Need help getting wife to initiate sex

[Jimbosis]

Thanks Guido and Talulah

As I said before I appreciate all the people here that are willing to give advise.

Talulah, if I may ask... How long were you married and how old were you when you began to break out of your shell? I know everyone is different but it seems like I have waited and suffered for a long time. Like I said my wife is 33 now and we have been married for 8 years. Kids probably have something to do with it, but my youngest is 3.5 so that excuse is getting tired.

Thanks again, Jimbo

 

[pipercatt]

Well Said, talulah!

Wow... I didn't know that so many men were in this situation. I'll tell you guys flat out that I used to be your wives/SO's. I didn't say much during sex, and I never initiated anything at all. If you wanted a kiss, you'd better take it. Not that I'd mind... I just wasn't sure enough of myself to make the first move.

If you've really truely followed the advice given, played hard to get, encouraged her fanasies, and made sure that she wouldn't feel rejected and she STILL has "cold fish" syndrome, then I don't know what else to say.

I do want you guys to know that it is such a slow process. I wasn't mouse girl one minute, then raving nympho the next. I still have problems with some things... like talking dirty in bed (I just feel silly!) when I'm not drunk or whatever. *sheepish grin* But once you manage to break that icy layer that she's keeping around herself for whatever reason, you're in for a wonderful journey. Just think, you'll get to watch her come into her own as a woman... what could be more beautiful?

I don't normally quote the whole thing, but I agree with everything here!

The end of my mousy days came in sight when I realized that I wasn't happy with myself. when I realized that my life wasn't gonna get better for me until I changed my attitude about life. Confidence was the key, accepting myself was another.

You guys out there that have wives like I used to be, you all sound like kind, supporting gentleman. All I can say is if you want to stay with your wives, keep up the gentlemanliness, support her, and she might blossom for you - into what you crave now. nothing's a garuntee, tho, and some people live their whole lives thinking the universe owes them everything. Just know that us women that figured ourselves out are pulling for ya! GRIN...

P

 

[Lili]

Re: boyfriend won't respond

Lili...OK maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he does want your body. However, there is still something going on in this guy's head. The stuff that you talk about that you do all day, is the stuff that leads to intimate sex.

I do not think there is anything else that you can do in terms of seductive type of stuff to make him want to be seduced.

Does he have some performance issues? Does he have a medical problem that keeps him from getting/maintaining an erection? Is he on any kind of medication, (such as high blood pressure meds or anit-depression meds)?

email me if you want to talk. You sound like a good person.

Nope, he has no medical problems and isn't on meds. I think he's just not as horny as I want him to be.

It truly sucks that men reach their peak so young! By the time they've grown interesting, all the drive is gone.

Lili

 

[GuidoMustache]

Exactly Lili! I think most young men were meant to date older women at one point in time just to get to know what things SHOULD be like.

Like said above, I am will be kind, respectful, and try to be patient. you lovely older ladies help me get through by being sexy and posting a pic here and there and all will be well

 

[camee]

I agree with Lili

When I hit my mid thirties my sex drive took off and hasn't stopped. Unfortunately my husbands has slowed down considerably. If I want sex now I am the one that initiates it. I think being the initiator has something to do with self confidence and maturing. I ask for everything I want in bed and don't feel bad about asking.

For the guys that want their wifes to talk dirty in bed sometimes it just helps to lay in bed and talk about fantasies. Let her know that you are really interested in hearing about it. Help her out by starting first and reassuring her that it is just a fantasy.

Try this in bed and see if it gets you anywhere. We have tried this a few times and I love it. I lie naked on the bed and my husband has to run his hands everywhere on my body without touching any private areas. It really warms up the skin and makes you tingle.

 

[Lili]

I'm the same way Camee. I always loved sex, even when I was younger, but the older I get the more I want it.

I have told my bf all my fantasies. I have trouble expressing them verbally, but since I'm a writer, writing them down has never been a problem. He knows all the things I'm dying to try and we have tried a few of them, but not nearly as often as I'd like. (For example in 6 1/2 years, we've only had anal twice. )

I could settle for having vanilla sex rarely, as long as I got my more involved fantasies on a regular basis. Or, I could handle only getting the really special things once in awhile, if we had vanilla sex more often.

It's not like I want it every day (although it was nice for the first 7 months we were together - he was unemployed and we -did- do it every day!) I'd settle for every other day, even every 3rd day if I knew I had it to look forward to.

I guess I'm just grumpy because it's been almost 2 weeks. *pout*

Lili

 

[Jimbosis]

Lili I think we should trade places with our s/o's for awhile. They could have a game to see who could last the longest without sex. And in the meantime we could have a game to see how many times a day we could do it while they were abstaining. God damn that could last for years.... LOL

I guess I'm just grumpy because it's been almost 2 weeks. *pout*

Lili

 

[talulah]

response to questions and such

Well, Jimbo, to be honest I've been working on being more.. uhm... open? Agressive? for about 2 years. Granted, I'm young.. almost 22 (been sexually active since 14 and married since 19)... but I've heard similar stories from friends of mine who are much older. In fact, one woman and I were swapping sex stories and she had just recently started working on being agressive.. she was 34 and had been married since she was 18.

Kind of odd to give someone so much older advice on ways to "surprise" her guy...

And, like Pipercatt said, a lot of the problems that women have with experimentation and controlling a situation stems from low self-esteem. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot anyone can do to fix another person's image of themselves. That's a change that has to happen from within. Of course, making them feel really sexy never hurts anything...

I really am keeping my fingers crossed for all you guys, and your ladies. They really don't know what they're missing.

Hrm.. maybe you should sign them up for this board so they could talk to the other women on here. *evil grin* May the corruption begin.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Changing mid-life

Ohhhh, I used to be like your wife too for so many reasons - I was too inhibited to ask for sex, could NEVER talk about my fantasies, was afraid of rejection, saw giving head as somewhat degrading - all of the above. To make things worse, I started having kids, plus worked FT, plus my husband was depressed and we didn't understand it or treat it ..... it's a miracle we're still together. Or that we have 2 children. We would go a YEAR without sex sometimes. Probably averaged it quarterly.

Well, I had a pretty satisfying "solo" life for all these years (been married almost 13) - in fact, I think I grew and matured sexually without even knowing it. I craved cock, but I was in a hopeless rut of non-communication.

Last October (he'd been on an anti-depressant almost 6 mos.), I caught him looking at online porn and masturbating. WOW! I was like, YOU ARE A SEXUAL PERSON??????? I dug a low-cut tight top out of my bottom drawer and we went out (had previous plans with friends) - he stared at me all night, and kept grabbing me when people weren't looking. We had AWESOME sex that night in a half-dozen positions.

I've probably given more blow jobs in the last 3 months than I have in my whole life combined, we have sex almost every night, we've used sex toys for the 1st time (vibrating butt plug for HIM!!! I'm currently obsessed with his ass...), a growing collection of videos, we surf porn together - I feel like I have a new boyfriend! After 13 years of marraige! And we have our whole lives ahead of us!!!

This morning, he was almost out the door to work, and I stood behind him with no intentions, honestly. I just hugged him while we were looking out the window at the dog I think. The next thing I knew, I was just jokingly massaging his crotch - the next thing I knew, I was on my knees licking his balls. Finally, we were both in the bathroom looking at my dripping face and laughing our asses off.

Hey, we both say it's a miracle. I'm not sure if my experience will be helpful to anyone, but I sure enjoyed telling a bunch of people that my husband blew a load in my face this morning! (which would have made me JUST DIE in the past, but I'm so over it now)

Actually, you should check into the depression thing - and any medications your partners are taking. Also, I've read that Wellbutrin has recently been found to increase libido. Viagra. If your partners want to try to get hornier, it would be worth a shot.

btw, I'm 38, he's 41.

Signed,
I'm a VeryBadGirl (at home with my own husband! wow!)

 

[Jimbosis]

YOWZA !!!!!

What more can be said about the incredible women that are on this site like talulah and VeryBadGirl. Well, YOWZA, and that I am so jealous of course.....

Unfortunately, unlike you VeryBadGirl, when my wife found my porn stash about a year ago she started crying and couldnt understand why I would need those things...... All I can say is I hope her hornyness continues to increase to a level like yours....

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Since I enjoy porn, and know that it has nothing to do with my feelings for my husband, it's easy for me to accept his enjoyment of it. He was looking at boobs - BFD. He looks at worse (better) things too, and I couldn't care less. I find things FOR him a lot of the time, since I have more time to surf and find the cool stuff. We also enjoy laughing at the kinky stuff - like 6 or 7 carrots sticking out of someone - excellent!!! And monster cocks - awesome!

And I think that sometimes you do have to pay dues earlier in the marraige in order to reap benefits later. Stay nice - be a good husband. Mine was always nice, I always admired and respected him. It made it easier to fall back in love. I was talking to my sister-in-law and she doesn't want to have sex anymore (married 1 year) because her husband annoys her and she doesn't want to do anything he wants to do. That's how it starts a lot of the time, I think, and guys don't read minds, so... I used to get quietly furious when my husband left a big coffee mess on the counter - now I think he could take a piss on the kitchen floor every morning, and I'd whistle while I mopped it up.

And I don't know what sort of angel kids you have, but mine at 3.5 required a lot of attention - I would have given the 2nd one back if I could. But now they're older, and we can sleep in (or whatever) as long as we want, and they stay the hell in their beds ALL NIGHT - the little one used to crawl in our bed almost every night til she was 5. Slept at the foot of the bed like a dog.

Anyway, hang in there. Miracles DO happen. We can't be the only ones - seems like every time I think I'm being original, I read about it in Newsweek!

VBG

 

[quilesed]

damn wildrose wish you were my woman...lol