O/our first meeting in person. Newbie has some quesitons please

[MsAmative]

I am meeting talking to a Dom I meet on fetlife. We have only been talking since the first of the month.

He is sweet. Sweeter than some jerks I have talked to online.

I have been taking with a sweet female friend on fetlife. She has been talking about my meeting and she is a little concerned.

We are to meet on Thursday at a hotel. This will be the first time. He does know I am I a brand new newbie. He also knows I have not had actually sex in at least 5 years. Maybe longer. My choice due to issues going on in RL.

He has also said I am not allowed to talk to guys because I am "in consideration for a Dom."

Any advise, please let me know. Any thoughts I in would be grateful.

Thank You

PS. Please don't take my hesitation as meaning I don't want this. I have lots of other Rl going on............

I don't see your hesitation as not wanting this - I think its natural. You are meeting someone you don't know... to play and give yourself over right away. If were not hesitant I would be worried for you.

I have always hated the "under consideration - no talking to others." Its always seemed predatory to me, and reeking of insecurity because otherwise what would they have to fear? That it just me though, and my opinion. I have never told any sub that I have talked to or considered anything similar - and I never will.

Personally, I don't like the idea of meeting and playing right away. Go, meet for coffee or a drink. Talk, and leave. Give yourself time to get to know him and read him in person. End it there and give yourself time to consider things and see potential alarm bells. If you like him you will be fuzzy in the moment. there could be details about him that show he is dangerous and you won't be able to tell. Once that wears off you'll hopefully be able to see it. Miss those and play right away and you can find yourself in a bad situation.

You could meet him in the room, be fine and have no regrets. At the same time you can get yourself into something that is a LOT harder to get out of.

If you want to wait and he isn't willing... this will tell you volumes about who is is.

I have done both options... you can play right away and be safe and you can wait and still get yourself hurt. It just comes down to which you are more comfortable with once you realize the risks.

 

[Prof Bill]

Lots of good advice here, and some that's not so good, in my opinion. I like what Ms. Diva says. The way I learned from long-time subs and Doms, it's best to meet in a neutral location where it would be almost impossible to hook up. It may well be that this was the raison d'être of munches in many places. Neutral place, lots of people around. See if you're comfortable with him/her. See if he/she is comfortable in public with you. And have safe calls set up. Make the first one when you get to where you're going. Make the next one sometime during the meeting (excuse yourself to go to the restroom or something). Make another if you decide to do something together. Make the last one when it's all over and you're leaving the place. Also, make sure you know the other person's name, phone number, and address. Tell him/her you'll be asking for ID when you first get together.

Sure, this sounds like a lot of paranoia--but every year two or three people in the scene seem to end up dead because they did not take these precautions. Dead is no fun. There are real creeps out there and they get their kicks out of harming you. They come in both sexes, also.

Finally, no Dom that I've met (in over 20 years in the scene) would object to any of this because it makes sense. Doms should have safe calls, also, because nothing says someone can't be an axe-murderer (or something) and call him/herself a sub.

 

[Stormie64]

I appreciate all of the replies. Thank You.

I just posted a thread about meeting Him. Please read if you get a chance. Yes, it was at the hotel. Nothing bad happened. I know it very well could have and that would have been my fault.

He lives in another city an hour away from me. He is discreet. He doesn't want anyone to know our business. He actually has my Fetlife password. It was so He could make some changes to my profile. He said I could change it back. I just haven't yet. Hence, one of my demerits. Giving out too much personal information. I didn't think I did but..........

Something he said I don't really understand. He does not want to know personal stuff about me. He said it would cloud his being able to dominate me. But how can a person not take that into consideration? My personal things affects my being a sub. I guess I just need a clearer definition of what W/we are and aren't.

Again, thanks. There are so many kind people here with a wealth of knowledge. Thanks for being patient with a newbie.

 

[CBM514]

I appreciate all of the replies. Thank You.

I just posted a thread about meeting Him. Please read if you get a chance. Yes, it was at the hotel. Nothing bad happened. I know it very well could have and that would have been my fault.

He lives in another city an hour away from me. He is discreet. He doesn't want anyone to know our business. He actually has my Fetlife password. It was so He could make some changes to my profile. He said I could change it back. I just haven't yet. Hence, one of my demerits. Giving out too much personal information. I didn't think I did but..........

Something he said I don't really understand. He does not want to know personal stuff about me. He said it would cloud his being able to dominate me. But how can a person not take that into consideration? My personal things affects my being a sub. I guess I just need a clearer definition of what W/we are and aren't.

Again, thanks. There are so many kind people here with a wealth of knowledge. Thanks for being patient with a newbie.

It sounds like he is trying to keep you at arms length and still under control...maybe it's a fine line of distinction I haven't picked up from your posts yet, but does he /will he control Every aspect of your life or just when your are together? Maybe he just wants blind obedience with no regard to your perspective or wishes?

 

[Stormie64]

It sounds like he is trying to keep you at arms length and still under control...maybe it's a fine line of distinction I haven't picked up from your posts yet, but does he /will he control Every aspect of your life or just when your are together? Maybe he just wants blind obedience with no regard to your perspective or wishes?

You bring up a very good question. I need to ask that. He did say he just wants to dominate me sexually.

If you can think of any good questions to ask, please let me know.

I value all the informative replies I have received. I appreciate your time.

 

[CBM514]

He's married and doesn't want his family and friends finding out what he's up to.

He wants to know about you without attaching to you. That's why he wanted into your fetlife account. The changes to your profile thing was just an excuse to snoop. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD NOW! ... I'll wait here.

He doesn't want to know about you because he doesn't want to develop emotional attachment. He has that with his wife. He just wants kinky sex without having to pay for it.

He's not a real Dom. A real Dom understands that the D/s relationship goes far beyond being sexual. In fact while it is usually sexual in the broadest sense, there need not be actual sex. I think its pretty clear what he's looking for.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but don't want you to get hurt.

That's a very possible theory...if all you want is to be sexually dominated on his terms from time to time then it sounds like the arrangement will work for you...if you want a dom who will take care of you in eternal sessions, early indicators are that you may be disappointed...

 

[DappleDoxie]

** He is discreet. He doesn't want anyone to know our business. **

** He does not want to know personal stuff about me. He said it would cloud his being able to dominate me. But how can a person not take that into consideration? My personal things affects my being a sub. I guess I just need a clearer definition of what W/we are and aren't. **

Discreet ... Not wanting to be personal ... This screams red flags to me. But then, the relationships I seek are more intimate - the sex/Domination is the cherry on the sundae. An integral and connecting part of the relationship as a whole. I want to know everything about the man in my bed and for Him to know me.
If what you want is a wham, bam, see you later sexual encounter, he may be your guy. If you seek anything deeper, you are likely in for heartbreak. I smell married looking for booty call.
Gaining your password, and dictating whom you speak with - that is so over the top for a first meeting. You may be new ... but you need to determine what you seek and if this 'Dom' suits those needs in a comfortable, comforting manner
Best of luck!!

 

[Stormie64]

Confession time. He did say he was separated. Of course, he waited until I was at the motel to tell me this...........after the session.

He said since this was happening with Him & his wife getting back together that I could talk/play with guys if I wanted to. But that if He was wanting to see me, He was priority...............

I know what I'd tell others in this same situation. Run, fast, run, NOW. I already have feeling for him. I'm that way. When I fall, I fall hard. I know this has so many red flags.


I wrote my first erotic story (short one) & it was before Him & I got together. I want to share it..............

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Confession time. He did say he was separated. Of course, he waited until I was at the motel to tell me this...........after the session.

He said since this was happening with Him & his wife getting back together that I could talk/play with guys if I wanted to. But that if He was wanting to see me, He was priority...............If HE wants a booty call, you're to drop everything (including your panties) and bend over. If YOU want a booty call, is he going to reciprocate?

I know what I'd tell others in this same situation. Run, fast, run, NOW. I already have feeling for him. I'm that way. When I fall, I fall hard. I know this has so many red flags.


I wrote my first erotic story (short one) & it was before Him & I got together. I want to share it..............

Stormie, you're young and (relatively, at least) inexperienced, and it is *my* judgment that you're being used by a wannabe "Dom" who just wants to dip his wick in some strange.

Please, at least until you've had an opportunity to sit down and *talk* with him in a non-sexual setting about what each of you wants and expects from this potential relationship, stop all private and/or D/s meetings wih him. Look up groups (on Fetlife) within a reasonable distance of your home that hold munches, and meet some people with experience, and talk to them about how they met their partners, the negotiations they went through, and the changes that have occurred in their relationships.

YOU see red flags... *I* see a whole *field* of them...and I've been doing this for >40 years. (And yes, I made some of these same mistakes when I was starting out!)

 

[Stormie64]

Stormie, you're young and (relatively, at least) inexperienced, and it is *my* judgment that you're being used by a wannabe "Dom" who just wants to dip his wick in some strange.

Please, at least until you've had an opportunity to sit down and *talk* with him in a non-sexual setting about what each of you wants and expects from this potential relationship, stop all private and/or D/s meetings wih him. Look up groups (on Fetlife) within a reasonable distance of your home that hold munches, and meet some people with experience, and talk to them about how they met their partners, the negotiations they went through, and the changes that have occurred in their relationships.

YOU see red flags... *I* see a whole *field* of them...and I've been doing this for >40 years. (And yes, I made some of these same mistakes when I was starting out!)

Thank You for Your reply Sir. I am not meeting him again unless we talk. Right now it looks like this might be it. I guess it's better to have this end now and be hurt than six months from now and be truly devastated.

Live and learn right?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thank You for Your reply Sir. I am not meeting him again unless we talk. Right now it looks like this might be it. I guess it's better to have this end now and be hurt than six months from now and be truly devastated.

Live and learn right?

Absolutely right! We seldom really learn without having lived through some less than optimal circumstances - the trick is to learn from them and apply those lessons to our futures. And I have to admit that some lessons, I had to learn more than once...

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

There is power in letting go of the idea that there is a fixed right or wrong way for doing anything. Every choice has rewards and consequences. Every rose you pick has it's thorns. Every opportunity and experience will teach something.

Asking yourself what you did wrong leaves you in a spinning defensive state of justification and judgement which tends to just be draining. If you can instead step back and just ask yourself what you learned, and simply celebrate that, it goes a long way to preserving and protecting your self love. This is important because you will need to have it to help heal what hurts, stand up again and ask what you want to choose to do and learn next, and then trust yourself that you can get there.

Best of luck for you on your journey to wherever you choose to be.