Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[annaswirls]

ooooo

 

[annaswirls]

ooooooooooo

 

[hmmnmm]

Clear cloudless view
landscape sand and sea
raise a toast, shaven rays
salute new eyes to you

Simple supple sense
exposed the demons
so long from
yesteryear dens

Mace them, kill them
just little bugs
with microphones
singing propaganda anthems

How long they lived,
took cozy ease
camouflaged stench
perfume eau muse

In downtown thrives a dead side
blacklite posters draw ear and eye
dulled truth and life, camera tricks
quietude natural true

Wandering mind, hypnotized
hooked, nibbles paved
cot waiting deep in the caves,
cold and safe from heat of critique

turning the while
blind

Clear
cloudless view

 

[annaswirls]

Search for the Brown Sound

Alex strikes the snare
"it is brown I tell you, not like brown it IS brown"
trying to find the same color on his bass
they take turns searching for the substitute
while Fredriech plays out scents on his keyboard
lavendar, cut hay, citron chords
that harmonize in two senses

they say we are born with the wires
and the hand of simplicity snips them
down in distinction

but you stitch my connections of infancy together
teeth bring heat lightning, your lips an indigo wave
the hum of your throat puts me under Mozart's piano
pinned to the floor by the gravity of it all
and your arms take me back to purple clover dreaming
weaving my senses into one

 

[Tathagata]

,,,,,

 

[Tathagata]

,,,,,

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Angeline]

The organ grinder
brings tradition,
[maybe a colon instead of a comma after "tradition"]
his hurdy gurdy box,
his thirty, wordy,
[I don't get the "thirty" reference. for me it would work better as "his hurdy gurdy box/his wordy, time proven rules"]
time proven rules,
to enhance the lives
of poor dumb monkeys.

The monkeys assemble
ambling, arms akimbo.

The monkeys in
their bellhop hats
the monkeys in
their knee knicker pants
stand straight
and await [I think you could lose the "and" here, maybe move "await up to the end of the previous line]
the same old song

They do the jiggedy jig
the Watusi and waltz
with their floppedy shoes
and waggledy hands

oh pathos
oh pathos
poor little apes
they so want to be
like the organ grinder
human and happy [again I'd lose the "and"--"happily human,/free of the trees"]
free from the trees


He's cranking out
familiar notes
they take the cue
they monkey emote
[I think you have a better rhythm--and this poem is so much about rhythm and rhyme if you lose the "they"--"they take the cue,/monkey emote/with their clakety teeth/their angly (maybe rangy? I know you lose the alliteration, but it seems more precise to me]
with their clackety teeth
with their angley arms
and almost a smile
on their kind-hearted face
[here you have awkward plural situation--what do you think of "and simpering smiles/on their almost kind faces"?]

joyous monkeys
clapping cymbals
joyous monkeys
jumping jumping
tip your cap
for shiny bits
useless
useless
but oh so pretty

what does a monkey need with money?

when first the monkeys
heard the music
the dance was just delight
["their dance was pure delight"?]

like bongodee drums
like pooteepoo flutes
[how is the dance "llike" these sounds? isn't it "to" them or "for" them? so "for bongodee drums/and pooteepoo flutes']
things they remembered
from monkey night dreams
["night dreams" is not doin it for me lol--maybe "things they remembered/of sweet monkey dreams"]

but now the song
is a workaday whip

up monkeys up
bow monkeys bow
all learned behavior
all excitement gone
[again, I think the rhythm is thrown off here. maybe "all learned behavior,/excitement gone" reads smoother to me]

they love the organ grinder
for he has shown them the way
[maybe "who has shown them the way"?]
with his garbledy talk
with his stiff limbed strut
["and his stiff-limbdy strut" ? "his goose steppy strut"?]
they mock the man
to reap the rewards

but he has taken away
their love of music

what does a monkey need with music?[/QUOTE]

This is wonderful, T. Satirical, cynical and insighful--and the sing-songy quality just moves it along in a delightful way. I didn't say anthing about punctuation cause I know you do that last. Let me know if you think any of my suggestions work for you--can't wait to see the final product. It sorta reminds me of my poem "Poetry Monkeys." Do you remember that?

 

[tungtied2u]

I feel very apprehensive about putting in my 2 cents worth, especially after Ange has done such a comprehensive examination, but please except my apologies in advance, and my compliments on a very enjoyable poem.

The organ grinder
brings tradition,
[maybe a colon instead of a comma after "tradition"]
his hurdy gurdy box,
his thirty, wordy,
[I don't get the "thirty" reference. for me it would work better as "his hurdy gurdy box/his wordy, time proven rules"]
time proven rules,
to enhance the lives
of poor dumb monkeys.

The monkeys assemble
ambling, arms akimbo.

The monkeys in
their bellhop hats
the monkeys in
their knee knicker pants
stand straight
and await [I think you could lose the "and" here, maybe move "await up to the end of the previous line]
the same old song

They do the jiggedy jig
the Watusi and waltz
with their floppedy shoes
and waggledy hands

oh pathos
oh pathos
poor little apes
they so want to be
like the organ grinder
human and happy [again I'd lose the "and"--"happily human,/free of the trees"]
free from the trees


He's cranking out["cranks" to keep the tense consistent]
familiar notes
they take the cue
they monkey emote[move "familiar notes" to line 1, then as Ange says, delete the 2nd "they" and move "monkey emote" up to combine with "they take the cue"]
[I think you have a better rhythm--and this poem is so much about rhythm and rhyme if you lose the "they"--"they take the cue,/monkey emote/with their clakety teeth/their angly (maybe rangy? I know you lose the alliteration, but it seems more precise to me]
with their clackety teeth
with their angley arms
and almost a smile
on their kind-hearted face
[here you have awkward plural situation--what do you think of "and simpering smiles/on their almost kind faces"?]
[I'd move "angley arms" above "clackety teeth", then substitute "form" for the "and" before "almost a smile", (and possibly genetic or hereditry for "almost a"- something to show natural, but beyond their control ?)]
joyous monkeys
clapping cymbals
joyous monkeys
jumping jumping
tip your cap
for shiny bits
useless
useless
but oh so pretty

what does a monkey need with money?

when first the monkeys
heard the music
the dance was just delight
["their dance was pure delight"?]

like bongodee drums
like pooteepoo flutes
[how is the dance "llike" these sounds? isn't it "to" them or "for" them? so "for bongodee drums/and pooteepoo flutes']
things they remembered
from monkey night dreams
["night dreams" is not doin it for me lol--maybe "things they remembered/of sweet monkey dreams"]

but now the song
is a workaday whip

up monkeys up
bow monkeys bow
all learned behavior
all excitement gone
[again, I think the rhythm is thrown off here. maybe "all learned behavior,/excitement gone" reads smoother to me]

they love the organ grinder
for he has shown them the way
[maybe "who has shown them the way"?]
with his garbledy talk
with his stiff limbed strut
["and his stiff-limbdy strut" ? "his goose steppy strut"?]
they mock the man
to reap the rewards

but he has taken away
their love of music

what does a monkey need with music?

This is wonderful, T. Satirical, cynical and insighful--and the sing-songy quality just moves it along in a delightful way. I didn't say anthing about punctuation cause I know you do that last. Let me know if you think any of my suggestions work for you--can't wait to see the final product. It sorta reminds me of my poem "Poetry Monkeys." Do you remember that?

[/QUOTE]

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Angeline]

It's better, T. I want to look at it more closely though and I won't get to it till later today, but yes I understand about "pure."

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Tath, have you thought to introduce the tin cup rather than the bellhop cap? Usually the hats were tied to the monkey's head, weren't they?

This is a really fine work. I love the pace of the narrative and the sad questions asking what a monkey needs.

Oh pathos!
oh pathos,
indeed.

 

[Tathagata]

Hi Tath, have you thought to introduce the tin cup rather than the bellhop cap? Usually the hats were tied to the monkey's head, weren't they?

This is a really fine work. I love the pace of the narrative and the sad questions asking what a monkey needs.

Oh pathos!
oh pathos,
indeed.

This is one I've ressurrected ...


Adam's child, what
have you wrought
with free will
and power to reason
through each season,
each chill dawn,
and sunset swelter?

Where do we go
but down after climbing
through the boughs
which time has layered
along the spine
of solid trunk,
as if a stairway
leads us to heaven?

Time is faithlessly
insistent that we shall
continue, despite scars
borne on our chests
or tears wept onto clouds
until the sorrow
is beyond the strength
of the sky to bear.

Adam's child, fear
not the force of tides
or press of winds,
but dread the march
of time that will lead
us beyond the sight
of heaven to uncertainty.

Thanks Champ
I've submitted it to a few places as is
so we'll see what happens
: )

the only organ grinder i saw up close used to come to our town twice a year
memorial day and 4th of July.
Those were our two big " parade days"
He had 2 monkeys with the bellhop hats that fit snug on their heads.
What they would do is go around the circle, take off the hat and hold it out to each person, if the person dropped a coin in, they'd place it back on their head, coin trapped underneath, run back to the open satchel on the ground in front of the grinder, lean over it and take the hat off, the coin would fall into the suitcase.
Much cooler than a tin cup

Time is faithlessly
insistent that we shall
continue, despite scars
borne on our chests
or tears wept onto clouds
until the sorrow
is beyond the strength
of the sky to bear.

I really love this verse

"beyond the strength of the sky to bear"
that's nice stuff

 

[CeriseNoire]

.....

 

[CeriseNoire]

Take two

.....

 

[tungtied2u]

do re mi
notes
to myself, off key
half note
behind the eight ball
pocketed
smoke swirling

curling
unfurling
in wisps
of whines and ivory
seeping slowly
through floorboards
cracks open
over time, overtime

midnight arrives and passes
along with the neophytes
it's the fighters
who remain beating it out
'til the red blood of life
screams and searches
every booth
in the bathroom
beneath the bar

in the alley
on the firesescape
drifting up to rooftops
where it says goodbye
until tomorrow night

 

[champagne1982]

... gone

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[hmmnmm]

been playing with this for over a week and it still isn't right. Sometimes it feels close, but then... just ain't right. Tried prosy/poetic paragraph. Tried Sonnetish, tried formless free. Tried mixing a few. Tried cutting the descriptives, stuffing the descriptions, lengthening, shortening, explicitness, suggestion; each approach offers new possibilities and promise, but it just ain't right.


Of flights
of fancy:
patches sewn paprika stitches, rosette
dotted prairies; amid laded straw heads
and stalks; a peasant princess; cloak undone
disarrayed; fruit obscene splays explicit.
Her bosom in dream rhythm lifts and falls,
was not long ago she lay not alone.
Upon matted grasses runs meringue
topping and disperses spunk tang organic;
picture fingerpainted oily clays,
sour mash dunk for afterglow finish.

 

[annaswirls]

adjustment

I tried to find some zenful presence
in the dishwater
to focus on how I will miss these piles of laundry when I am alone
alone (god I wish I were alone!)
but no, not then, I will not wish such things,
I will ache for you, gone,
trying to remember the feel of your dress shirts
as I pulled one sleeve
then the other right side back out
but I cannot
find
gratitude
in the crumbs of food after dinner
cannot fathom starvation
oh oprah ghandi solitary sherpa someone help me
scrub my way to enlightenment!
no, no these suds do not call to mind
salty foam brine between my toes as I felt
waves
carry everything away
castle
crumble
motherfucker do your own laundry
yes
I
love
you
and count my blessings like fallen buttons
with finger prick single blood drop sewn back on
but god help me some days
I want to lose them through cracks
excuse myself the step
introduce loss
drama
and I called for jesus too,
come kick my ass and he came
sure did not expect 70 mph
glass breaking bone breaking turn around
seat belt bruises small price for salvation
and still still all I can think today is
throw your own goddamn tea bag away
trash can is inches from the edge waiting
like a big mouth bitch waiting
for you to miss

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[annaswirls]

ouch damn! what a powerful piece, T!

each paean
to your grace and venerable
venereal vessel
may as well be
a kiss from a chisel
my mistake being
wrapping the point
in swollen syrupy syllables
as though it will soften
the carving of my
unspeakable
unwelcome
thoughts
upon the inhospitable slate of your heart

my words are blunt
force
trauma
to you
hollow points with adjectives attached
carving new furrows into virgin flesh
where I can reside
memories where once were open fields
I replace sunflowers
with beseeching snap dragons
sow only perennials
for each season
inescapable

i open your ribs
as though they were your immoral thighs
and with a paring knife
scratch my eternal pledge
into the very center of your being

there in your darkest place
your hiding closet
your safe zone
you thought locked
you thought impregnable

all the while saying
through blood spattered lips
"Can't you see how much I love you?"

you carry my disfigurement
inside
like a childhood regret
alien symbols
searching for
the translation
in some random book
movie
strangers comment
yellowed photograph
or out of focus sex replay
where the faces are mosaic
but still
you accept the malignant gift

one of these will trigger
a shudder
a becoming as the sea

then you will understand

we always seek answers
outside ourselves
as though the mirror
would reflect something
other than whats there


your revelation will be televised
but i will be long gone
and you will lie in bed at night
tracing a finger over flawed hairless flesh
a healed wound
that always hums a strange song
you can't recall
and warns you
of rain