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[champagne1982]

I don't think you read the definitions for Haiku in that article. Your poem has nothing to do with traditional or really modern haiku. Haiku are nature based poems, usually referencing a season, popular myth, pretty much anything but a sex act. Your 'pump' markers are unnecessary, as you say the hand is moving swiftly up and down the shaft. The poem's actually 1-5-8-5-1 syllables, so it doesn't even meet the most generic definition of haiku.

Actually, a 1-5-8-5-1 sounds almost like a truncated fibonacci sequence, cinquain stylized thing. Add 2 lines more, so the count's 1, 2, 3, 5, 8 then we'll have a real math thing going on and no need to pump... pump.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Actually, a 1-5-8-5-1 sounds almost like a truncated fibonacci sequence, cinquain stylized thing. Add 2 lines more, so the count's 1, 2, 3, 5, 8 then we'll have a real math thing going on and no need to pump... pump.

And then we could use the digits of transcendental numbers like pi or e to define syllable counts. But when do the Fibonacci or pi poems stop?
Could we call it transcendental poetry?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I think he's Polish, so you might have to offer some halupki before you get your three wishes.

goes to google halupki .............

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Actually, a 1-5-8-5-1 sounds almost like a truncated fibonacci sequence, cinquain stylized thing. Add 2 lines more, so the count's 1, 2, 3, 5, 8 then we'll have a real math thing going on and no need to pump... pump.

And then we could use the digits of transcendental numbers like pi or e to define syllable counts. But when do the Fibonacci or pi poems stop?
Could we call it transcendental poetry?

OK you two more explanation needed set up a challenge and tell us all about it

 

[bflagsst]

And then we could use the digits of transcendental numbers like pi or e to define syllable counts. But when do the Fibonacci or pi poems stop?
Could we call it transcendental poetry?

Yeah, transcendental, tensor, vector, Gaussian and Riemannian poetry

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Yeah, transcendental, tensor, vector, Gaussian and Riemannian poetry

eeeeeeeeek

 

[skimmyskim]

So, whatever the merits of Pump . . . Pump, it is not a Haiku. Perhaps it can be classified as a new poetic form called the Hyco.

Now, just to make the distinction clear, remember that a Haiku is like a photograph that captures an instant in eternity and relates to nature and the seasons, whereas a Hyco is like a movie loop that captures an event stretching a little beyond a moment, divorces it from the stream of time, and turns it into a repeating rhythmic action that relates to humans immersed in their driven natures. Both the Haiku and the Hyco produce some of their artistic effect by fetishizing real time into mental artifacts for contemplation.

The Hyco may also increase endorphin levels more than a Haiku is likely to do.

Thanks for the extended piece of sarcasm, friend. I like you.

Seriously though, I just wanted to know what you guys thought, and not some long winded conversation about the history of haiku, and its suppose to be some way or another. tHanks for all your help.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thanks for the extended piece of sarcasm, friend. I like you.

Seriously though, I just wanted to know what you guys thought, and not some long winded conversation about the history of haiku, and its suppose to be some way or another. tHanks for all your help.

I don't think that was sarcasm at all it was being friendly, Lorencino is one of the nicest people on here. Seems to me you don't really want to know about haiku at all, especially having it pointed out that you haven't written one. How are you supposed to get it right if you're not told how to write one?

 

[bflagsst]

I don't think that was sarcasm at all it was being friendly, Lorencino is one of the nicest people on here. Seems to me you don't really want to know about haiku at all, especially having it pointed out that you haven't written one. How are you supposed to get it right if you're not told how to write one?

He's just an ignorant Internet User. Wants to use up other people's time and patience, doesn't want to give anything back. Such as posting mediocre poetry and demanding it be read and criticized without reading or criticizing the work of those who've taken the time to point him in the right direction and to the right definitions of a poetic form. He doesn't want to get anything right, like most people who post a thread of their poems then disappear, they want to be told what they already know--that they're so wonderful and fabulous, sterling writers of the hottest poetry around.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

He's just an ignorant Internet User. Wants to use up other people's time and patience, doesn't want to give anything back. Such as posting mediocre poetry and demanding it be read and criticized without reading or criticizing the work of those who've taken the time to point him in the right direction and to the right definitions of a poetic form. He doesn't want to get anything right, like most people who post a thread of their poems then disappear, they want to be told what they already know--that they're so wonderful and fabulous, sterling writers of the hottest poetry around.

Tut tut and he did say he wanted to know what we thought!

 

[butters]

Tut tut and he did say he wanted to know what we thought!

I found myself vaguely amused at the way he 'explained' the technicalities of his poems to people here who obviously know far more about the subject. It did, unfortunately, smack of condescension to us poor illiterates

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I found myself vaguely amused at the way he 'explained' the technicalities of his poems to people here who obviously know far more about the subject. It did, unfortunately, smack of condescension to us poor illiterates

I confess and hang my head in shame ........ I realised his game from the start and goaded him onwards for my own amusement baddddddddd girl

 

[lorencino]

Kamikazi

Thanks for the extended piece of sarcasm, friend. I like you.
snip

Before you go skimming off in a huff there is more for you to learn, it would seem.

Firstly, relating to the meaning of sarcasm, your words that I quote above are a splendid example of this phenomenon. There is a sneering quality to words which, in the guise of civility, respect, and charming manners, are actually completely dismissive of the person to whom they are addressed. Sarcasm is aggressive and the aggression is intensified by the sugar-coating that surrounds the venom at the core.

My words, on the other hand were a failed attempt at light-hearted banter that I thought would bring home to you, in as briefly a manner as possible, the reality of what you where doing with your poetry to the mind of this particular observer, and thus, perhaps, to provide you with an opportunity to broaden your perspective and to expand your poetic capacity.

Seriously though, I just wanted to know what you guys thought, and not some long winded conversation about the history of haiku, and its suppose to be some way or another. tHanks for all your help.

Secondly, just because you did not get the praise you felt was due to someone possessed of your particular skills is no reason to imagine that you have a right to dictate how much or how little anyone else in this forum is allowed to say. The use of "long winded" is especially offensive when you are a relative stranger in this neighbourhood.

Your behaviour saddens me because you have thrown away an opportunity to learn much about poetry from a great many knowledgeable people who visit here and all because I waxed a little satirical with you, albeit without intending offence.

Finally, I don't understand why you had to behave petulantly with everyone else who commented because you thought I was being nasty.

 

[butters]

the shame of it all is that i saw something worthwhile in that second piece - it needed cleaning up, but it had its moments

 

[lorencino]

the shame of it all is that i saw something worthwhile in that second piece - it needed cleaning up, but it had its moments

What was that quote you used to have about education meaning you don't get pissed off? I remember liking it.

 

[lorencino]

Sweet, sweet woman

I don't think that was sarcasm at all it was being friendly, Lorencino is one of the nicest people on here. Seems to me you don't really want to know about haiku at all, especially having it pointed out that you haven't written one. How are you supposed to get it right if you're not told how to write one?

Come here and sit on my lap and we can be really nice with each other.

 

[butters]

What was that quote you used to have about education meaning you don't get pissed off? I remember liking it.

ah, the one by Robert Frost i do believe

something along the lines of:

"Education means one can listen to almost anything without getting annoyed"

 

[lorencino]

ah, the one by Robert Frost i do believe

something along the lines of:

"Education means one can listen to almost anything without getting annoyed"

Thank you. I hope our hapless newbie turns to frost.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Come here and sit on my lap and we can be really nice with each other.

Ohhhhhhhh mmmmm !!!!

 

[bflagsst]

I confess and hang my head in shame ........ I realised his game from the start and goaded him onwards for my own amusement baddddddddd girl

Yeah, from his first response we could pretty much figure out he was a dumdum. I hope he's a high school kid, if so I forgive him for being an idiot. Get off this site if you're in high school, it's illegal! Too bad for him if he's a grown up.

 

[bflagsst]

Now that SLimJim is out of the picture. I'd like to go over his poem, to see if there really is anything of value in it.

I romanced her,
(not necessary to go over this again, terrible first line)
Wrapped up in the frigid night
(wrapped up in the night and frigidity of night is all too common and cliche)
Breathing clouds around the hedges of her
(breathing clouds is wonky, "hedges of her" seems original, but I don't really get the image)
Gleaming hazel eyes
(eyes should never gleam, unless this is a Harlequin romance novel)
sweat steaming on the cusp of her petite-
(best line of the poem, however, petite still isn't specific enough. it could refer to anything.)
We lay, lips locked
(nothing really wrong with this line, little filler)
On the glowing, crimson sheets
(the sheets are glowing from moon? We don't know that til the next line. Crimson is irrelevant)
Laid tender by the moons aura.
(having the moon's aura in the bedroom is difficult, aura is part of the description of the moon.)
She lay purring, pink, fingers intertwined
(fingers intertwined should be removed from this line)
And,
(not a line)
She whispered words ancient,
(besides for awkward change in syntax, cheesy, oh baby, baby, our lust is epic)
Primal, into my ears.
(like the first line, don't tell us her words were primal, show us her words which are primal)
She is warm.
(she should be slightly more heated than room temperature, right? She's supposed to fire)
"Are you real?" I asked,
(this is where I question tenses, we may have some tense issues in this poem)
As she faded with the exhale of my chest,
(this line is dated with the inhale of my breast)
Her lingering taste,
(you haven't given us any inclination to her taste)
Fizzling and dissolving on my tongue.
(possibly a good line, just makes me wonder about the tenses again.)

 

[UnderYourSpell]

So you don't think there is any future for poetry with the nouns left out then? As in fill in the blanks as you go to whatever takes your fancy

 

[butters]

I'd have enjoyed it more like this:

I romance her
wrapped in frigid night
breathe clouds around the hedges
of gleaming hazel eyes
sweat steaming on the cusp of her

On crimson sheets
laid tender by moon's aura
she's purring, primal
whispering heated words into my ears

"Are you real?" I ask




ok, I know this changes the entire aspect of the write from the author's intention, and agree that last image of her dissolving taste fizzing on his tongue is good enough, but it makes a better poem for ME. I'm selfish like that

 

[champagne1982]

I'd have enjoyed it more like this:

I romance her
wrapped in frigid night
breathe clouds around the hedges
of gleaming hazel eyes
sweat steaming on the cusp of her

On crimson sheets
laid tender by moon's aura
she's purring, primal
whispering heated words into my ears

"Are you real?" I ask




ok, I know this changes the entire aspect of the write from the author's intention, and agree that last image of her dissolving taste fizzing on his tongue is good enough, but it makes a better poem for ME. I'm selfish like that

Piffle! Whadda ya think of my Dirty December 02? That's all that matters ya know?

signed,

Me, being selfish

 

[butters]

Piffle! Whadda ya think of my Dirty December 02? That's all that matters ya know?

signed,

Me, being selfish

where can i find it? show me