Need some help

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Ding Dong anyone in there? What has psychology got to do with it? Or salivating dogs? I think you have finally lost it JBJ, well maybe not finally, maybe again?

Its okay with me if folks wanna write monochrome rather than Kodachrome. But almost any idgit knows from experience that much of what we know about others comes from gut feelings and past actions. The idea, oh mighty bird brainiac, is to create rapport with the reader. And you do that by matching the reader's reality set.

Bob? Any time you wanna compare psychological test scores with me I'm your huckleberry.

 

[robertreams]

my IQ is 181

 

[Combat323]

my IQ is 181

Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?...

Morons!

 

[robertreams]

What on earth do Plato, Socrates,and Aristotle have to do with whether one can be omniscient in the first person unless they are the names of JBJ's salivating dogs?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

my IQ is 181

Nonsense.
IQ scores above 130 are good evidence of shit for brains otherwise Harvard grads would perform better on Wall Street and in Washington. Your claim is about the same as asserting how 200 pounds is a better weight than 150. In your case you have a fat head rather than a fat ass.

 

[lowphat]

my IQ is 181

Not to call you a liar, but you're claiming to be one of the thirty smartest people in the United States.

All that intelligence, and you hang out here? Shouldn't you be curing cancer or designing rocket engines?

 

[Iceprincess12]

Wonder if the author will ever come back to comment on our comments...the relevant ones of course

 

[sr71plt]

And there were relevant ones. That "can't know what the other character is really thinking" is a basic issue in writing.

It's true that another character's genuine thoughts can be shown--even when what they are saying is something different--but this too has to be embedded in the text beforehand or as it is happening. That wasn't the case with the text we were working with here. So, don't let JBJ's inanities or the question of IQ (I have no idea what mine is and don't need to know) take your eye off the POV technique being examined here.

 

[Combat323]

What on earth do Plato, Socrates,and Aristotle have to do with whether one can be omniscient in the first person unless they are the names of JBJ's salivating dogs?

Was quoting (as close as I could remember) the character Vizzini from The Princess Bride as he responds to a question about how smart he is. That scene comes to my mind every time a discussion of IQ comes up---that and the Far Side cartoon of a kid pushing on the door of the "School for the Gifted" while the panel next to his hand is clearly labeled "Pull."

 

[rjordan]

Sign on a business door.

Push
If that doesn't work,
Pull
If that doesn't work,
We're Closed.

 

[LtLukas]

This isn't my kind of story so just a few comments.

Every woman seems to be defined by their cup size or physical features, that feels awkward and tells me nothing about them. When Rachel meets Samantha it's an extremely uninteresting conversation.

"Rachel Sullivan. Have you ever been to the back rooms?"
No," "I thought that is where they did yoga. And I don't want to do yoga."
"It isn't quite yoga. Why don't you come back with me?" "I've noticed that the Tigress has done you a lot of good. And you have been tearing it up in some of the martial arts classes as well."

My impression of Rachel is that she is a strong individual, mentally and physically. She didn't even hesitate to follow Samantha though. I would have liked to have seen some inner conflict of being expected to follow rather than being asked. If she does have submissive tendencies, I would want a hint of that.

The sex between the opponents was very distant and removed. When Rachel asked about flair, I would like Samantha to give a knowing smile, or maybe tell her to wait. This would allow Rachel to fantasize a bit more and bring me into it, right now it feels very passive.

Finally during the bonus round instead of just describing the sex, weave in more of Rachels reactions, so it keeps me in the moment and I don't feel like a disinterested watcher.

Easy to read, a little slow in places and needs more character development but the high score says that people are enjoying it.

Yeah, the cup size thing is super awkward and I wish I hadn't done it. Will definitely avoid doing it in the future. Also, I was trying to have Samantha not reveal too much, but it looks like I overshot and made it boring. Will be cognizant of that when I write again, thanks for the advice.

The following is something that I had not considered. I appreciate you pointing it out, and will have Rachel hesitate a little bit more, pause a little bit more in the future. That is a good insight.

And the sex thing makes a ton of sense, I definitely should have Rachel have more presence in that scene. That is something I will try to do in the future, when other girls are going at it.

Thanks for your input, you were wonderfully helpful.

 

[LtLukas]

I'm very visually oriented, and I enjoy looking at women, but I'm thinking more like "she's so pretty! Look at her skin, and those Grape Green eyes".

Of course I notice breasts, but I notice shape, size, and I like cleavage. But I'd never think, "oh, nice 'D's".

I hope this helps a little.

Yeah, no more breast sizes. It was weird and I shouldn't have done it. No more of that for me.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Cheer for authors who follow up. Are you going to rewrite and have us critique again?

 

[LtLukas]

Cheer for authors who follow up. Are you going to rewrite and have us critique again?

Probably not. I will be busy for a while, and I would like to spend my next writing advancing the story. So if I do, it won't be for a long time. But I will definitely keep everyone's criticisms in mind.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Not to call you a liar, but you're claiming to be one of the thirty smartest people in the United States.

All that intelligence, and you hang out here? Shouldn't you be curing cancer or designing rocket engines?

Have you ever met a Mensa member who's extraordinary? Me neither.

Real intelligence isn't about test taking talent, its about solving real life problems. Staying alive in the hood requires more intelligence than silly IQ test questions. Its a big problem in America, the people in charge know how to take tests and make laws, and they have no idea how to make things work.

The other thing is: Reputable IQ tests like WAIS don't score above 145 IQ.

 

[lovecraft68]

my IQ is 181

You do know we don't believe you, right?

 

[CyranoJ]

Actually, even if it were true, IQ scores are largely meaningless.

 

[sr71plt]

Probably not. I will be busy for a while, and I would like to spend my next writing advancing the story. So if I do, it won't be for a long time. But I will definitely keep everyone's criticisms in mind.

Just go on to writing the next one.

 

[LtLukas]

Just go on to writing the next one.

Aye aye captain.

 

[robertreams]

Please note: It was not I who mentioned testing. Psychological testing is totally unrelated to the subject at hand, and very unreliable, but I relayed the numbers I was given. It was JBJ not I who mentioned tests as some kind of definitive answer. So do the results of tests matter for everyone except when they disagree with JBJ? How convenient. Like the Indian rain dancers who are always successful because they don't stop dancing until it rains, JBJ always "wins" the discussion because he keeps on bloviating until everyone is sick of him.

 

[robertreams]

You do know we don't believe you, right?

I was asked, I answered, believe or do not. It is immaterial. I was not responding to any "we" but only one nasty individual who challenged me to do so.

 

[sr71plt]

JBJ always "wins" the discussion because he keeps on bloviating until everyone is sick of him.

Well, he does continue bloviating, but I doubt much of anyone is fool enough to think he wins.

 

[lowphat]

You're the only one to throw out an IQ number, and I didn't see anyone asking for it. It takes two to argue, and you took the bait. It's the oldest trick there is and at 181 IQ, you should know better.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Is this the reason more people don't post stories to be critiqued? I actually enjoy doing it and for some reason I seem to remember there is a whole section dedicated to bickering and infighting...the gb. Playing there is encouraged

 

[robertreams]

Sorry, Ice Princess, JBJ does it to me every time. Everyone is right, I should know better, but I hate bloviation.