It's a Wonderful Life 1.5, feedback requested

[Varian P]

Hi Varian, I'm so pleased you had a chance to read and comment, and glad you were OK lending a hand in deflowering dear Clarence! This story was so much fun for me to write and I appreciate the affirmations.

As usual I write something that's kinda one foot in, one foot out...Clearly non-erotic, but with lots of language...as I think about it, it likely better suited for a PG type approach, I might clean up the language a bit to appeal to a wider audience...at some point I may submit it to a, ummm, tamer site!

I thought about opening the story with Annie in front of the TV at night...but figured I needed to set some context for her being upset/worn down, so I tried to create kind of a typical "yucky" day, that everyone seems to be struggling with...part of the problem, I'll admit I was so excited about my little Zuzu as angel idea I couldn't wait to get to it, and paid less attention to the opening...

That said, do you think it's better if I DO start with Annie watching the movie, and she then RELATES her day to her husband...maybe he gets tuned into his fave movie on the TV, she gets upset...would that be more efficient than grind through what seems to be a bumpy beginning?

Interested in what you think. Now if I DON'T do that, at what point would you say you WERE with me 100%...just want to be clear, is it at the Black Friday comment?

In my opinion, you should absolutely keep the opening scene. My sense is that if you open with her trying to complain about her crappy day, then getting frustrated that her husband isn't paying attention, she'll come off as more whiny than I think you mean her to be, even if she does need to learn a lesson.

By opening with her shopping experience, you let us ride along for the soul-sucking hell that is consumerism, American style. I even think the crappy Hallmark button display is a good image, exemplifying the junk we're inundated with every time we step into a drug store, grocery store, Target, etc. It's just that the wording made it hard to decipher what was going on, in that opening scene. I'd just refine the passage a bit to smooth out the confusing phrasing and imagery that people are pointing out.

Thanks again for the read! I'm sure you're happy the only George is in, he gets belted, just like in the original.

I love the guy, sorry!

You're always welcome!

And it's not the character I hate, it's Jimmy Stewart. Oh well, at least it wasn't Spencer Tracey.

 

[ninefe2dg]

In my opinion, you should absolutely keep the opening scene. My sense is that if you open with her trying to complain about her crappy day, then getting frustrated that her husband isn't paying attention, she'll come off as more whiny than I think you mean her to be, even if she does need to learn a lesson.

By opening with her shopping experience, you let us ride along for the soul-sucking hell that is consumerism, American style. I even think the crappy Hallmark button display is a good image, exemplifying the junk we're inundated with every time we step into a drug store, grocery store, Target, etc. It's just that the wording made it hard to decipher what was going on, in that opening scene. I'd just refine the passage a bit to smooth out the confusing phrasing and imagery that people are pointing out.



You're always welcome!

And it's not the character I hate, it's Jimmy Stewart. Oh well, at least it wasn't Spencer Tracey.

OK, I appreciate your wisdom...nice affirmation what I WANTED to do was the right way to go...I'll work on it a bit more. Thanks!

If you've never seen the Dana Carvey impression of J. Stewart getting a blow job (I can't imagine it's not SOMEWHERE on the 'net), you might appreciate it..his impression is dead on, and the bit is hilarious...I suspect you might get some evil pleasure out of it.

Thanks, as always, for the advice!

 

[Varian P]

If you've never seen the Dana Carvey impression of J. Stewart getting a blow job (I can't imagine it's not SOMEWHERE on the 'net), you might appreciate it..his impression is dead on, and the bit is hilarious...I suspect you might get some evil pleasure out of it.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but here's the link. The Jimmy Stewart bit is about four minutes in. Dana Carvey has a better imagination than I do, thinking J.S. may have actually engaged in sexual activity at some point.

The Carry Grant bit, maybe a minute earlier in the clip, was quite amusing, as well.



-V

 

[ninefe2dg]

Bump Still Looking For 25 Votes!

Please feel free to read and comment on the story, thanks!