life has not been the same since meeting my hubby and having someone who will rough me up like I had only dreamed of!

Really, MBG, I wouldn't consider your posts here a hijack. Instead, they might, as you hoped, give Molly some insight into more of the possibilities of the BDSM culture and how to find her identity within it. Your contributions to the thread, in my opinion at least, have been pretty much on-topic or at the very least closely related to her original post.

Thank you for dropping into the forum and the thread, offering your experiences and insights, and being so polite as to hope to the original poster (OP) that you hadn't been rude and hijacked her thread.

Welcome - to you, your husband and to Molly! - to the BDSM Talk and Café fora, and may all your pixels shine!

 

[BiBunny]

Interesting; I find FetLife to be significantly less "mature" than Lit... Although, Lit is slower/less active than Fet.

Fet used to be ok (like 3 or 4 years ago), and then every dumbshit from CollarMe made their way over there and turned it into the same bottomless pit of stupidity that CollarMe is.

I don't go to any other "kinky" sites but Lit nowadays.

 

[molly113]

Thanks y'all. That does help. I enjoy being controlled, and get off knowing that when I obey a man, it pleases him. And, for me, it's not a question of my pain tolerance, but a distaste for men who would like to cause me harm, punishment or not. What I have thought of as a Dom (and I may be TOTALLY off base) is someone who feeds off that control, not enjoying causing harm and pain to others.

Perhaps im being totally naive...

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks y'all. That does help. I enjoy being controlled, and get off knowing that when I obey a man, it pleases him. And, for me, it's not a question of my pain tolerance, but a distaste for men who would like to cause me harm, punishment or not. What I have thought of as a Dom (and I may be TOTALLY off base) is someone who feeds off that control, not enjoying causing harm and pain to others.

Perhaps im being totally naive...

I dunno... The Men seem to "feed off" a combination of things. Influence, a degree of control, their mentoring position in my life, being catered to (they've come to really enjoy the service submissive thing lol), and fabulously dark sex (which often involves some degree of discomfort, bruising, etc). But overall, each relationship has a foundation of loving friendship and mutual respect; I would never cater to someone without it.

Oh, and there is no such thing as "punishment" in my world. If anyone screws up, we discuss it. (And yes, that means they are just as capable of screwing something up as I am. )

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thanks y'all. That does help. I enjoy being controlled, and get off knowing that when I obey a man, it pleases him. And, for me, it's not a question of my pain tolerance, but a distaste for men who would like to cause me harm, punishment or not. What I have thought of as a Dom (and I may be TOTALLY off base) is someone who feeds off that control, not enjoying causing harm and pain to others.

Perhaps im being totally naive...

You're not being "totally naive." The key to successful BDSM relationships is knowing (and/or learning) what you want and need from those relationships... just as it is the key to non-BDSM relationships.

Your third ("I enjoy....") and fifth sentences ("What I have thought....") sound like you might at least partially fit into what Stella might call a service submissive.

Re pain, harm, etc., and your "distaste for men who would like to cause me harm, punishment or not," and your previous comment about enjoying spankings (at least on occasion), can we deduce that you don't *object* to pain per se, but "harm?" In other words, you would tolerate, accept, or even welcome a good spanking, flogging, caning, if it didn't "harm" (create welts that lasted a couple of hours, or bruises that lasted a couple of days, or break the skin, etc.) you, but merely caused pain in the process of pleasing your PYL? Or would some or all of the postulated "harms" above be acceptable? These are things you need to consider and determine your feelings concerning them before you discuss a real-life relationship with a PYL, and negotiate them with him (or her).

Good luck. Keep asking questions - both of yourself and of us - and you'll be that many steps nearer achieving your goal(s)! And incidentally, by creating and continuing this thread, you very well may help others understand what they're looking for, and how to find it.

 

[molly113]

I can stand some pain and do welcome a good spanking. I understand that line between pain and pleasure, but I don't want someone to beat the shit out of me bc it's fun. That's not ok. From what I've gathered, this type of relationship is based on trust and respect and I don't think I could trust someone who likes to do that. I suppose I am a "service submissive" (whatever that is) in that I aim to please, and love to surrender myself completely to another because it brings him joy and me great satisfaction. I honestly don't know if I'm even making sense. Sometimes it feels like as soon as I get answers, my mind just thinks of more questions and I get more confused

 

[Evil_Geoff]

*raises hand* Sadist here rather than a "Dominant" per se, though I do love being in control. And I'm a pretty decent human being most of the time. Sir Winston pretty much covered the stuff I would say so I'm not going to repeat.

Your profile indicates you are in "the south". but it doesn't indicate south what... For all we know that could be "south Jersey".

But on the assumption that you are referring to the geographical region of the US that is commonly called "The South", you have a HUGE kink/BDSM/Leather community that you can become involved with. There are education, support and social groups where you can learn about the physical activities that turn you on and the mental aspects that get your motor running. And most them will be in locations and with people that will have absolutely no expectation of a newcomer other than an open mind and common courtesy and respect when dealing with others.

It has gotten to the point where you can find something along the lines of 20 or so groups in Metro Atlanta alone. Most big cities have several groups, medium size cities often have one or two and even a lot of the small towns have active groups.

You are not alone.

I have a huge number of contacts throughout the south From Ft. Lauderdale to Baltimore, from Wilmington, NC to Austin, TX, there are people that I trust and value, and I would be happy to point you in the right direction for contacting people in your local area.

Safe journeys, and welcome to Lit.

 

[waaitg]

Dearest OP. I learned a lotttt mor on Fetlife than I did here. I like the lit forums, but I find fetlife in general to be more mature. I recommend checking it out.
Ladybug

Interesting; I find FetLife to be significantly less "mature" than Lit... Although, Lit is slower/less active than Fet.

Every web site has information on it. Part of what we do as individuals is make our own decisions after seeking out what is available. The glory of the digital age is that information has never been as available as it is now. The problem is that there is a lot of bad information, and also the age old problem of idiots spouting off nonsense as gospel. All the OP can do is look around, read, and make up her own mind based upon what makes the most sense to her.

Feel free to ask questions, not just here but anywhere, and then double check the information to see if it is consistent with everything else you have learned.

All the best to you in your endeavors and search.

W~