Is it the Search or the Destination

[Shadowsdream]

Interestingly, he popped up on my messenger recently and began listing my admirable and superior (his words) qualities as a slave. He is still looking for his fantasy and suggested he should come visit us as I was the best slave he had met to date!! Mmmmmm, well I am sure Master would jump at the chance to share me with someone so blatently lost, not! Maybe this guy thought he could play Dominant on Master's off days thus giving him a break from the burden of keeping me busy. LOL.

Catalina

Hey! Stop making Me laugh damn it!

The addicted searchers always pop up again somewhere in the future...
Because of the addiction they can never find the real magic they search for because the magic *IS* the search.
Like an itch that when scratched simply moves to a new location. The desired scratching actually becomes an irritant!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hey! Stop making Me laugh damn it!

The addicted searchers always pop up again somewhere in the future...
Because of the addiction they can never find the real magic they search for because the magic *IS* the search.
Like an itch that when scratched simply moves to a new location. The desired scratching actually becomes an irritant!

LOL...so true. Well he can go scratch his itch elsewhere.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

I also am not convinced it is a game that they play as much as not really being in touch with what they want.
I have often seen fear raise its ugly head when the Dominants or submissives in question finally get what they have been thinking they crave.
I suppose the final insult would be when the ~~beast in question~~ blames the failure on the one who accepted them and their offer of reality.

This is a very common phenonmen unfortunately.

Not knowing what they want OR how to get what they want.....

 

[Shadowsdream]

Not knowing what they want OR how to get what they want.....

I believe that once they realize and admit to themselves that they are getting what they want...D/s corpses and notches on the BDSM belt...they also will begin to see how unattractive they have become.
In reality...whether online or in real time...this D/s community is much smaller than many may imagine.
Belt notching is not always a negative...it becomes a positive when two belts are being notched simutaneously and both sides of the whip are satisfied with the moving on without moving forward scenerio.

 

[MissTaken]

Okay, I think I may have misunderstood where you were going with this, Shadowsdream. Apologies.



I was personalizing some of the discussion to the degree to which I have had just a bit more than two years on line and real time in my search. As such, without knotching a belt, I unfortunately made a number of mistakes and have had a number of failed attempts at finding what I want.

As for me, I have little respect for those with contact lists of 20 subs or Doms and who are always looking for more if they are not meeting the needs of those that they have become involved with.

Having met some of these people, it is like a tease.
Chat on the computer.
Chat on the phone.
Feel your heart pitter pat.
Plan a meeting.
Meet.
Get that sense that something isn't how it is presented. Given that I have always been honest in my search for one, the One or that One Special Person, I wouldn't meet someone who didn't feel the same way.
Or not meet and be teased for months to expect to get together only to find that he is working the field and even possibly meeting others, giving them the same empty words as he gives me.

I am not sure which is worse, meeting or not, t that has been my experience with the "collectors."

 

[Shadowsdream]

Okay, I think I may have misunderstood where you were going with this, Shadowsdream. Apologies.



I was personalizing some of the discussion to the degree to which I have had just a bit more than two years on line and real time in my search. As such, without knotching a belt, I unfortunately made a number of mistakes and have had a number of failed attempts at finding what I want.

As for me, I have little respect for those with contact lists of 20 subs or Doms and who are always looking for more if they are not meeting the needs of those that they have become involved with.

Having met some of these people, it is like a tease.
Chat on the computer.
Chat on the phone.
Feel your heart pitter pat.
Plan a meeting.
Meet.
Get that sense that something isn't how it is presented. Given that I have always been honest in my search for one, the One or that One Special Person, I wouldn't meet someone who didn't feel the same way.
Or not meet and be teased for months to expect to get together only to find that he is working the field and even possibly meeting others, giving them the same empty words as he gives me.

I am not sure which is worse, meeting or not, t that has been my experience with the "collectors."

Thank you Miss T for articulating this side of the conversation as well.

Unfortunately the belt notchers are very good at wasting the time of those who do really crave and need the reality of a mutual long term BDSM relationship...and equally unfortunately the often love/caring and desire hits the one that believes the words they are fed.

Each time I watch it occur anew I am reminded of a long time trainee of Mine..who found his magic about every 4 months...always one on the hook and one in the wings plus several trying to ressurrect a D/s relationship he had encouraged up to the door of 24/7 and then fallen back claiming he was not good enough or deserving enough.
In three years I have watched him *in love* with a minimum of 7 Dominant Woman...and either walk away when they accepted him or drained them with his sulking....
This is one example of a man addicted to the search..and afraid of the journey.

I am sure there are many examples that all can find hidden in their online history...

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Shadowsdream]

I don't think this is isolated to the BDSM community. I think perhaps it is more of an online phenomena and happens in the vanilla world as well (spoken from personal experience).

My way of dealing with this is to no longer take online interactions seriously until there is a solid indication that it will prorgress to offline. If someone is local and isn't interested in meeting in the first two weeks, I write him off as a player. If it's long distance and goes on like this longer than a month, I feel the same way.

And even with that, there's no way to ensure that someone isn't telling tales about themself or is stuck in that fantasy world that seems to proliferate like a nasty bacterial infection on the internet.

I met one man who lived clear across the country and within two weeks had made plane reservations to meet me. I told him before he came that even if things didn't work out (which they didn't) I wanted him to know how much I respected that he was a man of action (which still holds true).

Earlier this year I had one man string me on for a couple of months and by the time I realised what was going on, I was already emotionally attached. I now think he's a complete ass, but am grateful to him for the lesson.

Thank you, ShadowsDream, for this discussion.

My pleasure and thank you for adding so much to the conversation...No it is not only an online attitude but the easy access to online and the thrill of spending *quantity* time at all hours of the night and day speeds up the degree of attachment for those sincerely looking to be attached.

I like your thinking with how much time you place between *put up or shut up* Even though it is so often cautioned to go verrrry slowly...the verrrrrrry slowly can also become a never show!

Even in real time (as with the trainee above) the journey was in the search and not in the destination. The only broken heart left behind is his own as slowly he is running out of Dominants to listen to his unquenched thirst for 24/7.

There is always a price to pay for never moving past search mode..and that price may not even be seen for years.

 

[hurtme]

I don't deny the fact that I want bliss. I have been in a lot of relationships...and they were...nice, but I don't want nice. Even if it is a fantasy, because I am young, and I read to many books...I want a relationship where I am completely and utterly in love with that person, as much as they are with me, where I wake up just happy to be alive and with them...and where that feel actually lasts. I think I am a bit jaded and cynical though, cause I have never seen that happen in r/l, and in fact, there is a large part of me that is pretty convinced it doesn't really happen, or last...but it is kind of like believing in Santa Claus (which I did for years and years, long after every one else stopped) I refuse to give up the search though, the more I try, online or in r/l...yes the more I can get hurt, but I am clensed through pain and I have learned so many things because of it. Now when it comes to online relationships I am honest, I am nice...but I am detached until there is sufficent reason for me not to be detached. And I take no undying declarations of love at face value. If we have only been talking for a week (even if it was ten hours a day) and you tell me you are in love with me, or you want to come visit me...I am out...I don't want to be a booty call, and I don't want someone who can fall in love so easily, cause that means IMHO they can fall out of love that easily as well...

 

[Shadowsdream]

I don't deny the fact that I want bliss. I have been in a lot of relationships...and they were...nice, but I don't want nice. Even if it is a fantasy, because I am young, and I read to many books...I want a relationship where I am completely and utterly in love with that person, as much as they are with me, where I wake up just happy to be alive and with them...and where that feel actually lasts. I think I am a bit jaded and cynical though, cause I have never seen that happen in r/l, and in fact, there is a large part of me that is pretty convinced it doesn't really happen, or last...but it is kind of like believing in Santa Claus (which I did for years and years, long after every one else stopped) I refuse to give up the search though, the more I try, online or in r/l...yes the more I can get hurt, but I am clensed through pain and I have learned so many things because of it. Now when it comes to online relationships I am honest, I am nice...but I am detached until there is sufficent reason for me not to be detached. And I take no undying declarations of love at face value. If we have only been talking for a week (even if it was ten hours a day) and you tell me you are in love with me, or you want to come visit me...I am out...I don't want to be a booty call, and I don't want someone who can fall in love so easily, cause that means IMHO they can fall out of love that easily as well...

Very well put..declarations of love that come to easily or too quickly are not a compliment but often an insult to the intellect.
Don't get Me wrong...I know that love at first sight happens and can last a lifetime.

Settling for less than the magic, sparks, agony and ecstacy seems to Me like devaluing O/ones own needs.

Pain comes in many colours from the lightest hues of pinks to the devasting crimson tears! Without pain somewhere in O/ones history the depth of emotions that slide up and down the scale of life leaves O/one wondering what they may be missing.

 

[hurtme]

I agree completey...if you haven't felt pain, you might as well walk away as far as I am concerned, because you just won't understand the extacy of pleasure...just like if I can love some one desperately, passionately, and so forth, there have to be times where I can hate them with equal passion, if I didn't, how exactly would I know how much they mean to me?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank you Miss T for articulating this side of the conversation as well.

Unfortunately the belt notchers are very good at wasting the time of those who do really crave and need the reality of a mutual long term BDSM relationship...and equally unfortunately the often love/caring and desire hits the one that believes the words they are fed....

This sounds more and more like my situation, all the time.

He was the first Dom I met online, or in my life for that matter. In fact, I had no idea what being a dominant or a submissive was until I met Him.

I wasn't looking for Him or anything remotely like Him or this. Believe it or not, we were playing backgammon.

And although I said meeting Him in real life was the worst thing that could have happened to me, I have a feeling that sometime down the road, I will change that way of thinking. Sometime, maybe I will be glad it happened.

 

[Shadowsdream]

This sounds more and more like my situation, all the time.

He was the first Dom I met online, or in my life for that matter. In fact, I had no idea what being a dominant or a submissive was until I met Him.

I wasn't looking for Him or anything remotely like Him or this. Believe it or not, we were playing backgammon.

And although I said meeting Him in real life was the worst thing that could have happened to me, I have a feeling that sometime down the road, I will change that way of thinking. Sometime, maybe I will be glad it happened.

you know something little one?

I have no doubt one day you are going to wake up ~~smiling~~ with the memories you have created in this relationship.

When the raw pain begins to lessen and your feet firmly feel the ground beneath you your eyes will sparkle and you will take your mind/emotions and fantasies back to the incredible moments that you shared.

you have been on a journey that has taught you much about yourself. you have remained true to your self and come out of it as an intact class act...

I an sad for where you find yourself today but that does not lessen My belief in the fact you will one day be telling Me that your magic holds your heart!

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank you, Ma'am.

I have always held you in the highest regard and been able to turn to you when I needed help seeing. Your words humble me.

 

[MissTaken]

And although I said meeting Him in real life was the worst thing that could have happened to me, I have a feeling that sometime down the road, I will change that way of thinking. Sometime, maybe I will be glad it happened.

I hope so, ADR.
I can tell you from experience that those mistakes I made that left me feeling raw and torn are now vital pieces of my make up. I am grateful for the experiences I shared with those for whom I wasn't meant to share my life with. I learned and grew with each experience and perhaps someday, you can look at this relationship as how you put your toe in the pool of water to find that it was just warm enough.

*hugs*