Jealously and complicated relationships

[dreamysub]

It does suck.
I have jealousy issues, which is ironic because I'm kinda polyamory myself.
I'm in a D/s situationship, where I'm his sub.
He's also polyamory.
we have an understanding that it's ok for me to flirt with others, but I only have one Dom.
I find it's better for my sanity if I don't ask if he has other subs.
Don't ask. Don't tell.
It works for us.

Since I get to know him I did listen lots of podcasts about polyamory and being jelaous is pretty common even in poly relationships. I know he does talk and flirt with other subs, I don't mind that. I do flirt with Doms here on Lit as well. But when we are together I want him to be mine, just as he said he want me to be just his. He told me long time ago he wouldn't share me. I don't wanna share him either. He can do things with other subs, but I won't be there to watch and think it's for the best if he won't tell me about it either. What I don't know and don't see doesn't hurt me.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Yeah, and tbh, I could never separate the sex from the emotions either. But I think it’s “normal” to be like that. We have a natural desire to want to be prioritized by the people we love.

When I say that some kinks are better left in the computer screen, I mean being polyamorous, open, stag/vixening, cuckoldry, etc. Main risk is the sharing, not the tying up or caging up. It’s not about the sex, it’s about the 95% of the rest of life. If it was so easy to get over jealousy issues, dudes and dudettes wouldn’t be divorcing so much over infidelity issues. Sure, they can say it’s about the lying but like… people lie in marriages all the time and don’t divorce. It’s clearly about more than the lying.

Not saying there aren’t those that aren’t able to do it well, I’m sure there are… but like, they really strike me as the exceptions and not the rule.

 

[dreamysub]

Yeah, and tbh, I could never separate the sex from the emotions either. But I think it’s “normal” to be like that. We have a natural desire to want to be prioritized by the people we love.

When I say that some kinks are better left in the computer screen, I mean being polyamorous, open, stag/vixening, cuckoldry, etc. Main risk is the sharing, not the tying up or caging up. It’s not about the sex, it’s about the 95% of the rest of life. If it was so easy to get over jealousy issues, dudes and dudettes wouldn’t be divorcing so much over infidelity issues. Sure, they can say it’s about the lying but like… people lie in marriages all the time and don’t divorce. It’s clearly about more than the lying.

Not saying there aren’t those that aren’t able to do it well, I’m sure there are… but like, they really strike me as the exceptions and not the rule.

I should have never agree to go as I know I don't do well with sharing. Lesson learned! It gonna take me couple days to breathe it out now after seeing him hold her the way he usualy holds me. In a way I thought was kinda special. I am 46, but I am so naive LOL! *slaps myself

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I should have never agree to go as I know I don't do well with sharing. Lesson learned! It gonna take me couple days to breathe it out now after seeing him hold her the way he usualy holds me. In a way I thought was kinda special. I am 46, but I am so naive LOL! *slaps myself

I don't think it's being naive..I think females are wired to be more emotional.
Not to say that males aren't, but I feel males can detach from the feelings and focus on their need to be sexual.

 

[Yarglenurp]

I should have never agree to go as I know I don't do well with sharing. Lesson learned! It gonna take me couple days to breathe it out now after seeing him hold her the way he usualy holds me. In a way I thought was kinda special. I am 46, but I am so naive LOL! *slaps myself

if you are talking in kink mode… sure. You’re just a lowly slut, lol.

But if not, then you are special. You’ve lived long enough to know that the world can be a cold dark place, and it can be better when you surround yourself with people who love you and appreciate the love you offer back. There is absolutely nothing wrong about wanting that.

 

[dreamysub]

if you are talking in kink mode… sure. You’re just a lowly slut, lol.

But if not, then you are special. You’ve lived long enough to know that the world can be a cold dark place, and it can be better when you surround yourself with people who love you and appreciate the love you offer back. There is absolutely nothing wrong about wanting that.

I am not talking in kink mode, but I am nothing special either. I am just one submissive who needs a dominant man to match my love, loyalty and passion. Somehow I can't see that happening.

 

[IrisAlthea]

In a way we work so well when we are together. When we are alone. But this? I can't do this and yet I know it's what he craves.

I’m so sorry! It is a very painful place to be in, from both sides.

Don't think I will change to poly and he won't change either. Oh well, will see where it will take us.

I think this an admirable way to take it on.
It takes a lot of strength.

I seriously need to stop doing things just to please someone no matter how it efects "me".

Yeah, it’s a struggle!

My Master did warn me to keep the feelings out of the D/s relationships... I guess I'm unteachable when it comes to this. Honestly, I am not sure if I can even do this with someone without getting emotionaly involved after some time. I am pretty sure I can't

I’m like that too and I think that might be another one of those things where people are just wired differently.
So I don’t think it is that you are unteachable, but rather that it is unteachable.

 

[dreamysub]

I’m so sorry! It is a very painful place to be in, from both sides.

Thank you IrisAlthea! And yes it can be painful. It definitely was when I saw him with the other subs. I should have never agree to go and watch that, as I know I dunno share. I am pretty good at making myself feel like crap. I just hoped it will work out, cuz I know he really wished it would. I know he really likes those two subs and I like them too, but see them with my Dom was a bit too much. Well for me anyways.

I think this an admitable way to take it on.
It takes a lot of strength.

Thank you. He's definitely worth the effort. I hope as long as we keep talking about it we can make it work somehow. I was scared he will be dissapointed that I couldn't take see him with someone else, but he said he understands and respect that.

Yeah, it’s a struggle!


I’m like that too and I think that might be another one of those things where people are just wired differently.
So I don’t think it is that you are unteachable, but rather that it is unteachable.

We are definitely wired differently when it comes to polyamory. I had quite of attitude going on since that trip. I felt everything BUT submissive when it comes to him. I couldn't sleep last night, so I messaged him I am not sure if I need him to beat it out of me, or if I need his gentleness and lots of hugs. In the morning I told him I need to see him and kinda invited myself to his place. Told him he can try to stop me. We spent the whole day together, spoke about things and I get the beating and those hugs too. Maybe I just needed reassuring that we are okay, as I have some serious insecurity issues. Well he made it pretty clear to me that we are okay, so I feel much better now.

 

[dearlybeloved]

Not too long ago I met a guy who I was really into. We worked so well together and I could already see myself falling for him very hard. But then, much too late into the whole thing, he suddenly just sort of casually dropped that he was poly and that really crushed me because I’m not. I do get jealous but not in a bad way, it’s not usually much of a problem but that’s within a monogamous setting. To know he’s seeing other people and possibly getting things from them he feels he’s not getting from me? That’s just impossible for me to imagine myself living with. The situation just brought up a whole world of hurting for me - the comparison with others, the abuse of my trust by bringing it up so late… And yet at first I agreed to it because I was already so hung up on him. But it only lasted for a few days before I realized what I would be putting myself through there. Polyamory isn’t just a kink, it’s a whole lifestyle and you have to have the right mindset for it, which I don’t.

So kudos to you for trying to do this anyway and finding a way to communicate about it so you can both have your needs met while still staying together. I know I couldn’t do that and I can relate to how hard it must be for you every time your mind wanders back to seeing him with those girls. Hopefully if you stay away from those situations and only let yourself enjoy the one on one time with him, things will work out for you and make you happy.

 

[Darkrhytm]

It certainly can be complex, but doesn’t have to be complicated. Having tried different flavors of relationships (monogamy to swinging to poly etc.) I think the essence of everything boils down to the ability of people to be open, honest, vulnerable and to communicate and to develop frameworks and rituals in a relationship that makes sense to them. That space (and always keeping it safe and open and listening) can lead to beautiful relationships.

 

[dreamysub]

Not too long ago I met a guy who I was really into. We worked so well together and I could already see myself falling for him very hard. But then, much too late into the whole thing, he suddenly just sort of casually dropped that he was poly and that really crushed me because I’m not. I do get jealous but not in a bad way, it’s not usually much of a problem but that’s within a monogamous setting. To know he’s seeing other people and possibly getting things from them he feels he’s not getting from me? That’s just impossible for me to imagine myself living with. The situation just brought up a whole world of hurting for me - the comparison with others, the abuse of my trust by bringing it up so late… And yet at first I agreed to it because I was already so hung up on him. But it only lasted for a few days before I realized what I would be putting myself through there. Polyamory isn’t just a kink, it’s a whole lifestyle and you have to have the right mindset for it, which I don’t.

I am not very happy about him being polyamorous, because I know I am the right opossite of that. When I started seeing him I had no intentions of getting closer with him. I thought he gonna be just one dominant who gonna use me every now and then. But somehow we are much closer than that. I try not to think too much about it, because same as you, I can't take the feeling that he might get from them something he is not getting from me. It's definitely strange place to be. We spend most of his free time together, so it's not like he is seeing other subs regulary, but I know if he goes see them again? or someone else? I know I will be very sad. Simply cuz I have this stupid need in me to be ALL he needs. Wish I knew how to keep my feelings out of this, but I can't. I am love retarded and when I am with someone I dunno how to do this without my heart feeling what it feels. I didn't want another relationship, I wanted just dominant, but here we are lol.

So kudos to you for trying to do this anyway and finding a way to communicate about it so you can both have your needs met while still staying together. I know I couldn’t do that and I can relate to how hard it must be for you every time your mind wanders back to seeing him with those girls. Hopefully if you stay away from those situations and only let yourself enjoy the one on one time with him, things will work out for you and make you happy.

Thank you. I hope as long we both stay open about what we can and can't do that it will work. I can go see his female friends, even subs with him, but only if they won't play.

When we were on that trip together he saw I was upset after seeing him with those subs. He came to me, hugged me and said "Don't worry, I am only yours. They just borrowed my hands for a while." I had to bit my tongue, cuz I was tempted to whisper but I can't borrow them your hands... I didn't say it out loud, cuz I KNOW he is polyamorous. I did tell him I felt like crying the whole time he had fun with them though and that I can't watch it again.

 

[dearlybeloved]

Whatever you end up doing and wherever you end up with this relationship, please take good care of your heart and remember to put yourself first.

 

[dreamysub]

Whatever you end up doing and wherever you end up with this relationship, please take good care of your heart and remember to put yourself first.

I will definitely try!