Metre

[Tsotha]

I wrote something yesterday, it's not a good poem but I can use it to show you what I mean about interruption without finalization:

Trees are falling
I notice
only as much as you, until
there is nothing to hide
behind, only
useless stumps and no sprouts,
no green
in a vast barren land.

1 - Trees are falling, I notice.
and
2 - I notice (it) only as much as you, until there is nothing (left) to hide behind (of).

Number 1 says the narrator is aware of the trees falling in the forest. In number 2 the narrator implies that he doesn't care (it's as if the trees weren't falling), because he is modulating his reaction. He only cares when there is nothing left for him to hide himself behind.

The idea is, yet again, "assemble your own poem" / "choose your own meaning".

For completeness, all the sentences I intended:

Trees are falling, I notice.
Trees are falling, (yet) I notice it only as much as you.
I notice it only as much as you, until there is nothing (left) (for me) to hide behind.
There is nothing to hide.
There is nothing to hide — only useless stumps and no sprouts, no green in a vast barren land.
Behind (us), only useless stumps and no sprouts.
No sprouts, no green in a vast barren land.

 

[twelveoone]

Ok, not sure if I'm following you, but I seem to remember something about breathing and the number of syllables.

Answering your question, all the line break does for me is create an interruption, but without the finalization of thought / intent that accompanies a dot, or a comma. It's something I experiment with a lot, mostly without success (I think, since nobody mentions it) — the idea of using an interruption to allow different readings.

In this particular case, the line break puts emphasis on "its head, and mine". Which leads to a different reading.

What I am getting is a kind of parallel structure, but variable readings on the two ends but the first line has 11 symbols, which is only allowed if it is read UPon
Too bad Emp isn't around to set this unrepentant free verser straight.

 

[twelveoone]

I wrote something yesterday, it's not a good poem but I can use it to show you what I mean about interruption without finalization:

Trees are falling
I notice
only as much as you, until
there is nothing to hide
behind, only
useless stumps and no sprouts,
no green
in a vast barren land.

There is much play in the phrase, and it revolves around whether I notice goes forward or backward or both. However to utilize it, you should drop the punctuation elsewhere
until there is nothing to hide behind
only useless stumps and no sprouts
no green
in a vast barren land.

Do you need vast?

 

[Tsotha]

There is much play in the phrase, and it revolves around whether I notice goes forward or backward or both. However to utilize it, you should drop the punctuation elsewhere
until there is nothing to hide behind
only useless stumps and no sprouts
no green
in a vast barren land.

Do you need vast?

No. It's there because brain fart. As always, that came out of writing live. Let's try some minor editing, then.


Trees are falling
I notice
only as much as you
until
there is nothing to hide
behind
only
useless stumps and no sprouts
no green
in a barren land.

Ew. Something is going wrong. My eyes hurt.

 

[butters]

No. It's there because brain fart. As always, that came out of writing live. Let's try some minor editing, then.


Trees are falling
I notice
only as much as you
until
there is nothing to hide
behind
only
useless stumps and no sprouts
no green
in a barren land.

Ew. Something is going wrong. My eyes hurt.

the line that sits awkwardly with me is 'only as much as you' - i get its implications, just it feels off somehow. This is what i'm hearing as i read your lines. Not saying this is the way to write it, only the pictures i'm getting.

Trees fall
mute in peripheral vision
till we're surprised
when nothing's left
for us to hide behind

useless stumps
no sprouts, no green, a
barren, silent land

 

[Tsotha]

That's a good read, butters. I'm trying to write something that "unrolls" — you can use the same words to form different sentences, depending on which way you move (forward, backward) and where you start / finish reading.

The purpose is to imbue duality — hopefully, you can either read that "we're surprised nothing's left", or read that there is no surprise at all, only fake indifference (from the narrator), who does take notice of the trees falling.

Edit: Hopefully, it adds layers to the write, where you can see the narrator is saying one thing, but means another. Whenever I see something without punctuation, I start looking for "unrolls". Angeline uses it, sometimes, and much better than me.

 

[butters]

That's a good read, butters. I'm trying to write something that "unrolls" — you can use the same words to form different sentences, depending on which way you move (forward, backward) and where you start / finish reading.

The purpose is to imbue duality — hopefully, you can either read that "we're surprised nothing's left", or read that there is no surprise at all, only fake indifference (from the narrator), who does take notice of the trees falling.

sorry, i didn't read back more to the longer versions. from the shorter one i miss that sense of duality, feeling only a sense of their apathy being replaced by dull surprise when it's too late. if that helps any.

 

[Tsotha]

It does — means my attempt failed.

 

[butters]

It does — means my attempt failed.

looking back, you were closer to getting across what you wanted with that original line

Trees are falling, I notice