pick one of your poems and tell me all about it

[UnderYourSpell]

Perhaps I am improving I know when a haiku isn't right but have none of the words or expertise to say why. I told some guy on Facebook that his haiku wasn't and his had too much embroidery, I don't think he's spoken to me since

 

[mynameisben]

This is most probably pseudo haiku, not haiku. if it is haiku, it is what's called a shopping list haiku, this is not a good thing. Haiku generally contain two images set beside each other, very occassionally one. End rhyme is ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed. It dominates such small poem. Assonance, consonance, alliteration, if subtly done and it contributes. Almost no one uses the five-seven-five count anymore. You have some good images but they don't interact with each other. Compare, contrast, associate is a good rule. Plus haiku are universally supposed to be present tense and that last line isn't and its a comment. But feel free to ignore me; I'm the local haiku nazi.

Thank you for your comments, vrose. You're right. By all accounts, my poem fails to be haiku. I'll just have to try harder next time.

Now, after writing what follows, I have doubts about posting it.

What possible reason would you have not to post it? If I didn't want feedback, I would never have posted my "poem" and told you all about it in the first place. I have always been one who is willing to make an ass of himself to learn a new skill if that's what it takes. Not that my aim was to trample over anyone's poetic sensibilities. That's just my way. If it is just your way to rip someone apart for trying, well, I expected someone in this forum might. I'm irresistible that way.

What I did not expect, however, was a brilliant dissection of everything I did wrong. And beyond that, your analysis included critical details concerning the form and goals of haiku, of which I was unaware. This is extremely valuable information to me, and no doubt, is valuable information to other members of this forum as well. And for that, Senna, I thank you most sincerely.

My next effort will be better.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I like Issa. His poems are very sad and kind to animals. He had a shitty life from memory. I love Basho's crow poem. Pound's Metro Station poem gets so close to being its equal.

It's almost impossible not to like Issa. Basho was great but didn't have such kind nature. Basho's crow poem heralded haiku as serious poetry. And of course his pond haiku was the other classic. (All his haiku are classic ).

I disagree about the Pound Metro Station poem. It was just an exercise, nothing special. Pound was learning. That's all. It's due to the ironic historical circumstances that so much is made of it. Professional Western critics had to make their living somehow after all. (We had an unfortunate thread about the Pounds unfortunate classic on this board, in the past).

 

[butters]

i knew all that stuff about haiku. i did
which is why i don' think i've written a decent one yet, only dabbled.

mynameisben - you've been given some intelligent advice; good to see you taking it in the spirit offered. haiku aside, though, there's nothing wrong with writing such short pieces and simply naming them 'shorts'. to be 100 percent honest, i thought your poem, actually, more the explanation than the poem, was one of your tongue-in-cheek tilts at how we can all get so serious about discussing this form.

shorts? i got loads of short shorts.

 

[twelveoone]

Basho's crow poem heralded haiku as serious poetry.

Basho's crow poem was I believe revolutionary. Before that haiku had an accepted list of what was proper. Proper birds, crow's weren't on the list. Is that correct?

 

[butters]

OK, this did it...

A (long) time ago my oldest child told me that she likes word "serendipity". Her remark stayed with me for a long time, thus I had to write a poem in which I used this word--see:

http://www.literotica.com/p/digressing​

(It's Literotica, not me, who messed up the format of this poem, and of many of my other poems too).

ah, i only saw this after logging back in today. i wonder why some posts fail to appear for a while? *colour me baffled*

ok, while i liked what you were doing, liked the sense of continual motion throughout, and what i perceived to be the lure of the city lights - or possibilities - i did feel words could be trimmed as i said in the comment i left you, SJ. i also got a sadness from this, the narrator's...

maybe i need to read it in its original english-language format to further understand your meanings. if i could read and understand polish, it would no doubt make things even clearer.

 

[Senna Jawa]

ah, i only saw this after logging back in today. i wonder why some posts fail to appear for a while? *colour me baffled*

It's me. Just me.

ok, while i liked what you were doing, liked the sense of continual motion throughout, and what i perceived to be the lure of the city lights - or possibilities - i did feel words could be trimmed as i said in the comment i left you, SJ. i also got a sadness from this, the narrator's...

I am glad about the mood. Word "serendipity" includes in its sound

serenity + dip + pity​

Thus perhaps, despite its positive, uplifting meaning word serendipity does have also a sad theme underneath (musically), in the context of my poem. That's what made me write this piece.

About trimming--I don't have a view on this aspect of my poem. If there are grave problems, then my poem should be redone. As a loving father , I don't see them. You're welcome to go into details. In this kind of a poem (gently metric) a perfect word efficiency is not crucial (it is in a majority of my other poems). However, there is a bound for sloppiness beyond which the poem loses its value dramatically. Let me know. Most likely this poem is more or less ok (i.e. quite high) on its own orbit, while the orbit is not among the highest orbits of poetry. It's good to have many orbits in poetry. They don't get us bored this way, and we can appreciate the highest orbits even more.

maybe i need to read it in its original english-language format to further understand your meanings. if i could read and understand polish, it would no doubt make things even clearer.

Hardly any of my English poems has its Polish counterpart. When they do, more than half of the time the original version was English.

Literotica was changing on us the editing environment. With the new software it was reinterpreting or neglecting the past editing instructions. Originally, the Literotica default for poems looked very bland (I think that was due to the large size of the font, and very little white space around the letters). Thus I was fixing it by requesting bold face. And the new space/end of the line is a classic problem for software, there is no comparability. Thus the new Literotica software system decided that I was asking for the double space (I was not). Also, the indentations have suffered. I need to run in a hurry.

 

[Lilacs]

Happy Birthday, Hit the Street

A homeless minor,
got sixty-six days today,
really forty-four,
one-third off if he plays nice.
Why the magic forty-four?
He turns eighteen on that day.

I wrote the above a few years ago after I attended the juvenile detention hearing of a boy I dated a long, long time ago. They sentenced him to sixty-six days. It was explained to me that he would be out in forty-four days, if he behaved, the day he turned 18. It felt sad, like they were just holding him until they didn't have to worry about him anymore.

 

[twelveoone]

Short Fuse

I pissed my life away

It's a good thing too

It was on fire


I had a bladder control problem in Hell, got me evicted, so here I am. Writing haiku.
serenade + drip + pee

 

[Black13]

I see what everybody does.
The same as it always was:
Sometimes cruel, sometimes kind.
Not to sure, but I don't mind.
I see what everybody does.

Yes, Cassandra, let it be;
They don't see what you see.
I'm not so crazy as to swing
At what I cannot find.
Cassandra, you say to me
That being sane makes me blind.

Then we're all blind here on earth,
Dancing gracelessly into certain destruction.
Watch it like a movie
You've seen too many times,
Until the credits finish rolling,
And the spool finally runs out.


Cassandra, being that one greek chick who could see the future but do nothing about it. I see a lot of people fretting over everything all the time; about how Obama is destroying america or Bush set us all up for failure, nuclear war, biochemical holocaust, the opinions of their friends and colleagues, how they look on their first dates, etc. etc. etc. Everyone's worried about the future but none of us can really do much about the future because none of us really know what was going on. When you look at time from more of a 12 Monkeys perspective, and less of a Terminator 2 perspective, even if we knew the future, there's not much can be done. Everything's set in motion, let's chill the fuck out and enjoy the show. I find a lot of the catastrophizing that gets done by people is over shit that really means nothing anyway... watch the news like a movie.

 

[vrosej10]

Basho's crow poem was I believe revolutionary. Before that haiku had an accepted list of what was proper. Proper birds, crow's weren't on the list. Is that correct?

I hadn't heard that one. It is extraordinary in its eloquent delivery of mood. Love that poem.

I think Masajo Suzuki's work is incredible too.

 

[butters]

Happy Birthday, Hit the Street

A homeless minor,
got sixty-six days today,
really forty-four,
one-third off if he plays nice.
Why the magic forty-four?
He turns eighteen on that day.

I wrote the above a few years ago after I attended the juvenile detention hearing of a boy I dated a long, long time ago. They sentenced him to sixty-six days. It was explained to me that he would be out in forty-four days, if he behaved, the day he turned 18. It felt sad, like they were just holding him until they didn't have to worry about him anymore.

hello, lilacs - sorry i didn't reply before but been busy with work. i did see your full comment before, and it made for some interesting reading. the story is a sad one, especially as this guy was a friend of yours and not such a bad lad. it's not always the case. but your poem - that last line - is poignant.

welcome to the forums.

I pissed my life away

It's a good thing too

It was on fire


I had a bladder control problem in Hell, got me evicted, so here I am. Writing haiku.
serenade + drip + pee

you are a bad bad colourful member

 

[butters]

I see what everybody does.
The same as it always was:
Sometimes cruel, sometimes kind.
Not to sure, but I don't mind.
I see what everybody does.

Yes, Cassandra, let it be;
They don't see what you see.
I'm not so crazy as to swing
At what I cannot find.
Cassandra, you say to me
That being sane makes me blind.

Then we're all blind here on earth,
Dancing gracelessly into certain destruction.
Watch it like a movie
You've seen too many times,
Until the credits finish rolling,
And the spool finally runs out.


Cassandra, being that one greek chick who could see the future but do nothing about it. I see a lot of people fretting over everything all the time; about how Obama is destroying america or Bush set us all up for failure, nuclear war, biochemical holocaust, the opinions of their friends and colleagues, how they look on their first dates, etc. etc. etc. Everyone's worried about the future but none of us can really do much about the future because none of us really know what was going on. When you look at time from more of a 12 Monkeys perspective, and less of a Terminator 2 perspective, even if we knew the future, there's not much can be done. Everything's set in motion, let's chill the fuck out and enjoy the show. I find a lot of the catastrophizing that gets done by people is over shit that really means nothing anyway... watch the news like a movie.

thanks for adding to this thread, black - i find it fascinating to hear what's behind a write after reading it. helps me develop perspective, i think, about how others view the world.

and i agree to an extent about the not fretting so much - but to give up all speculation of the future means (imo) handing it over entirely to those who'll continue to manipulate it to their own ends. worrying doesn't help, but action may. as for the twelve monkeys, i am damned if i've not yet seen the film! i want to, just never seem to get around to it!

 

[Black13]

There is, ultimately, no amount of laws or guns that can keep people from doing what they want. Take marijuana legislation, for example.

 

[butters]

early morning fog

hung freezing in the air
coated rooftops with white glaze
baffled windows
denied the early birds' chorus
muffled geometry and geography
and really
really
really
pissed off my cat



i woke early the other morning to strange light; not the darkness of winter 6.15's, but not the pale clean light the morning before had afforded. i remember the central heating had clicked on more than a few times overnight, but hadn't expected to see the surprisingly dense fog that diffused the early light and made things ... different. it didn't seem to reach the ground, but hung between the corners of one house and the next, muffling bushes and the stark branches of trees. the rooftops were glazed white but the wheelie bins wore a see-through crispy coating.

across the road, which seemed to exist more as a section of scalextric track than a continuous tarmac slab, the infants school was blurry - out of focus, other... its bold digital clock seeming a memory of its former self. the brave orange wall lights and yellow-white windows were reduced to an impressionist's canvas.. everything was altered. other. i love how fog does that.

not one bird broke the stillness - it wasn't eerie. it was cool...

i opened the front door to feed my cat who lives in her house on my porch, and she was really really pissed off. i think another cat may have mentioned she looked a bit stupid. the moisture in the air had clung to her fur, till she was nothing but a series of spiked clumps - a runway hair-do. she was so not impressed. why she'd not stayed in her house i don't know, but if she was bird-watching she wasn't a happy twitcher.