Opinions sought re: cheating

[FurryFury]

Yes, but we are only hearing one side of the story here. Her's might be that she is quite interested but feels completely neglected and cut off, or it could be something else.

 

[subwannabe]

I remember a Dear Abby letter I read a long time ago. It was from a very religious and morally good husband who put up with no sex for years and years (decades) due to his vows and beliefs. She also said during the whole time that she just wasn't interested in sex anymore and didn't want to do it, period. He, of course, stayed with her but found out in his later years that she had actually been having lots of sex - with someone else. She didn't want to cheat on her lover so she kept on telling her husband all of that time that she just wasn't interested in sex anymore. He was totally devastated and felt like a fool because he went all of that time with no sex when he really didn't have to.

 

[FurryFury]

Now that makes sense. Marriage counseling might do more good than cheating.

 

[radepor]

If you have to ask, it may be cheating

I'm no great sage on the subject but will relate two stories.

1. My wife (now deceased) was a religious woman who was married to an older man prior to our marriage.

He contracted cancer and lingered, forever, before he succumbed to the disease. For whatever reason, my wife sought solace from another man during the last stages of her husbands illness.

She never forgave herself. I'm not in the least religious; I've stated on this website I'd have terminated a man who slept with my wife; but, despite my best attempts to reassure her of my love and respect despite her momentary weakness, her infidelity haunted her until her death.

2. I got raging drunk on a business trip; a male co-worker (also raging drunk) knocked on my motel door at 2:00 am (I was awake) and announced I was the "sexiest" man he'd ever seen. To make a long story short, we attempted but were too drunk to successfully accomplished the homosexual act.

I could not stand myself and confessed the event to the aforementioned woman. I'll never really know how she took it.

I'm seeking opinons as to whether utilizing the services of a pro domme would be considered cheating when one is living a celibate life because:

a.) one's spouse no longer has any interest at all in sex and no longer engages in it.

b.) the spouse, formerly quite open-minded, now considers any form of sex, other than 'vanilla' to be somewhat perverse.

c.) the celibacy is NOT a result of any form of submission, dominance or punishment.

d.) the pro domme's services are not being sought for the sex but rather for a sense of spiritual enlightenment and an exploration of one's limits.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Could not have said it better. The reality is though, when you have a sexuality that is never going to be addressed in your marriage you are already keeping a secret forever.

[snip]

You live once. Figure out how you want to do it. Yes you are about to cheat if you do it and 9 out of 10 lit posters are ready to crucify you as a coward, asshole, dickface, scumbucket.

From your previous post, I know that you understand that this is the question with which I'm really wrestling.

In reply to one comment made in response to my OP: Our marriage only ails in the sexual intimacy department....obviously an area of great frustration. In all other areas we are supportive best friends/companions. We mostly share the same values and many of the same interests.

Again, to all, thanks for your responses.

Yes, discussions have been had.

b.) "If this is the only part of the marriage that you're dissatified with, then decide if you're
better off with or w/o me."

Being between a rock & a hard place, I feel "doomed" no matter what I decide.

I understand where you are; I've been there. On what you say I am very confident that you are better off without her. As Netzach says, you only live once. I don't know about you but my sexuality is very important to me; if it is denied expression I am much less than a complete person. And in my last partnership I was denying it expression for a good number of years.

You have (in my opinion) to get out. It doesn't matter how complicated, difficult and expensive that is. It doesn't really matter very much how good the rest of the marriage is. You are crippling yourself emotionally and spiritually.

So, I think you need to just split. If she doesn't like that, tough; she gave the ultimatum. Call her bluff. It may be that, faced with the possibility of divorce, she'll prefer to tolerate you having a sexual relationship with someone else rather than leaving altogether, but even if she does I think you probably need to leave.

But I agree with everyone else - going behind her back is cheating.

 

[SlaveNano]

Yeah, it is cheating, there's no getting away from that.

But, the questions are - how great is your need to be dominated? and, how would you cope with managing the situation?

It is hard for any wife/husband/partner to be a friend/companion, lover, parent and then on top of that be a dominatrix and satisfy some of those darker desires that you have. People can be very adept at compartmentalising their lives but that is the other option you have. Yes, you have to accept the consequences of managing it, the guilt and the consequences of being caught but it can be done. The actual doing it can even become part of the play and provide its own kind of adrenaline rush.

My advice would be go and see a pro-domme. Choose carefully one that meets your needs by doing a bit of research on sites or talking to them, but from my experience pro-dommes are often wonderfully skilled and creative women who are capable of opening up your submissive side. Try it, and if you connect with one, take it from there. There are risks but if you are wired that way they may be worth taking.

One of the plus's of seeing a pro-domme is that you can explore all of those feelings in a pure domme/sub relationship uncluttered by whose turn it is to put the trash out or collect the kids from school or whatever.

 

[Calabama]

In reply to one comment made in response to my OP: Our marriage only ails in the sexual intimacy department....obviously an area of great frustration. In all other areas we are supportive best friends/companions. We mostly share the same values and many of the same interests.
.

I haven't read the entire thread, so this has probably already been suggested..... but did you consider counseling??

 

[FurryFury]

I haven't read the entire thread, so this has probably already been suggested..... but did you consider counseling??

Great post.

 

[Calabama]

Great post.

Ha, I know it may seem a bit obvious..... but counseling is usually the better first step.

Especially if you want your 'best friend' to remain your best friend.

 

[FurryFury]

Ha, I know it may seem a bit obvious..... but counseling is usually the better first step.

Especially if you want your 'best friend' to remain your best friend.

Exactly. I so agree.

 

[mistressmaxine]

I'm seeking opinons as to whether utilizing the services of a pro domme would be considered cheating when one is living a celibate life because:

a.) one's spouse no longer has any interest at all in sex and no longer engages in it.

b.) the spouse, formerly quite open-minded, now considers any form of sex, other than 'vanilla' to be somewhat perverse.

c.) the celibacy is NOT a result of any form of submission, dominance or punishment.

d.) the pro domme's services are not being sought for the sex but rather for a sense of spiritual enlightenment and an exploration of one's limits.

A really difficult question but in the end I suspect you will do what's right for you. I don't think it's as easy as cheating or not cheating. I used to when I was younger and idealistic but these days my feelings and opinions are not nearly so black and white!!!

 

[Light Ice]

I'm seeking opinons as to whether utilizing the services of a pro domme would be considered cheating when one is living a celibate life because:

a.) one's spouse no longer has any interest at all in sex and no longer engages in it.

b.) the spouse, formerly quite open-minded, now considers any form of sex, other than 'vanilla' to be somewhat perverse.

c.) the celibacy is NOT a result of any form of submission, dominance or punishment.

d.) the pro domme's services are not being sought for the sex but rather for a sense of spiritual enlightenment and an exploration of one's limits.

Yes. It's still cheating.

The nature of a commitment is not ambiguous or subject to change. A commitment is made to an individual and expected to be kept. In this instance it sounds like the other, the cheatee if you will, would not condone the cheater's straying. That in itself tells you that it's not morally acceptable conduct.

However.

What an awful position, and full sympathy to anyone in a similar position. I think you've a right to break commitments once you're no longer being satisfied so long as you're open and forward with your desires, and the need to break from it, on the frontside.