It's loooooooooooooooooooooooong
- Thread starter ellynei
- Start date
Edited version of Ch. 001 got up 
I hope I caught em all this time around
Now they are
(At least in chapter 001 and in chapters 004 and all that I post later, Ch. 002 and Ch. 003 havent submitted edits yet.)
Hope I caught all of those too
I probably will too in a later edit, but right now still chewing on it.
I looked at it with fresh eyes, you are so right. Especially the uniform description! I simply removed most of the uniform description. However, some of it I inserted again in the context I had originally thought, but not done...
--example quote:--
Majgen was a tenth-ranked mentarion student, hence she wore a tenth ranked mentarion uniform. A child's uniform. But at least she had been spared the indignity of the usual cut of uniforms for the youngest mentarions.
As was norm for adult mentarions, the outer layer of her uniform was a long, sleeved, hooded cloak, that stopped six inches from the floor, when she was standing.
In the children's version of mentarion uniforms; the cloak part was shorter and had an opening down the front, to be less of a hindrance to physical activities. Majgen's cloak was basically an anorak, in accordance with the adult cut of mentarion uniforms it had no opening in the front.
--example quote end.--
There are still too many descriptions in Ch. 001 but quite frankly, I don't know what to do about it
I don't feel the room description can go, because we are 6000 years in the future, I don't want the reader to imagine a classroom as we know it.
Here and there along the course of the book I have a lil description of surroundings, just to make sure reader don't imagine a 20th century picture that wouldn't fit, nor the standard grey hallway's of the 1970ies sci fi books (or whenever it was they did a lot of those).
Does the remainder of Femaron uniform description need to go? Anyone?
I am at a bloody loss.
I went so hard with the razor, in the attempt to gain intensity in Ch. 001 that I couldn't find a place to place this:
--homeless paragraph--
Majgen's natural hair colour was a shiny pure black. According to mentarion tradition, she did not dye it, but she made sure to use shampoo types that made it shine less. She used those in excess. Without its natural shine her hair looked boring to most, especially when combined with her pale black uniform. It made her less noticeable, which was exactly the effect she aimed for.
--homeless paragraph end--
I'm hoping I can push it into chapter 003 somewhere, because Majgen is short and she has black hair, and really need to have that somewhere before the reader imagines another appearance for her. Otherwise the reader will get angry at me when somewhere on page 100+ I describe her different than they imagined.
(I'm scared of touching chapter 003, people seem to like chapter 003, don't wanna wreck it. But by golly Majgen is short with black, hair and dark brown eyes! and I gotta fit that in somewhere, somehow!)
I'm not sure how to fix this
Words introduced in Chapter 1: Mentarion, Mentariata, Femaron, Ottearon, Empaticon, Ceasar, voice commands, and a couple not essential ones buried in Majgen's trivial data recital.
Character names; Majgen, Baglian, Braygen, Kradi, Peterson, Nero, Weissme... some of whom we will never hear of again!
As for the words: I've been doing some thinking. Mentariata is the name of the mentarion school, Majgen has been attending. Would it be wiser to Rename that to something That absolutely does not contain 'Menta-' ? (Because of the mentarion student Majgen confusion?)
In the Majgen-universe one of the other mentarion schools is called: The Cogniata (well whaddaya expect from mentarions!) I could sneakily shift names between those two schools. Would that work better?
I could also make sure that 'Ottearon' is only mentioned where it has to be, in the context 'Ottearon Weissme' , so it is easier for the reader to go past that fast with a thought of:
'Oh that's some dude, oki, reading on.'
does that sound sensible?
Empaticon and Ceasar are both explained instantly, and neither word is needed for the reader to remember at this point in the story. Do they hurt in spite of this?
(Should be easy to remove Ceasar from chapter 001. Empaticon gonna hurt a bit more.)
Mentarion and Femaron, unavoidable. No matter what, those two words are the first the reader must get accustomed to. Do I need to present those two words better?
I know this is too many questions
But I don't know where else to look for the answers, and I can't figure it all out yet.
If anybody has any ideas, suggestions, thoughts. Useful link to relevant 'How to'-guides, anything.
I'd really appreciate it.
If you are too shy to give your idea on a public forum, PM works.
If you are too shy for PM 'instant anonymous feedback' works.
P.S
All made clear in chapter 002
I hope I caught em all this time around
Now they are
(At least in chapter 001 and in chapters 004 and all that I post later, Ch. 002 and Ch. 003 havent submitted edits yet.)
Hope I caught all of those too
I probably will too in a later edit, but right now still chewing on it.
I looked at it with fresh eyes, you are so right. Especially the uniform description! I simply removed most of the uniform description. However, some of it I inserted again in the context I had originally thought, but not done...
--example quote:--
Majgen was a tenth-ranked mentarion student, hence she wore a tenth ranked mentarion uniform. A child's uniform. But at least she had been spared the indignity of the usual cut of uniforms for the youngest mentarions.
As was norm for adult mentarions, the outer layer of her uniform was a long, sleeved, hooded cloak, that stopped six inches from the floor, when she was standing.
In the children's version of mentarion uniforms; the cloak part was shorter and had an opening down the front, to be less of a hindrance to physical activities. Majgen's cloak was basically an anorak, in accordance with the adult cut of mentarion uniforms it had no opening in the front.
--example quote end.--
There are still too many descriptions in Ch. 001 but quite frankly, I don't know what to do about it
I don't feel the room description can go, because we are 6000 years in the future, I don't want the reader to imagine a classroom as we know it.
Here and there along the course of the book I have a lil description of surroundings, just to make sure reader don't imagine a 20th century picture that wouldn't fit, nor the standard grey hallway's of the 1970ies sci fi books (or whenever it was they did a lot of those).
Does the remainder of Femaron uniform description need to go? Anyone?
I am at a bloody loss.
I went so hard with the razor, in the attempt to gain intensity in Ch. 001 that I couldn't find a place to place this:
--homeless paragraph--
Majgen's natural hair colour was a shiny pure black. According to mentarion tradition, she did not dye it, but she made sure to use shampoo types that made it shine less. She used those in excess. Without its natural shine her hair looked boring to most, especially when combined with her pale black uniform. It made her less noticeable, which was exactly the effect she aimed for.
--homeless paragraph end--
I'm hoping I can push it into chapter 003 somewhere, because Majgen is short and she has black hair, and really need to have that somewhere before the reader imagines another appearance for her. Otherwise the reader will get angry at me when somewhere on page 100+ I describe her different than they imagined.
(I'm scared of touching chapter 003, people seem to like chapter 003, don't wanna wreck it. But by golly Majgen is short with black, hair and dark brown eyes! and I gotta fit that in somewhere, somehow!)
I'm not sure how to fix this
Words introduced in Chapter 1: Mentarion, Mentariata, Femaron, Ottearon, Empaticon, Ceasar, voice commands, and a couple not essential ones buried in Majgen's trivial data recital.
Character names; Majgen, Baglian, Braygen, Kradi, Peterson, Nero, Weissme... some of whom we will never hear of again!
As for the words: I've been doing some thinking. Mentariata is the name of the mentarion school, Majgen has been attending. Would it be wiser to Rename that to something That absolutely does not contain 'Menta-' ? (Because of the mentarion student Majgen confusion?)
In the Majgen-universe one of the other mentarion schools is called: The Cogniata (well whaddaya expect from mentarions!) I could sneakily shift names between those two schools. Would that work better?
I could also make sure that 'Ottearon' is only mentioned where it has to be, in the context 'Ottearon Weissme' , so it is easier for the reader to go past that fast with a thought of:
'Oh that's some dude, oki, reading on.'
does that sound sensible?
Empaticon and Ceasar are both explained instantly, and neither word is needed for the reader to remember at this point in the story. Do they hurt in spite of this?
(Should be easy to remove Ceasar from chapter 001. Empaticon gonna hurt a bit more.)
Mentarion and Femaron, unavoidable. No matter what, those two words are the first the reader must get accustomed to. Do I need to present those two words better?
I know this is too many questions
But I don't know where else to look for the answers, and I can't figure it all out yet.
If anybody has any ideas, suggestions, thoughts. Useful link to relevant 'How to'-guides, anything.
I'd really appreciate it.
If you are too shy to give your idea on a public forum, PM works.
If you are too shy for PM 'instant anonymous feedback' works.
P.S
All made clear in chapter 002
The_Fractal_King
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2007
- Posts
- 441
I'm just going to pick a few things:
6000 years in the future is probably excessive. Why would there even be chairs or schools? By comparison 6000 years ago civilization didn't quite exist.
Rather than giving people long details say just something like "the hooded cloak" and give a passing mention to how it's cut and that other people wear different ones. When she meets those people note the differences.
6000 years in the future is probably excessive. Why would there even be chairs or schools? By comparison 6000 years ago civilization didn't quite exist.
Rather than giving people long details say just something like "the hooded cloak" and give a passing mention to how it's cut and that other people wear different ones. When she meets those people note the differences.
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