New Sub looking for advice...

[mdavid_1964]

Chaos

You are wise to take things slowly and let trust build, but even more importantly take time to put what you learned about yourself from your first encounter into perspective, know what your boundaries are, and how firmly you will stick to them, and be upfront with any Dom you meet and make sure they are willing to care for you patiently and respectfully and help you learn how to be a sub that proves worthy of the attention they give you.

David

 

[ShackelsS]

It is never over reacting on your part to want to have the feeling of safety, There is never a time unless previously discussed that you should ever go beyond you limit of comfort.

I just started "getting my feet wet" in the whole BDSM thing for a little while now. While I found some Dom's willing to give me advice (and a little online sample), I kind of rushed into a situation that put me a bit over my head.

I was looking for anyone interested in BDSM in my area and stumbled (tripped over) a Dom that seemed more than happy to take me under his wing. He wasn't local, but still professed his willingness to teach me. After a few emails ( I had found him on a different site) he gave me his number and told me to call him. We had briefly touched my concern over some of his interests, with me thinking that he understood my hesitance.

Over the course of the phonecall (which was mind blowing) I found myself agreeing with things almost instinctivly, despite hiccups of hesitation that I felt. Things I thought I wouldn't do for some time, or not without another person physically guilding me. He was reassuring me the whole time and what he had planned for the future *sounded* amazing... but when I thought about it I realized we were going much deeper and faster that I originally anticipated. (And I'm talking emotional) Permission to do anything he had not already lined out to me. A few kinks that *sounded* good but incredibly intimidating at the same time.

Ok, now that I've outlined the story, here's my questions. 1)Am I overreacting in thinking of backing off? 2)And if not, what would be a good way to tell him that his depth and intensity are intimidating me?

 

[chris9]

I think you were right to be uneasy. Maybe this is a little too far over my head too but, in my mind, this whole dom/sub thing should be done with someone you can trust like a boyfriend, etc. and not someone you are meeting over the internet or wherever. What exactly are you expecting and wanting, relationship wise? If you do this short term there are all kinds of hidden dangers. If you are doing this long term, are you expecting this person to be a lifelong mate, and if not, what happens when you meet Mr. Right?

It's way easier if you know what you need in a relationship to be looking for someone who needs the counterpart of it. Having the perfect boyfriend, and then expecting him to turn into the perfect Dom can work, yes. Most of the time said boyfriend is no Dom, though. Because of that it's easier to find the person for you over the internet or in local groups of like-minded people.
I agree though that it's important to know at least roughly what one needs/wants in a relationship before jumping in head first.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

it's easier to find the person for you over the internet or in local groups of like-minded people.

I agree with Chris here and in truth, internet relationships take time to develop to the point of meeting up. You can check details that the other person gives you and effectively vet them beforehand. I would say that getting to know someone online can prove safer in that respect than meeting some random guy through friends or in a bar and taking his number. How much can you really know about anyone in the early stages of a relationship? RL partners have as much opportunity to lie as online ones do. You just have to trust yourself and weed out the assholes.