Little Giggles.

Alana_

Literotica Guru
Joined
Aug 23, 2007
Posts
3,315
Post your funny stories or jokes here..Have fun.


I got this in an email this morning, and it had me laugh.


BAD Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate

transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can

to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had caused him
make such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
Two women from Mississippi are in a field, picking carrots and chatting.

One woman pulls a particularly large carrot from the wet soil, and holds it up so her friend can admire it.

Upon displaying the carrot to her friend she says, "Hmm, this carrot reminds me of my husband."
The second woman exclaims, "Really? That big?"
The first woman returns, "Yes and that dirty."
 
This one could be considered offensive, so.. you're warned.


A pirate and his parrot walk into a bar, ordering a large pint. The bartender looks over the parrot, smiling in appreciation of the beast.

"Amazing companion you have, where did you find it?" He asks. The parrot then replies.. "*Squawk* Somalia, they're all over the place"
 
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.



The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'




The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?



The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's , I am.'




The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'



The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'



The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'



The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'



The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'



The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'



The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.



About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.



Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'


Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'


Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
 
Foul language here. (Most of my friends are guys. Give 'em drinks and... these come out.)

A woman passed over a bridge going twice the speed limit, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, “What’s your hurry?”

She replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
 
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Two men were digging a ditch with one man pacing along the road supervising their efforts. Toiling with their shovels for hours under the hot sun it finally came time for the two ditchdiggers to take a break. They began to talk casting jealous glances towards the supervisor.

So one finally approached the supervisor asking. "Hey, why do we have to break our backs all day and you don't?"

"Because I'm supervising you," The man answered.

"Well I want to supervise too."

"You can't," The supervisor said simply, "Not qualified."

"Why not?"

"You don't have the wit."

The man scratched his head, "What's wit?"

"I'll show you." The supervisor placed his hand over the trunk of a tree. "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

So the ditchdigger reared back and swung his large fist straight for the hand over the tree.

Quickly the supervisor removed his hand from the tree letting the ditchdigger's fist slam into the trunk.

As the ditchdigger was hopping up and down kissing his hurting hand the supervisor calmly stated, "That's wit."

The ditchdigger grumbled back to the ditch and his friend waiting for him.

"Well," His friend asked.

"We can't supervise," The ditchdigger said calmly, "We don't have the wit."

The ditchdigger's friend scratched his head, "What's wit?"

"I'll show you," The ditchdigger stated placing his hand over his forehead, "I want you to take your shovel and hit my hand as hard as you can."
 
This one is kind of gross, be warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar. Two order pints of blood, and the third orders a cup of hot water. The bartender is confused but, having a wife and kids at home, doesn't want to offend a gang of vampires so he fills their drinks without question.

The next night, it happens again. The bartender is still curious, but decides that it's really none of his business.

When it happens a third time, he finally can't contain his curiosity. 'Look," he says to the water-drinker. "I know you're vampires. So why is it that you always order hot water?" The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, and says, "I like to make tea!"
 
I'll play

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue." she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
 
A sixty year old widow is tired of being alone, so she takes out an ad on the internet asking for a man of comparable age who wont beat her, run around on her, and is good in bed.

Feeling better for having posted the ad she returns to daily life. A few days later the doorbell rings, when she answers it she finds an elderly man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you placed."

The somewhat astonished woman takes a moment to recover,

"But, you've got no legs mister."

"Then clearly I can't run around on you."

"You also have no arms."

"Very astute, I clearly cannot beat you."

Somewhat exasperated now the woman makes her final request.

"So, are you any good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
 
A vulture walks onto a plane carrying two dead raccoons under its wings. A stewardess on board looks at the bird and says, "I'm sorry, but only one carrion allowed per passenger."
 
This guy takes his cross-eyed, toothless dog to a vet. The vet picks him up and looks at his teeth, and checks his eyes...."Hmmm...I think I'm gonna have to put him down."

"WHY?" exclaimed the owner.

"Because he's heavy" said the vet.
 
This isn't a funny story or a joke, but it did make me laugh despite my low mood. So if this doesn't fit the theme of the forum and you wish for this to be removed Alana, just let me know, and no offense will be taken.

I was looking for some pictures of 'Christmas Cheer' on google and this came up.

christmas-cheer1.jpg
 
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Good one Shy :)


So this attractive young woman goes to confession.

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I called a man a son of a bitch, but I think he deserved it."

The priest thought for a moment.

"Well, tell me what happened."

"We were talking."

"Like you and I are talking?"

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him that."

"Well then he put his hand on my leg."

"Like this?"

"A little higher... yes that's it."

"That's still no reason."

"Then his other hand went to my breast and squeezed."

"Like this?"

"Yes."

"That's still no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

"Then he made love to me."

A few minutes later

"Like that?"

"Yes father."

"I still don't understand why you called him a son of a bitch."

"Then he told he has AIDS."

"That SON OF A BITCH!"
 
forgive.me for this one, but I've got a weakness for them.

what did the elephant say to the naked man?

how do you breath with that little thing?
 
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