My fiance and lover of more than 4 years just told me she's into BDSM and I'm not.

[AliMohdAyman]

This is very cool - and it points to something I think people miss all the time. It's one thing to consider something sexually from watching porn or reading it or whatever - but it's another thing entirely when you're talking about your living breathing favorite person, or even just a person you like, or a person who turns you on insanely and you might not know well.

Even knowing more or less who I am and what kinky crap turns me on, there's a whole second world of stuff that I love to do and only know I love to do because I tried it with someone who was really really into it. Until that added intensity was part of it all those things were kind of "meh."

Also hurting people, even for sadistic fucks like me, is kind of counterintuitive if you're a well socialized person, even more so if your job is keeping people healthy and out of pain at all costs. You've got some "light side, dark side" dichotomy to work with or work through.

Protip: I would not recommend sticking to only one learning source whatsoever when it comes time to being a top/dominant/biter of boobs. A lot of people have a lot to say, but in this racket there are no legitimate authorities that anyone can agree on. I've listened closely to a few masterful people, but I've always incorporated whatever wisdom made sense to me and from any source. Extra protip: listen to bottoms/slaves/subs talking from experience particularly!

It really is going to take a lot of time trying to separate my idea of pain from the hospital to the fact it is pure pleasure to her, will check out all the resources! Thank you

 

[MastersDelight]

It really is going to take a lot of time trying to separate my idea of pain from the hospital to the fact it is pure pleasure to her, will check out all the resources! Thank you

It is hard. It's something my Master struggled with for a long time. And still struggles with sometimes. He's a kind person and always has been. There's a lot of social conditioning I think men have to get past in order to do any type of impact or pain for their partner. You've grown up being told you should never hit a girl, and that violence in relationships is abuse. Even with information, education and consent, it's hard to get that thought process out of your head. But over time, you'll find a way to rationalize it for yourself. What he does to me I've never considered abuse, he never has and never would do anything that I couldn't handle or didn't want. That trust helps him know he's not abusing me. I hope that made sense...


Ps. Look into giving aftercare and Dom and sub drop. There's more info on sub drop than Dom drop, but it can happen to both parties and our important to know what it is and how to handle it BEFORE you play.
Thread on drop
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=90456

Also read into sub frenzy, there's a recent thread here somewhere that explains what it is and how to deal with it.
Thread on frenzy
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1331812&highlight=frenzy

 

[AliMohdAyman]

It is hard. It's something my Master struggled with for a long time. And still struggles with sometimes. He's a kind person and always has been. There's a lot of social conditioning I think men have to get past in order to do any type of impact or pain for their partner. You've grown up being told you should never hit a girl, and that violence in relationships is abuse. Even with information, education and consent, it's hard to get that thought process out of your head. But over time, you'll find a way to rationalize it for yourself. What he does to me I've never considered abuse, he never has and never would do anything that I couldn't handle or didn't want. That trust helps him know he's not abusing me. I hope that made sense...


Ps. Look into giving aftercare and Dom and sub drop. There's more info on sub drop than Dom drop, but it can happen to both parties and our important to know what it is and how to handle it BEFORE you play.
Thread on drop
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=90456

Also read into sub frenzy, there's a recent thread here somewhere that explains what it is and how to deal with it.
Thread on frenzy
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1331812&highlight=frenzy

Thank you very much, oh wow this is helpful I do not want her to get any depressed afterwards the whole point of this is pleasing her so I doubt I'd have a dom drop anyway but really something to look into

 

[phil_o]

only

and apparently my nails made her bleed from going very hard.

.

Only advice, cut your nails buddy.

Seriously, I hope you can work things out, it sounds like you are both in love, long may it last.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

Only advice, cut your nails buddy.

Seriously, I hope you can work things out, it sounds like you are both in love, long may it last.

Haha will do, thanks!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Protip: I would not recommend sticking to only one learning source whatsoever when it comes time to being a top/dominant/biter of boobs. A lot of people have a lot to say, but in this racket there are no legitimate authorities that anyone can agree on. I've listened closely to a few masterful people, but I've always incorporated whatever wisdom made sense to me and from any source. Extra protip: listen to bottoms/slaves/subs talking from experience particularly!

Yeah, all this.

OP - might be helpful to consider that when you read a medical paper, you can expect that the work has been subject to peer review and, where appropriate, a human-subjects review board. That means that even if it only lists one "author", quite a few other qualified people have looked over it to ensure that it's at least moderately factual and gives evidence for its claims. Peer review isn't perfect (Wakefield etc. etc.) but it's better than nothing.

Books about BDSM aren't subject to the same quality control. Many authors will seek it out voluntarily, and good on them, but they still tend to be getting feedback from like-minded friends. Also, a lot of the content is stuff that's hard to 'prove' through objective methods; even on purely medical stuff like "how dangerous is choking?" the nature of BDSM means it's difficult to get worthwhile data.

And some authors don't give a toss for accuracy, as long as whips and chains will help them sell books. Not all BDSM material should be taken as how-to!

Hence, getting a range of perspectives and taking them all critically - "does this make sense FOR US?" - is perhaps more important here than it would be in your professional context.

(BTW, I do notice your girlfriend listed choking play; I'm not an expert in that area but I'm aware that there is debate about the safety of choking in BDSM, so you may want to search for more info in order for the two of you to make informed choices.)

Every so often we have a "what books are good?" discussion. I think this is the most recent, might be helpful: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1344996

 

[AliMohdAyman]

Yeah, all this.

OP - might be helpful to consider that when you read a medical paper, you can expect that the work has been subject to peer review and, where appropriate, a human-subjects review board. That means that even if it only lists one "author", quite a few other qualified people have looked over it to ensure that it's at least moderately factual and gives evidence for its claims. Peer review isn't perfect (Wakefield etc. etc.) but it's better than nothing.

Books about BDSM aren't subject to the same quality control. Many authors will seek it out voluntarily, and good on them, but they still tend to be getting feedback from like-minded friends. Also, a lot of the content is stuff that's hard to 'prove' through objective methods; even on purely medical stuff like "how dangerous is choking?" the nature of BDSM means it's difficult to get worthwhile data.

And some authors don't give a toss for accuracy, as long as whips and chains will help them sell books. Not all BDSM material should be taken as how-to!

Hence, getting a range of perspectives and taking them all critically - "does this make sense FOR US?" - is perhaps more important here than it would be in your professional context.

(BTW, I do notice your girlfriend listed choking play; I'm not an expert in that area but I'm aware that there is debate about the safety of choking in BDSM, so you may want to search for more info in order for the two of you to make informed choices.)

Every so often we have a "what books are good?" discussion. I think this is the most recent, might be helpful: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1344996

Perfect reply, will definitely take that into consideration, thank you!

 

[CutieMouse]

RE: choking

Beathplay is generally considered "edge play" - the sort of thing one does knowing the risks involved, usually attempting to minimize those risks as much as possible (recognizing there may not be any way to do XYZ 100% safely).

Advice I gave several years ago (2012) in a thread about choking -

Are *you* interested in breath play, or is it one of those things that "she's into" and sounds hawt?

"Breath play" doesn't have to necessarily involve CHOKING. She can hold her breath or wear a corset. Tell her to take a deep breath, then pinch her nose or put the palm of your hand over her mouth. Push a blow job a few seconds longer than necessary, so she has to gasp when she comes up for air. Put a pillowcase (or something similar) over her head to mimic a limitation. Hell, put a pillow over her face for 3 or 4 strokes during sex. There are a million and ten ways to do "breath play" that aren't as dangerous as choking your partner.

Always have a tap out signal (or something to drop/use as a signal).

Educate yourself about the risks, and don't do stuff you're uncomfortable with (no matter how much she says she wants it).

Oh, and that website the OP linked?

 

[SlutAddicted]

This was a very nice thread to read.

As it started I could see familiar elements with unfamiliar details. A man coming to grips with the fact that the love of his life wants something other than what he assumed and with which he was not comfortable. His lady being resistant to discuss the details of why that is not how she feels. But then he realizes that if he loves her he will seek to give her what she desires, not what he thinks she should desire. And with prompting she realizes she has to be who she is and say what she wants without obfuscation.

The above paragraph read in isolation would lead some people to very different perspective. Perhaps a trite Disneyesque version of events that vilified the old school consensus view and glorified the modem accepted reality...... he wanted her to be a stay at home wife while she wanted to work. Not that she wants BDSM and he assumed she wanted the Disney version of Prince Charming.

Kudos to the OP for opening his mind to what she really wants......spank that ass because you love her.

 

[Etoile]

Two things.

1) I'm into thug play. I get punched a lot. Sir punches me all the time. I've had punching scenes with friends. Punching is a regular thing. But when I asked my vanilla boyfriend, who is a black belt in karate, to punch me - he couldn't do it. He knows he can hit, he knows I can take it, but he can't hit ME. It's just not his thing, and that's okay.

2) Sir is into this stuff, and it was hard for him too. Long before we started dating, but he had to look that beast in the mirror at one point. "Don't hit a woman," "don't hit people," "violence is bad," "you shouldn't get off on causing people pain." I don't actually know how he got around that one. But it's something worth working on if you want to. Mind you, I have watched Sir's dick get hard when he's hurting me. So it's not just working around societal programming for someone else's benefit - he likes it.

So yeah, maybe it can be done, maybe it can't - depends on you more than her.

Also, hi Netz, hi CM. <3

 

[Netzach]

Two things.

1) I'm into thug play. I get punched a lot. Sir punches me all the time. I've had punching scenes with friends. Punching is a regular thing. But when I asked my vanilla boyfriend, who is a black belt in karate, to punch me - he couldn't do it. He knows he can hit, he knows I can take it, but he can't hit ME. It's just not his thing, and that's okay.

2) Sir is into this stuff, and it was hard for him too. Long before we started dating, but he had to look that beast in the mirror at one point. "Don't hit a woman," "don't hit people," "violence is bad," "you shouldn't get off on causing people pain." I don't actually know how he got around that one. But it's something worth working on if you want to. Mind you, I have watched Sir's dick get hard when he's hurting me. So it's not just working around societal programming for someone else's benefit - he likes it.

So yeah, maybe it can be done, maybe it can't - depends on you more than her.

Also, hi Netz, hi CM. <3

Hey there

I've played with multiple people into 1. healthcare and 2. martial arts and both of those things have some boundaries that can kind of make painplay a little "different."

Plus, to be fair, if someone wanted me to sit and do 3 hours of Adobe Illustrator so they can get off on that, I'd be kind of bored out of my mind - if it's too close to work or what you do every day anyway, it could just be really really hard to find sexy, let alone have good boundaries around it. That's totally OK!

When I was prodomming where anything that really got my genitals involved was where the boundary was in a huge way, my play at home got WAY more directly sexual - if it starts to feel like you're mentally going to the office in some way, change your context.

 

[Netzach]

RE: choking

Beathplay is generally considered "edge play" - the sort of thing one does knowing the risks involved, usually attempting to minimize those risks as much as possible (recognizing there may not be any way to do XYZ 100% safely).

Advice I gave several years ago (2012) in a thread about choking -

This is a great post, and applies to pretty much most painplay. You only have to ramp it up to the point where the other person is super excited - with a few highly experienced highly masochistic exceptions, where they are in theory far exceeds their actual tolerances.

 

[Etoile]

Hey there

I've played with multiple people into 1. healthcare and 2. martial arts and both of those things have some boundaries that can kind of make painplay a little "different."

Sir's Ma'am is a health care professional. I will have to chat with her sometime about how that impacts her play...

 

[AliMohdAyman]

Sir's Ma'am is a health care professional. I will have to chat with her sometime about how that impacts her play...

Would love to hear her answer!

 

[SpunThings]

It really is going to take a lot of time trying to separate my idea of pain from the hospital to the fact it is pure pleasure to her, will check out all the resources! Thank you

Here's a perspective from another masochist. It's important to separate the difference between hurt and harm. There are a lot of things that people pursue that are painful, but not harmful. It may be harder for you to make that separation being in the medical field, but here goes...

Childbirth is painful for a lot of women, but that pain does not indicate any harm is happening. Sure bad stuff can happen in childbirth, but the level of pain isn't an indicator of problems. Also I'll include menstrual cramps in there. Pain that is not harmful that women regularly experience.

Then there are serious runners. Some of them really push themselves to the point where they are in some pain, and their bodies and brains are screaming at them to stop. Then if they can push through that they can experience a runner's high. Frankly to me it sounds horribly painful and unpleasant. No thanks, says this masochist. Yet some people love it.

Then comes the muscle soreness after a good workout. Sure it might be recommended to not TRY to get those sore muscles, but it is not usually an indication of any harm. Just a sign that your muscles have worked hard.

How many people like intensely hot baths or showers, to the point where it makes their skin sting a bit? It may be a bit painful, but there's no harm.

There's a level of risk in all the things I mentioned above, but that's also true in BDSM. People choose to take risks with their bodies all the time. Hell, we take a risk with our bodies when we get in the car and get on the road, and there's no (physical) pain involved. It's about measured risk, and for some people the payoff makes it worth it. Also, some people have a need for more sensory stimulation than most, or their brains are wired to process pain differently.

Our culture teaches us that all pain is bad, and I've learned this is not true. Pain CAN be an indicator that we need to be more alert, and take care because something has gone wrong. However, pain is just a sensation, and is not always an indication that something has gone wrong.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

Here's a perspective from another masochist. It's important to separate the difference between hurt and harm. There are a lot of things that people pursue that are painful, but not harmful. It may be harder for you to make that separation being in the medical field, but here goes...

Childbirth is painful for a lot of women, but that pain does not indicate any harm is happening. Sure bad stuff can happen in childbirth, but the level of pain isn't an indicator of problems. Also I'll include menstrual cramps in there. Pain that is not harmful that women regularly experience.

Then there are serious runners. Some of them really push themselves to the point where they are in some pain, and their bodies and brains are screaming at them to stop. Then if they can push through that they can experience a runner's high. Frankly to me it sounds horribly painful and unpleasant. No thanks, says this masochist. Yet some people love it.

Then comes the muscle soreness after a good workout. Sure it might be recommended to not TRY to get those sore muscles, but it is not usually an indication of any harm. Just a sign that your muscles have worked hard.

How many people like intensely hot baths or showers, to the point where it makes their skin sting a bit? It may be a bit painful, but there's no harm.

There's a level of risk in all the things I mentioned above, but that's also true in BDSM. People choose to take risks with their bodies all the time. Hell, we take a risk with our bodies when we get in the car and get on the road, and there's no (physical) pain involved. It's about measured risk, and for some people the payoff makes it worth it. Also, some people have a need for more sensory stimulation than most, or their brains are wired to process pain differently.

Our culture teaches us that all pain is bad, and I've learned this is not true. Pain CAN be an indicator that we need to be more alert, and take care because something has gone wrong. However, pain is just a sensation, and is not always an indication that something has gone wrong.

Beautifully written thank you so much! Will always keep that in mind.