Open Letter to Doms Looking for Subs

[lovetoread]

Re: oh...mental impact

I wrote:
it's still the mental impact of the message that feels good moreso than the endomorphine rush.

I meant the message that's being delivered during the act (that is instilling the "pain") is more powerful than the physical sensation.

Duh. Excuse me. It's early in the morning...
AH

Good morning and welcome to Lit.

 

[Hecate]

In defense of my kind ....

... I borrowed the initial post by dr. mabeuse:


Open Letter to Subs Looking for Doms

After reading some of the horror stories related here by Doms who've been contacted by ill-informed, ignorant, and just plain neurotic subs, it's apparent that a huge number of these wannabe's have no idea what the lifestyle's all about. While it's probably hopeless to try and explain things to these people, I thought I would have a go at explaining a few basic facts.

(1) A Dominant is not going to hook up with someone because that person tries to kiss their ass or promises blind faith and service to them. The key to a D/s relationship is love and trust and if you have no idea what that means, then go learn.

(2) Your super-sub posturings are ludicrous. Real subs don't constantly belittle themselves. Your proclaimed passiveness and "do as thou willt to me" posture is not equalling submission.

(3) Flash: Dominants are human beings first, foremost, and always. They need to be approached with respect and love. Dominants are no mind-readers and they need reassurance as much as everyone else.

(4) Flash number 2: When you contact a Dominant, try acting like a human being first, and then explore the D/s side. You can always get more sub; you won't get a chance to show your human side if you've bored the Dominant off first or angered the Dominant by making him look like an easily gullible fool.


It's good that we can laugh at some of their fumbling attempts to show us how subservient and genuine they are, but the fact is these people damage us all. This kind of person scares off people who are just beginning to explore BDSM, confirming their worst fears that it's a world of mentally disturbed, neurotic psychopaths with childhood issues who need to be tiptoed around to avoid any abuse accusations, and they give all of us who are into it a bad name and reputaion.

___________________________________________________
end of borrowed post



To add a few of my own experiences and feelings:

I assume the couter-mail to the "Kneel before your Master, slut!" would have to be "I want to lick your boots, Mistress!"

Excuse me, but do Dominants come across that shallow?

And even more, if a submissive would be content with any relation of that depth (or lack thereof), obviously not willing to invest any more than that line in approaching The One you should respect, obey and worship the ground s/he walks on, what does that say about the future effort when that is supposed to be the famous "first impression"?

Does a submissive really expect an answer to that? Honestly?

I usually reply anyway - even if it will be a friendly "thanks, but no thanks". But the amount of submissives not understanding a "No" from someone they basically promise to accept as the authority in their lives is really amazing.

Good fun are the " Young, good looking stud-sub wants to serve older Mistress and be taught the kinky side of sex" - type.
Guys (and girls): specially older women (like me at age 35!) are not really putting much emphasis on brains! So this is just the right way to go! We are feeling oh so mature in our mid 30's and can't lay our hands on enough young flesh without a clue what to do!

Get real - experienced Dominants, intelligent and sensible, sensitive and skilled, are as rare as are true and willing submissives. Do not treat us like sex-fiends who only need a squirming aim for our whips or some valve for our sexual sadist frustration. We are clever and witty, with a tight grip on reality and our place in it - you better hope we are anyway since you are going to put your lives into our hands. That said - would any submissive really hook up with a Dominant falling for such a shallow line?

 

[SaltydogNH]

Re: In defense of my kind ....

... I borrowed the initial post by dr. mabeuse:


Open Letter to Subs Looking for Doms

After reading some of the horror stories related here by Doms who've been contacted by ill-informed, ignorant, and just plain neurotic subs, it's apparent that a huge number of these wannabe's have no idea what the lifestyle's all about. While it's probably hopeless to try and explain things to these people, I thought I would have a go at explaining a few basic facts.

(1) A Dominant is not going to hook up with someone because that person tries to kiss their ass or promises blind faith and service to them. The key to a D/s relationship is love and trust and if you have no idea what that means, then go learn.

(2) Your super-sub posturings are ludicrous. Real subs don't constantly belittle themselves. Your proclaimed passiveness and "do as thou willt to me" posture is not equalling submission.

(3) Flash: Dominants are human beings first, foremost, and always. They need to be approached with respect and love. Dominants are no mind-readers and they need reassurance as much as everyone else.

(4) Flash number 2: When you contact a Dominant, try acting like a human being first, and then explore the D/s side. You can always get more sub; you won't get a chance to show your human side if you've bored the Dominant off first or angered the Dominant by making him look like an easily gullible fool.


It's good that we can laugh at some of their fumbling attempts to show us how subservient and genuine they are, but the fact is these people damage us all. This kind of person scares off people who are just beginning to explore BDSM, confirming their worst fears that it's a world of mentally disturbed, neurotic psychopaths with childhood issues who need to be tiptoed around to avoid any abuse accusations, and they give all of us who are into it a bad name and reputaion.

___________________________________________________
end of borrowed post



To add a few of my own experiences and feelings:

I assume the couter-mail to the "Kneel before your Master, slut!" would have to be "I want to lick your boots, Mistress!"

Excuse me, but do Dominants come across that shallow?

And even more, if a submissive would be content with any relation of that depth (or lack thereof), obviously not willing to invest any more than that line in approaching The One you should respect, obey and worship the ground s/he walks on, what does that say about the future effort when that is supposed to be the famous "first impression"?

Does a submissive really expect an answer to that? Honestly?

I usually reply anyway - even if it will be a friendly "thanks, but no thanks". But the amount of submissives not understanding a "No" from someone they basically promise to accept as the authority in their lives is really amazing.

Good fun are the " Young, good looking stud-sub wants to serve older Mistress and be taught the kinky side of sex" - type.
Guys (and girls): specially older women (like me at age 35!) are not really putting much emphasis on brains! So this is just the right way to go! We are feeling oh so mature in our mid 30's and can't lay our hands on enough young flesh without a clue what to do!

Get real - experienced Dominants, intelligent and sensible, sensitive and skilled, are as rare as are true and willing submissives. Do not treat us like sex-fiends who only need a squirming aim for our whips or some valve for our sexual sadist frustration. We are clever and witty, with a tight grip on reality and our place in it - you better hope we are anyway since you are going to put your lives into our hands. That said - would any submissive really hook up with a Dominant falling for such a shallow line?

Well said Hecate,

If I for one want to have sex with firm flesh that is mindless and willing, I can always just reach down and take matters into my own hands.

I seek a sub who brings depth and texture, who's spirit will stand the stress of being trained but not broken.

regards,
Salty

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: In defense of my kind ....

Get real - experienced Dominants, intelligent and sensible, sensitive and skilled, are as rare as are true and willing submissives. Do not treat us like sex-fiends who only need a squirming aim for our whips or some valve for our sexual sadist frustration. We are clever and witty, with a tight grip on reality and our place in it - you better hope we are anyway since you are going to put your lives into our hands. That said - would any submissive really hook up with a Dominant falling for such a shallow line?

Exactly, Hecate.

And as for sex, I am perfectly capable of getting laid without resorting to donning black leather 6" heels, and wielding a flogger!

And at my age, I have had plenty of hunk dick, and can stand to have other interests.

Unless a male has two dicks, I think he had better come toward me with better credentials.

If you do not want to serve, then go away and play elsewhere.

Eb

 

[SaltydogNH]

Re: Re: In defense of my kind ....

Exactly, Hecate.

And as for sex, I am perfectly capable of getting laid without resorting to donning black leather 6" heels, and wielding a flogger!

Eb

What an image,

 

[cgraven]

dr_mabeuse,

Well said you are so write love & trust the base to all true Dom/ sub relationships, as well as all other successful ones as well.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bump

 

[froggy_day]

I needed this thread

I'd like to thank all the lovely people here ... this has been the nicest, most helpful place I've found online.

As many of you know, my Girlfriend Aerofreak and are seeking submissives ... it has been a rocky infuriating road.

I have encountered:
1. Tons of sub boys that say
"i'll do anything you want Misstress/Goddess"
*anything!! anything!! then they'ed just give ME ALL their money and go back to hiding under the rock they came from ... why do people think this is a turn on for me? I am admittedly inexperienced but the whole turn on is trust and that has to be earned.
*Misstress/Goddess!! I'm not going to domme every boy I run into why should they assume this? Ug.
O
n the other hand I do want some respect and most of the guys I've talked to want to be a bit formal, Miss is good for that, I like that.

2. A couple doms have send us messages
* What part of "looking for sub males" did they miss?

3. A couple couples and female subs have sent us messages
* Did they miss that male thing too or should we just assume they are males in disguise?

4. Several males looking for online only, many in marriages:
* They apparently don't understand the real time skin to skin aspect that we keep telling people we want (the only thing we want). They also missed the part where we said we were looking for sub males for a commited long term relationship ... geez if you're fooling around behind your wife's back I know you'll do it to me too ... I'm not stupid.

5. A few males have approached us with the attitude that we have to make them submit by "laying down the law" and implying they would only submit to someone who first beat them.
* That's great, but then they won't go away when we explain that we're looking for sub males to be service oriented, treated with respect and punished only ass needed, we don't enjoy giving pain so don't want a sub who enjoys recieving pain .... We do understand the need for trust and respect but that is earned not aquiered through a few severe beatings ...

6. Many males who tell us we're not dominant because we don't want to degrade them or cuase pain (We've never said there wouldn't be punishment but why does punishment have to be physical or verbal ... can't it be denial or banishment). We've also been told that we're not dominant becauase we want to treat a sub with respect, as a person and don't want a sub that can't survive without soneone to take care of him ...

7. Many males who tell us big is not beautiful ... We are both big beautiful women and we are beautiful ... I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I don't need bitched at by a boy who really likes me until he finds out that I'm not a size 2 ...

8. Many males have told us we're just "wannabe's" because we aren't into what they're into and won't bend for them ... if we bent our wished to suit them that wouldn't be very dominant would it?


sorry about the length of this all ... just needed to vent.

 

[Mr Blonde]

BUMP

Many good points are made in this thread.

 

[rosco rathbone]

After reading some of the horror stories related here by subs who've been contacted by ill-informed, ignorant, and just plain scary Doms, it's apparent that a huge number of these wannabe's have no idea what the lifestyle's all about. While it's probably hopeless to try and explain things to these people, I thought I would have a go at explaining a few basic facts.

(1) A sub is not going to hook up with someone because that person tries to intimidate or threaten them. The key to a D/s relationship is love and trust and if you have no idea what that means, then go learn.

(2) Your super-Dom posturings are ludicrous. Real Doms don't have to strut and beat their chests, and it's a law of nature that one's penis size in inversely proportional to one's macho posturing.

(3) Flash: subs are human beings first, foremost, and always. They need to be approached with respect and love. Even in a 24/7 eat-out-of-a-dog's-bowl relationship, the sub must know that these feelings exist.

(4) Flash number 2: When you contact a sub, try acting like a human being first, and then explore the D/s side. You can always get more Dom; you won't get a chance to show your human side if you've scared her off first.

It's good that we can laugh at some of their fumbling attempts to show us how bad they are, but the fact is these people damage us all. This kind of person scares off people who are just beginning to explore BDSM, confirming their worst fears that it's a world of misogynistic psychopaths, and they give all of us who are into it a bad name and reputaion.

---dr.M.

Ah, it's always good to see the old "don't worry, baby...daddy will protect you from the big bad false dominants" come-on; as recently skewered by me in my "Ask the Master" thread. A fine bump.

 

[Esclava]

Re: Re: Open Letter to Doms Looking for Subs

Ah, it's always good to see the old "don't worry, baby...daddy will protect you from the big bad false dominants" come-on; as recently skewered by me in my "Ask the Master" thread. A fine bump.

Dr. M, thanks for an interesting look into the minds of Doms/subs.
It has been interesting.

MRathbone, I hung out in Ask the Master until people quit posting. And I did ask questions! I thought about trying to resurrect that thread, but haven't quite figured out how - such attitude on it - yikes! But, if this is the happening place to post, then I guess I shall have to come back here, then. See you on the boards!

Esclava

 

[Quint]

It's NOT always possible to be a human first and then introduce more dominance. First impressions are damned important; if I don't feel that keen edge of respect for my partner as my superior FIRST, I don't think it can ever fully appear. This is a conclusion I draw based on my first relationship, where we were vanilla equals first and then later tried developing a power exchange-based lifestyle. I just couldn't make myself believe it.

But I understand that lots of couples, even married ones, do have years of equality and then successfully transition into D/s, so this is just my experience. Just struggling to come out from under the blanket statement.

 

[the Royal wench]

Reading through the do's and don'ts for Doms and subs in this thread it strikes me that all those come-ons seem either false or desparate. The Doms I have talked to who seemed (to me at least) to be true dominants just talked about regular things for the most part though conversations did often veer off towards preferences. The thing that made them seem dominant was their confidence and control of themselves, not the demands they wanted to make. Demanding 'Doms' I've met have seemed more like scary assholes to me.

 

[Esclava]

Reading through the do's and don'ts for Doms and subs in this thread it strikes me that all those come-ons seem either false or desparate. The Doms I have talked to who seemed (to me at least) to be true dominants just talked about regular things for the most part though conversations did often veer off towards preferences. The thing that made them seem dominant was their confidence and control of themselves, not the demands they wanted to make. Demanding 'Doms' I've met have seemed more like scary assholes to me.

I agree with you there wench! Especially that last sentence. I met my Master in a game room and we talked about many things - but all the while, he kept me at a distance. He called it "selectiveness." (the confidence and control) He never allowed me too close or just let me get a little closer, then put up the stop sign. It took weeks for him to open the door and let me sit in the foyer of his mind. When he would ask for pics, he was, intensely, patient when my equipment was on the fritz and said our time talking was much more important.

He is only demanding when working me and when I would lose my cool (hasn't happened in 8 months-but one never knows ...), he just says, "Slave, go get my spoon!" and I know what is coming.

I relish his assured self control, his wisdom and the grace he surrounds me with. I only hope I can find a r/l one well matched or better.

Esclava

 

[bronntanas]

I found this while searching for something else. Interesting thread...

 

[Killishandra]

I found this while searching for something else. Interesting thread...

Indeed. I rather like what the thread originator had to say.

 

[bronntanas]

I thought so too. It reminded me of another thread around here recently, where someone was asking for advice and such... I just can't remember which one it was. I blame it on the drink that night...

BTW..

NICE Av. You need a warning label or something.

 

[Killishandra]

I thought so too. It reminded me of another thread around here recently, where someone was asking for advice and such... I just can't remember which one it was. I blame it on the drink that night...

BTW..

NICE Av. You need a warning label or something.

Thank you, Bronntanas.

I saw a pic of you for the first time tonight (forget which thread, but you posted a link to the face pics thread) and now would be an appropriate time to confess that I found you quite attractive too. Snowy wasn't kidding... lol.

*scuttles shyly back to packing up her apartment*

 

[bronntanas]

Thank you, Bronntanas.

I saw a pic of you for the first time tonight (forget which thread, but you posted a link to the face pics thread) and now would be an appropriate time to confess that I found you quite attractive too. Snowy wasn't kidding... lol.

*scuttles shyly back to packing up her apartment*

[hijack] Thank you. [/hijack]

 

[sophia jane]

Excellent thread. The letter to Doms and the letter to subs both raise great points. A nice little reminder.

SJ

 

[Jay Davis]

At various points, various posters ask if Dommes come across this way too. In my experience, some do come on all strong from the start ("You will bow down and serve Me fully, worm!"), but those are usually the ones that end their profiles with, "Financial tribute is not just expected, it is REQUIRED to be My slave!"). These aren't Dommes, they are golddiggers looking for sugardaddies. They've realized that if they play dominatrix, they probably won't have to have sex with the poor old fat sap.

There are poseur Dommes out there, the real counterpart to the faux-Doms the Dr. Mabeuse was addressing. They are driven by the same motivations--desperation, loneliness, and low self-esteem--but they manifest differently. They put on a leather bustier and spike heels, and wave a crop around, but turn out to be needy, clingy, desperate and insecure. They are the exact opposite of the confident, self-possessed dominant role they are playing at. Sometimes, their tactics work for a while, because frankly, male subs can be pretty vulnerable to being manipulated.

I had one woman one time break down and cry on the very first phone conversation, when I found out she was 1,000 miles away, and told her an LDR was out of the question. (We'd IMed and emailed back and forth a few times, but she'd been coy about her personal info, not revealing that she wasn't local to my area until we spoke on the phone.) I'd become just the latest in a long line of men to reject her and damage her self-esteem, when I was trying to stand firm against her pleas to "give it a chance." I was trying to do the right thing, being honest and looking out for both of us, but I wound up feeling like a heel.

That's the most extreme example I've run into, but certainly not the only one.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Thanks & Apologies

In my on going "research" I came upon your thread and took the time to read through it.. Thanks for the topic, I'm sure it will help in my story I've been asked to write for a fan. I myself haven't experienced BDSM in real life only a light thing in an online fantasy along time ago and a couple of very light bondage in a story I wrote.. off to perv more of the BDSM threads ~ RH&F

I'm adding this edit to apologize to anyone I have offended or upset.. That wasn't my intention, nor did I mean for it to come across the way that it has been for seen.. I truely meant no harm~Dee

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thanks for this. Well said.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

I apologize to anyone I have offended or upset.. That wasn't my intention, nor did I mean for it to come across the way that it has been for seen.. I truely meant no harm~Dee