My wife is a sub - I need advice

[callinectes2]

Funnily enough I nearly explicitly made the point about not just doing what she wanted as that would make me the real sub, but hoped that my post already made that clear.

As for your other point, that is one I am interested to hear other opinions on.

I get off on giving pleasure, but I don't see that as inconsistent with being dom, whereas from what you said, I guess you do. What appeals to me is being in charge of the action, and pushing the boundaries of comfort far enough that she is at the same time wanting me to stop but desperate for more. I guess what I am saying is that I am looking for a psychological response more than a physical. I am sure my tastes and desires will change over time, but for now that is what excites me about this scene. It doesn't excite me to think about whipping her. But to watch her face as she absorbs the pain, and then looks up at me with a mixture of fear and longing, that pushes all my buttons. One thing I am clear on at the moment us that I am not sadistic. While I am sure for some people that would be a dealbreaker, I don't think it rules me out of being dom does it?

Hmm, I wouldn't go to far out on the "I'm not a sadist" ledge. The sentence I bolded above screams sadist to me. I mean that in a good way! Maybe the label bothers you?

Edited to add: I didn't read the entire thread before posting. Congrats on your success last night!

 

[McNoob]

Hmm, I wouldn't go to far out on the "I'm not a sadist" ledge. The sentence I bolded above screams sadist to me. I mean that in a good way! Maybe the label bothers you?

I think it is more my interpretation of the term than any specific fear of the label. I have always interpreted sadist to mean "takes pleasure in inflicting pain", whereas I was describing myself as "takes pleasure in watching the reaction to pain". Perhaps this still for a under the sadist umbrella? My guess that it doesn't was because the pain is secondary. I get a similar kick from sensation play.

Edited to add: I didn't read the entire thread before posting. Congrats on your success last night!

Thanks

 

[satindesire]

Have you read "The New Topping Book"?

http://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-B...V5DW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1303323684&sr=8-2

Another really good resource on your journey.

 

[ImOnIt]

I think it is more my interpretation of the term than any specific fear of the label. I have always interpreted sadist to mean "takes pleasure in inflicting pain", whereas I was describing myself as "takes pleasure in watching the reaction to pain". Perhaps this still for a under the sadist umbrella? My guess that it doesn't was because the pain is secondary. I get a similar kick from sensation play.



Thanks

I for one prefer fear or expectation of pain, even if very little is delivered. I guess that is somewhere near sadism.

 

[Skorpion49]

Way to go!

Excellent McNoob, you are getting there! What pushes your buttons pushes mine and I am no sadist either. It does not count as sadism when you are actually pleasing someone now does it?

 

[Pleasure_Fan]

Excellent McNoob, you are getting there! What pushes your buttons pushes mine and I am no sadist either. It does not count as sadism when you are actually pleasing someone now does it?

Ummm... I'm pretty sure it does. Just as masochism still counts as masochism if someone feels the pain, even though it is pleasing them. That does, by definition, "count". Otherwise it's the short or long end of the stick labeled abuse.

 

[Skorpion49]

Bothered

Hmm, I wouldn't go to far out on the "I'm not a sadist" ledge. The sentence I bolded above screams sadist to me. I mean that in a good way! Maybe the label bothers you?

Ummm... I'm pretty sure it does. Just as masochism still counts as masochism if someone feels the pain, even though it is pleasing them. That does, by definition, "count". Otherwise it's the short or long end of the stick labeled abuse.

Sorry for jumping in again on McNoobs thread, I have to admit I slipped up. Clearly I am a sadist. Or was it Dom? Or Top? Or a Nazi? Any difference? I think so. I am aware of the roots of the word "Sade"ist, but sorry, folks, where I come from they just aren't thinking of kinky sex when they say sadist. They probably wouldn't know what a nihilist is either.

 

[SnappyPepper]

McNoob, your wife is a lucky woman! Just the fact that you are open to her needs/desires and trying to fulfill them is huge.

I am greatly enjoying this thread...I'm in a relationship that is so amazing, but I have submissive desires and that's not something my partner has experience with. He is willing to learn though, and he does have dominant tendencies in many ways, so I don't think it will feel forced or fake. For now we are starting out with playing around with rough sex, and baby steps....sometimes he will choose my outfit and request that I don't wear panties, etc. He is a very sexual guy, creative and willing to try anything to please me. I plan on sharing with him just how much of a turn on the psychological aspect is. Fortunately, he and I can talk about anything and everything very easily, which is something I wasn't able to do in some of my previous relationships.

 

[McNoob]

McNoob, your wife is a lucky woman! Just the fact that you are open to her needs/desires and trying to fulfill them is huge.

I am greatly enjoying this thread...I'm in a relationship that is so amazing, but I have submissive desires and that's not something my partner has experience with. He is willing to learn though, and he does have dominant tendencies in many ways, so I don't think it will feel forced or fake. For now we are starting out with playing around with rough sex, and baby steps....sometimes he will choose my outfit and request that I don't wear panties, etc. He is a very sexual guy, creative and willing to try anything to please me. I plan on sharing with him just how much of a turn on the psychological aspect is. Fortunately, he and I can talk about anything and everything very easily, which is something I wasn't able to do in some of my previous relationships.

Thanks SP. I am lucky too, to have someone who I can play with as I explore a side of my sexuality that I had suppressed and only discovered through her. We are also able to talk about anything, and I think that is key when getting started.

We are still learning together, and have only scratched the surface so far, but I have really enjoyed the things I have done to her and watching her reactions. Like you, for us the psychological side of things is hugely important, but perhaps also the hardest. I am sure with time that will become the easiest and most powerful aspect though.

So far we have concentrated on me doing things to her. I think our next step will be for her to pleasure me. Hopefully I will get a chance to draw up some instructions for her today so that we can start to rectify that tonight

 

[SlapNTickle4Me]

Thanks SP. I am lucky too, to have someone who I can play with as I explore a side of my sexuality that I had suppressed and only discovered through her. We are also able to talk about anything, and I think that is key when getting started.

We are still learning together, and have only scratched the surface so far, but I have really enjoyed the things I have done to her and watching her reactions. Like you, for us the psychological side of things is hugely important, but perhaps also the hardest. I am sure with time that will become the easiest and most powerful aspect though.

So far we have concentrated on me doing things to her. I think our next step will be for her to pleasure me. Hopefully I will get a chance to draw up some instructions for her today so that we can start to rectify that tonight

McNoob & SnappyPepper,

While I am 50 yrs old I did not truly acknowledge my submissive needs until approximately 18 months ago. They were 'drawn' from me by a man I met online that in turns out was a Dom (Dominant/Master) living within the lifestyle but not currently with a sub (submissive). We forged a strong bond which I eventually ended as I was looking for a real life scenario.

One of the biggest favors he did for me was providing me a link to a website that answered MANY, MANY questions for me regarding what a D/s relationship entailed and what elements made one strong and lasting. I am providing it to you and anyone else who reads this thread. It has some great information, a library, even separate lounges for Doms/Domme, and subs to meet & hold discussions. I hope it offers some assistance in your journeys.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/

 

[xperia2995]

Maybe you should begin seeing some videos ( probably the ones that your wife likes ) this might help you get the 'dom' behavior that she wants.

All the best anyway

 

[callinectes2]

Sorry for jumping in again on McNoobs thread, I have to admit I slipped up. Clearly I am a sadist. Or was it Dom? Or Top? Or a Nazi? Any difference? I think so. I am aware of the roots of the word "Sade"ist, but sorry, folks, where I come from they just aren't thinking of kinky sex when they say sadist. They probably wouldn't know what a nihilist is either.

You could be a sadistic dominant Nazi for all I know. It you enjoy seeing your partner in pain* or relish his/her fear of pain, bugs, etc. then in the context of BDSM you are a sadist.

 

[Skoti]

hrmm

One thing you might try is sitting her down and saying something along the lines of "I've decided that I'd like us to have a D/s relationship. I can see that it's what we both need and want. This is the only opportunity that I'll give you to choose for yourself. If you agree, then let that be your answer, but if not, then let THAT be your answer. Once you give an answer either way that's it."

Assure her that you'll take her desires INTO ACCOUNT (though that by no stretch of the imagination means she'll be catered to) and also make sure that she knows that although you'll look forward to punishing her, as she's generally very badly behaved, that you do love her and her safety is paramount. If she does agree to it, take that opportunity to immediately go into some well deserved punishment, something easy like spanking, addressing her as slut or cunt, and making her gag on your cock. I think, from the sound of it (although I haven't read all the posts on this thread) that she'll definitely enjoy it.

As far as learning to be dominant, I think there's a certain amount of learning involved with anything new. No one is born inherantly knowing "Ok, this will make her think this, and this will make her do this, and this will feel like this". Just try new things, inch it along, and pay attention to her reactions. Her reactions are going to tell you a lot about what you're doing to her physically, mentally, and emotionally. Pay attention, and don't be afraid or unsure. If she reacts negatively to something, just chalk it up and keep going, try something else, or go to a fallback. The important thing with it is to find out your guys' dynamic. I don't think anyone here can tell you exactly what to do, as they don't know you, they don't know your wife, and they don't know how you two interact. Just drop the uncertainty, bolster your courage and confidence, and enjoy.

I'm not very experienced with all this, though I'm heavily interested (and to make it more confusing, I'm what I can only call a "switch"), but I believe what I'm saying. Do your research, talk to her about what she likes and what you like, test the waters. If I've missed something in the thread that makes what I'm saying wrong, sorry, but I'm crazy tired and it's late.

I wish you the best.