Opinions please ?

[Netzach]

Personally, I would push back.

Take this with a grain of salt, I'm a Top with extensive experience as a not particularly good bottom.

I'd push back, and not in a way that's necessarily a come-on or a turnoff. See if he handles it with maturity and tact, after all if he can't at this point he won't later.

Possible replies that come to mind:

"Oh, are we there yet?"

"Oh, I was thinking of considering myself 'new to this'."

"Perhaps we need to have a talk."

But keep in mind:
the bar I created for people who would Top me was set very very high. I don't bottom easily nor naturally. And I can wait on it, if I turned off a potential Top just because they failed the initial screening, oh well.
I only wanted to be topped by people who exhibited extraordinary patience, graciousness, and suaveness, heavy-handed gestures right away were always a turnoff and would make it not happen. Amazing how many Tops employ nothing but.

If you are too nervous to ask him what he meant by that and if he could clarify, then maybe that's something you need to address. If you are to do BDSM with a sense of self-preservation you are going to have to discuss things that you would not normally discuss, you are going to have to negotiate and talk about over things that make most adults blush and act silly, and in a serious way so that you get what you bargained for.

When things go too far, it's usually as much the fault of the bottom as the Top, because the bottom failed to adequately articulate what is not acceptable or possible for him or her.

 

[s'lara]

<snip>If you are too nervous to ask him what he meant by that and if he could clarify, then maybe that's something you need to address. If you are to do BDSM with a sense of self-preservation you are going to have to discuss things that you would not normally discuss, you are going to have to negotiate and talk about over things that make most adults blush and act silly, and in a serious way so that you get what you bargained for.

When things go too far, it's usually as much the fault of the bottom as the Top, because the bottom failed to adequately articulate what is not acceptable or possible for him or her.

amen.

 

[SilkVelvet]

deleted

 

[FungiUg]

Cool. Well, we will all cross fingers (or other body parts), hope for the best, and trust you will keep us informed.

Remember, don't rush, trust your instincts, listen, learn, and... have fun! Be safe, be cool.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It's a very interesting thing seeing the male and female points of view of this whole subject, both Dom/me and sub. Not that we've had any male subs weigh in....

*smiles*

~anelize, "being all analytical and sh*t"

None of the male subs I have want to post to this board. They do not like to post to public forums. It is their choice, and I do not make them cause I do not care one way or the other.

There are some male subs who occasionally pop in, but not a large number of them.

 

[MasterNJS]

There seems to be a variety of explainations for the "consider yourself on a long leash" comment...........and, as many potential suggestions for replies to that comment.........while I am firmly in the "ASK" cheering section, I might suggest that your reply be just as coy and ambigious as His.......ask Him how that long leash is going to effective, when in fact, there is nothing to attach it to.......and....bat your eyelashes and smile........

remember, you are submissive by nature, but dominated by choice.....YOUR CHOICE.......you are NOT a doormat.....

 

[Trainerman]

Sorry, but my Radar just went apeshit !

Hi Silkvelvet. I have been following this thread and all the good advice that has been offered. Having read your last (which I am quoting in part) there were one or two things that strike me as odd. Possibly, you have paraphrased to save time/space and I have the wrong impression. On the other hand...if you are actually quoting directly :-

I had a phone call on Friday apologising for not giving me the attention he feels I deserve .
How did that sound....... possibly just a chat up line?


Have since had an email saying that he does want to meet up, thinks we ought to take the whole thing slowly and that until he has sorted the probs all he can do is keep in touch. Told me they make take some time to sort, and if I don't want to wait that is entirely up to me and he would understand.
Unless I missed something, he was just supposed to be chatting to you about something you had recently found to be interesting. The above paragraph seems to indicate a lot of assumptions/presumptions. A bit like inertia selling..one is conditioned into going along with the 'sale' UNLESS one speaks out. e.g. Take WHAT slowly...a conversation????


Said he realises I must have lots of questions and he will answer all of them but he feels that it is best done in person rather than by email and have me waiting for a reply and maybe getting worried.
Really??? WOULD you worry if an answer took a while ? Why should you? I have many many times answered any and all questions by email. Whilst there may be sometimes when one wants to see how something is taken, when people are first investigating as you are I think it is a positive benefit to use written means. 1) It is there for frequent reference, if required. 2) it gives NON PRESSURISED thinking/cognition time. 3) possible, in early stages, helps avoid embarrassment. So, I have happily used this method and will continue to do so. But then I am not trying to pressure anyone nor get off on having a sexy conversation with them as I let my eyes and imagination run riot.


He said that I should realise that bdsm is not merely sex and is a state of mind, and that he thought we would be good together and that if so, he promised (capital letters) that he would never go further than I wanted to or give me any reason to feel unsafe and that nothing would take place without discussion beforehand. He finished by saying that he hasn't met anyone he likes as much in a long time but I have to do what I feel is right for me and signed himself The Boss )) lol xxx
Assumptions/presumptions again?? Unless you say you are out...you are in !! Furthermore discussions are not agreements...a subtle difference! When did he decide he hasn't met anyone he likes as much etc etc ??? Before or after he saw a flag waving with "potential sub" written on it?


I have only been emailing and talking on the phone with him a few weeks but he has been very open with me with the exception of the non vanilla sex stuff
V x

Why? why? and Why again ??


Don't get me wrong. I have no personal axe to grind and it maybe that I am in error. I hope that I am and that you are fulfilled and happy. Just...be careful !!
If you get as far as 'skin to skin', do you know about safe calls, how they are used and do you have someone to handle that for you?? Its worth a few minutes to think about
Take care and good luck

Dave

 

[SilkVelvet]

deleted

 

[FungiUg]

Cool! It's your decision (ultimately), and go with your feelings. As other people have said in other posts, they've noticed they only really get into trouble when they ignore that little inner voice.

We'll still be here and happy to make suggestions (possibly even lewd ones!) so feel free to learn, and join in as you go. And keep us posted! (We're nosey, what can I say?)

 

[Trainerman]

Cool! It's your decision (ultimately), and go with your feelings. As other people have said in other posts, they've noticed they only really get into trouble when they ignore that little inner voice.

We'll still be here and happy to make suggestions (possibly even lewd ones!) so feel free to learn, and join in as you go. And keep us posted! (We're nosey, what can I say?)

I just want to echo that.
SilkVelvet, there are many experienced people here who are only too willing to help.......so don't be afraid to come back with anymore questions or issues..ok?


Dave

 

[MissTaken]

I am glad you hvae given it some thought. Even if he is to be trusted, he will be there when you are ready...if it is meant to be.

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

Congratulations my lady I personally feel you have made the correct decision,as the lady Miss Taken said you can always revisit your decision and revise it,good luck to you
Bachlum Chaam

 

[Richard49]

From the brief information the poster provided
one would have to be a mind reader to truly answer
the question...... or prehaps I missed something

I have read all the responses ... all the suggestions are excellent within there own right ........

Here are some questions I have
1) How long have you know him?

2) How well have you know him that you got no hint of his involment in "something"

3) Had you had the lunch with him before that email?

4) are you both single and available?

5) How long and how much experence in BDSM D/s does he have?

If you are asking is there a universal meaning to telling someone you are putting them on a "long leash".... no.

I have caught up on posts
and read your remarks aboout how he refused to do email etc,

However I still have not read the answers to these questions
and I think the answers are important