Not Dom, not sub...

[davro]

Whatever I am, it's okay with me it's just hard to define sometimes and maybe defining isn't that important.

As long as I am happy and he is happy that's really all that counts.

Fury

Exactly what I was trying to say.

 

[Hester]

here's an issue that isn't much discussed: why is it often assumed either 1) partner must be the same (e.g. get off on menstrual blood) or 2) complementary (one likes to be whip, other likes to whip).

it would seem to me that friends and lovers, not to say, 'enlightened' casual partners could and would 'bend' a little: "If you like that and I'm neutral, we'll do it, and i'll at least get off on you getting off."

i think you would agree, from other things you've said, that it's a mistake to think "I'm a unique lock and somewhere there's person who's the unique key."

a partner not kinked like me couldn't do to/with me the kinds of things that really get me off. i've tried. not even close.

a partner doesn't have to be kinked *exactly* like me (in fact, i'm not sure that world work either), but he needs to be kinked in a way that's at least partially complimentary.

and i don't get off on play acting. i need reality or i'll shut down.

no, there's no one person (or key, to use your metaphor). but there needs to be a commonality and a synergy.

 

[Pure]

[deleted].....

 

[Pure]

not dom, not sub

[deleted].....

 

[FurryFury]

What is with the deleted posts. That's not like you Pure.

I do agree about bending and being flexible. It should be possible. People who are too rigid, break. I've seen it happen.

Fury

 

[Pure]

i wonder why two people with different kinks cant get together, and even stay that way.

First person likes being peed on and some light incisions, the second likes being bound so s/he can't move and having his or her butt whipped.

So they trade off. don't know if i've heard of this.



Fury: one posting was a silly joke, and the other a link to an article on humiliation, which seemed to generate no interest; but i'll PM it to you if you want.

 

[catalina_francisco]

People have tried it Pure, and some stick with it , but it doesn't give the feedback quite the same as having it done by someone who is doing it because they need/want to more so than pleasing their partner...not to mention it takes the mood out of it if you have to guide them to do what you want which usualy happens because they are not operating on their own needs. It sort of feels like a very poor option IMO, and becomes role play. For some that may be all they need or want, but for moi it just would lead to boredom.

Catalina

 

[Hester]

i don't know what the fuck i want. i only pray that when i come across it (the nebulous It with a capital I) i have the good sense to not let it run through my fingers.

 

[FurryFury]

i wonder why two people with different kinks cant get together, and even stay that way.

First person likes being peed on and some light incisions, the second likes being bound so s/he can't move and having his or her butt whipped.

So they trade off. don't know if i've heard of this.



Fury: one posting was a silly joke, and the other a link to an article on humiliation, which seemed to generate no interest; but i'll PM it to you if you want.

Thanks for the explanation Pure!

It is true that my husband and I have done things to please each other that we would have never done because we wanted to do it.

It doesn't have to be done with the "gifted" partner giving minute details. It can be great in it's way.

It doesn't "fix" the hunger I have for a confident and trusted Dom to do those very same things and much more but it's wonderful and it's something I can do without tearing my marriage apart.

Recently he has been doing things, not because I want them or ask for them but he says simply because he wants to.

This makes me feel pretty thrilled when just a short while ago, he felt this "wasn't for him," and that he "didn't get it."

Fury

 

[tail_teller]

......

 

[Private_Label]

Not Dom, not sub

Are there any such persons around this forum? Might there be one or two out of a hundred who do NOT fit into one of the single categories, dom or sub? Such a person would not feel comfortable with the simple description, "I am a dom." or "I am a sub."
...

Just curious. Please ignore this posting if you're happily settled in one category and its lifestyle. Enjoy! (If you feel you *must* post to this thread, and denounce the 'mixed up' persons to whom it might appeal, could you at least be brief?)

[Slightly revised at Spectre T's suggestion.]

Since I am still exploring this aspect of myself...

I'm not comfortable with either label. I'm not even certain top/bottom applies to me at this point. Right now my *limited* experience tells me that I tend toward the sub/bottom, but there are aspects of my personality that I don't think would be suited to living a 24/7 lifestyle, but I also think I would be happiest with some kink in my life. My main issue is that I can't get myself into really exploring due to my personal comfort level. Trust is a big issue with me. While I haven't met anyone at a munch that sends up red flags with me; on the other hand I haven't met anyone I click with either. It has made me hesitate to take up the few offers I have received to help me experiment. I'm just not sure I am ready to do more than stand in the shallow end.

I want my partner (temporary single session/a few sessions or long term) to enjoy our time together as well, so I guess I am looking for someone also standing toward the shallow end of the kink pool while I test out different sensations to see if I would like them or not.

It may be that I discover that I am vanilla with some kink, rather than someone who has to be involved in scenes to be happy.

 

[FurryFury]

......

I thought that was a good post Tail_teller.

I'm sorry you deleted it.

Fury

 

[Pure]

i do see your point, Cat, i just wonder why people don't get aroused by their partner's kinks?

is the complement the best match? a whippEE, finds a whippER.

consider [that you might want] humiliation. Person A is your partner who loves you and gets off on saying humiliating things. Person B hardly knows you and is mostly neutral, but perhaps slightly disgusted with your kink.

Who is going to be better at erotically humiliating you?

[Added for clarity: My answer: it could well be B.]

 

[Let_it_come]

Not a Dom.
Not a Sub.
I LOVE sexual sadism. My own and other people's. If it's kinda 'dirty' too I love it even more.
I do sadistic things in bed and will let them be done to me too.
But I'm not Domming in the proper sense & I'm not Subbing in the proper sense.
I relish cruelty in the bedroom. I love to hurt for my own pleasure and I love to witness others enjoying the same pleasure.
Idealy my b/f and I would both get off tormenting a 3rd party. At the moment we just take turns to hurt each other and enjoy each other's reactions.
We've had MFM threesomes but they were all about my cunt & their cocks & spunk. For our next move we should torture a girl together.
One of the best Christmas Day fucks we ever had was based on reading & hearing about an appalling news report of a gang rape which had happened the day before. We both REALLY loved how sick what we were doing was.

This is going to be a minority POV here I know. But anyone else love the sick stuff like this too?

Also it's important to say that we are only sexual sadists. We both hate bullies, snobs and anyone who hurts another for pleasure outside of a mutualy sick & twisted sexual relationship.
We both despised the rapists in the news reports, but in the privacy of our own bedroom enjoyed each other's reactions to their disgusting crime. We were both fully aware at all times that we were taking sexual pleasure from someones life being ruined. And yet the sickness of our actions WAS buzzy for us. Libidos are strange animals.

Jenny

 

[SpectreT]

i do see your point, Cat, i just wonder why people don't get aroused by their partner's kinks?

is the complement the best match? a whippEE, finds a whippER.

consider humiliation. Person A is your partner who loves you and gets off on saying humiliating things. Person B hardly knows you and is mostly neutral, but perhaps slightly disgusted with your kink.

Who is going to be better at erotically humiliating you?

The rubber's gotta meet the road, and the gears have to mesh, otherwise, the car won't drive. Pour sand in the transmission fluid, and see how well the car shifts, how long the engine can deliver power to the tires. It'll work for a while, but eventually it'll wear down, and finally, foul up so bad it's unworkable.

In this case, the kinks are the gears, and the rest of the relationship is the transmission fluid. A good, viscous fluid will help slightly mismatched gears mesh, and eventually the gears can wear into each other's grooves, but if they're too mismatched, nothing's going to help them mesh.

 

[Hester]

i do see your point, Cat, i just wonder why people don't get aroused by their partner's kinks?

is the complement the best match? a whippEE, finds a whippER.

i'll often be aroused by my partner's kinks. i suspect that's how i came about a few of mine.

complements are good matches.

 

[Let_it_come]

Fuck, Hester - I love that pic of yours. Who, what, etc?
Do tell -

J.

 

[Ebonyfire]

i wonder why two people with different kinks cant get together, and even stay that way.

Why not? There are other reasons. I do not have all of my submissives kinks either and I am not bound to satisfy something that does not satisfy Me. However I look at his kink as a tool I can use to my advantage. It is another tool my my arsenal of dominance. I hold the power to give or deny this kink.

So it is very possible not to share a kink in this type of power exchange. It is not the kink, but the power to use and control that kink that can be more important.

Eb

 

[Pure]

good point, eb. i think perhaps i was trying to same something like that in my humiliation example, above.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Person A is your partner who loves you and gets off on saying humiliating things. Person B hardly knows you and is mostly neutral, but perhaps slightly disgusted with your kink.

Who is going to be better at erotically humiliating you?

Well it could work to an opposite effect also. It is possible that the humilliation is more erotic from a stranger than from you. You might ask how can that be so? If the fantasy is to be humiliated by a group and/or strangers then the Person B could be more erotic and the fact that they were slightly disgusted would be irrelevant. The involuntary response would be to snap a woody.

I have found that I can humiliate my sub to get the effect of wilting a woody. This is very useful when I am trying to prevent ejaculation.

Eb

 

[CharleyH]

Not Dom, not sub

Are there any such persons around this forum? Might there be one or two out of a hundred who do NOT fit into one of the single categories, dom or sub? Such a person would not feel comfortable with the simple description, "I am a dom." or "I am a sub."

For example: Might some feel they fit in BOTH categories equally well? And maybe, equally, a few more? Might some NOT fit either category? Nor even the 'switch' category?

Do you/we have anything to say, any issues to discuss?

Indeed, is there a Dom who's a *teensy* bit unsure about being totally in that category? of a sub who's the *tiniest* bit wondering if maybe she or he isn't 100% 'sub'?

AND, if, for instance, not totally 100% 'sub', is there anyone who does not go on to say, "I'm learning," by which is meant, "I'm learning more and more every day to become a better sub, as fully submissive as I can be."

Just curious. Please ignore this posting if you're happily settled in one category and its lifestyle. Enjoy! (If you feel you *must* post to this thread, and denounce the 'mixed up' persons to whom it might appeal, could you at least be brief?)

[Slightly revised at Spectre T's suggestion.]

It's a hard question, Pure. There are many switches, for example. I have no qualms about saying I am a Domme with 'certain men' - I do not want to be dommed by any man, though, and will never be - I love and savour the balance of a woman or a man - does that answer something at least? edit to add: lol - probably not.

 

[Pure]

Pure said, //Person A is your partner who loves you and gets off on saying humiliating things. Person B hardly knows you and is mostly neutral, but perhaps slightly disgusted with your kink.

Who is going to be better at erotically humiliating you? //

Eb said Well it could work to an opposite effect also. It is possible that the humilliation is more erotic from a stranger than from you.

I guess my posting wasn't clear, so i added a line. I meant to suggest B may be the better in terms of effect.

The involuntary response would be to snap a woody.

yes, i can see that. equally amusing is to then jam something up the poor fellas ass to re institute the erection-- perhaps to take it down again, or, to come on a plate and provide himself dinner.

 

[Pure]

lic said,
But I'm not Domming in the proper sense & I'm not Subbing in the proper sense.
I relish cruelty in the bedroom. I love to hurt for my own pleasure and I love to witness others enjoying the same pleasure.
Idealy my b/f and I would both get off tormenting a 3rd party. At the moment we just take turns to hurt each other and enjoy each other's reactions.

i agree that this sort of cruelty takes one off the simple 'dom/sub' axis. hot!

 

[CharleyH]

Pure said, //Person A is your partner who loves you and gets off on saying humiliating things. Person B hardly knows you and is mostly neutral, but perhaps slightly disgusted with your kink.

Who is going to be better at erotically humiliating you?

Who is better at humiliating you? The one who does not care about themselves or you. It depends - I think.

 

[saw_man1]

Who is better at humiliating you? The one who does not care about themselves or you. It depends - I think.

Who is better at humiliating you? The person who knows you.

Quite frankly I do not believe that opposites attract.

No matter how many other qualities and interests me may share, if a woman is a lights out, door closed, and missionary position type; it would never work. Never.