Please help :D

[robertreams]

ifoifo - I loved this idea! Great imagination there. Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

when you tell anerotic story, fantasy or other wise, tell the story as if you were outside looking in, as your reader is. leave out anything that makes the story more boring. when you get to the "action" write shorter, crisper, more intense sentences. Describe what his hands looked like, what her pussy looked like, etc.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

so far it feels like telling, not showing. there's no hook that makes me want to read further.

perhaps rework the first paragraph with something to grab attention - maybe include monologue to give an idea of the character's personality?

just a coupla points, feel free to ignore good luck with the piece.