HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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Been there, done that. There's more content now. I should have marked it. What are we understanding?
Level three please
- Thread starter twelveoone
- Start date
Been there, done that. There's more content now. I should have marked it. What are we understanding?
twelveoone
ground zero
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how to see though other eyes
GuiltyPleasure
AWTSS
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Really?
twelveoone
ground zero
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yes really, Harry to his credit stuck his neck out on Morning, Still, that is what is missing from this place, questioners, question everything, you find your own answers.
10,000 ways to write 'em, 10,000 ways to read 'em.
10,000 just the Chinese way of saying more than you'll ever know.
GuiltyPleasure
AWTSS
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I agree but can't find Harrys post re Morrowing, Still. TBH if I was Greensparks I'd have been a bit more spare and saved some of that language for future work - which I look forward to seeing.
twelveoone
ground zero
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twelveoone
ground zero
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!!!!
reminds me i have work to do
HarryHill
Hairy fucker
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..
The boxed stressed diagrams used by the author sonnet 116 were not available. I said so then went back to look again and saw them...so I deleted the comment.
butters
High on a Hill
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- Jul 2, 2009
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- 84,326
learning to see through others'/other eyes is absolutely necessary, imo, and something we should always try to be open to:
to see our writes as read by other people - so as to better develop our own critical pov.
to write from perspectives not immediately intimate to our own nature, and to achieve that write with its own sense of 'genuine'.
to see our writes as read by other people - so as to better develop our own critical pov.
to write from perspectives not immediately intimate to our own nature, and to achieve that write with its own sense of 'genuine'.
twelveoone
ground zero
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- Mar 13, 2004
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- 5,882
War of the Rats
as if an answered prayer
From Afar
In other treads I mentioned the fact that if you keep your eyes open, you can learn, and I mentioned that I am often in awe of my so-called peers, sometimes in a good way. wakingDown appears to be a relatively new writer, who creates his own structures, this if not his own is very unusal and seems to be rather effective, if not ruthless in the way it carries the reader along. It helps to look at it as two structures.
A lens to bring you to me
To extend my vision
To make you clear
I can see you
A three line block of information, followed by a declarative statement
Through dust and wind
Over time and chance
In night or day
I can reach you
As you see the blocks are rather discrete, stand alone, even rather static. They do not tell much of a linear story, you the reader fills in the blanks. Movement is supplied by the one line statements, which is insistent and repetitious.
I can...
I can...
I can...
I can...
1,2,3,4, and 5
You are mine
Five is about the limit you can take these things, after that there is often a drop off in effect.
An added benefit is you the reader has to juxtapose the block and the statement, giving the whole poem a richer texture. WARNING this does not work for everyone.
A few established forms have the ability to carry rather weak material, the pantoum and the terza rima, the terza rima developed by Dante to carry the reader through the long journey of two knuckleheads walking in hell talking and listening to boring stories of glory days.
So walkingDown has something to suit his purpose. The material is rather suspect, the blocks not consistent, nor concise, and you can't really form a clear picture as to what this really all about. i.e
I can see you
Through dust and wind
If about a sniper, it is wrong.
However the unreliability of the blocks does add to the overall tone of the poem, and that is what it is all about, get the reader through it, without a overly defined piece of prose (so they come back for more) , i.e. if you "get it" on read one, it probably isn't poetry.
Usual disclaimer, my opine, and as usual a futile effort to support some real innovation by the writers here. Go read the rest of it, give him a five and I hope he gets H's forever after.
From Afar
I love to make the anons work.
Verse Libre!
Comments, walkingDown?
as if an answered prayer
From Afar
In other treads I mentioned the fact that if you keep your eyes open, you can learn, and I mentioned that I am often in awe of my so-called peers, sometimes in a good way. wakingDown appears to be a relatively new writer, who creates his own structures, this if not his own is very unusal and seems to be rather effective, if not ruthless in the way it carries the reader along. It helps to look at it as two structures.
A lens to bring you to me
To extend my vision
To make you clear
I can see you
A three line block of information, followed by a declarative statement
Through dust and wind
Over time and chance
In night or day
I can reach you
As you see the blocks are rather discrete, stand alone, even rather static. They do not tell much of a linear story, you the reader fills in the blanks. Movement is supplied by the one line statements, which is insistent and repetitious.
I can...
I can...
I can...
I can...
1,2,3,4, and 5
You are mine
Five is about the limit you can take these things, after that there is often a drop off in effect.
An added benefit is you the reader has to juxtapose the block and the statement, giving the whole poem a richer texture. WARNING this does not work for everyone.
A few established forms have the ability to carry rather weak material, the pantoum and the terza rima, the terza rima developed by Dante to carry the reader through the long journey of two knuckleheads walking in hell talking and listening to boring stories of glory days.
So walkingDown has something to suit his purpose. The material is rather suspect, the blocks not consistent, nor concise, and you can't really form a clear picture as to what this really all about. i.e
I can see you
Through dust and wind
If about a sniper, it is wrong.
However the unreliability of the blocks does add to the overall tone of the poem, and that is what it is all about, get the reader through it, without a overly defined piece of prose (so they come back for more) , i.e. if you "get it" on read one, it probably isn't poetry.
Usual disclaimer, my opine, and as usual a futile effort to support some real innovation by the writers here. Go read the rest of it, give him a five and I hope he gets H's forever after.
From Afar
I love to make the anons work.
Verse Libre!
Comments, walkingDown?
wakingDown
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 250
Hello. I suppose I do have a comment or two, twelvoone. First, thank you. I am glad that you can feel something from my work.
'I can see you
Through dust and wind'
You must begin your zeroing from your target. Dust can haze and obscure, but most windy day dust is only a light haze. It can make fine details a bit harder to discern when it is constant, but overall it is typically a minor distraction. If the weather conditions are bad enough to cause blinding dust you wont have your scope cap open anyhow. So through dust and wind, I can see you. I aimed down the sights of an M2 and Mk. 19 most of the time I was out there, but I talked with our Guardian Angels regularly. The haze I was sighting through was the same they sighted through, they just sighted through a longer patch of it.
The form of the work in a way created itself. The declarations were the initial foundation, and the structure built from them solidified as the blocks. I wanted a little contrast between the two, so they could highlight each other. So the blocks were vague and weaving observations and the declarations were bare and prominent facts. So as the pieces came together, they really formed the overall structure on their own. I like how they came together. I think it worked nicely.
Thanks again. I am glad you liked it.
wD
'I can see you
Through dust and wind'
You must begin your zeroing from your target. Dust can haze and obscure, but most windy day dust is only a light haze. It can make fine details a bit harder to discern when it is constant, but overall it is typically a minor distraction. If the weather conditions are bad enough to cause blinding dust you wont have your scope cap open anyhow. So through dust and wind, I can see you. I aimed down the sights of an M2 and Mk. 19 most of the time I was out there, but I talked with our Guardian Angels regularly. The haze I was sighting through was the same they sighted through, they just sighted through a longer patch of it.
The form of the work in a way created itself. The declarations were the initial foundation, and the structure built from them solidified as the blocks. I wanted a little contrast between the two, so they could highlight each other. So the blocks were vague and weaving observations and the declarations were bare and prominent facts. So as the pieces came together, they really formed the overall structure on their own. I like how they came together. I think it worked nicely.
Thanks again. I am glad you liked it.
wD
Last edited:
twelveoone
ground zero
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Posts
- 5,882
To me, you are a clever or skilled poet if your layers come together like instruments into a singular composition meant for EVERYONE to grasp in one take. - Magnetron
This is a notable goal, I think this one largely succeeds. I have permission from the writer. Any omissions or errors are mine. Here goes:
Part 1
x,
hears,
x
fears.
x
there,
x
hair.
Four line stanzas (quatrains), rhyme on the second and the four lines, all lines stopped, the last of every stanza, full stop. For four stanzas.
quatrains are one of the main building blocks of formal poetry. And this seems a little insistent, the non variation goes on a little long. It longs like formal verse.
But he has something else that really starts to get strange. Here are the first words of the lines.
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I'll
I
too
I'll
much
For eleven lines it starts of with "I", "I'll" is repeated, the two non-I are starts are too much. this looks like a list poem, rather common in free verse. The I begins to sound strained, plantive, hardly relived by I'll and too much. A sort of hybrid. With a bit of relief at the end.
Before you read it, please renote what I put in bold, does the structure fit the text?
the link
This is a notable goal, I think this one largely succeeds. I have permission from the writer. Any omissions or errors are mine. Here goes:
Part 1
x,
hears,
x
fears.
x
there,
x
hair.
Four line stanzas (quatrains), rhyme on the second and the four lines, all lines stopped, the last of every stanza, full stop. For four stanzas.
quatrains are one of the main building blocks of formal poetry. And this seems a little insistent, the non variation goes on a little long. It longs like formal verse.
But he has something else that really starts to get strange. Here are the first words of the lines.
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I'll
I
too
I'll
much
For eleven lines it starts of with "I", "I'll" is repeated, the two non-I are starts are too much. this looks like a list poem, rather common in free verse. The I begins to sound strained, plantive, hardly relived by I'll and too much. A sort of hybrid. With a bit of relief at the end.
Before you read it, please renote what I put in bold, does the structure fit the text?
the link
twelveoone
ground zero
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Posts
- 5,882
Part 2
I don't know if the line structure conforms to any regular quatrain, it feels simialir to either a ballad or hymn, the syllable count is 7.6.7.6.
It seems as if it missing something.
As said it also seems like a list poem, much of it is, with list poems you do get a high degree of phrasal rhythm and syntax alignment here it is deliberately emphasized by the repeating of words and compressed be the forced closure of the lines, the effect (to me) is pantoum like, without it being one. He sustains this, and gradually loosens it, breaking it free at the end. All lines can be read as separate sentences until the last stanza, there is a nice variation there:
I love, for it's my nature,
too long, too hard, it seems, (1,2,1,2,1,2)
I'll hold on tight to memories,
much sweeter than my dreams. (what happens here? 6 - 123, 123 is how I read it.
If there is a problem with this assessment, fine do it here. If you wish to comment on the poem, do so there.
The purpose of this thread, is I find some work I feel amazing, if that work helps you in anyway become a better writer, fine. Some things are too complex and I don't feel adequate to illustrate and thus would be difficult to incorporate into your work. I find that also.
Again, I apolgise for any errors or omissions, thank you Mutt.
I don't know if the line structure conforms to any regular quatrain, it feels simialir to either a ballad or hymn, the syllable count is 7.6.7.6.
It seems as if it missing something.
As said it also seems like a list poem, much of it is, with list poems you do get a high degree of phrasal rhythm and syntax alignment here it is deliberately emphasized by the repeating of words and compressed be the forced closure of the lines, the effect (to me) is pantoum like, without it being one. He sustains this, and gradually loosens it, breaking it free at the end. All lines can be read as separate sentences until the last stanza, there is a nice variation there:
I love, for it's my nature,
too long, too hard, it seems, (1,2,1,2,1,2)
I'll hold on tight to memories,
much sweeter than my dreams. (what happens here? 6 - 123, 123 is how I read it.
If there is a problem with this assessment, fine do it here. If you wish to comment on the poem, do so there.
The purpose of this thread, is I find some work I feel amazing, if that work helps you in anyway become a better writer, fine. Some things are too complex and I don't feel adequate to illustrate and thus would be difficult to incorporate into your work. I find that also.
Again, I apolgise for any errors or omissions, thank you Mutt.
