perceptions of abuse

[FungiUg]

is there any way that you have found that works well to convince close friends or family that you are not an abuser/being abused?

Getting them to talk to all concerned together. Although no guarantees, many people have a lot of notions of what is right and wrong, and refuse to budge from that.

 

[JMohegan]

*this is not another thread about abusive BDSM relationships, i promise*

i had to sit through a workshop today on abusive relationships for one of my classes. part of the workshop was about confronting someone who you percieve may be in an abusive relationship. that got me thinking.

several times i have been confronted by friends about being in an abusive relationship. these wernt just random people off the street, but close friends i felt comfortable enough with to share the basics of my relationship with them. i dont tell many people, and when i do i keep the details to myself for several reasons, but the basics i will share with people i have become very close with and trust, or people im living with. every once in a while i get the unexpected reaction of "you must be in an abusive relationship" and then i have to try to explain that perception away as best i can.

this happened most notible with a friend whose mother works for planned parenthood, thus he has been steeped in relationship abuse knowledge for a long time. everything i did to try to change his mind was met with "thats what someone who was being abused would say".

the most tramatic time this happened was this past summer with my old therapist. years of built up trust were destrpyed by her reaction (if you really want to know about it, there is an old thread about it, but im not going to drag it up here).

so the question is this:
for those of you who have trusted people enough to tell them, or are out about your BDSM completly, what do you say when you are confronted with accusations of abuse?
"fuck off" works well for someone who you never want to see again, but what about for your friends?
do you have a line that you use in that situation?
if you have ever found yourself in a similiar situation, is there any way that you have found that works well to convince close friends or family that you are not an abuser/being abused?

A combination of straightforward honesty, firm insistence on personal privacy, a sincere effort to see things from their perspective, focus on the impact of the relationship overall, and ethical living in general, always worked well for me.

Honesty: Yes, there are surface similarities between BDSM and domestic violence or abuse. You can save yourself a lot of pointless wrangling, and avoid looking naive or dangerously foolish, by acknowledging this right off the bat.

Personal privacy: No, I will not discuss the intimate details of my private life. Generalities, sure. But as an adult I have the right to keep the details private.

Seeing their perspective: It is normal, healthy, and wonderful to have friends and family who care about you and are concerned for your welfare. As DB noted, there is great value in openly acknowledging and thanking them for their concern.

Focus on the impact of the relationship overall: Both parties behaving as happy, productive, well-adjusted members of society stands in stark contrast to the behavior of someone who is being abused. Are you walkin' on sunshine, or retreating into a shell? This contrast will be the key to their ultimate acceptance of the relationship - even if they never understand or fully accept the dynamic that exists therein.

 

[JMohegan]

off the top of my head i can only think of EG who is completly out about his lifestyle, but is there anybody else who doesnt choose to keep it hidden?

All close friends and most adult family members know that I ID as a sadist and a guy who needs control to be happy in a personal relationship.

Hiding is just not my thing.

However, sharing intimate details is not my thing either. There's an enormous difference between discussing the generalities of a sexual preference, and saying: "Last night I did X, Y, and Z."