Interact 2 “the mind of annaswirls”

[twelveoone]

yes, the wagon is back -- I have been working on this fucker on and off this whole time,

and damn if I know anything about line breaks. I was hoping someone would teach me how to do them. I am clueless.

I got some lessons from the master of line breaks, but he gave me only a vague lesson, wax on wax off and the like.

was it Art?
he's been doing alot of waxing lately.

 

[twelveoone]

Re: Just like Venice

I made this revision (okay anna did it but is too lazy to sign on to post) I figured I should post it here, kind of as a conclusion. Thanks again for the suggestions, this was a really positive experience overall.


Just like Venice


pulling a red wagon down back alleys,
I look for a metaphor
as if hidden or stuck--
twisted hangers required for extraction.

I find myself begging for parcels of Europe
in back yards of Baltimore townhouses.

a striped umbrella becomes a gondolier's shirt,
wrought iron table and chairs
become an outdoor cafe
with chocolate for breakfast
and coffee to die for
wait... I think that was Venice too

maybe this alley should not be Europe,
just Venice, with canals of mucky gutter water
drained from sump pumps, back yard car washes,
vinyl pools. It all streams down

the sloped alley, washing over
amber and jade glass from tuesday’s recycling truck,
fallen and tire-pressed into a summer soft tar mosaic.

but this counts for nothing
no clever literary trickery
no sleeveless magic.

tonight metaphor has become calculus.
poetry should not require differential equations
or the knowledge of greek symbols,

or should it?

still all I want to do
is recite elementary patterns
love me
loved me
loves me not

upping the odds on the daisy wheel probability

and count empty phrases
as they fall into the ditch,

just like Venice.

Just like Venice
by annaswirls ©
~

pulling a red wagon down the back alleys
looking for a metaphor
as if hidden somewhere
requiring twisted hangers for extraction

find myself begging for parcels of Europe
in back yards of Baltimore townhouses

striped umbrella becomes a gondolier's shirt
and wrought iron table and chairs
become outdoor breakfast cafe
with chocolate spread on toast
coffee to die for
wait...
I think that was Venice too

maybe this alley is not Europe just Venice
mucky gutter water running down the middle
from someones sump pump or draining vinyl pool
it runs constantly

this stream down the depression over colored glass
fallen from recycling truck
pressed into a summer soft tar mosaic

but this counts for nothing
no clever literary trickery
no sleeveless magic

tonight metaphor has become calculus

poetry should not require differential equations
or the knowledge of greek symbols

or should it?

cut you a deal
I will give you algebra II maybe
trigonometry

but just know this
tonight all I want to do

recite elementary patterns
love me
love me
love me not

upping the odds on the daisy wheel probability

or just count
count the stars in the summer sky,
falling without a sound

the days until you come home
and the number of cliches
that fall from my mind
into the ditch

just like Venice

as a side by side, newest in bold.

 

[twelveoone]

some comments, suggestions, and questions.
Italics are an improvement

amber and jade glass from tuesday’s recycling truck,

this stream down the depression over colored glass

here you have glass pressed into a "summer soft tar mosaic."
I feel here you have two choices:
1.)take out glass after amber and jade
2.)take out amber and jade and leave colored in.
either or, you are inviting the reader to create with you something precious from the ordinary, and then limiting the choices. Glass would cheapen the amber and jade, which goes with mosaic, or the inclusion of these colors implies the exclusion of others, will limit the choices of glass(colours) for the mosaic.

If you feel the need for more colour, stick back "brick(without red)" in front of the townhouses.

no sleeveless magic appears in both; cut you a deal is dropped, I think it works well with "sleeveless".

 

[twelveoone]

tonight metaphor has become calculus

poetry should not require differential equations
or the knowledge of greek symbols

or should it?

cut you a deal
I will give you algebra II maybe
trigonometry

but just know this
tonight all I want to do

recite elementary patterns
love me
love me
love me not

upping the odds on the daisy wheel probability

or just count
count the stars in the summer sky,
falling without a sound

the days until you come home
and the number of cliches
that fall from my mind
into the ditch

most of this is dropped replaced with:

still all I want to do
still all I want to do
is recite elementary patterns
love me
loved me
loves me not

upping the odds on the daisy wheel probability

and count empty phrases
as they fall into the ditch,

just like Venice.


I do not like the idea of you counting "empty phrases" but rather enjoy the idea of cliches falling from your mind into a ditch.

Also, think about this; most readers will not care about a poem about a poet struggling to write poetry, but rather would like to be invited into the mind of a young woman writing about longing, wistfullness, etc. The first is what you care about, the second is what everybody cares about, and as a rule you do it so well.
Some internal questions, what triggered these thoughts, where were you in your mind as you were thinking?
I get the feeling as this was happening you were revisting various ages of yourself, this is of interest.

I would leave the original, I would ask the grammerians for a little help with some of it, and I would also add a little as to the trigger of this thought stream.
For what it is worth.

 

[Maria2394]

I just discovered something wonderful yesterday, while peeking in on Anna's site, Mannequin Envy. Now she might just kill me for telling this publicly, but I judt dont care, its too good not to share.

Annaswirls has been nominated for a Pushcart. Yes, thats right, a very VERY important type of nomination. Wish her well, this is something most serious poets only dream about.

Congrats Anna, hope you get the big one!!

 

[annaswirls]

I just discovered something wonderful yesterday, while peeking in on Anna's site, Mannequin Envy. Now she might just kill me for telling this publicly, but I judt dont care, its too good not to share.

Annaswirls has been nominated for a Pushcart. Yes, thats right, a very VERY important type of nomination. Wish her well, this is something most serious poets only dream about.

Congrats Anna, hope you get the big one!!

the big one, dang I was in a state of shock getting the nomination. Thank you Maria, there will be no killing