Marriage...bdsm...advice please

[Dyslexicea]

Ng1379

I'm going to start by saying your desires, at this point, aren't what you want, they are what you think you want. Wanting something isn't the same as 'been there done that'. I don't have statistics but my guess is that for most of us with these desires the 'been there done that' just confirms our desires but I'm sure for some the reverse is true 'been there done that' don't ever want to do so again.

You and your husband have an established relationship. My guess, at least from what little you've revealed on this thread, is you have a good relationship and aside from the BDSM sexual aspects of your life you're not dissatisfied with your sex life nor are you dissatisfied with your relationship. You also are content with being the more dominant one in your non sexual relationship.

Could it be that part of your reluctance is that you really don't want your husband to be dominant, that you fear if he becomes dominant in your sex life he'll become dominant in your non sex life as well? Just an observation.

You want to be a 'bossy bottom' in other words a 'dominant bottom' which mean you shouldn't have the problem of losing your role as the dominant partner in your relationship.(Isn't Stella amazing?) In other words he only plays the role of a dominant while you really direct the action, it may even be that he doesn't understand you are still dominant. Personally I think if your husband is at least excepting of BSDM play he fits your needs nicely, where a Dom may not fit at all.

If on the other hand you're like me, not really a 'bossy bottom' or a 'dominant bottom' but wanted it to be all about me, me, me getting what I want, want, want you may find yourself in a situation where you only get the me, me, me when she/he allows it. Not really as frightening as it sounds when she/he really cares a lot about the you, you, you but be mindful you aren't always going to get what you want but that is also a need that fits some of us.

It's what the small 's' means in D/s, it's why some call themselves slaves, it's why some say they are owned or want to be owned. The being a slave, the being owned, the being a submissive isn't really true at all, it is freely giving the gift of your submission to someone else. The truth is it isn't a gift at all, you own it, you can take it away anytime you choose. Tell death do us part or until next week. You own your submission it's yours to give, it's yours to take away.

You really do need to talk this over with your husband but before you do you, it's best to know what you want, how you want this new part of your relationship to work. Is it just sex? Is it D/s 24/7 or D/s but not 24/7? At least than you have a starting point but be prepared for your relationship to go places you never thought possible, to find new needs and desires you didn't know you had. To find things out about yourself and your husband you didn't even know.

Most of all I think you should think about what happens if you do go ahead and your husband can't meet your needs and you find you can't truly be happy without D/s? Is a relationship like ecstaticsub going to work for the two of you? I didn't do any of this, I took a shot in the dark it was only after the fact I considered what could have happened.

 

[Ktime88]

You have no worries, any man would love to hear what the woman he loves ACTUALLY fantasizes about. Go for it

 

[midwestyankee]

You have no worries, any man would love to hear what the woman he loves ACTUALLY fantasizes about. Go for it

You have no way of knowing this, about all men or about the OP's husband individually. She no doubt has good reason to be concerned about how to broach the subject with him. But give her credit for wanting to take that road, tough to navigate as it may be.

 

[Netzach]

I'm sorry, where did I say I was speaking for everyone?

When you start throwing out percentages and implying that women who want to be in charge are the loch ness monster or something, yeah, you're not just speaking for you.

 

[marriedguy4869]

hi there

Its not easy to talk about this to a first timer but you need to be completely open with him tell him wot and how you would like the sex to be and if it just in the bedroom he will listen and understand and hopefully take on board your wishes .. good luck hope all goes well ..ps if you would like to talk from a mans point of view pm me x

 

[VladHarkonnen]

I think you will that the real difficulty in this exceedingly common situation lies in the emotional sensitivity of the male ego. Men grow up in our modern western culture hearing at every point about how they should never be forceful or dominant in any way in regards to women. Few guys make a living tilling the earth, hammering steel or wrangling alligators in favor of sitting in a metrosexual little scarf sipping lattes and working online. Men have very few ways left to feel like real, macho men and end up caught on a treadmill of being only supportive and friendly and sweet with their women, but failing to deliver the old fashion, take charge, caveman style take-what-you-want assertive energy that turns women on.

If you try to get him to change, it's very possible that he will feel hurt and interpret your comments and saying he's not good enough for you or not enough of a man. So the trick is to always use positive reinforcement for the small amount of time he does act in a masculine way. If he is even the tiniest bit rough, swoon and moan and compliment him. Stroke his ego. Work with what you've got. Don't throw out ideas and ask him to do it. But let him come to the conclusion by himself, thinking it is his idea. Men want to be resoected and seen as powerful and capable. A little operant conditioning goes a long way. Even though you want to be submissive and receptive, you may have to break out of your your shell and say things like "Oh fuck baby when you pressed me back and held my arms it made me so wet." This is like heroin to guys. They need some way to feel empowered in this metrosexual world.

Bullshit. This is a gross underestimation of men at best and outright insulting at worst.

Generally speaking, men really don't mind it when their wives say something like, "Hey honey, I have to tell you that Ive been having some really kinky fantasies lately. How do you feel about tying me up? Spanking my ass? Having me call you "Master"? Would it really bother you to grab me by the hair and stuff your cock in my mouth?"

Ng...it sounds like you're hung up on your own ideas of what kind of a man your husband is. Talk to him. Give him a chance. And remember this doesn't have to be a big deal. It doesn't have to be some kind of lifestyle choice. If he goes for it (and I think he will) play with it. If it's something you both enjoy, do it every so often, relax, experiment, play.

 

[oneguy4fun]

I think the best first step is to just talk to him about how you feel. Also try to see it from his point of view and sell him on the benefits to him. What would he like about it? Would he get to see you in any sexy outfit that he wants or maybe it's more frequent sex? Think about what he would like and then try to incorporate that into how you want to be treated.

I experienced the same dilemma a few years ago. I wanted to be dominated and submissive to my wife and have her control my orgasms. I knew she liked to be pampered so I just started offering her massages and even offered to bathe her. Then I finally got up the nerve to confess my feelings. I was so nervous but was surprised at how open she was to the idea. Fast forward several years later and we are in a Female Led Marriage. I never imagined this would be my life.

If you are nervous about talking about it, sharing as story that makes you hot is a good idea. After we talked I would often send her stories or video clips that turned me on to help give her ideas.

Talk to him before your do anything else. If he says no then you have a lot to think about but you have to get it out in the open before you assume anything.

 

[storiesbyemerald]

Ok, where to start.... I've been married for nearly 10 years and love my husband dearly. My husband would do anything for my sexual gratification, but there are things I don't think I can ask him to do. I want to be completely controlled and dominated sexually, problem is my husband is not controlling nor dominant. He is very kind, loving and attentive but I'm typically the dominant one in personality in general. When it comes to sex, I don't want to be in control. I know if I asked him to dominate me, tie me up, spank me etc he would try, but I'm not sure i could take it seriously since that's not really his demeanor and I'm not sure he would be able to pull it off well. I hate to admit, but I am not sexually satisfied. Not that he isn't a great lover, he is, but it's just not how I want it. I'm not sure what to do or how to address it. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any advice on the topic? I've tried to satisfy my desires by reading, watching etc but it doesn't satisfy, only makes me want it more.

I was int he exact relationship you described. We've been together for 6 years though. Everything else is the same. I'm definitely more dominant with the running of the house and such. He tends to let me pick what movie we see, if we go out and eat, I usually get to pick, etc. But I told him about my desires last year and he fell into the new role quite easily. He's more dominant and we play lots now. It can happen; believe me I didn't think it could happen and I was shocked and pleasantly surprised! Have faith!!!

 

[ShelbyNaughtyGirl]

I completely agree with storiesbyemerald. Just tell him. Maybe start with something small that seems less scary "I would like you to try spanking me" and go from there. My poor husband has been conned into trying some strange things because I mention I'm interested and he figured he would try it for me.

You might find you both love it and want to go further or you might find it isn't all you thought it would be and you both decide it's not for you. You'll never know unless you try.

I'm also painfully shy and have a hard time talking about sex, even with my husband so I fully advocate a sexy email or text or send him a link to a story or even a porn clip that has something that excites you in it to test the waters, then just start slow. Good luck!

 

[loneranger8921]

You should make a hard copy of this thread. And give it to him and then make a weekend plan for you to be his willing slave. Tell him what he is available.

 

[s7724]

I am in a very similar situation. I got heaps of advice here and it was good to feel that people were taking my situation seriousely.

I know how hard it is to talk to a partner like yours, mine is very similar. It took me a long time to admit to him what I desired and thought about constantly. The hardest thing for me was that my desires were just that. I had never experienced anything and I told him that I wanted to try things but I wasn't sure if I would really like them due to this. It has been a very slow process for me but you are lucky in the respect that he wants to please you sexually. Go with it and talk to him.
Start slow, I did and it helped me get comfortable talking to him about the rest. I started by asking him if he liked me doing certain things to him, and what he fantasisied about. Ask what things really get him going even if you if know it just gets the talking going. As I said these are things I did, I'm not saying they are best for you only suggestions. All I know is talking is what will get it all out eventually.

After some time of talking and explaining about what I wanted I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, my desires and possibly what I wanted to try. It was good to do this as I got it out without interuptions and explained certain things in explicit detail for him. I did this a long time after we first started talking and I wished I had done it sooner. Try this too if your having a hard time explaining to him in person.

He has tried certain things for me and he has said that he enjoyed them but unfortunately he is not the type of person that can do the things I want for different reasons.

Please don't take that as yours will be the same, he wants to please you sexually so that is a great start. Try and talk to him it really does help.

 

[Jack_ithard]

domination

Some men think that if they be dominant, their women will leave them or cheat them with other gentile partners, so . you have to do the following:

tell him to take you doggy style. and that you prefer that position . Men feel they are dominant in this position even if you do not ask him to be dominant.
tell him to try to fuck you up the ass also in doggy style. Men feel they are dominant when they fuck women's ass doggy style. During the intercourse , tell to spank your ass cheeks.

He will then get used to it by time, so he will be dominant without being asked.
This is the only efficient way. I do not advice to go and look outside. Yes it will be a new experience, but a man can feel that, I don't know how to explain it but men can (sooner or later) feel that their woman is cheating.

good luck , send me the results

 

[KoPilot]

Some men think that if they be dominant, their women will leave them or cheat them with other gentile partners, so . you have to do the following:

tell him to take you doggy style. and that you prefer that position . Men feel they are dominant in this position even if you do not ask him to be dominant.
tell him to try to fuck you up the ass also in doggy style. Men feel they are dominant when they fuck women's ass doggy style. During the intercourse , tell to spank your ass cheeks.

He will then get used to it by time, so he will be dominant without being asked.
This is the only efficient way. I do not advice to go and look outside. Yes it will be a new experience, but a man can feel that, I don't know how to explain it but men can (sooner or later) feel that their woman is cheating.

good luck , send me the results

"Do this thing I want you to do, tell me about it in grueling detail afterward. This is for your own good and has nothing to do with my fap I promise"

 

[burfordt]

Speaking for myself, my partner was into bdsm about a year before me. She started texting my phone with " thoughts". Things like what do I know about this or that. What did I think about this or that. She then would leave her computer on with open bdsm sites. The next thing I know we are joining a club and going to conventions. It has actually brought us much closer in all ways of life. We may not be a far into it as many, but we are having a lot of fun experimenting.

 

[hikingman37]

I completely agree with storiesbyemerald. Just tell him. Maybe start with something small that seems less scary "I would like you to try spanking me" and go from there. My poor husband has been conned into trying some strange things because I mention I'm interested and he figured he would try it for me.

You might find you both love it and want to go further or you might find it isn't all you thought it would be and you both decide it's not for you. You'll never know unless you try.

I'm also painfully shy and have a hard time talking about sex, even with my husband so I fully advocate a sexy email or text or send him a link to a story or even a porn clip that has something that excites you in it to test the waters, then just start slow. Good luck!

Have you read that book, fifty shades of grey? I wonder if that might be a place to start to encourage or excite someone. I haven't read it yet. My wife is very vanilla and submissive. I have to figure out a way to get a copy to her. It would be a happy day if she ever ordered me to strip and slapped my ass, and......