Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[annaswirls]

Mr. 69, You know I am a science girl... so take my comments as such.

Two things. I think that the language is too heavy on the science/technical side in the beginning. Might close off some readers. The ending is so rich with your jungle and metal click, you might consider taking that more poetic language throughout the poem somehow.

Certainly you cannot duplicate the richness of the feel, that Aha feel through the entire poem nor should you. I dont know why I am saying this, the poem is fine as is what the hell is my problem.

oh damn I have to use an example
Electricity and magnetism
are inseparable: < not necessary. the second half of this statement is enough for the science types to understand the first half... and for those who do not know this science, this poem is not the time to give the lesson.

I would just use this:

where there is current
there is attraction. it is enough

you know I really enjoy this poem, not just kissing your ass although I am sure it is a very fine ass

as

::

Field Lines

We circle, wary as magnets
that know their limit—the space between
that can be overcome, the inverse square
of the distance that allows denial
in the face of evidence. Polar opposites,

our world requires a globe
between us, field lines
that stretch fingertips together
at the equator where the heat lies
jungle thick. We know the danger

of proximity, of irresistable
pull, of the embrace
that squeezes reason.
Electricity and magnetism

are inseparable: where there is current
there is attraction. We steel
our resolve when the tongue strikes
the bell and dread that metal
to metal click.

::

 

[flyguy69]

Mr. 69, You know I am a science girl... so take my comments as such.

Two things. I think that the language is too heavy on the science/technical side in the beginning. Might close off some readers. The ending is so rich with your jungle and metal click, you might consider taking that more poetic language throughout the poem somehow.

Certainly you cannot duplicate the richness of the feel, that Aha feel through the entire poem nor should you. I dont know why I am saying this, the poem is fine as is what the hell is my problem.

oh damn I have to use an example
Electricity and magnetism
are inseparable: < not necessary. the second half of this statement is enough for the science types to understand the first half... and for those who do not know this science, this poem is not the time to give the lesson.

I would just use this:

where there is current
there is attraction. it is enough

you know I really enjoy this poem, not just kissing your ass although I am sure it is a very fine ass

as

You are, I divine, exactly right! Thank you for such helpful thoughts. And please, use more polite language, girl. I prefer "Uranus."

 

[annaswirls]

You are, I divine, exactly right! Thank you for such helpful thoughts. And please, use more polite language, girl. I prefer "Uranus."

no, I really am not so attracted to Uranus, it is the fleshy ass part that I go for

poetically speaking

 

[flyguy69]

no, I really am not so attracted to Uranus, it is the fleshy ass part that I go for

poetically speaking

It's gravity, baby! You can't break the law!

 

[annaswirls]

..........

 

[annaswirls]

Gulf Stream

,.......,

 

[cymry]

Damn me if you do,
damn you if I don’t.
There aren’t enough minutes
in the hour
to ignore it all.
Should you, won’t you?
Please don’t, I can’t stand
it when you cry.
This time, last time,
anytime I can get you.
Don’t tell me
you love me,
I already know it.

 

[cymry]

Damn me if you do,
damn you if I don’t.
There aren’t enough minutes
in the hour
to ignore it all.
Should you, won’t you?
Please don’t, I can’t stand
it when you cry.
This time, last time,
anytime I can get you.
Don’t tell me
you love me,
I already know it.

This poem and the one following are giving me a bit of trouble. It is nothing specific, the words just aren't meshing how I'd like them to and I can't figure out what it is...

Tripping across a time line of terror
day after day of ecstatic error.
I did not chose
this phobic
frontier.
Condemning all remaining emotion
with a constant and angry devotion.
I led myself
artlessly
here.
Inflexible blindness rules this life
attempting nothing but fruitless strife.
I cannot break
myself
clear.


Anyone with the time and inclination...please give them a once over and let me know what you think.
Thank you in advance.

 

[cymry]

No suggestions?

Scrap them both?

 

[annaswirls]

No suggestions?

Scrap them both?

I have not been here in a couple of days-- I will try to look them over today.

If no one comments or gives suggestions, you should not take it as a signal to scrap anything, just that people are busy sometimes more than others (for me it has been the pumpkin field trips and costumes and the like.) Well that is just an excuse.



~as

 

[annaswirls]

Other beautiful places

ddddddd

 

[annaswirls]

Damn me if you do,
damn you if I don’t.
There aren’t enough minutes
in the hour
to ignore it all.
Should you, won’t you?
Please don’t, I can’t stand
it when you cry.
This time, last time,
anytime I can get you.
Don’t tell me
you love me,
I already know it.

I know this is not the thin skinned thread, but you asked, so I will be honest. I think this reads like a letter. The poem itself has yet to be written. The poem is in the events that led up to this letter.

When I read this, I imagined a woman in the middle of a stage, all dark except her spotlight as she delivered this soliquoy. If that is what you were going for, then it is fine as is

 

[annaswirls]

I like this one. I will work on it more, my son just woke up. But real quick:

Consider condensing the three lines you break (I will show you what I mean)

There are also some words/phrases that I think you could work on-- other word choices etc. Sorry this is rushed! I do like the rhythm of this poem, I even like the rhyme!!!


Tripping across a time line of terror
day after day of ecstatic error.
I did not chose this phobic frontier.


Condemning all remaining emotion
with a constant and angry devotion.
I led myself artlessly here.


Inflexible blindness rules this life
attempting nothing but fruitless strife. is that what you really want to say? I cannot understand what it means
I cannot break myself clear.

I think you need another stanza here. Something with action. To show us what happens because of all of these emotions you have put out

All the best!

as

 

[annaswirls]

one more thought....
this reads like a form poem

I think that a four line stanza with a rhyming couplet might finish it

I dont know what I am talking about.

lol

 

[PatCarrington]

.....

 

[flyguy69]

This is very good, Pat-- some excellent images throughout. I confess to feeling let down by the final couplet-- it too-neatly sews it up. Too, well, pat.

Threepenny Omelets


You arrive once a week in white.

I wait for you and the gas bill
in a hallway with a crazy key

and if it snows or dogs
have gnawed their leases

and run free, I sit on cold tiles
imagining how this week’s words

might dress up the bedpost
with a crooked hat

or ride my thighs like a railroad,
wanting to be the mutt

who chews through the straps
waking wraps on my wrists

to keep me from you. To think
you won’t come because this

is the blizzard that stops
appointed rounds or you’re

trapped in a parked car inside
a leather satchel. To think

if postal rates go up unannounced
I might lose you, that we

are that fragile. To think a stamp
could send me up the stairs

alone today to eat eggs covered
in pepper and my grimy dreams.

 

[cymry]

I know this is not the thin skinned thread, but you asked, so I will be honest. I think this reads like a letter. The poem itself has yet to be written. The poem is in the events that led up to this letter.

When I read this, I imagined a woman in the middle of a stage, all dark except her spotlight as she delivered this soliquoy. If that is what you were going for, then it is fine as is

I don't know exactly what I was going for, but I can see where you get the soliloquy idea. Maybe I should just go with that and embelish? How's this:

Damn you if I do.
Damn me if you don't.
This emotion just
doesn't do it for me.
Too many feelings
screaming for attention
and there aren't enough
minutes in the hour
to ignore it all.
Should you, won't you
tell me to shut up?
Please don't, I can't stand
it when you cry.
This time, last time
anytime I can get you
to give me another
chance.
Don't tell me
you love me,
I already know it.

 

[PatCarrington]

1st revision

.....

 

[annaswirls]

Fly--

I submitted this poem to Turk magazine before getting your suggestions. They accepted it. I cringed and wrote back-- I feel like an idiot but a friend made suggestions.... etc and I sent them the revision.

They replied:

Your friend is a wise editor. I will use the new copy

Listen to Fly, he gives good 'tique.

thanks man,

as

Wait a minute; you cringe at changing anything, yet welcome suggestions? OK, get ready to cringe!

QUOTE=annaswirls]I know I know I have heard keep punctuation consistent. But with this one I cringe at changing anything, capitalizing sentences, ending with periods or taking away the punctuation I do have. Any suggestions or comments welcome

my mind can stretch
like Jane Fonda's leg warmer lifted behind her head <-- I see the image, but the warmer isn't what I see stretching. The strain on her tendons seems more appropriate, though it doesn't lend itself to "holding" something. Perhaps reaching.
it can stretch to hold fantasies
of this fantasy you hold out for me-
it can
and does stretch,
meet you there <-- yes, reaching would work, here.
three notches above our hats <-- this certainly suggests an expanded mind, but the notches and hats language doesn't seem to go with erotica. Are they fuzzy, titillating hats?

but but but so much the more present <-- "present" seems to distinguish this moment in time, while the poem seems to be about a distinction in reality.
is the reality of your thighs
shifting to allow that stretch of skin and flesh
under cotton and how the nipple on my left breast
hardens and aches
and points for attention like Jane
who straddled her anti-aircraft
leaving the vinyl seat damp <-- erotic
with cootch condensation <-- not erotic
oh for the thrill
of fucking the sky <-- yeah, erotic!
until clouds bleed virginal death
drops diffuse and disappear into the light blue ribbon,
the warm river that flows through the cool ocean water <-- not sure about a stream through, yet separate from, an ocean.
It is real. <-- Lack of puctuation makes "it" hard to identify. The river of hymenal blood?
It carries the ships and empty shells
onto my shores. <-- This whole image does little for me
It is real, as real as the salted rain
you drop to my lips. <-- This, however, give me a hard on.
You must have known I would lie in this mud
awake, waiting.


your boot nudges my side,
right below the ribs
to make sure I am still alive <-- why is there any doubt about this? It doesn't seem to be about orgasm because of the end of the last strophe. I don't understand this image.

[/QUOTE]

 

[flyguy69]

Fly--

I submitted this poem to Turk magazine before getting your suggestions. They accepted it. I cringed and wrote back-- I feel like an idiot but a friend made suggestions.... etc and I sent them the revision.

They replied:

Listen to Fly, he gives good 'tique.

thanks man,

as

[/QUOTE]



Are they hiring?

 

[annaswirls]

Are they hiring?

only one way to find out

fishmanturk@hotmail.com

but if you have some spare time, I think I would rather you work for free here:

editor@mannequinenvy.com

but I think her behavior might be more erratic, so you better go with the fishman

 

[PatCarrington]

Listen to Fly, he gives good 'tique

i gotta agree with that one.

 

[flyguy69]

only one way to find out

fishmanturk@hotmail.com

but if you have some spare time, I think I would rather you work for free here:

editor@mannequinenvy.com

but I think her behavior might be more erratic, so you better go with the fishman

Did you say erratic, or erotic?

Is there room for erratic erotica on the web?

 

[annaswirls]

Literratica.com

Did you say erratic, or erotic?

Is there room for erratic erotica on the web?

okay that's it, I am starting a new zine for erratica

I dub thee Sir Aves Eratica
welcome to the Oval Table good knight

 

[PatCarrington]

.....