Mentoring

[Georgia Girl]

For me, my Master is my mentor in that I learn from him. Unlearning old habits, relearning things forgotten along the pathway of life and learning things I didn't know existed.

The thing that I wonder about is pairing a mentor and a subject with the same orientation, ie. control, sadism, etc.

 

[eagleyez]

mentor me thru this thai recipe-

and i will gladly reciprocate-

 

[catalina_francisco]

The thing that I wonder about is pairing a mentor and a subject with the same orientation, ie. control, sadism, etc.

Hello Georgia Girl,

Mentoring is done for many reasons, for subs and doms to gain a helping hand in understanding the bright new world BDSM and to give them a hand in sorting out their own feelings.

Having been the mentor to 2 subs and 1 Dom and having been mentored, I can see many advantages if the mentoring is done correctly. The idea of mentoring one that is cut out of the same branch of a tree as yourself is to help them understand their own feelings and help them with any challenge they might encounter. The idea of mentoring is not to force your own values onto another but to be a sounding board and give your mentored the value of your own experiences.

I have found that the most difficult thing to do is to mentor one that is of a different orientation than that of your own. For example being a Dominant I have found that mentoring a sub is extremely difficult. Especially in mentoring one that is very inexperienced, a Dominant can make the mistake of becoming too attached to the sub and safeguards need to be put in place to make sure that the mentor/mentored relationship does not evolve into a more sexual one. It is of the greatest importance that a mentor does not get involved sexually with the one he is mentoring. This is my own opinion of course and there are many groups out there that disagree heavily with me.

There are many BDSM groups that have certain rules and customs which are exactly based on the contrary conception. It is custom for certain groups that the more experienced dominants mentor the newcomers and especially subs are mentored by doms, those doms will treat the mentored as being theirs and hold them in reserve and safeguard them until they have found a more permanent relationship.

It is my feeling that in such circumstances the mentor/mentored relationship can be polluted by self-interest and sexual motives. My advice to any newcomer be it Dom, switch or sub is to find one of equal orientation and to ask them to be their mentor. Mentorship is considered an honour; it is a sign of experience and a sign of coming to a certain maturity in your own orientation. I remember still the proud feeling of being ask to be a mentor my first time and every time I have been asked afterwards have always felt honoured by the request even if in certain cases I have had to decline out of personal circumstances.

Francisco.

 

[Georgia Girl]

Hello Georgia Girl,

Mentoring is done for many reasons, for subs and doms to gain a helping hand in understanding the bright new world BDSM and to give them a hand in sorting out their own feelings.

Francisco.

Thank you for the information. Hopefully this experience is one that everyone can have enrich their lives and help to make their exeriences within the BDSM world that much richer.

 

[le_kinklet]

i have had the pleasure of having 2 different Mentors, the First is still by my side when ever i need Him, and if He is not around His sub often is. The other unfortunately passed away a year ago, She was my guiding light, my answer when no one else had one, my security when i was vulnerable, and she showed me how to love with out predjudice. I did at one time call on both for advice and guidance, and prolly needed then more when i first entered the lifestyle.

i also have a group of what i call my "sub sisters"(all real life), and we mentor each other as well, so i suppose i am well backed up when it comes to support and answers to my questions and i suppose i do a lil mentoring of my own as well. None of these relationships have been sexual, as i find that is counter productive and clouds the judgement of the Dom/mes and sub.

Personally i think all subs should have an independant and experienced Dominant Mentor, to talk things through, basically as a sounding board, and that is not to say you have to take everything they say as gospel, but atleast you can get an objective point of view to base your decision on , what ever that may be!

Mentoring some one can be beneficial to you both, and i would highly recomended it again for the same reasons as above, this type of friendship/relationship can only help each other grow!

Oh and will take the time to thank my Mentor and His sub for being there for me over the past years, and for being the best friends a girl could ever have. Your wisdom and your caring, nurturing nature, you both forever have a place in my heart, just thank you both for being YOU!

 

[~ Emmeline ~]

Hello Georgia Girl,

Mentoring is done for many reasons, for subs and doms to gain a helping hand in understanding the bright new world BDSM and to give them a hand in sorting out their own feelings.

Having been the mentor to 2 subs and 1 Dom and having been mentored, I can see many advantages if the mentoring is done correctly. The idea of mentoring one that is cut out of the same branch of a tree as yourself is to help them understand their own feelings and help them with any challenge they might encounter. The idea of mentoring is not to force your own values onto another but to be a sounding board and give your mentored the value of your own experiences.

I have found that the most difficult thing to do is to mentor one that is of a different orientation than that of your own. For example being a Dominant I have found that mentoring a sub is extremely difficult. Especially in mentoring one that is very inexperienced, a Dominant can make the mistake of becoming too attached to the sub and safeguards need to be put in place to make sure that the mentor/mentored relationship does not evolve into a more sexual one. It is of the greatest importance that a mentor does not get involved sexually with the one he is mentoring. This is my own opinion of course and there are many groups out there that disagree heavily with me.

There are many BDSM groups that have certain rules and customs which are exactly based on the contrary conception. It is custom for certain groups that the more experienced dominants mentor the newcomers and especially subs are mentored by doms, those doms will treat the mentored as being theirs and hold them in reserve and safeguard them until they have found a more permanent relationship.

It is my feeling that in such circumstances the mentor/mentored relationship can be polluted by self-interest and sexual motives. My advice to any newcomer be it Dom, switch or sub is to find one of equal orientation and to ask them to be their mentor. Mentorship is considered an honour; it is a sign of experience and a sign of coming to a certain maturity in your own orientation. I remember still the proud feeling of being ask to be a mentor my first time and every time I have been asked afterwards have always felt honoured by the request even if in certain cases I have had to decline out of personal circumstances.

Francisco.

What are your thoughts on a seasoned Dominant that becomes over-involved with his charge... to the point of love, even if they have not met?

How can a Dominant that is in love r/l partner, love someone that he is mentoring without it interfering with his personal life? Are there truly two different kinds of love at play, or is he being decietful if he withholds the mentoring relationship (and his feelings for the person he is mentoring) from his current partner?

 

[catalina_francisco]

What are your thoughts on a seasoned Dominant that becomes over-involved with his charge... to the point of love, even if they have not met?

How can a Dominant that is in love r/l partner, love someone that he is mentoring without it interfering with his personal life? Are there truly two different kinds of love at play, or is he being deceitful if he withholds the mentoring relationship (and his feelings for the person he is mentoring) from his current partner?

This is all just my opinion. To fall in love persons do not need to meet, the mentor/mentored relationship is one that is very emotional and goes very deep. It is very easy to read something in to the mentor/mentored relationship that is not there, like it is extremely easy for the mentor to abuse his relationship with the mentored.

The first responsibility a mentor has is not to his protégé but to his partner, but his partner also has to understand the responsibility the mentor has taken. I have seen often where the mentor’s partner has interfered in the mentoring process out of a misplaced jealousy. The mentor needs to be extremely honest about what is occurring with the mentored to his partner, IMO honesty is the only way problems can be avoided.

The mentor/mentored relationship can become very close to a parent/ child one, love and respect play a very big part in this. A platonic love which can be very beneficial to both of the parties involved. So I do see a different kind of love possible between the mentor/mentored, however this is not the only love possible between the parties involved. Often the mentor/mentored relationship can evolve to a more sexual one, I think that is the wrong way to go, but I have seen lots of mentors have a sexual relationship with a mentored, sometimes it goes without problems and sometimes it is the start of a nightmare, Again honesty is the key here to avoid a mountain of sorrow.

I do not think it is ever justified to withhold important information from your partner; it is being dishonest and comes very close to cheating.

I also think it is the responsibility of the partner of the mentor in cases where there are possible issues with the mentor to begin a communication where honesty and openness are central.

Francisco.

 

[FungiUg]

What are your thoughts on a seasoned Dominant that becomes over-involved with his charge... to the point of love, even if they have not met?

How can a Dominant that is in love r/l partner, love someone that he is mentoring without it interfering with his personal life? Are there truly two different kinds of love at play, or is he being deceitful if he withholds the mentoring relationship (and his feelings for the person he is mentoring) from his current partner?

Relationships aren't static things. If they are, they tend to fall apart as people change. Things don't stay bound in concrete.

Also, love is not an exclusive emotion. It is possible for many people to love more than one person (poly-amour). The thing I find difficult is not the emotion, but TIME. There's only so much time to go around, and yes, between multiple loves, it can start getting spread a little thin and the relationships suffer.

I don't know about "two different types of love". I suspect there are as many different types of love as there are people in love. It's different every time.

For example, there is no way I could act as a "mentor" to my lover. She is my partner, my friend, my lover -- but I am not her "teacher" per se, and nor is she mine. But I have acted as a "mentor" for a friend, although I don't think that graduated beyond a friendship. Also, there is an element of "mentor" in the relationships I have with submissives we share -- teaching and training them.

 

[lizzie anne]

m-e-n-t-o-r-s?

i personally have fought against this term,.....for a long time, in that i felt i was always in control and there is no one anywhere that can tell me how i feel or think...too many people talk a good game but have no back-up.
now.......now as in recently.......like as in this last week....
"I" discovered a definition that feels-right for ..me..

my idea is someone to vent with/discuss with/listen with/....someone that is a good-sounding-board....

so now i ----can------accept the term mentor now....
i wish i had one way back when......but oh well.....
i made my choices and have NO regrets in life.....
'cept maybe wished i had a real life sister......being the only kid as i am...
may you be in heaven 1/2 hour before the devil knows it

lizzie

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Gentle Nudge

I was thinking of starting a thread on this topic though have just spent the last hour or so reading threads that came up under the BDSM Forum search function. This seemed a equitable starting point should be wish an ongoing repore on the topic of Mentoring. As a side line there are several threads with variations of this topic its been time well invested reading them.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Boy does this thread take me back...

Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

I'd forgotten about this thread. Thanks for the bump Rebecca.

Waves to Eb... HiYa!

I had several excellent mentors here. Desdemona, MissTaken, cellis, Shadowsdream, Eb, even a couple of male Doms... just to name a few. Mentoring is a good thing and more new subs should engage in it. That is of course, if they are serious about being the best submissive they can be. I think so many get involved in the online/on board flirting aspect that they don't really pay attention to what being submissive really entails.

I also think that asking a mentor things is easier sometimes than posting questions on the board. Some people are shy about or afraid of posting questions. If one finds someone they are comfortable with, it can be a good thing. (yea, I'm channeling Martha Stewart.) I think few submissives would refuse to help or mentor new subs... male or female.

Dominants can be good mentors for subs. And most will answer questions and give out advice when asked. I think most are honored to even be considered. I'm thankful for the few Dom/Dommes that I've had the honor to know and have helped me on my journey.

Finding a mentor is really easy. It involves only one PM to someone. Chances are really good that you will not be turned down or away. Of course, as I said, that's provided that you really want the experience and knowledge that comes from someone who's been there first.

Of course, some people think they already have all the answers. And who am I to say they don't?

 

[Isilme]

In reading this thread, I have already gleaned quite a bit of the help that I have been looking for. It was said a few posts back that this web site is its own mentoring tool, and I completely agree with that. I am not exactly new to BD, but not exactly experienced, somewhere in the middle where I know who I am and what I want, and am on the path of discovering this. I joined Lit to find support, information, and hopefully contacts that will guide me in my new path as a Domme to a beautiful sub. Thank you to everyone who has the grace and insight to pass on your experiences and knowledge to those of us who are eager to learn and absorb.

 

[RJMasters]

I'd forgotten about this thread. Thanks for the bump Rebecca.

Waves to Eb... HiYa!

I had several excellent mentors here. Desdemona, MissTaken, cellis, Shadowsdream, Eb, even a couple of male Doms... just to name a few. Mentoring is a good thing and more new subs should engage in it. That is of course, if they are serious about being the best submissive they can be. I think so many get involved in the online/on board flirting aspect that they don't really pay attention to what being submissive really entails.

I also think that asking a mentor things is easier sometimes than posting questions on the board. Some people are shy about or afraid of posting questions. If one finds someone they are comfortable with, it can be a good thing. (yea, I'm channeling Martha Stewart.) I think few submissives would refuse to help or mentor new subs... male or female.

Dominants can be good mentors for subs. And most will answer questions and give out advice when asked. I think most are honored to even be considered. I'm thankful for the few Dom/Dommes that I've had the honor to know and have helped me on my journey.

Finding a mentor is really easy. It involves only one PM to someone. Chances are really good that you will not be turned down or away. Of course, as I said, that's provided that you really want the experience and knowledge that comes from someone who's been there first.

Of course, some people think they already have all the answers. And who am I to say they don't?

I like some of the things you mentioned here. I too am a big fan of mentoring.

I have mentored a few. I think mentoring can have different levels of commitment too. Some consider mentoring a very deeply involved relationship, where as some believe it to be something akin to friendship and providing sound advice or sharing knowledge when needed or asked for.

In the situations where there has been more of a formal relationship set in place, I see these being more one sided in that one is the mentor and the other is the mentee and that's that. However I do find in relationships, especially of the D/s kind, there is a natural flow of mentorship that takes place, and it flows often in both directions. I am sure this is probably true in most relationships.

I tend to take mentorships very seriously as I believe it requires personal investment. A person is looking to you for help or guidiance, if you are willing to give it, there is some levels of responsibility which needs to be accepted.

Mentorship type relationship can spin out of control, so even if it is easy to find someone who is willing to mentor, I think careful consideration should be given in who you ask and that probably goes without saying. In an ideal world sub to sub or dominant to dominant mentor relationships are probably best for many reasons, however in being honest 80% of mentorships I have been a part of have been Dom/submissive.

One last comment....unless mentorship is "part of" a long term relationship between two people...I think mentorships should be entered into with an understanding that the goal is for it to end when the mentee finds their feet and has learned what they desired to learn. This can be done either by defining a set of goals to be achieved or even place an agreed upon time limit on it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I agree with Fransisco and with you, RJ. Mentoring between a Dom and a sub, in the non-romantic sense can become a romantic thing and that's not neccessarily a good thing... (I'll stop Martha Stewarting, I promise.) But I don't think that asking for ocassional advise by a sub from a Dom/me is a bad thing. I think that asking an opinion or for advice on something specific is acceptable. And I do think that MOST Dom/me's would be more than happy to oblige.

That aside, I agree with everything in your post. As you said, in any relationship, we learn from each other... be it friendship or something entirely different. It's an ebb and flow kind of thing, between 2 people. The biggest issue is trust. The mentor and the mentee (is that really a word?) can't enter into this without a great deal of trust in one another.

And I'm going to sleep because I feel myself rambling now...

 

[s_red830]

I have a sub friend who not only is my best on line friend and soon to be real life friend, but she "mentors" me.

She also is involved in some BDSM type communities, on line and off wherein she is mentoring six other women and two novice Doms.

Her guidance, ear and input has been invaluable on a day to day basis.

She doesn't only mentor me, but I have played an important role in her life now as circumstances had a way of dropping her somewhere she didn't expect to be....a widow at 46 yrs.

I have now been asked to play the same role for a lit friend. I am pleased and proud to do so. I hope I can offer her the same benefits as I hve reaped from my friend.

Do you have formal or informal friends who mentor you?

Would you consider a relationship with someone you knew very little about for pursposes of mentoring?

Have you mentored others?

Any advice in either direction?

I'd love to be mentored, and eventually to mentor... I actually love the whole dynamic. It's like a Parent/child thing going on, except with less sensuality (unless, of course, your mentor is also your lover).

 

[RJMasters]

But I don't think that asking for ocassional advise by a sub from a Dom/me is a bad thing. I think that asking an opinion or for advice on something specific is acceptable. And I do think that MOST Dom/me's would be more than happy to oblige.

100% agree

mentee (is that really a word?)

lol I doubt it...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Waves to Eb... HiYa!

Hi back at ya!

Mentoring is a good thing!

 

[FurryFury]

Hi back at ya!

Mentoring is a good thing!

I love the idea of it but have rarely found such a thing in any aspect of my life. Wish I had!

I'm perfectly willing to help others whenever and however I can.

Fury

 

[SirFace]

I would like Eb to "mentor" me for a few hrs. I like the way she thinks.

 

[FurryFury]

I would like Eb to "mentor" me for a few hrs. I like the way she thinks.

I agree she is pretty fantastic, I admire her!

Fury

 

[Ebonyfire]

I would like Eb to "mentor" me for a few hrs. I like the way she thinks.

I am an opinionated dominant, alright, but I have had lots of help. I had two of the best Pro Domme mentors when I started in WA state. And I have learned a lot from the sister of my heart, Shadowsdream.

But the best mentoring comes from the men who have been my submissives and my slave and ex-slave. They have given me a lot, and I have benefited from their service.

Eb