Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[PatCarrington]

Our bed is large after you've gone,
a vast, uncharted ocean wide,
and I am fitful, tossing on
this half-sleep's manic lunar tide.

I grope the air for you and slide
my hand across the empty sheet
where you had been, but I'm denied
both you and dreams still incomplete.

But now, together here, the heat
and night make this a crowded room.
Past strife revives as we compete
for space. The sweat-soaked shadows loom;

the walls contract. Tensions consume
what's left of sleep. She pushes me
without a single touch, the room
too small to breathe, too dark to see

her silent nudge, or maybe she
is reaching out as hours fray,
and I, in stubborn vanity,
keep pulling more and more away.

sandj,

i am not the best person to judge a poem with end rhyme, since it usually makes me cringe and i have some twisted prejudice toward free verse, but this reads REALLY REALLY well.

ange -- you have to look at this and lay a comment down.

sandj - i recently got an acceptance from a lit journal that i think would love this poem. they lean toward rhyme that is this productive. if you are interested, pm me and i'll give you the link.

 

[Angeline]

sandj,

i am not the best person to judge a poem with end rhyme, since it usually makes me cringe and i have some twisted prejudice toward free verse, but this reads REALLY REALLY well.

ange -- you have to look at this and lay a comment down.

sandj - i recently got an acceptance from a lit journal that i think would love this poem. they lean toward rhyme that is this productive. if you are interested, pm me and i'll give you the link.

I looked last night and again today. It's beautifully written--done with a very subtle touch. Yup, submit it to that site.

I could nitpick a punctuation mark or two, but really it's just a great piece of writing.

 

[annaswirls]

to seek

The worms cannot help but whisper find me
up from under spring-tender grass,
like my son who sends us a peep!
from behind my mothers drapes.

We see his toes and continue to ask,
Has anyone seen Spenser?

Robin cocks her head to listen
for clues from the underground.
Even worms want to be unburied treasure,
the X on the map.



semi-original
The worms cannot help but whisper
up from under spring-tender grass
like my son who sends a peep!
from behind my mothers drapes.

We see his toes yet continue to ask,
Has anyone seen Spenser?

Robin cocks her head to listen
for clues from the underground.
Even worms want to be a buried treasure,
the X on the map.

 

[annaswirls]

edited-->

 

[PatCarrington]

.....

 

[Tathagata]

Among the sharded fragments
this ruinous wonderland
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken

traces in ash
my footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the wall
i steeled my mind
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter

but I found it
as my eyes betrayed my indifference
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always



raising my arms up
i offer you
this saving grace
this affirmation
this

yes

 

[Tathagata]

revision

Among sharded fragments
this ruinous wonderland
now sulphur, now malignant
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken

traces in ash
our footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the graveyard wall
a carnival of lifeless clowns awaits
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter

a lone child huddled
a blossom, a light,
a remnant of Eden
as my eyes betrayed my indifference
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always


i offer you
this saving grace
this affirmation
with outstretched arms
i offer
this

yes

 

[flyguy69]

Among sharded fragments this seems redundent
this ruinous wonderland
now sulphur, now malignant
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken nice anaphora (new word for me!)

traces in ash
our footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice "ash" and "river" don't go well together for me
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the graveyard wall
a carnival of lifeless clowns awaits "clowns" suggests mirth to me
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter

a lone child huddled
a blossom, a light,
a remnant of Eden
as my eyes betrayed my indifference
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always


i offer you
this saving grace
this affirmation
with outstretched arms
i offer
this

yes

Some nice images, but I had trouble with the abrupt transition from the poisonous environs of the first three stanzas to the portrayal of Eden and unconditional love in the last two.

 

[wildsweetone]

Among sharded fragments
this ruinous wonderland
now sulphur, now malignant
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken

traces in ash
our footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the graveyard wall
a carnival of lifeless clowns awaits
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter

a lone child huddled
a blossom, a light,
a remnant of Eden
as my eyes betrayed my indifference
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always


i offer you
this saving grace
this affirmation
with outstretched arms
i offer
this

yes

My opinion (I am still learning how to read poetry so may be barking up the wrong tree here)...

Is it too much to have the dry, lifeless ruins and then to sneak in peeks of 'river', 'clowns', 'laughter', 'blossom', 'light', 'Eden'? It's almost as if you have two poems melding though I'm not sure the meld lines are quite smooth enough.

*thinking out loud*
Is it possible that there are too many metaphors?

I love the 'shadows of shadows' image.

 

[Angeline]

Dearest Tathy

My two cents:

Among sharded fragments is "sharded" a word? maybe just "Among shards" since using that and fragments seems redundant to me
this ruinous wonderland
now sulphur, now malignant
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken

traces in ash
our footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice beautiful line
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the graveyard wall
a carnival of lifeless clowns awaits I don't like "lifeless," but then "dead" sounds even worse to me, lol--maybe forget the clowns--"a carnival of death awaits"?
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter I think a verb would help here--"is hourglass laughter"

a lone child huddled
a blossom, a light,
a remnant of Eden
as my eyes betrayed my indifference how can you betray indifference? you can betray a posture of indifference though
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always


i offer you
this saving grace i'm not sure "saving grace" is the best way to put it here; I like the idea of "grace"; that's lovely, but putting it with saving is cliche. I know you can do better.
this affirmation
with outstretched arms
i offer
this

yes[/QUOTE]

And all in all, it's beautiful, and very clear in its intent.

 

[bluerains]

I think!

Among the sharded fragments
this ruinous wonderland
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken

traces in ash
my footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the wall
i steeled my mind
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter

but I found it
as my eyes betrayed my indifference
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always



raising my arms up
i offer you
this saving grace
this affirmation
this

yes

I like this better before revision..but instead of yes Imho...I would just say
just love me...

 

[annaswirls]

follow the deer path

I come to this place of fishermen
and park among pick-ups and four-wheel drives,
V8s hitched to trailers that carry
boats and canoes.

I know I will not find you on the docks,
it is never that obvious, it is never that loud.

I look for you along the deer path,
stepping over fallen trees
and into soft decay that crumbles
into soil under hoof
heel and sole.


Grass-covered thickets conceal soft moss nests.
It looks like a place where you might rest.

But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where
to sit and listen.
To wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness
and I am aware of the slightest movement.
Until I notice you.


~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating weightless
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the fallen branch
for a open space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds what it felt like
having a body that needs to be carried.

And you tell me:

You must know I am still here
even after I disappear deep under
into painless buoyancy.

I will be here when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

 

[Tathagata]

thank you

all, public and private who have commented on the above poem
It's a long way from done and many of the changes you have suggested I agree with
I've been writing in in 10 minutes bursts as I have time
I hope to be able to sit down and really work on it soon

Thank you all again

 

[Angeline]

...............

 

[PatCarrington]

Heal. There's a problem with the pronoun reference. "Rest" would appear to refer to angels, but let them rest appears, because of proximity, to refer to "wounds." Wounds don't rest. "Let them heal" works with both nouns--and the notion of angels who need to let their hearts heal is lovely, if odd. Does that make sense?

Sometimes it's better to leave the waters a little muddy.

thanks, ange.

that is what i came up with too.

gee...we agree twice in one day....is that a record?

 

[Angeline]

thanks, ange.

that is what i came up with too.

gee...we agree twice in one day....is that a record?

yes, but let's`tell anyone.

 

[Tathagata]

3rd

Among sharded promises
this ruinous wonderland
now sulphur, now malignant
where once hands were clasped
and oaths sworn
bare since leave was taken
bare
since love was taken

traces in ash
our footprints remained for me to follow
as if
i could step in the same river twice
as if
i could walk with you
ever again

having breached the mausoleum
a carnival of lifeless clowns awaits
forlorn and forgotten
one eyed porcelain faces
surely nothing lives
shadows of shadows
their sandpaper hiss
wearing away my heart
their sandpaper hiss
hourglass laughter

uprising
a remnant of Eden
a tender phoenix
as my eyes negated my indifference
and I missed you
then and there
and i missed you
always


i offer you
this exception to transience
this affirmation
with all embracing arms
i offer
this

yes

 

[PatCarrington]

.....

 

[flyguy69]

Wow, Pat, that is beautiful. This, in particular:

.... Night

is delicate now, too fragile to touch
with anything but a shy kiss.
....

I wondered about the use of a gull in the final stanza-- it conjures a discordant song for me. Perhaps a more mellifluous bird.

I was also slowed in my reading by "bad things," wanting a more descriptive word than "things."

 

[PatCarrington]

Wow, Pat, that is beautiful. This, in particular:
I wondered about the use of a gull in the final stanza-- it conjures a discordant song for me. Perhaps a more mellifluous bird.

I was also slowed in my reading by "bad things," wanting a more descriptive word than "things."

thanks fly.

i'm with you on the "gull." it just flows so well with it, and fits the beach image.....i need another one-syllable beach bird.

i have to think about 'things'. i have always felt it is a too-criticized and under appreciated word....it can be so purposefully and pointedly vague and all-encompassing.

i remember a child's book, "where the bad things grow".....that sure covers a lot of terrible and scary shit.

 

[*Catbabe*]

thanks fly.

i'm with you on the "gull." it just flows so well with it, and fits the beach image.....i need another one-syllable beach bird.

i have to think about 'things'. i have always felt it is a too-criticized and under appreciated word....it can be so purposefully and pointedly vague and all-encompassing.

i remember a child's book, "where the bad things grow".....that sure covers a lot of terrible and scary shit.

Don't you mean, Where the Wild Things Are ?





(Answer: New Jersey, Wisconsin, Kansas and Boston)

 

[Tathagata]

Don't you mean, Where the Wild Things Are ?





(Answer: New Jersey, Wisconsin, Kansas and Boston)

Kansas??

 

[*Catbabe*]

Kansas??

I was trying to think of all the guys. I think Fool is from Kansas. I guess I left off Maine too.

I will behave now and not even mention any "wild rumpuses".

 

[PatCarrington]

Don't you mean, Where the Wild Things Are ?





(Answer: New Jersey, Wisconsin, Kansas and Boston)

you forgot Canada.

 

[Tathagata]

I was trying to think of all the guys. I think Fool is from Kansas. I guess I left off Maine too.

I will behave now and not even mention any "wild rumpuses".

trouble keeping track of all your men dear??