My Transgender Awakening

[Gi_Venus]

Okay this is just variations on a theme. Lol I am at once delighted and freaked out. My breasts have gotten big enough that I cannot hide them....I have sports bras but you can tell I am wearing a bra when I am wearing them so.....whats the difference? Why would I want to hide them? To not rub my transition in everyones face and really why should that matter? Baggy clothing or clothing that fits....dammint...lol I have tits. I cannot hide anymore... Time to go out and buy some frilly things and just celebrate my bod. This coming year will be very interesting.
Boobs are us and ain't they a dandy!

 

[Gi_Venus]

My therapist says I should be enjoying myself...lol of course he says I should listen to the adult not the adolescent. "time to crawl from under your rock"
Perhaps I will go shopping for some more clothes.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I have been talking about my emerging form in recent postings. I found this recent photo of me that is demonstrative of my emerging hourglass shape.
http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/P1010167aresized.jpg

 

[Gi_Venus]

Moody and somewhat defiant, starting to wear tighter clothing...*grin* not quite as tight as above..... Really let them get over it.... this is not something that just goes away.....certainly I am not a 20 year old honey but still..I like to feel good about myself, I do not have to feel shame. Doc thinks skin patches may work better for me, now that my blood results were good I am anticipating a more consistent estrogen level in my body. Body hair and such have receded quite well but there are places that are being stubborn.... A good friend of mine was trying to reassure me about that."Gianna, I know a lot of women that are hairer than you!" *sigh* Aren't obsessions fun?

 

[Tymeless]

Looking good girl. Yes the obsessions are fun rofl.

hang in there girl i'm only a few months away from living full time myself.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Looking good girl. Yes the obsessions are fun rofl.

hang in there girl i'm only a few months away from living full time myself.

Lol Why thank you Tiffany

 

[Gi_Venus]

dark moods tonight, the only comfort is pampering, a shower, plucking eyebrows...makeup, I look nice and smell nice.....sigh...no date.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Aahhh.....*grin* a wonderful week, had my first experience of passing to everyone.....a store full of people and I was just a woman....then the next day I did not have makeup on or feminine attire and I still got mamed by the butcher...bless his heart. Sigh! Perhaps some of it is poise and demeanor...but I could not resist going to buy some more clothes....um....too tight again...lol a subconscious compulsion no doubt. I need to order some custom bras....how? I have not a clue...I think I know how to measure myself...that is around the chest across the boobs and then a measurement right below the boobs....but that is about the extent of my knowledge. What is interesting is that my nipples are poking out all over the place...I am not an exhibitionist...well I used not to be.....but having my nips poking out at my mother is not the style I want...lol Now I know most people do not mind boobage and probably it is okay most of the time...but I deal with conservative types sometimes through my day....sigh.

 

[Gi_Venus]

More conflict with my sister, she is unable to accept that the me now is the real me and the me she knew before was the pseudo me, she hates a fem version of me and confronts me at any little expression.

More happy stuff, went to the post office and had to present my ID even with my male name in front of him the clerk mamed me...*grin* now that is a happy moment. The next couple of weeks will have me changing my male name to my new female one. It will mean changing IDs and documents.
My new female name will be Gianna Georgia... Gigi for short.

 

[Tymeless]

that is awesome to hear about you being mammed. If i start presenting myself like a woman i would get mamed i think but its still good to hear.

 

[Gi_Venus]

that is awesome to hear about you being mammed. If i start presenting myself like a woman i would get mamed i think but its still good to hear.

it used to be occasional now it is the norm and occasionally I get sired. Even when dressed in male clothing I get mamed.

 

[Tymeless]

it used to be occasional now it is the norm and occasionally I get sired. Even when dressed in male clothing I get mamed.

its occassional here. I guess the only reason i don't get maamed as much as i should is probably because i wear my hair in a ponytail usually and my facial hair growth is clear in just a couple hours still *pouts*. But it always feels good to be maamed

 

[Gi_Venus]

its occassional here. I guess the only reason i don't get maamed as much as i should is probably because i wear my hair in a ponytail usually and my facial hair growth is clear in just a couple hours still *pouts*. But it always feels good to be maamed

*hugs* My face is always raw....I shave it multiple times a day to keep my skin looking smooth. You are not that far behind me dear. In a few months it will be the norm for you too. Lol it does feel good. It is amazing just the changes a few months can make sometimes. I am going to a PFLAG meeting tomorrow night, they have not seen me in a couple of months...it will be fun.

 

[Gi_Venus]

My mothers words of rejection have me writhing in pain....total rejection of my transgenderism and state of being.....and ugly words say I will never be pretty as a woman......saying she would rather die than to see me in a dress.
Despite the fact I am telling her that this is me.. and this is one of the things that makes me happy is to be myself. This is an old tune...her rejection of me and who I am....mortal wound continually opened.....I wish I could just hate her....she is so mean in her egocentric universe.

 

[Tymeless]

I wish you could hate her to so you could ease your pain.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I wish you could hate her to so you could ease your pain.

Thank you Tiffany, it is her dysfunction. Hate is bad for the spirit sometimes it seems it would help. But it consumes one as much as the one hated.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I'm in awe of your bravery Gigi. I'm sorry that you are going through pain but also glad that there are those moments of light in this time of transition for you. You have a strength that will get you through this.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Got my test results back of my testosterone levels.... the average woman has a reading of 50 to 75 of testosterone. My reading is less than 10...not readable apparently. My doctor was puzzled and kept asking me..."are you sure you are feeling alright?" Yes..I said, "hmmm?! your energy levels should be down with such low levels. You must be an anomaly" The ideal reading for transformation is around 25. My doctor's theory is that I fried my testicles with an antiandrogen while I was self medicating before I started using him. Wooo hooo!

 

[Gi_Venus]

I'm in awe of your bravery Gigi. I'm sorry that you are going through pain but also glad that there are those moments of light in this time of transition for you. You have a strength that will get you through this.

*hugs* Thank you Ivy I am having more and more light moments to offset the dark. LOL I do not feel as if I have strength sometimes....this morning was pretty awful. Strength comes from lucid moments, where you stand at the edge of the precipice and know that you have balance for your thoughts are your own and no one can pervert you. *grin* like my mother did to me this morning. Now in this instance, she has no power.

 

[YourCaptor]

Wake me up

Hi, this is my first time in this part of lit land, and I am very curious about transgendered people, or people going though the transgender process. I don’t even know ho to use the term. That’s exactly the problem, I know embarrassingly little about TG, and I’m sick of it. However I don’t have any TG friends… that I know off, Hmm but I think they would tell me… eh, I think… ???

I have read up a lot on the web, but there is still much confusion. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those that says you are wrong because I don’t understand it, I’m here to learn.

I think much of my confusion stems from the fact that I don’t see much difference between males and females as in how to treat them or in how they should act. There are of course plenty of physical differences; after all, all humans are created differently, but I don’t believe that qualifies for them to be treated differently, unless they specifically give consent.

I view the things culturally associated with males and females as ways of defining yourself chosen by the majority to be normal. However I don’t believe much of culture would come naturally to either men or women if they where not conditioned to fit into it.

Therefore the problem is, the definition culturally associative with men is not masculine, neither is the cultural definition of a women feminine. In fact I believe true masculine and feminine characteristics have a lot more in common then they have different. I do not see a way in which someone could be born into the wrong body.

I get cross dressers, I even get transvestites, but I do not understand transsexuality, I get the first two because they are choices, transsexuality however is not.

Now again, I’m not saying you are wrong, I’m sure you know a hell of a lot more about this then I do, but I don’t understand it, please try to wake me up, open my eyes.

How do you know if you are feminine or masculine, and how do you decide which cultural traditions you believe are feminine or masculine?

 

[Gi_Venus]

Hi, this is my first time in this part of lit land, and I am very curious about transgendered people, or people going though the transgender process. I don’t even know ho to use the term. That’s exactly the problem, I know embarrassingly little about TG, and I’m sick of it. However I don’t have any TG friends… that I know off, Hmm but I think they would tell me… eh, I think… ???

I have read up a lot on the web, but there is still much confusion. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those that says you are wrong because I don’t understand it, I’m here to learn.

I think much of my confusion stems from the fact that I don’t see much difference between males and females as in how to treat them or in how they should act. There are of course plenty of physical differences; after all, all humans are created differently, but I don’t believe that qualifies for them to be treated differently, unless they specifically give consent.

I view the things culturally associated with males and females as ways of defining yourself chosen by the majority to be normal. However I don’t believe much of culture would come naturally to either men or women if they where not conditioned to fit into it.

Therefore the problem is, the definition culturally associative with men is not masculine, neither is the cultural definition of a women feminine. In fact I believe true masculine and feminine characteristics have a lot more in common then they have different. I do not see a way in which someone could be born into the wrong body.

I get cross dressers, I even get transvestites, but I do not understand transsexuality, I get the first two because they are choices, transsexuality however is not.

Now again, I’m not saying you are wrong, I’m sure you know a hell of a lot more about this then I do, but I don’t understand it, please try to wake me up, open my eyes.

How do you know if you are feminine or masculine, and how do you decide which cultural traditions you believe are feminine or masculine?

Hello Your captor I think this article probably will explain it better than I could.
http://doctorbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp
Gender Identity is something that can only truly be determined by the individual. I see what you mean how culturally people define themselves as one or the other and it is a mistake that Transgendered make themselves, the obsession with "feminization" My therapist stresses to me that the cultural aspects of it are very little of what is needed in the act of transition, that it is a awakening of self, which in my case it is female..... There are psychological characteristics attributed to "female" brain and "male" brain someone who is transgendered is one who is matched in the wrong body. How does one know? In my case the realization is the discomfiture I found through out life of acting in the male role and in male activities.....things that a male would normally find pleasure in always like a bad fit of clothing...an uneasiness....things like...picking up a baby nephew and wishing desparately I could nurture and breast feed him.(lol this really freaked me out that I had such feelings) I have never been a truly "fem" individual by cultural definitions and when transition is complete I may not be then. *smile* the thought pleases me though. Truly we are a blend of characteristics of male and female some more one way or the other....my therapists theory is that the human race is evolving towards androgeny where exaggerated gender traits become less of the norm.

What is interesting is that for me it was there all along, for instance in discussing how I hated violent macho movies these days with my ex, she informed me...."you have always hated them, I never would have seen so many chic flicks if you had not picked them out" *grin* my memory has a consenus in our selection but it is true, I was the one who always cried in them.

 

[YourCaptor]

Hello Your captor I think this article probably will explain it better than I could.
http://doctorbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp
Gender Identity is something that can only truly be determined by the individual. I see what you mean how culturally people define themselves as one or the other and it is a mistake that Transgendered make themselves, the obsession with "feminization" My therapist stresses to me that the cultural aspects of it are very little of what is needed in the act of transition, that it is a awakening of self, which in my case it is female..... There are psychological characteristics attributed to "female" brain and "male" brain someone who is transgendered is one who is matched in the wrong body. How does one know? In my case the realization is the discomfiture I found through out life of acting in the male role and in male activities.....things that a male would normally find pleasure in always like a bad fit of clothing...an uneasiness....things like...picking up a baby nephew and wishing desparately I could nurture and breast feed him.(lol this really freaked me out that I had such feelings) I have never been a truly "fem" individual by cultural definitions and when transition is complete I may not be then. *smile* the thought pleases me though. Truly we are a blend of characteristics of male and female some more one way or the other....my therapists theory is that the human race is evolving towards androgeny where exaggerated gender traits become less of the norm.

What is interesting is that for me it was there all along, for instance in discussing how I hated violent macho movies these days with my ex, she informed me...."you have always hated them, I never would have seen so many chic flicks if you had not picked them out" *grin* my memory has a consenus in our selection but it is true, I was the one who always cried in them.

The only real gender commonalities that I have noticed between all cultures, is that woman do the majority of, and most of the simple chores, while men do specialized things. This is supported by differences we have noticed in male and female brain function, as in males focusing on specific things while women multitask. The women are also usually in charge of childrearing, at least while the child is still young. In my opinion, those are the only true masculine and feminine characteristics, and even they can very drastically differ from person to person. All other things are in the middle and come down to a persons individual personality.

The thing that most intrigued me is when you mentioned that you have a desire to nurse a child. I have a question for you about that, what is your self-image like, do you picture yourself as a women?

As for the web site you linked, and the androgeny theory, I really don’t see much credit in it. Its too neat, you cannot box people in such a manor. While it does make a few interesting points, it is far too generalizing.

The whole phallocentric theory on men being naturally dominant to women in my opinion is a big load of crap too. As you may have noticed I like BDSM, and I can tell you there are plenty of dominant women and submissive men. The only thing that I can guess would give men the extra push to become dominant in almost all societies is that men have more upper body strength, and in sex the man penetrates the women. Even so, there is one matriarchy left in this world, here’s a link to a video, it really is very interesting.

If I sound like I am discrediting you, let me assure you that is not my intension. In order for me to learn something I have to question everything about it. However even though I still don’t quite understand it, you do have my support. I know that what you feel must be real, and so I would never stand against your decisions.

 

[Gi_Venus]

The only real gender commonalities that I have noticed between all cultures, is that woman do the majority of, and most of the simple chores, while men do specialized things. This is supported by differences we have noticed in male and female brain function, as in males focusing on specific things while women multitask. The women are also usually in charge of childrearing, at least while the child is still young. In my opinion, those are the only true masculine and feminine characteristics, and even they can very drastically differ from person to person. All other things are in the middle and come down to a persons individual personality.

The thing that most intrigued me is when you mentioned that you have a desire to nurse a child. I have a question for you about that, what is your self-image like, do you picture yourself as a women?

As for the web site you linked, and the androgeny theory, I really don’t see much credit in it. Its too neat, you cannot box people in such a manor. While it does make a few interesting points, it is far too generalizing.

The whole phallocentric theory on men being naturally dominant to women in my opinion is a big load of crap too. As you may have noticed I like BDSM, and I can tell you there are plenty of dominant women and submissive men. The only thing that I can guess would give men the extra push to become dominant in almost all societies is that men have more upper body strength, and in sex the man penetrates the women. Even so, there is one matriarchy left in this world, here’s a link to a video, it really is very interesting.

If I sound like I am discrediting you, let me assure you that is not my intension. In order for me to learn something I have to question everything about it. However even though I still don’t quite understand it, you do have my support. I know that what you feel must be real, and so I would never stand against your decisions.

The thing that most intrigued me is when you mentioned that you have a desire to nurse a child. I have a question for you about that, what is your self-image like, do you picture yourself as a women?

My reality has been....but I am a man I cannot be a woman and so for the longest time I would not allow myself to think of myself as such, so the idea of a man breastfeeding a child..is bizarre and weird......I would not allow myself the luxury to see myself in the context of "woman" I was always combating the natural way of being for me. Now I do see myself as a woman, it does some very interesting things, it releases me from the social dynamics of being male in behavior, this takes me out of a competitive mindset...that of assessment and comparison...I am just..me..not someone who must vie in the biological playground of Pseudo courtship or alpha male antics..these are exaggerations to illustrate better but are present in the world...some can color them plainly as ego or whatever label. The effects of hormones does weaken the body through the loss of muscle mass so I am more vulnerable as well, and I must be aware of that difference... I am no longer strong. I am more fearful, one of the key things my therapist has warned me and keeps warning about is to learn to fear men and rightfully so for the reasons I have listed. As a woman, I cannot intimidate as I once did. I have always been mild, as it is my nature, but I did learn to act aggressive in appearance to prevent aggression against me and this no longer is possible. This brings about a whole mindset that one would call cautionary and skittish. I am learning to be wary.
One thing I really do not know is how "fem" I am, this I will discover as I allow my true self to dominate more and more.

If I sound like I am discrediting you, let me assure you that is not my intension. In order for me to learn something I have to question everything about it. However even though I still don’t quite understand it, you do have my support. I know that what you feel must be real, and so I would never stand against your decisions.

Thank you for your support I did not perceive your inquiry as hostile What you might find interesting is that it is a D/s relationship that brought me to my realization about myself. I was never attracted to that lifestyle until I met a woman here at LIT who shook my reality, I was submissive to her and I really could not understand it.....but it was natural.... it did not work for her(she was a switch and need to be dominated as well) and we drifted apart but the experience was so profound it allowed me deep honest appraisal of myself and I realized that I was a woman.....in retrospect it is all there through the years...with all the suppressed thoughts and feelings but for her I would still be a dysfunctional male probably.

 

[YourCaptor]

My reality has been....but I am a man I cannot be a woman and so for the longest time I would not allow myself to think of myself as such, so the idea of a man breastfeeding a child..is bizarre and weird......I would not allow myself the luxury to see myself in the context of "woman" I was always combating the natural way of being for me. Now I do see myself as a woman, it does some very interesting things, it releases me from the social dynamics of being male in behavior, this takes me out of a competitive mindset...that of assessment and comparison...I am just..me..not someone who must vie in the biological playground of Pseudo courtship or alpha male antics..these are exaggerations to illustrate better but are present in the world...some can color them plainly as ego or whatever label. The effects of hormones does weaken the body through the loss of muscle mass so I am more vulnerable as well, and I must be aware of that difference... I am no longer strong. I am more fearful, one of the key things my therapist has warned me and keeps warning about is to learn to fear men and rightfully so for the reasons I have listed. As a woman, I cannot intimidate as I once did. I have always been mild, as it is my nature, but I did learn to act aggressive in appearance to prevent aggression against me and this no longer is possible. This brings about a whole mindset that one would call cautionary and skittish. I am learning to be wary.
One thing I really do not know is how "fem" I am, this I will discover as I allow my true self to dominate more and more.

Honestly I think women are actually more competitive then men are. While males will yell at each other and throw a few punches, women will go for all out mental warfare, such as social isolation, implanting seeds of doubt and self-demeaning thoughts. I would much rather get into a fist fight then mental games. Oh and by the way, if you learn how to fight, strength really only plays a minor roll. The only real advantage strength will get you in a fight is that if you get a clear shot they are out cold, bulky muscle helps absorb certain hits as well, but after that lots of muscle only has draw backs.

Hmm, ok, I’m gonna try and go in the opposite direction here, and this is all talking about male to female situations for sake of simplicity. Until now I have been looking at all this similarly to crossdressers and transvestites, in that they chose to put on a female persona for whatever reason. However transgenderd individuals are suppose to have put on a male persona for whatever reason and now want to remove it, correct?

Then, my question is, can you recall when you learned to be a male? Why did you do it, and why so completely? Why can’t a TG live as herself with the handicap of being in the wrong body?

No offense, I realize this sounds a lot like, why can’t gays just chose to be straight, but why mask yourself so completely, was their no other way?

 

[Tymeless]

:

Then, my question is, can you recall when you learned to be a male? Why did you do it, and why so completely? Why can’t a TG live as herself with the handicap of being in the wrong body?

No offense, I realize this sounds a lot like, why can’t gays just chose to be straight, but why mask yourself so completely, was their no other way?

I'll take a shot at answering your question here. Society expects things from everyone and it takes a lot of strength and courage to stand up to what is expected and tell the world otherwise. There is a fear in us from a very young age. Most transgenders are highly intelligent and know from that ultra young age what is accepted as a male and what is accepted as a female. We fit into the role of our birth gender to not make waves. After awhile we begin to deny what we really are and fit into that gender role completely but we are never happy. As time goes on we have begin to accept who we are the person but then we realize that society will always treat anyone that looks like a man as a man and treat someone that looks like a woman as a woman.

That plays into our desires a little bit but also its all an attempt to correct the feeling of wrongness not to fit into society but to fit in and feel comfortable in our own skin. At least thats what it is in my case. I could live in a male body but I'll never be happy in a male body even if the whole world treated me as a female. I'll never feel like a female until my body is physically female as it can get and even then I'll desire that I could get my dna changed to XX chromosome and so on and so forth. I hope that all makes it make some sense.