once burned....

[kinkyknickers]

Hey MIS,

I have had issues with things from my past coming back to bite me on the arse. My trust issues are more due to what perfect strangers have done to me rather than anyone close to me.

These things happened about 10 years ago and, yes, I still have to fight the demons from time to time. They are a lot more infrequent than they used to be, but they are always there.

There was a time, not long after it happened that I was angry with any man who looked at me sideways on the street and I suffered debilitating panic attacks. It does get easier in time but I know that I do still have that trigger if something were to come up. Infact I had a mild panic attack only three or four weeks ago after an incident involving a guy who sexually harrassed me at work.

The thing is, I don't believe it is altogether a bad thing that I react to things the way I do, it's a defense mechanism and the experiences I have lived make me who I am, both good and bad. I've given up feeling guilty about my weaknesses because everybody has them.

My advice, stop counting the days. Instead, when you feel you're in a situation you don't like, look into yourself, learn from what you're feeling. Feel free to be scared or upset, the more you accept the way you feel, the less impact it will have on you. And above all talk about it (like you obviously have been) it's true that a problem shared is a problem halved. The issue may, indeed, never go away, but that doesn't mean it will always be a problem.

Wishing you happy thoughts, KK.

PS loved your penis power video. I don't think I've ever heard the words penis and vagina used so much at one time.

 

[Noor]

Talk therapy is not always enough. I had some problems after the first severe car accident and way too much PT. I associated touch with pain and learned shut down the feeling to my body but I couldn't always turn it back on when I wanted to. I was in a program that was a combination of massage therapy and psychotherapy which was quite helpful. The program was initially for people who had been physically abused, but it is also used for PTS and other body issues.

Other treatments to consider are EMDR, hypnosis, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Since I am always in pain 24/7 since the second drunk driver hit me, I have been looking for a way to somehow turn that off. For some reason parts of my body thinks it was just hit yesterday. I have been looking at EMDR as a possible solution.
I have had nerve/muscle retraining when I last relearned to walk, so I think this might work. Something to jump the current nerve pathways?

Being into numbers and physical systems, I tend think many things can solved if one keeps looking until they find the right pathway out.

 

[Homburg]

I disagree with the therapist in that A was the one she should have been able to trust the most...IMO, it is about trusting oneself most in any situation as that is what it leaves you doubting when you look at what has happened to you. That trust extends to meaning you trust yourself to make good choices, to see danger, to be able to react safely, be able to do your best to survive, have the skills needed to do that irrespective of who is on your side and/or what is happening.

Interestingly, trust in self has been a big topic of discussion between she and I recently. I asked her about it, and got her talking about that, and she realised that she did have some issues with trusting her perceptions and judgement. She knew something was gravely wrong in her relationship, but convinced herself all was right, and that scares her. My response was to live and learn. She recognises what happened, and knows what to look for, and will not let it happen again.

I think you have both made it clear it is not about trust of you, and I do not think anyone thought otherwise. As much as we want to fix it for those we love, sometimes they are the only one who can ultimately heal themselves. Support can be welcome, but moving on to a healthier place has to come from within the one struggling with the fallout from the past. It takes time, a long time usually.

Catalina

I told her when we first started that this would take time. It's frustrating for me, as I see wreckage strewn about and see it hurting her, and I can't take action. Not a happy thing for me, but I recognise that action is basically useless here. All I can do is quiet, long-term things.

Also along the lines of what you posted, is that I have been working to get her more real-world functional and independent, teaching and showing the little things that I take for granted but she was never shown (certain driving techniques, for example).

----

I'm guessing you just need to give yourself a lot more time (years, not months; you may not see it clearly, but the progress will be there), good therapy and hard work. I know it's tempting to focus on your current relationship, but I'd suggest that now is the time to be focusing on yourself. It's easier and natural to avoid by focusing on other people, relationships and things (e.g. feeling bad, and being most concerned, about the impact this has on your partner/relationship; not making enough progress in four months) but the real answers and healing lie deep inside of us. I'm sure Homburg can help you with refocusing your thoughts, feelings and energy on yourself when you start to veer off course, too.

This is definitely something I do, probably to her annoyance at times

Good luck! Dealing with it completely is so hard, but so worth it. Keep taking steps in the right direction, recognizing even the smallest bits of progress, and know that it will get better.

I've been watching the progress. It's huge. While we were still just friends, talking about these issues would lead to emotional breakdowns, and I had to avoid it like crazy. In the first month or so, she focused totally on me, trying to ignore these thoughts, and could still get very emotionally ragged if they came up. As a little distance was achieved, I started asking about them, and working to get her into therapy again. She would cry, and feel awful, and be depressed. Now she brings them up on her own, without panicing or breaking down emotionally. She's even gotten angry a few times, which I personally consider progress, no matter how painful she found it.

She's made brilliant progress already, and I'm really proud of her.

 

[intothewoods]

Exactly, which is why it is important to reach a place where she can trust her own judgment, emotions, actions again...this has nothing to do with you, or anyone else, as it is trust in oneself which creates the feeling of safety no matter what may happen, and over time can provide a means of exorcising the problems she is having to a point where they are manageable at least. I disagree with the therapist in that A was the one she should have been able to trust the most...IMO, it is about trusting oneself most in any situation as that is what it leaves you doubting when you look at what has happened to you. That trust extends to meaning you trust yourself to make good choices, to see danger, to be able to react safely, be able to do your best to survive, have the skills needed to do that irrespective of who is on your side and/or what is happening.

I think you have both made it clear it is not about trust of you, and I do not think anyone thought otherwise. As much as we want to fix it for those we love, sometimes they are the only one who can ultimately heal themselves. Support can be welcome, but moving on to a healthier place has to come from within the one struggling with the fallout from the past. It takes time, a long time usually.

Catalina

Great post, cat.

I know it's not popular around here to say that some things come with age, but I find that my trust in myself and my judgments is so much stronger than it was at age 20, or even 25. Of course, there are mature 20 year olds and immature 50 year olds. I'm just speaking very generally.

Fwiw in this thread, working to trust my own judgment has also been a major theme in my own work in therapy (and btw, again, cognitive therapy plus medication and other forms of treatment is often recommended for stuff like PTSD -- I don't think cognitive therapy alone is a cure-all). I would say that last summer and certainly fall and even through winter 2007, I had a really tough time trusting myself and my ability to make good decisions about romantic partners. One pretty good sized fuck up had set me way back, and it didn't take much to reduce me to tears, self-pity and an inability to decide what kind of bread I wanted with my sandwich. It's taken a while, and some hard and exhausting work in therapy (seriously, I don't say this lightly), but putting the time and effort in has definitely been worth it. I feel so much better about life than this time last year.

 

[vampire28]

MIS,

Congratulations! You've taken control of the situation by finding a therapist you can work with. Always remember that. You have taken control.

PTSD is a complicated disorder. It takes time to work through the symptoms and find relief. It is true that it is a disorder that is treated not cured. But know that the treatment can make the symptoms recede to a point that you can live with.

There are many effective treatments, but like all treatments some work for some people and don't work for others. It sounds like your therapist is helping you find a treatment that works.

Please don't be discouraged. It takes time to recover from what you went through.

Good luck.

 

[Kajira Callista]

****

 

[Kajira Callista]

PTSD can go away if treated, some people can even move past it on their own but it can go away. At least for the guys i know, while not similar to what happened to her, a year getting shot at and blown up cause PTSD in a lot of people.

And put them back in a situation where they are getting shot at or fear they may be and watch how fast it returns.

 

[myinnerslut]

thank you all for your responses. its nice to know i am not the only one who feels this way at times. its very frustrating, but im going to therapy for it, and Master has been amazing. as has my family.

 

[Noor]

And put them back in a situation where they are getting shot at or fear they may be and watch how fast it returns.

I was thinking that when I read that post.

The problem with relationship abuse related PTSD is that its hard not to be in a relationship.

 

[SubKekiLee]

MIS
Yes I too have suffered from a "bad" PYL and now been with a good PYL... He is wonderful and has had the heart of a gentle giant and the mind of Albert Einstien.. He is truly a gift to me. He is truly wonderful he worked with me through the issues and let me give him a hard time even when he didnt deserve it... We talked about this today in fact that he saw something in me that he knew if he could get to other side a cherished prize he would receive.... I think it takes having an amazing Master and Having time youll work through your issues and Rida gave the best advice just to remember that you are a cherished slave and that Master and your sister slave love you to the ends of the earth

 

[lil_slave_rose]

the issues that most concern me now are the flashbacks and the subconscious reactions i have. i hope it didnt come off as if i lacked trust for Master. i trust him with every part of me. it is the subconscious that causes me issues, the dreams, the fear of abandonment.

i am hoping that people who lived through something similiar will be able to voice a few suggestions on healing.

as a survivor of an abusive marriage (was 'nilla marriage) i have to say, i've been out of that marriage for 7 years, and i STILL have the same issues that i had 7 years ago. they have gotten a little better with time, but i have major trust issues, i still have "flashbacks", i still have dreams, i still flinch sometimes when Dave is talking to me and using his hands to talk (he does that alot) it's subconscience and as soon as i do it, i realize what i've done and he apologizes, it's not his fault, it just IS. it sucks.

it sounds like you are on the right road. i wish i had some great words of wisdom or something i could tell you to do to make it easier or to make it stop, but i don't have it, as i'm still dealing with the same issues. alot of them have faded away over time or lessened but they are still there. ::hugs:: and i hope it gets better for you, i really do.

 

[PertPerth]

There is so much good advice here!

Interestingly, trust in self has been a big topic of discussion between she and I recently. I asked her about it, and got her talking about that, and she realised that she did have some issues with trusting her perceptions and judgement. She knew something was gravely wrong in her relationship, but convinced herself all was right, and that scares her. My response was to live and learn. She recognises what happened, and knows what to look for, and will not let it happen again.

This is something I totally identify with. I forgive myself for being abused as a child, for I was too young to understand. When I was old enough to know better I let someone come into my life - they almost took it from me. I almost let them. I still question my own judgement.

She's made brilliant progress already, and I'm really proud of her.

It's hearing things like this, from credible people, which mean so much.

Well done, MIS, it seems you have put yourself on the path of healing.
Coping mechanisms, flash-backs, panic attacks...they stay for as long as they're needed. Personally, I think that you will find one day you'll be free of them. After all, you are loved.

 

[intothewoods]

MIS
Yes I too have suffered from a "bad" PYL and now been with a good PYL... He is wonderful and has had the heart and mind of a giant... He is truly wonderful he worked with me through the issues and let me give him a hard time even when he didnt deserve it... We talked about this today in fact that he saw something in me that he knew if he could get to other side a cherished prize he would receive.... I think it takes having an amazing Master and Having time youll work through your issues and Rida gave the best advice just to remember that you are a cherished slave and that Master and your sister slave love you to the ends of the earth

Just fyi. I don't think giants are exactly known for their brain power. How about - he has the heart of a gentle giant, and the mind of ... a wizard. I dunno, just sticking with the wizards and warlocks theme here.

 

[ryanslavemaster]

that woman was pretty awesome

 

[SubKekiLee]

Just fyi. I don't think giants are exactly known for their brain power. How about - he has the heart of a gentle giant, and the mind of ... a wizard. I dunno, just sticking with the wizards and warlocks theme here.

DONE! I edited it I think I left things out maybe I was tired.. hmmmm but I fixed it..

 

[intothewoods]

DONE! I edited it I think I left things out maybe I was tired.. hmmmm but I fixed it..

Ha! It's funny, the things that needle at me. I might have some control issues.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Ha! It's funny, the things that needle at me. I might have some control issues.

Ummm you... nah... Never... Not you.. hahahaah Thanks anyway..

 

[minx1]

Hope things are going well MIS and Homburg.

Keep us posted eh

 

[Homburg]

Hope things are going well MIS and Homburg.

Keep us posted eh

Life has gotten temporarily overbusy for MIS, including some MAJOR changes, and that has caused some attendant stressors. No fun, but it should get better this weekend

 

[katalynn]

Prosecution produces court records, which puts her kink life in the public record. Not a good idea.

--



I got so yelled at when I offered her brother a standing alibi.

You can do this mentally. I have done it multiple times. It really does help on some level. It's a meditative thing that I do once in awhile. Not necessiarily (sp) mean go out and physically kill the person. Just mentally get rid of him in your thoughts. I have a whole process for that though, so gotta play around and see what works for you.