Perceptions of control

[caspai]

And being a good Christian, apparently, you exercise that God given right to post on porn boards. Goddess, I love Christians.

 

[Lancecastor]

I like naughty backslidden Christians best.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I like naughty backslidden Christians best.

L,

Are you one too?

Eb

 

[Ghost's amaris]

He also mentioned that Dom/mes are often reluctant to talk about their fears, concerns, issues... basically, anything that would make themselves seem less than completely in control to their subs or peers. Although they expect emotional transparency from their subs, they are reluctant to do the same, often afraid it will compromise their status as someone in control and deserving of trust and respect.

Dom/mes, do you find this to be true and who do you turn to when you feel the need to discuss things that could be perceived as weakness? Subs, how do you feel when your Dom exposes their vulnerabilities or fears? Does it make you feel closer to them, more able to share your own issues or do you prefer them to stay up on a pedestal as someone who is all-wise and totally in control?

I must say that Master is not reluctant to share those things with me and it makes me trust him more because he will tell me that he is affraid to do something or try something. He has even said no i cannot do that and gave me his reasons. To me it just made him a more honest and made me want to be even more loyal to him.

Ghost's amaris

 

[~Dream~]

............Although they expect emotional transparency from their subs, they are reluctant to do the same, often afraid it will compromise their status as someone in control and deserving of trust and respect.

---------------------------

It's a shame if someone feels like this. I have a great deal of respect for someone who can admit they don't know it all, who are willing to learn and experiment and experience new things.

I don't see a connection in being a Dom/me who is in control and one who isable to admit to being human and willing to grow and learn. I would not want a Dom who is static and unwilling to explore new things. Growing and being adventureous adds zest to our lives.

Rose

____________________
As a new sub,its VERY important to me that my Master shows His TRUE feelings and doesnt always try to maintain such "rigid" control over them,mistakes can and WILL be made by either of us ,we are only human after all..

I feel I am being "deprived' of knowing more of the "REAL' Him if He just doesnt let lose once in a while ,so when He shares with me His more 'emotional' nature,I truly feel closer to Him and this helps develop even more TRUST..

 

[UCE]

He said, "A Dom does not control anything. All a Dom can do is influence, manipulate and forge a bond to the sub that compels them to choose to serve."

Mr. Baldwin and I do not always see things eye-to-eye--although it's hard not to agree in a dazed sort of manner with someone so good-looking, lol--and in this quote above, I think that he, like he does with a lot of topics related to power-exchange, almost "gets it" but doesn't quite. I think that what he is describing above is actually a beautiful definition of real, lasting control, and not, as he suggests, something other than control.

I don't know what experience this fellow has had with long-term power relationships, but in my experience that compulsion to obey or to "serve" engendered by the dominant in precisely the way he describes (well, there's a little more to it but it's a good summary of a complex art) becomes more and more powerful as the years go by, to the point where the slave or the submissive literally does not have a choice about being a slave to the dominant anymore. I'm speaking from my personal experience which is a long time with one dominant. I doubt if this happens in every relationship, but it was my dominant's goal, and suprisingly enough to me, he reached it.

I wonder what in the world would "compel" a woman to do THIS? (see attachment)

 

[Red Menace]

Re: Re: Perceptions of control

Good looking? Hmm... I don't know about that, but he certainly is a charismatic speaker.

Great pic. I'm sure it wouldn't take very much to compel me to do that. Then again, I'm finding that lately I'm compeled to do a lot of things I never thought I would.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I really am on a fence here with a thumb up my butt...

*smirks*

I think novice submissives and novice Dom/mes need to understand that submission is a choice. The power exchange is a choice made by the two parties in volved.

Too many submissives don't seem to understand that a Dom is more than someone who dictates and gets his way all of the time. Early on, the choice is both party's...does the sub chose to submit? Does the Dom chose to accept the sub's submission?

In a perfect world, at some point, the Dom does have complete control vis a vis the trust that has built over time and the sub would not consider severing the relationship except for in extreme circumstances.

In time...

In the beginning, the power exchange is mutual.

No one person has all control.

I love how Miss T has managed here to say so much with so little. One of these days I hope to perfect this skill or at least refine what I have already.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I just want to weigh in that, while I don't think Guy Baldwin is God, I think he "gets it" just fine.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I just want to weigh in that, while I don't think Guy Baldwin is God, I think he "gets it" just fine.

LOL, most definately.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I love how Miss T has managed here to say so much with so little. One of these days I hope to perfect this skill or at least refine what I have already.

Catalina

Damn, I still have not refined this skill...it's a work in (slow) progress.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Control! My favorite topic!

Just wondering... What does your SO do that inspires your loyalty (subs), or what do you do that compels the service of your SO (Dom/mes)?

As is the case with any relationship, the trust between two partners deepens over time. We both built trust in and loyalty to each other, and that strengthens and maintains the power exchange.

He also mentioned that Dom/mes are often reluctant to talk about their fears, concerns, issues... basically, anything that would make themselves seem less than completely in control to their subs or peers. Although they expect emotional transparency from their subs, they are reluctant to do the same, often afraid it will compromise their status as someone in control and deserving of trust and respect.

Dom/mes, do you find this to be true and who do you turn to when you feel the need to discuss things that could be perceived as weakness? Subs, how do you feel when your Dom exposes their vulnerabilities or fears? Does it make you feel closer to them, more able to share your own issues or do you prefer them to stay up on a pedestal as someone who is all-wise and totally in control?

I can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't human and honest. Lots of PYLs, lots of people like to keep themselves all buttoned up, but I have no patience for it. That's just me.

 

[Homburg]

Keep it bottled up? Ha. I have no problems with people knowing that I have emotions, passions, needs, etc. For the sort of woman that is attracted to me, that sort of emotional honesty cements the bonds that much more strongly.

As to control? Well, I can eeeasily make someone do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, they want to do.

 

[myinnerslut]

As to control? Well, I can eeeasily make someone do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, they want to do.

even if they dont want to admit it

 

[nh23]

Keep it bottled up? Ha. I have no problems with people knowing that I have emotions, passions, needs, etc. For the sort of woman that is attracted to me, that sort of emotional honesty cements the bonds that much more strongly.

As to control? Well, I can eeeasily make someone do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, they want to do.

Same is very true in our relationship. I've mostly been with men who were in one way or another emotionally unavailable. It comes with the territory where I live..lol. But, when I met Master..he's a deeply emotional person. He's a very deep person in general. I love the fact that he shows me his emotion. I never think any less of him for it. Never has crossed my mind too. It also means that he reads my emotions so much better than anyone ever has. Things I've done, ways I've reacted. Other people have never caught it..He catches it in a second..It's a very good thing.

 

[Homburg]

even if they dont want to admit it

Those are by far and away the things that are most fun to make you do.

----

Same is very true in our relationship. I've mostly been with men who were in one way or another emotionally unavailable. It comes with the territory where I live..lol. But, when I met Master..he's a deeply emotional person. He's a very deep person in general. I love the fact that he shows me his emotion. I never think any less of him for it. Never has crossed my mind too. It also means that he reads my emotions so much better than anyone ever has. Things I've done, ways I've reacted. Other people have never caught it..He catches it in a second..It's a very good thing.

That's the thing, it has been my experience that emotionally unavailable people are also frequently not terribly emotionally perceptive. I am unwilling to give up being able to easily read others.

 

[ultramarineblue]

As to control? Well, I can eeeasily make someone do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, they want to do.

I think the key is that they want to, even if they aren't sure about it yet.

 

[kittenartist]

I went to my first BDSM club meeting today and thought it was pretty darn cool. I don't know why I've been so hesitant to go... everyone was very nice and welcoming, they had some of the most fascinating playstations and I got to see an excellent speaker, Guy Baldwin.

He gave a wealth of information, but one of the most important points I think he hit upon was was control. He said, "A Dom does not control anything. All a Dom can do is influence, manipulate and forge a bond to the sub that compels them to choose to serve."

Just wondering... What does your SO do that inspires your loyalty (subs), or what do you do that compels the service of your SO (Dom/mes)?

He also mentioned that Dom/mes are often reluctant to talk about their fears, concerns, issues... basically, anything that would make themselves seem less than completely in control to their subs or peers. Although they expect emotional transparency from their subs, they are reluctant to do the same, often afraid it will compromise their status as someone in control and deserving of trust and respect.

Dom/mes, do you find this to be true and who do you turn to when you feel the need to discuss things that could be perceived as weakness? Subs, how do you feel when your Dom exposes their vulnerabilities or fears? Does it make you feel closer to them, more able to share your own issues or do you prefer them to stay up on a pedestal as someone who is all-wise and totally in control?

I believe there are few key factors that "compels" my bunny boy to serve/submit. The first is the most important, for us, and that is love. He knows I love him with all my heart, would love him without the submission. Likewise, he loves me just as much. However, it is more than just love -- love just opens the door. I believe, the thing I do that makes him so willing to be mine, is I read his emotions and am able to guide him to a safe/happy place regardless of his previous mood. I lift him up, give him strength, and protect him -- even as I push him down and hurt him It is very much the emotional/spiritual aspects that compels his submission which is how I prefer it. Heh, because if it was just "kinky sex" I wanted I could have that without submission -- he is a perv like me The last factor, I think, is just natural tendencies. It is in my nature to expect obedience as it is in his to obey. But he is ornery and not going to obey for just anyone but if the other factors are met it just becomes a natural reaction. From my perspective anyways... I curious as to how he would respond to this topic. I shall have to ask him later (I'd have him come here and answer but he has no internet access currently).

Now, the second part. I am a very emotional person (non-medicated bi-polar disorder coupled with OCD and general anxiety) so he sees a lot of my emotional ups and downs. I express everything to him even when I think I should have kept my mouth shut. In some ways I do worry that showing these things makes me look weak... then I remember how hard I fought to have emotions again. Being able to express my feelings/fears/etc is a sign of inner strength. And it does not seem to weaken our D/s relationship in any manner. If anything, it makes it stronger. He does not see it as me being weak but rather as me having deep emotions and a lot of compassion. I have no idea how he sees through my "I hate the world" front... perhaps it is how the local ASPCA commercial makes me cry every single time.

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the subject

 

[intothewoods]

As to control? Well, I can eeeasily make someone do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, they want to do.

Someone?

 

[Homburg]

Someone?

It's a generic term for a random person. You've heard it before, right?

 

[intothewoods]

It's a generic term for a random person. You've heard it before, right?

Ooh, I have. I just had no idea you were Kreskin.

 

[Homburg]

Ooh, I have. I just had no idea you were Kreskin.

I'm not Kreskin. Why would you think that? The statement is a subtle dig at myself, darlin.