alwaysawake
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I am highly impressed, Ang. Par excellent!
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Angeline
Poet Chick
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Frogday Morning Revised
I needed a few days to cogitate on everyone's suggestions, but I did, and here is the result. A more consistent and coherent poem, I think--certainly clearer. And Senna--I have to hand it to you, you're a right-thinking fellow: the first version suffered from too much "poetry." This version has more of a voice--for me a very vivid voice that's an amalgam of my family. By the way, the term "kinder" is Yiddish--it's not the English word. It means "children."
Oh. One other point--a few people suggested changing the title to Moyshe Kapoyer, but I think that's wrong because the poem isn't about the narrator per se, but about this particular exoerience in her life.
Have at it poets. What do you think now?
frogday morning
at six I was the family Moyshe Kapoyer
"She does everything backwards! An Arguer!"
not backwards to me but different from them
private, happy alone with books and thoughts
Mama took me away to Florida and a bed on the couch
to nightmares tossing to rain waking me to wet cushions
and in the morning lawn chairs blown sideways tossed
like discarded tops the pool sparkling bobbing with frogs
old men sagged bony frail in yarmulkes circling the concrete
in madras shorts black socks and sandals waving pale hairy arms
brandishing nets pressed and jostled jockeying
they are yeshiva boys again freed from pilpul and years
freed to some grassy riverbank of imagination near Lodz
"Oh you missed him! You got to hold the net straight!"
while Tessa and me--incredulous kinder--stared at grandfathers
shouting and tossing frogs that hopped across neon lawns
I needed a few days to cogitate on everyone's suggestions, but I did, and here is the result. A more consistent and coherent poem, I think--certainly clearer. And Senna--I have to hand it to you, you're a right-thinking fellow: the first version suffered from too much "poetry." This version has more of a voice--for me a very vivid voice that's an amalgam of my family. By the way, the term "kinder" is Yiddish--it's not the English word. It means "children."
Oh. One other point--a few people suggested changing the title to Moyshe Kapoyer, but I think that's wrong because the poem isn't about the narrator per se, but about this particular exoerience in her life.
Have at it poets. What do you think now?
frogday morning
at six I was the family Moyshe Kapoyer
"She does everything backwards! An Arguer!"
not backwards to me but different from them
private, happy alone with books and thoughts
Mama took me away to Florida and a bed on the couch
to nightmares tossing to rain waking me to wet cushions
and in the morning lawn chairs blown sideways tossed
like discarded tops the pool sparkling bobbing with frogs
old men sagged bony frail in yarmulkes circling the concrete
in madras shorts black socks and sandals waving pale hairy arms
brandishing nets pressed and jostled jockeying
they are yeshiva boys again freed from pilpul and years
freed to some grassy riverbank of imagination near Lodz
"Oh you missed him! You got to hold the net straight!"
while Tessa and me--incredulous kinder--stared at grandfathers
shouting and tossing frogs that hopped across neon lawns
OT
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 17, 2002
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- 893
Some observations. Since the "final" readers of the poem will not compare it to the first, most of my comments may not matter. But since I've been tainted with the first draft ... here is what I see.
original:
In the original, I had the impression that the ambiguous "they" referred to the nice old men and how they felt about this little girl who came to stay in their midst. My (perhaps imagined) connection helped to tie the first stanza with the rest of the poem. The new version doesn't paint that same (very pleasant) image.
The first three lines of the second stanza feel awkward.
I'm sure all the "to's" are intentional and have a flowing feel, but that doesn't stop them from feeling awkward. A quick hack which probably isn't better, but I'll offer it anyway.
Mama took me away to Florida and a bed on a couch
to nightmares tossing in the rain waking me on wet cushions
and in the morning lawn chairs blown sideways tossed
Is the linking of "nightmares tossing" and "sideways tossed" intentional? In the original, it was pretty clear that you had a nightmare. In the new version you are always having nightmares? Is that intentional?
I liked the first three lines of the original third stanza much better than your revision. Yes, I know "argue" and "war" are talk-talk and not show, but since old men really don't go to war, it painted a vivid/humorous picture. If you keep the revised version, maybe something subtle like swapping "brandishing nets" before "waving pale..". Brandishing carries with it more the emotion of "war and argue" that you dropped from the first version and ought to be the lead.
"--incredulous kinder--" seems odd. Not knowing the meaning of kinder (without your explanation) probably didn't help.
while incredulous Tessa and me stared at grandfathers
shouting and tossing frogs hopping across the neon lawn
So there you go... both poems are good, but different ...
original:
new:
In the original, I had the impression that the ambiguous "they" referred to the nice old men and how they felt about this little girl who came to stay in their midst. My (perhaps imagined) connection helped to tie the first stanza with the rest of the poem. The new version doesn't paint that same (very pleasant) image.
The first three lines of the second stanza feel awkward.
I'm sure all the "to's" are intentional and have a flowing feel, but that doesn't stop them from feeling awkward. A quick hack which probably isn't better, but I'll offer it anyway.
Mama took me away to Florida and a bed on a couch
to nightmares tossing in the rain waking me on wet cushions
and in the morning lawn chairs blown sideways tossed
Is the linking of "nightmares tossing" and "sideways tossed" intentional? In the original, it was pretty clear that you had a nightmare. In the new version you are always having nightmares? Is that intentional?
I liked the first three lines of the original third stanza much better than your revision. Yes, I know "argue" and "war" are talk-talk and not show, but since old men really don't go to war, it painted a vivid/humorous picture. If you keep the revised version, maybe something subtle like swapping "brandishing nets" before "waving pale..". Brandishing carries with it more the emotion of "war and argue" that you dropped from the first version and ought to be the lead.
"--incredulous kinder--" seems odd. Not knowing the meaning of kinder (without your explanation) probably didn't help.
while incredulous Tessa and me stared at grandfathers
shouting and tossing frogs hopping across the neon lawn
So there you go... both poems are good, but different ...
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,156
Contrarian
Better watch out darkmaas--that's the first step to becoming a Moyshe Kapoyer.
Well you darn poets can't agree yknow. I'm going to sneak off and make a decision and not tell any of you what it is.
Well maybe Lauren cause she'll bug me till I tell her, lol. Lauren, why do I sometimes feel like we're married? (Not in a conjugal sense, Kate--more like a real marriage haha.)
So there!
Better watch out darkmaas--that's the first step to becoming a Moyshe Kapoyer.
Well you darn poets can't agree yknow. I'm going to sneak off and make a decision and not tell any of you what it is.
Well maybe Lauren cause she'll bug me till I tell her, lol. Lauren, why do I sometimes feel like we're married? (Not in a conjugal sense, Kate--more like a real marriage haha.)
So there!
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