New Dom/sub relationship in an established marriage.....

[RedRose7]

mellow is my hubby's style for sure! i am the more uptight of the two as if you couldn't tell.

i would think the dynamic pretty obvious, but then again, not many people know us in that way, so who knows. i also think that he would be understanding about the differences in protocol between us and then between others, but again, never been in that type of situation either.

Now, if you get that creepy single dom that walks up, never acknowledges your dom and chats you up, sure, that is something that one might just need to get insulted over.

LOL, yeah met plenty of those kinds in the past. just didnt know them as dom's!! i am used to handling those types in r/l, i think that is part of my unease. i am used to dealing with jerks, not letting my hubby do it!

 

[Biffalo_Buff]

Just to chime in a bit, it sounds, RedRose, like the real appeal here isn't so much the social etiquette questions and dynamics as such. Seems to me like the real appeal is the basic sexiness of feeling owned and ruled over, protected, whatever. That's a sexy feeling, and everyone defines it differently, in terms of what they like to do about public interaction and the like. There are basic guidelines, of course, but everyone details it differently.

I think one thing you're running into here is that many of us have had some negative experience with that one guy who goes round introducing himself as Master DragonPenis Buttface or whatever, and expects everyone to automatically be submissive to him. There's a poser like that in every crowd, and anyone who has had to deal with That Guy is going to take exception to the idea that any sub must automatically be submissive to any Dom.

So if people come on strong within this issue, I suspect that may be part of it. The real question is how you personally want to get that secure, sexy feeling of being owned, in any given situation. Of course there are lots of different ways to arrange this and think about how you create that sensation for yourself.

I like that vibe myself, and it manifests in different ways in different situations. My own pet likes to be a bit under my wing, but he's also going to have to be comfortable acting relatively vanilla in any number of situations, so all of this just has to stay flexible.

Perhaps you'll find one or two contexts in which you can truly be that completely owned little pet, and you can manifest that comfortably. Get led around a munch on a leash, or whatever it takes.

This community is full of wonderfully strong opinions, and you'll hear lots that you both agree and disagree with, but I think pretty much everyone is primarily motivated by a desire to help and educate. You'll find your own opinions as you travel, and hopefully you'll be enjoying the journey as you do so.

Good luck to both of you!

 

[sadangel]

I've spent most of my life in the South, and have lived in Virginia for twenty years now. I grew up on army bases, as my dad was a soldier, so I definitely grew up saying sir and ma'am, and still do. It's just manners. Manners has nothing whatsoever to do with top, bottom, dom, sub, master, or slave. It is just how you were raised. Sir and ma'am, without the weight lifestylers frequently apply, are just words.

I remember being at my first actual BDSM social and the kitchen was tiny. There was a male submissive in the kitchen, and I wanted some ice, so I asked him nicely if he could grab me some ice. "Hey, soandso, could you grab me some ice, please?" It's just polite address. He paused less than a half-beat and then did it. When I was handed the cup, I said, sans any emotional weight at all, "Thank you, sah," and moved on. He stopped dead in his tracks as I'd said "sir" even in passing. Whatever. 36 years I've been on this planet, and the first half of those were on military bases around people that say sir and ma'am with every other sentence in their working life, and keep the same habits oftentimes at home. It meant nothing to me, but surprised him. Since then, they've gotten used to me, and heard the explanation once or twice.

As to asking permission to greet, no. I would consider that rude. Plain and simple, you are a person, I am a person. Our respective sexual orientations and interpersonal BDSM relationships are utterly meaningless when it comes to basic social greeting. If I pass you in the hall on the way to the bathroom at a munch and say hi, and you tell me to talk to your dom before I do that, you and your dom both are going to go right on my "Not worth talking to" list.

See, I require your permission to touch you. If you say I require his permission as well, that's cool. But to open my mouth and speak in your direction? That means you are telling me what to do. Nope, doesn't work that way. I don't get to take liberties with your person, sure, but you don't get to tell me what to do in any way outside of taking physical liberties with your specific person. And, last time I checked, saying "Hi there" in passing is not taking physical liberties with your person.

And, in that case, I really don't care if it is part of the allure. I am not in your fantasy world. We share the real world. I'm going to do my thing and you are going to do yours, and you are not going to modify my behavior any more than I am going to modify yours. The rules we follow at a munch/social are the rules of said munch/social group.

You have already said that you don't have much experience in this lifestyle. That's cool. I'm not going to claim to have twenty years experience in social BDSM, but I will tell you right now - behaviour like that will NOT earn you friends in any munch group or social that I have been associated with or hung out with. It's just not how those groups operate, and not how any group I've personally heard of operate either.

Homburg
I feel that was addressed to me and wish to clarify. I'm talking ON LINE. I don't address others as "Sir" or "Ma'am"

I grew up with manners myself and in RL I do address others as "Sir or "Ma'am" as a matter of respect. I'm talking more about those that identify with being a Master or Mistress on-line and think that they have the right to be called Sir or Ma'am automatically by me for that reason alone. Their being a Dom/Me or Master/Mistress doesn't automatically qualify them for that right. That's what I meant when I said that if I was asked to do so I would. In Realife, for me, it's a natural thing to call others, particually those older than me Sir/Ma'am.

As to how to address others, at this time, it's my choice. I make the choice to call people such as you by their Username or given name whichever they prefer. I don't need anyone's permission to "speak" to them on the board or in person. I simply choose to use my own common sense and respect toward others in that regard. I have curtailed my flirtiness, because I realize it may have been misread. I was not asked to do so. I do it out of respect to someone that I have become close to even online. I do it to show that I care about what he or others may think of me. Mostly, what he thinks.

Talking to me in RL. Please do. I don't talk much, I prefer to listen, but if I am spoken to, I will defiinetly respond. If you say Hi. I will respond. If I am comfortable with a hug or kiss on the cheek from someone I've had a chance to speak with that too is fine. I don't require permission to speak or to be spoken too. I know that. What I said apparently came out wrong. Sometimes what I write doesn't translate as well as what I'am thinking. I think that may be the case here.

As to touching me, cyber or real life...that DOES require permission to a degree. That's my choice. It's my choice to do it out of respect to someone else.

To be quite honest, you are not in my "fantasy world". You're someone I have respected on the boards and still do. I try to be honest and forthright and it appears that sometimes my words don't come out quite as right as I'd like. I apologize for that. I make mistakes. I admit that.

Personally, I hope you will continue to "talk" to me on line when we hit the same threads. I enjoy talkig with you on the rare occasions it happens.

If it was not addressed to me, then so be it. At least I clarified where I stand.

ETA:
I am new to the BDSM lifestyle. I will make mistakes. I will say the wrong thing sometimes. I will learn from my mistakes. I will try to not make the same one's. Just remember....I'm still learning.

I'm still learning how to express myself more openly, even here, on the boards and I could use a little understanding from others in that regard. Perhaps that's asking too much. I'm used to being very private. Perhaps I shared too much. Perhaps not enough. I don't know. I'm just still learning.

 

[intothewoods]

To each his own, but I don't use titles when referring to other people. Not only that, but if I were to play with someone, I want to negotiate it with them, not their partner. I mention this because it's come up before, and it's something I just don't feel comfortable with. I just feel like that's between them, and it's not my place.

 

[sadangel]

To each his own, but I don't use titles when referring to other people. Not only that, but if I were to play with someone, I want to negotiate it with them, not their partner. I mention this because it's come up before, and it's something I just don't feel comfortable with. I just feel like that's between them, and it's not my place.

Like I said. I'm new. I'm still learning. I'm willing to learn.

I don't know all the right things to do. A little patience and understanding goes a long way in dealing with someone that has admitted they don't have the answers or experience.

To play with someone else...it hasn't come up. I don't know that it ever will. I don't claim to know. It's something to think about how to address. It hasn't had to be yet. I don't know that it ever will. I'm willing to learn though.

 

[intothewoods]

Like I said. I'm new. I'm still learning. I'm willing to learn.

I don't know all the right things to do. A little patience and understanding goes a long way in dealing with someone that has admitted they don't have the answers or experience.

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding you, but I'm not feeling impatient. I'm just sharing how it's been for me. Let me give you some more detail. As a single woman new to the scene (about a year ago, not now), I encountered a few play partners at events who were part of a couple but weren't very clear about their expectations for how I should treat their other half. One guy asked me to thank his girlfriend after we were done playing. Weird!

To play with someone else...it hasn't come up. I don't know that it ever will. I don't claim to know. It's something to think about how to address. It hasn't had to be yet. I don't know that it ever will. I'm willing to learn though.

Whatever works for you, really. For me, protocol is just not appealing. It just makes me giggle. I prefer to hang around with a crowd who is not interested in bdsm protocol. My Dom definitely isn't into it.

You'll see what you like as you get used to it.

 

[sadangel]

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding you, but I'm not feeling impatient. I'm just sharing how it's been for me. Let me give you some more detail. As a single woman new to the scene (about a year ago, not now), I encountered a few play partners at events who were part of a couple but weren't very clear about their expectations for how I should treat their other half. One guy asked me to thank his girlfriend after we were done playing. Weird!



Whatever works for you, really. For me, protocol is just not appealing. It just makes me giggle. I prefer to hang around with a crowd who is not interested in bdsm protocol. My Dom definitely isn't into it.

You'll see what you like as you get used to it.

I didn't mean you at all. I meant in general...patience and understanding!! I promise!!
I agree...as I learn, I will understand more about it. I'll see what feels right.

 

[Homburg]

Homburg
I feel that was addressed to me and wish to clarify.

Nope, not at all. If you look at the post directly above it the person (redrose7) was asking for input from southerners. I honestly hadn't read your post.

 

[sadangel]

Nope, not at all. If you look at the post directly above it the person (redrose7) was asking for input from southerners. I honestly hadn't read your post.

kk.....at least I clarified my thoughts regardless.....

I realized after I had written my first post that I didn't say everything I wanted to say right, so I guess it just needed to be clarified for me if noone else!!

 

[rida]

Being new, being excited, feeling giddy and wanting to learn everything now!, and wanting to do it right ... I remember those feelings very well

After a bit more than a year since embracing this aspect of myself (and dabbling in my marriage for a few years previously), I think I've finally left the "sub-frenzy" phase behind (it is basically the combination of excitement and impatience and what not typical of the early discovery stage. I know there are some good thread explaining it, will see if I can find them and link them).

What I realized is that, as trite as it might sound: it's the journey, not the destination.
And if you have 100 kinky people, you are going to have at least 101 views on how to do D/s or M/s or T/b or what not, and chances are they will all give a different meaning to each of those labels, and have different views on protocol, depending many time from how they started (leather families, internet, munches, mentored by a specific Dom, gorean, just to give few examples).

So do what feels right for you: there is no "true" way. And at the same time respect others people's ways. And have fun! Simple as that.



P.S. I still think too much and mull over implications, desires, needs, meanings and what not ... I don't think it will ever stop as it is just the way my mind works. Thinking too much is not necessarily a bad think



ETA: in reference to the OP question of D/s spilling into daily life: Hubby and I are D/s in the bedroom mainly. But it does indeed spill sometimes out. Nothing sexual, of course, and nothing particularly strange. More like a good old days wife that does everything at home. For us, it has always been this way as I'd rather be in control of how things are done, so from the outside there is no difference. The difference is that now, I do not resent it and I do not feel the need to defend my husband from criticism that "he does not do his share at home". I just say: it is ok, I prefer this way.

 

[sadangel]

Being new, being excited, feeling giddy and wanting to learn everything now!, and wanting to do it right ... I remember those feelings very well

After a bit more than a year since embracing this aspect of myself (and dabbling in my marriage for a few years previously), I think I've finally left the "sub-frenzy" phase behind (it is basically the combination of excitement and impatience and what not typical of the early discovery stage. I know there are some good thread explaining it, will see if I can find them and link them).

What I realized is that, as trite as it might sound: it's the journey, not the destination.
And if you have 100 kinky people, you are going to have at least 101 views on how to do D/s or M/s or T/b or what not, and chances are they will all give a different meaning to each of those labels, and have different views on protocol, depending many time from how they started (leather families, internet, munches, mentored by a specific Dom, gorean, just to give few examples).

So do what feels right for you: there is no "true" way. And at the same time respect others people's ways. And have fun! Simple as that.



P.S. I still think too much and mull over implications, desires, needs, meanings and what not ... I don't think it will ever stop as it is just the way my mind works. Thinking too much is not necessarily a bad think

Good post.....And yea... I think there are differernt views on how to do things. The newer you are, the more mistakes you make. Communication....between D/s is key. Like with any relationship. Just a different dynamic to it, from what I'm seeing.

I do respect tother's ways. I learn from them. Even if I don't agree. At least I see a differnt view point and understand where others are coming from.

And I'm with you on thinking too much. I know that I do. As was said to me tonight... I'm too hard on myself. I learned that growing up. I'm learning to UNLEARN it now. *sigh*

 

[glockthirty]

Wow...this thread so did not go the path I expected it to...ok with me, as I figure the more opinions, the better.

My wording was incorrect in my last post. I wasn't paying full attention when I typed and it seems to have opened a different door in this conversation.

I do not expect to control/approve every single contact my wife makes. I work for a living and have no desire to spend all of my off time screening any and everyone who wishes to have contact with her. It's not like I can control her unless she wants to be controlled anyway...lol.

Like RR7 said in her post(s) in RL I am one of the most laid back, easygoing people you will ever meet. Maybe my earlier post did not reflect that and I apologize if my tone was out of whack. One thing I hate about the internet is that it does not convey tone or body language and I tend to type in such a way that I come off more pissed off sounding than I am.

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