Is this what online D/s relationship is all about??

[Etoile]

I think you should make it clear to any potential Doms that you do not want them interfering in your family life. There are a lot of guys who are just interested in cyber domination, and they are more than happy to leave you alone the rest of the time. When you are talking to somebody to see if you want to develop a relationship with them, you should say "I can't be with somebody who will give me rules about my family. If you are going to tell me how to interact with my family (husband, daughter) then we cannot be a good match." Plenty of cyber doms will be quite happy to just dom you while you are on the computer together, which it sounds like is what you want, rather than an actual BDSM relationship.

 

[Little_Kitten]

I just think you should be honest with you husband, and tell him what's going on. Why can't he be your dom? Have you talked about the lifestyle with him before?
I feel kinda sorry for you husband, so I think you should just talk to him, and if he can't dom you, explain to him that submissive is part of who you are(well if it is), and maybe have his consent to you serving other doms. Online or in real life. Whatever.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

you should say "I can't be with somebody who will give me rules about my family. If you are going to tell me how to interact with my family (husband, daughter) then we cannot be a good match." Plenty of cyber doms will be quite happy to just dom you while you are on the computer together, which it sounds like is what you want, rather than an actual BDSM relationship.

Yea, i think you are right. I can't be with someone who would give me rules about my family.

 

[SubKekiLee]

You are sub?

When you took his collar sweetie you agreed to a lifestyle of him telling you when, where , what and how. A true Sub knows this, but I will admit to you that C O M M U N I C A T I O N is key.. You should have decided where your limits are and a REAL dom would know where those limits begin and end for you.... Communicate to him or you might want to seek out a different dom, it depends on chemistry to have the prefect D/s relationship I know this..

 

[Literotti]

Re: Is this what an online D/s relationship is all about?

Sometimes we forget that D/s is consensual, and that no one need be forced into something that goes against their nature.

Here are a few things to consider:

1. This online relationship is very new, and the online D/s is also very new to you. It is therefore unrealistic of this person who you call your Dom to demand that you change your life, especially if it goes against your nature.

2. Some people often forget this D/s is consensual, and if you are not collared to this man, you really owe him nothing; and you are certainly free to object or leave at will.

3. It takes time to build trust with someone, even if it is not a D/s relationship. I believe the trust is essential, but trust does take time to develop. If a Dom is not willing to try to build trust over time, then I would run like hell in the opposite direction.

4. You and he may not even be the correct match. Doms, as well as subs, do have certain wants and needs. And if they are not met, then the relationship is doomed to failure.

Others here have provided some very good advice, but only you have the right to decide what applies to you and what doesn't.

I do wish you well.

Philip

 

[Etoile]

When you took his collar sweetie you agreed to a lifestyle of him telling you when, where , what and how. A true Sub knows this, but I will admit to you that C O M M U N I C A T I O N is key.. You should have decided where your limits are and a REAL dom would know where those limits begin and end for you.... Communicate to him or you might want to seek out a different dom, it depends on chemistry to have the prefect D/s relationship I know this..

This post just makes me cringe. The idea that a "true sub" or "real dom" exists is plain silly when you consider the variety that exists in our community. Yes, she should have made it clear what her limits are - that's what I suggested she do up front next time. But not knowing to establish her limits was the result of inexperience, not stupidity or being a "fake sub."

 

[SubKekiLee]

This post just makes me cringe. The idea that a "true sub" or "real dom" exists is plain silly when you consider the variety that exists in our community. Yes, she should have made it clear what her limits are - that's what I suggested she do up front next time. But not knowing to establish her limits was the result of inexperience, not stupidity or being a "fake sub."

First off I wasnt meaning she was "fake" My main thought process was about communication.. and to have the perfect D/s relationship is hard to describe. I think it takes alot of work and some wrong actions and right ones. I am sorry if Offended it was MY opinion....

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well wasn't even going to get into the problems associated with being married, and not telling your husband about your "Dom".

That gives a new set of problems. After all, every D/s relationship should be negotiated especially if there are areas of your life that must be off limits.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

thanks for your opinions peeps

I am not a fake sub no.... inexperienced - yes, fake - no.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I had to read this thread over again to remeber why I have left my first Dom. Somehow I thought he saw this thread about me leaving him months ago, but guess he didnt...... Well R. now you know. All my reasons are writen in the OP of this thread. I am sorry, but we didnt mesh well. You wanted things I couldnt provide, unreal things for a married woman I was that moment in time.

I am sorry... :/

 

[coyone]

Ummmm...doing things you don't want to do sometimes is part of a D/s relationship. If you only do what YOU want to do, how is he the Dom?

ha! I was thinking the VERY same thing...

To add to it as others have also pointed out, easy come easy go really.

 

[HottieMama]

ha! I was thinking the VERY same thing...

To add to it as others have also pointed out, easy come easy go really.

OMG GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ARE YOU?>?????????????????????

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

ha! I was thinking the VERY same thing...

To add to it as others have also pointed out, easy come easy go really.

I am doing what I am told, but tell me I can have sex with my husband just 3x per week was just idiotic LOL. One can do what the Dom wants, but you still gotta use ya head as well at times, especialy when you are in real relationship as well while this online one and I was that time.

 

[Etoile]

I am doing what I am told, but tell me I can have sex with my husband just 3x per week was just idiotic LOL. One can do what the Dom wants, but you still gotta use ya head as well at times, especialy when you are in real relationship as well while this online one and I was that time.

So wait, you were told to limit sex with your husband to 3x/week and you're not? Does your Dom know this? It sounds to me like you're circumventing his rules because it suits you to do that.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

So wait, you were told to limit sex with your husband to 3x/week and you're not? Does your Dom know this? It sounds to me like you're circumventing his rules because it suits you to do that.

~sigh~

Yes, 6 or 7 months ago I was told to limit sex with my husband to 3x/week and NO I did not do it and would never do it for anyone even if he was million times my Dom. With obeying this totaly fucked up order I would do just one thing - send my husband right into arms of someone else cuz thats exactely what he would do. When you go to the bar and its closed you think my man waiting for it to open?? Hell no, he going elsewhere! and I was not willing to give him any damn reason to do that yes, not even cuz of my Dom. I wouldnt do that for anyone.

Not like it helpled cuz he did it anyways, nvm...

Does that make me a crap sub? I dont think so. I was taken woman, divorced but living with my man as we were married so I was limited in WHAT I was able to do for my Dom. If he asked me for the checklist he would know I would never let him get between me and my man, ever. I think ruin relationship for something online is just stupid and however I liked that Dom - me and him was just online buddies. I would never ever meet him IRL while I was with my husband and yet he wanted control over things that could have efect relationship with my husband. No way I would obey such a order. Not before with my ex Dom and not now with my curent Dom either. The thing is my curent Sir would never order me something so fucked up while I was living as a married woman.

If there is a married submissive in online relationship who would obey such a order? - well good luck then I would say. I was not that silly to do so.

You know this quote? “Don’t risk anything you aren’t willing to lose.” And I was not, I was not willing to lose my husband. For anything and anyone. Not like it helped, but you asked a question so I am answearing.

I didnt find me an online Dominant to ruin the relationship with my husband. I found me a Dominant to help me understand my submissive side which I started exploring few months ago. I didnt need a control freak who would ruin what I cherished so dearly. I loved my man very much and eventho he wasnt Dominant I was there to serve him anytime he wanted, asked or needed me to. He wanted sex? You can be sure he get what he needed, anytime, I dunno different. He was man I lived with and I am treated him that way. I had an online Dom to keep my submissive needs sated, but he didnt own me, my husband did, it just couldnt be different really. At least not with the way I see relationships.

I wasnt demanding anything on my Dom and I didnt try to do just what I like and what I want like some of you here might think. I had my limits and I expected those to be respected. He didnt respect my limits and my husband so I left him for someone who does, for my curent Master.

If I told my man I wont have sex with him cuz my Dom ordered me to not to, he would just tell me well go fuck your Master then! IRL I might do that if it was worth it and if I knew I could become the Dom's partner IRL as well, but do it for an online person who I will most likely never see IRL no, I wouldnt.

I loved my man, but I needed this. I needed BDSM in my life and since my hubby wasnt into this much I have found me at least this online outlet. I didnt have a need to go out and fuck other men who would use me the way I needed to be used and dominated, I was okay with the online Dom and with what I could get from it online. I couldnt do this IRL, to have a husband and a Dom as well. I couldnt cuz I would feel like I am cheating my husband if I let my Dom touch me and however some of you here say this online D/s was still cheating I still dissagree with it. For some it might be cheating - well for me it wasnt and its not.

I did chat with my Dom - my husband did chat with chicks. We both swaped pics etc and I was okay with it as long as I knew its just "online" stuff. No touching was allowed. Thats a cheating for me then. I dont give a damn if my man cyber with online girls and I know he did, he even showed me naked pics of them and was okay with it, but once he start doing it IRL as well I was done with him very fast. I am simple and I am not into poly relationship's at all. I dont mind what he did online, but IRL no no. No way how I would tolerate this IRL. I dunno share a man I love, guess I am a selfish fuck and when I hear someone saying theres a lot of love to spread in human's heart or something about a cock that just wont decrease if other women fuck it I am going insane and feel like I wanna puke.

Anyone can share what he want I dont give a damn, but not if I am involved in that relationship. I am possesive and man I expect man I call mine to be mine, simple as that. And I dont think its demanding or anything like that. Its the way I am, respect it and stay or fuck others and GO! I wont compromise myself and I didnt, not even for a man I loved and was with for the last 15 years. We have split few times, but you can be sure that when I was with him I was just his, always. I never cheated him and never had other man while I was with him. All I wanted was the very same treating back.

But you know what? The saying "Treat others as you want them to treat you" does not always work. You can be nice to someone and they will still treat yo back like shit. Its just up to you if you will allow that or not. I did not allow my first Dom to get between me and my husband and I did not allow my man to fuck other women either, they both had to go.

I respect people, but I do expect to be respected right back. When I started my relationship with my curent Dom we spoke alot and he understand my family and my husband comes on the first place, always. And they was, same as the family of my Dominant. I knew where my place is and he he knew where his place is. He would never ask me to refuse to give myself to my husband, actualy he wanted me to serve my husband as I would serve him. In many ways he made the relationship with my husband better and nicer, but as I said, some people are just hard to please. Sadly my ex husband is one of them, so we have split anyways.

So, thats enough to explain how it was with me not obeying an direct order. I do not obey fucked up orders, ever.

As for me and my Dominant right now I would obey him if he told me I can or cant fuck someone. I would cuz now I am free to do that. Be a wife and treat ya man like its up to you when you'll have sex or not is just stupid. Now when I am sinlge I can do much more for my Dom and I must say I enjoy that alot. Before it was me, my hubby, my lil girl and my Dom and I had to try hard to keep them all satisfied and split the time between all of them wisely. Its much easier right now cuz its just my Dom and my lil girl between who I split my free time. In few weeks my second child will born and I will be busy. I will still be there for my Master as much as possible, but again, my kids comes first. I have to be a mum, then and only then I can be a sub and I am gratefull my Master understands.


ETA:

I think you should make it clear to any potential Doms that you do not want them interfering in your family life. There are a lot of guys who are just interested in cyber domination, and they are more than happy to leave you alone the rest of the time. When you are talking to somebody to see if you want to develop a relationship with them, you should say "I can't be with somebody who will give me rules about my family. If you are going to tell me how to interact with my family (husband, daughter) then we cannot be a good match." Plenty of cyber doms will be quite happy to just dom you while you are on the computer together, which it sounds like is what you want, rather than an actual BDSM relationship.

Thats very well said and I did that with my curent Dominant. I told him I wont let him get between me and my man, he even didnt want to by himself. He told me on the very begining that the family comes first, his and mine as well. I am glad we could agree on this. We made rules we both respect and agree with and thats why our relationship works so well.

 

[coyone]

OMG GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ARE YOU?>?????????????????????

hehehehe we're hijacking the thread for a sec....


Missed you too!!!!!!! I'm fantastic!!!!!!!!

 

[FurryFury]

Denying my husband isn't and never has been on the table as a possibility for someone else to tell me to do, period.

OTOH, I was told no anal sex until I was allowed. I told my husband that. He was cool with it. I was under instructions to "defend most vigorously" something I know my husband would enjoy regardless of the outcome. I have no doubt what he could make the outcome be either. He's a very strong man and I lurve me some anal but anyway . . .

I totally understand why one wouldn't follow such an order. I tell those few I've spent time with up front that I won't let anything we do negatively affect my relationship with my husband. So far, no one has had any problem with that.

In fact, often they've enhanced my relationship in various wonderful ways!

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Denying my husband isn't and never has been on the table as a possibility for someone else to tell me to do, period.

OTOH, I was told no anal sex until I was allowed. I told my husband that. He was cool with it. I was under instructions to "defend most vigorously" something I know my husband would enjoy regardless of the outcome. I have no doubt what he could make the outcome be either. He's a very strong man and I lurve me some anal but anyway . . .

I totally understand why one wouldn't follow such an order. I tell those few I've spent time with up front that I won't let anything we do negatively affect my relationship with my husband. So far, no one has had any problem with that.

In fact, often they've enhanced my relationship in various wonderful ways!

Thank you for this post Furry, glad someone understand.

I dont think priority of a Dom who dominate married woman is to ruin the relationship she has with her husband. I would have no prob if my Dom told me I cannot do an anal with him like yours Dom told you, but refuse to give him the sex at all or the blow jobs? No, I wouldnt do that. I would get into probs and agruing with my husband then and honestly I dont see the point what would be so pleasing for my Dom to push me into something like this??

D/s with a single or married women are probably two very different things. Once you are married and doing this I think theres a line that just must be respected by the Dominant cuz he enters into relationship with someone whos already owned and he should expect she will do what have to be done, be someones wife on a first place. At least thats how I see it.

I know theres a lot of dominants who are not willing to enter into relationship with married or anyhow taken woman and maybe its smart cuz I was very limited in what I could do, so I couldnt possibly satisfy a Dom who wanted power over area of my life like my relationship with my hubby for example, power I just couldnt and wouldnt give to him.

 

[Etoile]

What I meant was that if you outright defy an order without discussion, and you just decide "this order doesn't suit me," that's not appropriate. If you tell the dom "look, my marriage comes first, I can't follow that" and work it out, that's something else. But if you just ignore it, how is that being a good sub, if you just blow it off? All I'm saying is that if you don't talk to the dom about it, then you're defying rules. If you talk about it, by all means, it counts.

 

[intothewoods]

What I meant was that if you outright defy an order without discussion, and you just decide "this order doesn't suit me," that's not appropriate. If you tell the dom "look, my marriage comes first, I can't follow that" and work it out, that's something else. But if you just ignore it, how is that being a good sub, if you just blow it off? All I'm saying is that if you don't talk to the dom about it, then you're defying rules. If you talk about it, by all means, it counts.

I think this goes for any relationship, really. If you just blow off a "request" or feeling of your spouse, or order made by your Dom, you're doing your relationship a disservice.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

What I meant was that if you outright defy an order without discussion, and you just decide "this order doesn't suit me," that's not appropriate. If you tell the dom "look, my marriage comes first, I can't follow that" and work it out, that's something else. But if you just ignore it, how is that being a good sub, if you just blow it off? All I'm saying is that if you don't talk to the dom about it, then you're defying rules. If you talk about it, by all means, it counts.

Yes what I did was wrong you are right. I should have talk it out with him, or at least give it a try and I didnt yes. I spoke with him 2 days ago after 6 months or so and I felt really bad about the way I treated him. I felt I owe him an appology which I gave him.

I did many mistakes on the begining, I can do much better now tho. I would never dare to disobey an direct order from my current Master, but then again he would never give me an unrealistic orders as the first Dom of mine did.

 

[msteel4u]

I ran across this thread and found it both interesting and amusing. I have so many thoughts in my head right now, that finding the proper way to express them in some sort of logical order is tough.

In my opinion, the issues here are the responsibility of the Dom to avoid. You can't look to the submissive to direct the relationship. I've been in both r/l relationships and on-line (virtual) relationships. I've turned to the on-line world because of the difficulty r/l presents when it comes to my profession. I had my reservations about on-line relationships, but, done properly, they can be quite meaningful. The pros I've found is that I still have an outlet for expressing this part of who I am. The selection of women is more vast and literally opens the world up to you. There is the promise of confidentiality, or at least confidentiality until the couple decide to maybe share phone numbers or addresses or possibly even to meet, which shouldn't happen until that level of trust is acheived.

Enough of my background. I read in several spots, that as a sub you can't jump into a relationship that suddenly (in like a day or two I believe was the reference). I agree wholeheartedly. It's a "stages" process I believe in that progresses as time and trust is acheived. The process I follow and encourage all subs to look for is the following:
Stage 1: First Impressions: This is the meet and greet stage of the relationship. Just establishing some basic facts about each other, basically that one is a Dom, one is a sub and both are looking. Gathering basic information about each other.
Stage 2: Exploration: In this early stage, the Dom and sub learn about each others wants in a relationship. This is the stage where the Dom should understand the sub's limits in detail to see if they are something he won't have a problem respecting. In addition, the Dom should understand what the sub will be bringing to the relationship and the special needs the sub might have. The sub should understand what will be expected of them and whether the Dom is someone they feel comfortable surrendering their submission to. This stage can take a few sessions to fully reach.
Stage 3: Gift of Submission: I know this stage differs for each Dom. Some consider this the point of being collared. I do not. I believe that when the sub offers her gift of submission, it is a different stage than when a Dom offers their collar to a sub. At the stage of the gift of submission, when a sub feels comfortable with a Dom, they offer their gift of submission. Again, in this string of threads, I read where there needs to be "trust" built up before a sub takes on a Master. Let's face it. Trust takes time. It's trust that is built up during this gift of submission stage. It's where you take the relationship out for a "test drive" if you will, to see if all the "theories" of stage 2, play out like both expect. For me, this stage is the crucial one and should stand the test of time. For me the minimum time for this stage is 6 months.
Stage 4: The collar: At this stage, a Dom should know if the sub pleases him. The sub should know all there is about the Dom and his style of Domination. The Dom will offer the collar to the sub and if accepted, then they enter into the final stage of the process. At this point, a symbolic item is generally given, mine is often in the form of jewlery or bracelett as an actual collar isn't practical to wear on a daily basis. Some Dom's have the sub get a tattoo of the Dom's name or initials, of Chinese Characters.

As this is getting long, I'll continue my thoughts in a follow-on post.

 

[msteel4u]

Well, if you are continuing to read, I'm either making sense, or you are a into painful reading of dull disertations. I'm fairly passionate about this lifestyle and this thread brought up some obvious discussion points for me.

Besides the process of how a relationship rolls out, some of the discussions around what the Dom in this thread did as far as restrictions of who the sub could talk to and how often they can have sex with their spouse....this is all part of the limits and what a sub want to get out of the relationship. I myself am not into extreme pain or degrading of my subs. But there are subs out there that want that. I certainly don't judge the way a door swings, but that's why it's important to see early on in the relationship what needs both parties have. Now, I've had subs both married and not, but the married subs generally do make it clear that their relationship with their husband needs to be protected. The Dom should expect and respect this. I had my own approach to this and every Dom probably does. I had a sub who when I met her, she was single. Got engaged while we were together and eventually married. Each stage required us to re-evaluate the boundries of our relationship. In the end, she got pregnant and asked for her release so she could give the time and attention to her family. We remain good friends.

My final point is that this relationship is much more than just the "play" aspect of it. Sure, sex and sexuality if a large part of the relationship and you'd be mistaken to believe that it isn't. However, I enjoy most the love and caring that go into the relationship. The nurturing and the caring and being cared for part. It's funny, so many times I read about "Trolls", Dom "wannabes" out on the hunt for willing submissives. These are more "roleplay" people and not people serious about having a true relationship. Believe me when I tell you that I run into my share of sub "wannabes" as well. The "make me be submissive is always a joy for me. You either are submissive or you are not...being a Dom isn't like bonking someone on the head with a magic Domination wand. Then there is the women with poor self esteem or extreme loniness, who turn to this world for much needed attention. I'm a great believer that you have to love yourself before you can love another. Finally, the "subs" who in the first conversation what you to do something sexual to them. We'll call them the "role-players" too, who are looking for something quick and most often are guys "posing" as women. I find the "posers" particularly frustrating. So, I agree that subs need to be leary of Dom's but a good Dom has to be on the lookout as well, if you are serious about having a Dom/sub relationship.

So, if you have the total commitment, honesty and are true to your submission (or Dominance) and you find the right partner, the virtual world can be a fun place to find your Dom or sub. Be prepared to kiss a lot of Toads however, before finding your match.

In Domination,

Steel

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

So, if you have the total commitment, honesty and are true to your submission (or Dominance) and you find the right partner, the virtual world can be a fun place to find your Dom or sub. Be prepared to kiss a lot of Toads however, before finding your match.

In Domination,

Steel

Two long but very good posts!

I can just add I've kissed few Toads untill I found my good Master. Well actualy he found me, anyways, I am happy to be called HIS and theres nuthing I wouldnt do for him.

Find a person who mesh well with you is hard. I am lucky I got him cuz what he want/crave for and need is exactely what I need to give and visa versa.