Jealousy issues

[Somehowyou]

I'm older than her. I'm 40 and she's 33, so we're not spring chickens, but we're not in our golden years either.

And what you've said speaks volumes of how I feel it's going to happen. Where I live, it's almost like every second person is having an affair (not quite that high). It really is like it's the normal thing to do.

Even though I helped her cheat on her husband and for that I cannot excuse, but it's definitely against what I believe in, but it also shows me how easy it can happen. I've told her, if she feels the need to have sex with someone else for whatever reason, then just tell me and we can go our separate ways. No hate, no jealously - that's just life sometimes.

Shit....maybe im just putting way too much thought into this and should just roll the dice. Enjoy it whilst it lasts right! I'm pretty good at becoming emotionally unattached, it just kinda seems pointless at the same time if I actually do want this to work. Am I crazy! Haha

OK, sounds like you know what you're doing. Yes, people have affairs and I'll bet more than half of us on here have had an affair but still, affairs are not normal. If they are normal than certainly do not merry or cohabitate with her. If you do merry than you need to strongly consider some sort of prenuptial agreement. You have painted a picture for me (right or wrong) of a fun loving passionate girl that gets what she wants when she wants it. I hope I'm wrong but when the boredom sets in the clock starts ticking on this relationship. And remember: There is a reason that men call divorce court "the cleaners."

I mentioned my sister, of who I am very fond of. She has been married 4 times and now I think she has had it with all the marriages and divorces... but it took 40 years! The husbands got progressively worse in many ways! Her daughter just got divorced for the 2nd time. I thought her second marriage was a good transaction for her because he was ~20 years her senior and a dentist and could give her the things she wanted. This lasted ~20 years and he became part of the family and we all liked him. Just last year she dumped him because she grew tired of him. His heart was broken until he found another young dental assistant and now he's back to square one.

I probably would go for it and have whatever fun I could have, knowing full well that she will eventually fuck me over. If you are looking for someone to grow old with she's probably not the woman for you. The danger is that you may miss out on a better match if you spend all your time with this girl.

Good luck.

 

[nvdrx]

Thanks again team for the replies/opinions.

I think after carefully going through this thread and having some time to think I've come to the conclusion what I needs doing moving forward.

No one is generally perfect and we all have our own little things going on in life. Some experiences we learn from and some we allow to eat away at our emotions and turn us into people we are not.

I'm going to give this lady a chance and park my negative thoughts that she is going to cheat on me....because to be fair. Thats kind of a dig at myself. That's an insecurity of saying I'm not good enough for her. I know I am, and we have a fantastic time both in and out of the bedroom ‐ it's only when I feel insecure about things that we have problems. Even though it's her past feeding me my insecurities, it's a me problem and I'm going to stop. Won't be easy to begin with, but I know I'll sort it out. And if it turns out she does cheat on me, then I'll know it's definitely a her problem and not a me problem and I'll just carry on with life without her.


Thanks again team,
Nvdrx

 

[Somehowyou]

I like your attitude.

Remember what Tennyson said: Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I would enjoy myself and see where things lead to. Sorry if I sounded negative.

 

[NightL]

we really did click sexually and emotionally

Get over yourself and stop being so bloody righteous - look at yourself in the mirror, you left a marriage with children, you went on to have an affair with a married person.

Who are you to judge, except perhaps to wonder how reliable or committed you may be in a relationship.

If you do step forward into this relationship without forgiving yourself there will be a strong risk you or your partner will pull away to familiar patterns. That includes your responsibility on how your previous marriage turned toxic.

If you don't forgive yourself you will never come to terms of your own fears of infidelity.

Your partner - 33 (barely past "young" adulthood) and 10 years in an unfulfilling relationship - married young. What level of pressures or guilt held her for so long in her marriage?

Seems that both of you have a lot of growing up to do, but that won't happen until you both come to terms with how you have handled relationships in the past and being completely honest with yourselves and toward each other.

If it all seems a little overwhelming seek professional counselling assistance - not about accusations of the other but for self acceptance.

Since "relationship" has come into the conversation it would be a good idea to have a confident understanding of what the attraction really is about between you. If it is purely lustful excitement / distraction - then own that and enjoy that, but if it is only that then again you both need to be honest toward each other and especially to yourselves.

Meanwhile - get over it and just have some fun - you may never have a chance for this level of excitement again.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

So, at the end of the day, it's simple right...I trust her, so just get over it and if she does cheat, then I'll walk.

If you have a backup plan for "if she cheats," then you don't really trust her, do you?

 

[NightL]

If you have a backup plan for "if she cheats," then you don't really trust her, do you?

still reckon his worst demon is himself

@nvdrx could you consider you are sabotaging the potential relationship based on your commitment issues while using your emotions of her past life as an escape clause?

Absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to not feeling a match, but care should be used to where you place the blame on your exit. As I interpreted another reply, if you view there is a problem here it is of yours not hers. If you exit, be honest about that as well.

Bah - go have fun - enjoy the delights and surprises life offers up.

 

[nvdrx]

Get over yourself and stop being so bloody righteous - look at yourself in the mirror, you left a marriage with children, you went on to have an affair with a married person.

Hey....appreciate your thoughts.

Just for clarity ‐ I haven't gone back over what I've written, but I didn't leave a marriage with children for this lady. I'd been separated from my ex wife for 3 years (now divorced)

Who are you to judge, except perhaps to wonder how reliable or committed you may be in a relationship.

I didn't think I was judging. Maybe I've come across this way? But I'm not judging her, and she knows this. I started this thread to try and see how people deal with trust issues/insecurities over it. In terms of me being committed or unfaithful ‐ I've got a reasonable handle on my ethos in life.

Seems that both of you have a lot of growing up to do, but that won't happen until you both come to terms with how you have handled relationships in the past and being completely honest with yourselves and toward each other.

Yeah maybe we do. This lady has sought professional help and has gone through a lot to seek/work out her past behaviors and why she did what she did. She has come to terms with her past etc. I haven't done professional help myself on relationships as I'm pretty fine with my past. I have done marriage counseling though which did teach me alot.

And one thing to mention is ‐ we have both been 100% honest with each other in regards to our feelings/concerns. No stone has been left unturned, and I have not held back, and she has not held back. It's been great. I've even shown her this thread. It was interesting to see her reaction(s)

Meanwhile - get over it and just have some fun - you may never have a chance for this level of excitement again.

Trust me, I am trying to get over it haha. I'm getting there, just not as quickly as I'd like.

 

[nvdrx]

If you have a backup plan for "if she cheats," then you don't really trust her, do you?

It's not so much a backup plan. It's probably how I deal with things. I know it sounds contradicting saying I have trust issues, yet I trust her - it totally does sound backwards haha. But that's where it's a me issue. I have no reason not to trust her and that's why I know this can work, until it doesn't. It's a me problem which I'm working on.

For example, we spoke again this morning and I said......If I lost you because I was a dick with how I feel about your past which has nothing to do with me, then I would feel the hurt. I fucked it up. But if she just one day said, Hey , I'm not feeling this relationship anymore, or there is someone else I'm keen on or whatever, then I would totally be fine with it. Yeah there would be some emotion obviously, but I can honestly say I'd be fine. If she cheated, I would 100% be able to walk away without a second thought.

 

[nvdrx]

still reckon his worst demon is himself

@nvdrx could you consider you are sabotaging the potential relationship based on your commitment issues while using your emotions of her past life as an escape clause?

Absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to not feeling a match, but care should be used to where you place the blame on your exit. As I interpreted another reply, if you view there is a problem here it is of yours not hers. If you exit, be honest about that as well.

Bah - go have fun - enjoy the delights and surprises life offers up.

Yeah I'm definitely have had a few self sabotaging moments. At 40 years of age, I'm learning alot about myself in regards to emotions of actually caring about someone, and other bits n pieces. As a poster above said ‐ I need to grow up! Haha it's kinda true tbh.

I cared about my ex wife, but it wasn't love. Prior to my ex wife, I always had short lived relationships because I didn't like getting attached to people. I kinda lived a selfish life in the sense of enjoying my freedom. Maybe it's a childhood thing ‐ having too much freedom and doing whatever I wanted when I wanted. But.... I've always been respectful and honest.

And your right on the "exit"... it is a me problem, not a her problem. She has opened up to me more than I thought was possible. That's why I trust/believe her.

Life is full of fun and surprises, and I'm constantly learning.


Cheers all

 

[nvdrx]

I like your attitude.

Remember what Tennyson said: Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I would enjoy myself and see where things lead to. Sorry if I sounded negative.

No need to apologize at all! I respect everyone's opinions and advice. It's been great to hear things you kinda know already but don't want to admit too. And I feel everyone's been great.

Love this forum!

 

[jsgmgmt8]

Im the same age, can sort of relate as im just very particular w who i get involved with, but the few that check all my boxes...are a go no matter what.

Your past, her past dont mean shit anymore. Biggest thing is being very clear upfront that any kind of cheating or sketchy shit with you will not be given a second chance. If she likes you enough, shouldn't be a problem.

Don't ever regret your past, first its stupid because ya cant go back anyways. As an investor, do i look back and get all bent for not holding or buying something a while back that i was certainly going to do?? hell no id go nuts. Your past is what makes you, who you are, your standards and the learning process that goes into changing for the better i hope.

Relationships are tough and people or couples more specifically dont change and adapt with each other which is a necessity in the different stages in life, like our grandparents did.

Just because someone cheated, doesn't make them a serial cheater or dishonest. Situational information is needed

Last, dont be a pussy, just cause its easier to not get your heart broken doesn't mean its not worth the ride, to find your ride or die person.

 

[nvdrx]

Im the same age, can sort of relate as im just very particular w who i get involved with, but the few that check all my boxes...are a go no matter what.

Your past, her past dont mean shit anymore. Biggest thing is being very clear upfront that any kind of cheating or sketchy shit with you will not be given a second chance. If she likes you enough, shouldn't be a problem.

Don't ever regret your past, first its stupid because ya cant go back anyways. As an investor, do i look back and get all bent for not holding or buying something a while back that i was certainly going to do?? hell no id go nuts. Your past is what makes you, who you are, your standards and the learning process that goes into changing for the better i hope.

Relationships are tough and people or couples more specifically dont change and adapt with each other which is a necessity in the different stages in life, like our grandparents did.

Just because someone cheated, doesn't make them a serial cheater or dishonest. Situational information is needed

Last, dont be a pussy, just cause its easier to not get your heart broken doesn't mean its not worth the ride, to find your ride or die person.

Cheers dude! Love the post, especially the last paragraph. Absolutely

 

[Somehowyou]

Last, dont be a pussy, just cause its easier to not get your heart broken doesn't mean its not worth the ride, to find your ride or die person.

This is profound. I want to make this my tagline.