New to BDSM

[Life_Noir]

There is a term "sub frenzy", though I have seen Dom/mes do the same thing essentially..
Try to keep it in mind, and not let it drive you into making bad decisions..
Slower is generally better.. Especially when you are talking about major life changes..
Think and ask questions. *shrug* Remember that you have kids and anything you do will have an effect on their life too...

 

[Etoile]

I'm not getting an alt/troll vibe here, but I do think this is a bad idea, for the reasons others have already described. I'm not getting a polyamory vibe either - I'm getting a "he wants a little something on the side" vibe. And I too have never heard the term "BDSM wife" - I don't see how it could be "better" than a Dom/sub or Master/slave type relationship. You can only marry one person at a time in this country, so whatever he means by "BDSM wife" it is all in his head.

 

[FurryFury]

If you don't understand what exactly he is offering and frankly it sounds like too damned little, why would you ever consider such an arrangement?

Your life isn't just about you. You have small children to think about too.

Would you be happy being his non legal "wife" on the side? Does he plan to support you financially? If so get in in a contract because someone who does things on the side usually only lives up to his obligations a short time then defaults. You want some protection if part of the arrangement is him providing for you and your little ones.

What sort of support do you have now, family, friends and money wise?

How will the two of you engage in BDSM so that your children are not aware of it when you are the primary caregiver and have no caregiver support and they are small?

These and more important considerations must be carefully considered and worked out.

BTW, I do NOT believe you always knew he was the one because you did not stay with him THEN. I think this is some romantic person history fiction you are indulging in. I can totally understand why you'd want to do this but I think you need to wake up and face reality a bit.

Good luck to you.

 

[Puman]

I'm not getting an alt/troll vibe here, but I do think this is a bad idea, for the reasons others have already described. I'm not getting a polyamory vibe either - I'm getting a "he wants a little something on the side" vibe. And I too have never heard the term "BDSM wife" - I don't see how it could be "better" than a Dom/sub or Master/slave type relationship. You can only marry one person at a time in this country, so whatever he means by "BDSM wife" it is all in his head.

That's the exact feeling I'm getting... and I'm still pretty new at all of this and there is no way on God's green earth that I would even attempt to trust this guy. Have you even met him in a 'casual' environment to chat and get to know him face to face?

 

[catalina_francisco]

If you don't understand what exactly he is offering and frankly it sounds like too damned little, why would you ever consider such an arrangement?

Your life isn't just about you. You have small children to think about too.

Would you be happy being his non legal "wife" on the side? Does he plan to support you financially? If so get in in a contract because someone who does things on the side usually only lives up to his obligations a short time then defaults. You want some protection if part of the arrangement is him providing for you and your little ones.

What sort of support do you have now, family, friends and money wise?

How will the two of you engage in BDSM so that your children are not aware of it when you are the primary caregiver and have no caregiver support and they are small?

These and more important considerations must be carefully considered and worked out.

BTW, I do NOT believe you always knew he was the one because you did not stay with him THEN. I think this is some romantic person history fiction you are indulging in. I can totally understand why you'd want to do this but I think you need to wake up and face reality a bit.

Good luck to you.

Not sure about the contract thing. If they are living separately, and obviously the children aren't his, it is going to be difficult to ever get a contract to stand up in court. If it is a BDSM one, well it basically won't be worth much in terms of anything, especially getting financial support if things don't work out. Sounds too much like a pipe dream to me, with little thought out practicality applied. MAybe he is just seeing how far she will go to boost his ego but he won't be there once she makes the move...sounds all very fishy to moi.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Oral contracts are far more difficult to enforce than written ones. If he is offering that sort of support it should be, IMO spelled out and made into a written contract.

(He'd probably wet himself and run away first.)

His willingness, or lack thereof, to back up his oral contract with her in a duly notarized legal contract would be interesting to me at least.

*smiles*

This is the stuff of "palimony suits" yanno?

 

[EmpressFi]

I agree with the others when they say you have to think this through as it sets off all kinds of alarms with me..

When my husband and I decided to become polyamorous.. and I met Master... before Master would even think about coming here to visit, he sat down and talked with my husband to make sure that it was alright, even though I'd told him it was. He wanted to make sure what would be allowed, what wouldnt be allowed... even down to pet names for me or terms of endearment he could use. The three of us have a great relationship now because of it and my husband and I even want Master to move in with us but, things arent feasible for that yet. But Master and my husband talk almost as much as Master and I do and I think that's the warning bell that sounds loudest for me in this... he says his wife knows all about it, but you really need to hear that from her and what will and wont be accepted...

I havent heard the term BDSM wife either... although I could almost see what is meant by the title. YOu have children to consider and if you move up here for him, I agree with the others that you need to have some help with getting a job and a place to live and some kind of written contract for the help. You need to protect your family and yourself first.

 

[snmgirl4u]

That's the exact feeling I'm getting... and I'm still pretty new at all of this and there is no way on God's green earth that I would even attempt to trust this guy. Have you even met him in a 'casual' environment to chat and get to know him face to face?

Yes, I do know him we have been friends for like 10 years now... and we have had "sex" and from that moment I have wanted to be with him, but not with a wife and be on the side.
In addition, as for my kids I do great buy them and will continue to do so. I have a great job and can work about any ware. I am a very important person and very appreciated at my job.
As well as very important
I just don’t understand the lifestyle, I’m not saying I going I’m asking for advice in this hole situation I would never just get up and go! I have to much going for me right now to throw it all away. Moreover, they are old enough to acknowledge the life style I will not allow that is will be in closed doors. My mother is a Dom and has been she hid it very well from us children.
so thank you all. for all you support

 

[Etoile]

I have wanted to be with him, but not with a wife and be on the side.

Perhaps this answers your own question?

 

[snmgirl4u]

Perhaps this answers your own question?

yes and thank you