Poetry Workshop

[mischievousgrin]

Cunnilingus Waltz

Start with
slow kiss,
gentle pressure
on hips.

Let your
head dip
lower to
her lips.

Trail tongue
along slit.
Nibble, nip,
nuzzle it.

Swirl ‘round
swollen clit—
playing, teasing
little flicks.

Heavy breathing?
Pulse skips?
That’s it.
That’s it.


Okay, call me old fashioned, but in my book, any poem that involves a tongure swirling 'round a clit belongs safely in the "erotic" category!

I wish that the "her lips" that closed the 2nd stanza was three syllables, so it matched "nuzzle it" and "little flicks". parted lips? shining lips? tender lips?

(i suppose i could say the same about the end of the first stanza..for some reason it was the 2nd that made me wish for an extra syllable)

Thumbs up on the nibble/nip/nuzzle alliteration.

I don't think those question marks are needed at all, and they interrupt the flow.

perhaps if the 2nd "that's it" were italicized it would capture the feeling of a pleased sigh?

Overall i do think the rhythm and playful quality of this captures the correct mood. I don't know how to waltz so I can't say how well you've captured that, but i do know how to er...well....oh nevermind!

 

[mischievousgrin]

I met an old man in a rural resturant...he sat down and grinned at me and said some great things about life ..then he recited an old poem he had ponder on in his head and I really could not remember how it went afterward , only what I had gotten from the message..So I wrote this poem, but, have been picking it up and laying it aside trying to perfect it...so maybe you can strengthen it ange..I really loved his message..and tried to capture it ...in this...luvfromblue
tears of a cosmic comic

to this realm of light

mortal spark

we are born

and handed down to us

is an open book in

tacit blank pages

pen in hand

our story begins

through spirals of starlite

the words flow

in and out of

the chapters of time

formed from imagination

desires and hopes

penned beginning to

end

and oft times the

imagination runs dry

as we think our story

through

yet, there are some

who come along

willing to write the

pages for you...

and allow you to

be the heroine in

the barren chapters

of their dreams....

but the key of a

memorable manuscript is

maintaining your

copyright and scheme

and realizing

the material you

have gathered

while writing your

journal of life

tis but a

comic routine

in the afterlife

hmmm....well its awkward to suddenly come across "memorable manuscript" and "copyright and scheme" after a journey through mortal sparks & spirals of starlite. At first i thought there was almost too much airy imagery, but then with the lines i mentioned, it came crashing down to earth.

I'm not sure "tacit" is an appropriate description for blank pages?

I think this could be tighter with fewer lines, besides the ones i mentioned the bit about imagination running dry seems like your wandering a bit from the main point. The punchline is strong (comic routine / in the afterlife) and I think it would be stronger if there was a little bit less meandering to it.

There are a few places where individual words could be lopped off without losing any meaning , for instance :

and handed down to us
is an open book in

could be:

handed down to us
an open book

 

[mischievousgrin]

now I get to post one

don't hold back now, I can take it. I'm sure this could use the scalpel.


Saint Christopher held my hand
Through another night thinking of him
And the last two minutes of his life
Stumbling and, I don’t know
Cursing or grunting
Like an animal
I wish I knew what it was like
But to do so, I would have to
Perhaps
go into the woods
And find a bear gutshot by a hunter
And ask him.
Oh, how he must have thrashed
And wailed and stomped
And forgotten who we was
And what had happened

But wait, let me go back six months
After his wife’s funeral
And three grown men,
Straining to hold him up
And give the rope some slack
As it digs into the loose skin,
Around his neck
Well, who could blame him.

And we should talk of
The cancer that ate his wife
From the inside out
And watching them bury
Her hollow body
“He just wasn’t thinking clearly”
And in time, the bruises around his neck
Faded
And just as long as someone shows up
Once a day
And brings a hot meal
We can hope for the best
After all, time heals all wounds
(if they’ve been cauterized)

But to bring us back:
To six months after the funeral
And Melissa,
One of the nieces that flutters around
At the edge of his awareness,
Bringing a Christmas eve dinner
And hoping to get him out of the house.

Well, what he had done:
A kitchen knife, into the chest
Enough times so that no one could say exactly
How many times.

And lately I’m thinking,
Maybe he was trying to get at
Something eating him from the inside
Hollowing him out.
I don’t know how else to explain
After all, you can buy rope anywhere.

They say there was blood
In every room in the house
So
What was he looking for?

 

[BooMerengue]

I met an old man in a rural resturant...he sat down and grinned at me and said some great things about life ..then he recited an old poem he had ponder on in his head and I really could not remember how it went afterward , only what I had gotten from the message..So I wrote this poem, but, have been picking it up and laying it aside trying to perfect it...so maybe you can strengthen it ange..I really loved his message..and tried to capture it ...in this...luvfromblue
tears of a cosmic comic

to this realm of light

mortal spark

we are born

and handed down to us

is an open book in

tacit blank pages

pen in hand

our story begins

through spirals of starlite

the words flow

in and out of

the chapters of time

formed from imagination

desires and hopes

penned beginning to

end

and oft times the

imagination runs dry

as we think our story

through

yet, there are some

who come along

willing to write the

pages for you...

and allow you to

be the heroine in

the barren chapters

of their dreams....

but the key of a

memorable manuscript is

maintaining your

copyright and scheme

and realizing

the material you

have gathered

while writing your

journal of life

tis but a

comic routine

in the afterlife

Blue.

Be patient with me. I'm learning here and I don't want to step on any toes. Of the poems to choose from, yours struck me the most, so I chose you! I hope I do good for you.

You presented your theme beautifully. You tell a story thats unique, and easy to find. I didn't have to read a couple times to see your point.

I wasn't crazy about the way you presented it, though. It didn't need the skipped spaces, so I tightened that up.

I like the language you use. It's not humdrum, and its not fake. I don't like a poem where I need a dictionary, and I'm pretty well read, so if I do need a dictionary I stop reading.

I wish you had used a bit more punctuation. To me it leads the reader on, and emphasizes what you are saying.

I sort of changed a few things. I hope this helps.


to this realm of light
we are born,
mortal sparks. I changed the order here.
handed down to us
is an open book in
tacit pages. I think open book says the same as blank pages
pen in hand
our story begins.
the words flow
through spirals of starlite, I changed the order here.
in and out of
the chapters of time,
formed of imagination
desires and hopes
penned from beginning to
end; oft times the
imagination runs dry
as we think our story
ended yet, we could think something 'through' but its not necessarily finished
some come along
to write the fate brings us together, willing or unwilling
pages for you... I get in a LOT of trouble for using these! lol
allowing you to
be the heroine in
the barren chapters
of their dreams....
but the key to a
memorable manuscript is
maintaining your
copyright and scheme
and realizing
the material you
have gathered
while writing your
journal of life
tis but a
comic routine
in the afterlife.

There were a couple places where I rewrote. I'm not sure if I should have done that, but I don't always know how to explain what I mean. Please forgive me.

I think its a wonderful story poem. Great job!

 

[eagleyez]

The Occupation

transformers flash blue light from
power to power and
explosions of coffee sweats a salty
drizzle upon cellophane streets
where chainlinked, the guard dog
moans in frontloader yards
and dumptruck boys with lips all
powdered and sugared
roll up in 4 wheel drive donutboxes
gunracks and tire irons clang like
clarion calls in the town with no city
and the flagger crews bum smokes
and dig for suspender rain gear
in moldy cardboard corners
while pushbutton girls
tip toe thru back to school mud
in discount shoes
and waterfall mascara,
the dried flowers lay scattered on
auctioneer furniture in the flourescent
highbeam of Monday Morning,
half an hour
ahead of the sun.

 

[Angeline]

transformers flash blue light from
power to power and
explosions of coffee sweat salty
drizzle upon cellophane streets
where chainlinked, the guard dog
moans in frontloader yards
and dumptruck boys with lips all
powdered and sugared
roll up in 4 wheel drive donutboxes
gunracks and tire irons clang like
clarion calls in the town with no city
and the flagger crews bum smokes
and dig for suspender rain gear
in moldy cardboard corners
while pushbutton girls
tip toe thru Monday mud
in discount shoes
and waterfall mascara,
the dried flowers scattered on
auctioneer furniture in the flourescent
highbeam of Monday Morning,
half an hour
ahead of the sun.

It's perfect.

Now go shave.

 

[eagleyez]

It's perfect.

Now go shave.

check that off as it is done with ease.

more effects on the monitors please.

a sense of place

the scent of your face

leans in with a kiss

and leaves me your trace.

 

[bluerains]

thanks so much boo. and mischievousgrin

here are some changes to view...this old poem has a lot of meaning to me ...an event of one of those living guardian angels who come along when we most need them ...and make us see the humor in our fears...thanks...let me know what you think of the changes...

]Tears Of A Cosmic Comic..

To this realm of light we are born
mortal spark.

Handed down to us, an open book
on a penned cusp as our story begins.

Words flow through spirals
of starlite, in and out of
chapters of time , formed
from imagination, desires
and hopes;
written from root to seed

Oft time imagination runs
dry as we muse
and speculate a story ended and society
or fate are always willing to write
a page or two;
casting you heroine
in their parched pages
to pursue.

But, the key of a memorable manuscript
is maintaining the copyright and scheme
and realizing the material we have gathered,
while writing this epic journal of a life
tis, but a comic routine in the afterlife. [/QUOTE]

Blue.

Be patient with me. I'm learning here and I don't want to step on any toes. Of the poems to choose from, yours struck me the most, so I chose you! I hope I do good for you.

You presented your theme beautifully. You tell a story thats unique, and easy to find. I didn't have to read a couple times to see your point.

I wasn't crazy about the way you presented it, though. It didn't need the skipped spaces, so I tightened that up.

I like the language you use. It's not humdrum, and its not fake. I don't like a poem where I need a dictionary, and I'm pretty well read, so if I do need a dictionary I stop reading.

I wish you had used a bit more punctuation. To me it leads the reader on, and emphasizes what you are saying.

I sort of changed a few things. I hope this helps.


to this realm of light
we are born,
mortal sparks. I changed the order here.
handed down to us
is an open book in
tacit pages. I think open book says the same as blank pages
pen in hand
our story begins.
the words flow
through spirals of starlite, I changed the order here.
in and out of
the chapters of time,
formed of imagination
desires and hopes
penned from beginning to
end; oft times the
imagination runs dry
as we think our story
ended yet, we could think something 'through' but its not necessarily finished
some come along
to write the fate brings us together, willing or unwilling
pages for you... I get in a LOT of trouble for using these! lol
allowing you to
be the heroine in
the barren chapters
of their dreams....
but the key to a
memorable manuscript is
maintaining your
copyright and scheme
and realizing
the material you
have gathered
while writing your
journal of life
tis but a
comic routine
in the afterlife.

There were a couple places where I rewrote. I'm not sure if I should have done that, but I don't always know how to explain what I mean. Please forgive me.

I think its a wonderful story poem. Great job!

 

[Du Lac]

]Tears Of A Cosmic Comic..

To this realm of light we are born
mortal spark.

Handed down to us, an open book
on a penned cusp as our story begins.

Words flow through spirals
of starlite, in and out of
chapters of time , formed
from imagination, desires
and hopes;
written from root to seed

Oft time imagination runs
dry as we muse
and speculate a story ended and society
or fate are always willing to write
a page or two;
casting you heroine
in their parched pages
to pursue.

But, the key of a memorable manuscript
is maintaining the copyright and scheme
and realizing the material we have gathered,
while writing this epic journal of a life
tis, but a comic routine in the afterlife. [/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

Blue
You did a wonderful job rewriting this. I felt the biggest problem with the poem earlier was structure and mechanics. Now that you have tightened it all together the message of the work is strong to the point and powerful. It got lost before. While I enjoy having to read a poem with a dictionary next to me I at time need a poem just as this, lesson strong and right there for me to learn from.

To me this rewrite was the perfect example of how when we work as open, honest people and the fear of rejection or ego bruising is a non-issue, the poetry improves. There is a huge improvement in this work and I feel it is a perfect example of how community kindness and honey/vinegar teaching makes the poet strive to a higher level. I now go to Rybka's with a dictionary lol... with glee and hopefulness that I will once again learn more!
blessings
du~

 

[bluerains]

thanks du~

it was a poem I was reluctant to tackle again...as at the time I wrote it ..I did so with raw emotion and memory of the event...and now, I am ready to polish it and let it go...into the world of those who need it...as well the old man was dirty tired from being the the fields all day...and yet took the time for a terrified alone person like me to give me a boost with his old irish verse...thanks again du...

]Tears Of A Cosmic Comic..

To this realm of light we are born
mortal spark.

Handed down to us, an open book
on a penned cusp as our story begins.

Words flow through spirals
of starlite, in and out of
chapters of time , formed
from imagination, desires
and hopes;
written from root to seed

Oft time imagination runs
dry as we muse
and speculate a story ended and society
or fate are always willing to write
a page or two;
casting you heroine
in their parched pages
to pursue.

But, the key of a memorable manuscript
is maintaining the copyright and scheme
and realizing the material we have gathered,
while writing this epic journal of a life
tis, but a comic routine in the afterlife.

[/QUOTE]

Blue
You did a wonderful job rewriting this. I felt the biggest problem with the poem earlier was structure and mechanics. Now that you have tightened it all together the message of the work is strong to the point and powerful. It got lost before. While I enjoy having to read a poem with a dictionary next to me I at time need a poem just as this, lesson strong and right there for me to learn from.

To me this rewrite was the perfect example of how when we work as open, honest people and the fear of rejection or ego bruising is a non-issue, the poetry improves. There is a huge improvement in this work and I feel it is a perfect example of how community kindness and honey/vinegar teaching makes the poet strive to a higher level. I now go to Rybka's with a dictionary lol... with glee and hopefulness that I will once again learn more!
blessings
du~[/QUOTE]

 

[Du Lac]

Submission Rybka Loon comments

Loon
Rybka


Lonely laughing lunatic
Loki

Devious deep diver
Demon

Maudlin midnight maniac
Murderer of the mists

Why?

Great gaunt Gavia
What ghoulish god do you serve
Sleazy scurrilous screams sounding
Scudding across the rim of sleep
Chalk board scraper of the soul

You bring memories of things best forgotten (too long)
Thoughts of emptiness
The vastness of eternity

Alone.

Whence came your wild whickering (whinny? like a horse?)
Your haunting harrowing halloo
Harbinger of hopelessness
Immersed immer
Fish eater

Who wakes you screaming in the dark
Faustian fowl

Does the shivering silver of the swallowed fish return (too long)
Like thoughts of those things gone (eek.. Like? reword)
Sliding down the throat of time
Sticking in the craw of the mind

Do you call to the past
Forgetting the joy of the living
Feathered fool
Downy dunce

Masterly mimic of my mind


I too cry in the night.

First I will say that I loved this write. Now... let me see if I got it right and explore the avenues that will help it.

Structure: I like and feel it is strongly used to get the point across.

Theme: This is what I get from the poem:

The poem is about your darker half, the seeker of knowledge. You the poet acknowledge or symbolize yourself as a fish. The Loon is one who feeds on fish. This is a thinkers poem and I hope that I do not go to deep but I brought me to Pythagorean thought due to your line: Faustian fowl combined with images of the feeding off of the fish essence. So here is what I felt was the being related in this poem:

the notion of the "limit" that the "boundless" takes form.

The Loon is the limit: the part of your essence, soul, being, spirit etc. that craves knowledge, facts, etc. that only explore the limits of reality. Once you recognize this which is what I feel you do here in this poem then the boundlessness of the fish which has been eaten takes form.

I also get the sense of a lesson from the Gospel of Thomas in this work, your reference to child metaphors:

Chalk board scraper of the soul
and
Downy dunce

the first is a reminder of sitting in a classroom a soul school of learning,
downy sends a thought of innocence, the new born. A transitional place, for in the gospel of T. it states the oldest person will learn from the child. The poet is telling us that he is not there yet... downy .. the changing process, but still a dunce, not fully grasping the wisdom of the child.

This is a poem about the struggle that strives in our soul before we grasp onto full blown faith. Mystical verses Realistic. Mind vs. the heart.
I found the mystical brought in by the use of :
Loki, Faustian, demon, mists, immer and of course the fish.

Let me explain the fish symbol. For me it is not the limits of religion or organized Christianity rather the true gnostic teachings of a man who grasped the limits in order to become boundless.

Here we see that the Loon is haunted by the knowledge possessed by the fish:
Does the shivering silver of the swallowed fish return
Like thoughts of those things gone
Sliding down the throat of time
Sticking in the craw of the mind

Hence, to end this, I feel the poet is at the edge of true understanding but can not get there. There is still the battle within, and both halves, the Loon and the fish both cry in the night because what they desire is right there in front of them, but it can not be reached or obtained hence the deep pain that sits in this poem.

I could go on and on but I will not subject all to this mania I have with this poem lol.

Mechanics:

Use commas, periods, and question marks. I feel that if these are used the work will have more power. Also I made a couple of notes near lines that I thought could use work. Too long or rewording some small changes there. I have to add I loved the use of repetition, a line littered with s words etc. I created a feeling and flow to the work.

Subject: is easily seen, as related in my thoughts of the Theme.

One final notation: the total word count here is 136. When we use numerology to the works of the poem combined with the beliefs of Pythagorean (base on numbers, mathematics etc.), you do this: 1+3+6=10, 1+0= 1. Hence strengthening my thoughts on the two becoming 1.. or whole. Just a wee bit of mystic info applied to the structure of the poem.

In conclusion, Rybka thank you for posting this write. I just got all fired up by it. I feel it is excellent and will be outstanding once some mechanical changes are made. This is my type of poetry. A dictionary and google ready piece lol... thank you for the experience, the lesson and the journey.

blessings
du lac~

 

[flyguy69]

I'm not sure I see the distinction from the "Thin-skinned" thread here, but I appreciate the energy you have injected into this effort, Ange. Notably missing from your rubric is the "Does it make me wank?" criterion.

And I am thrilled to see the enthusiasm with which folks are participating!

 

[Rybka]

Make this thread a sub-forum!

I'm not sure I see the distinction from the "Thin-skinned" thread here, but I appreciate the energy you have injected into this effort, Ange. Notably missing from your rubric is the "Does it make me wank?" criterion.

And I am thrilled to see the enthusiasm with which folks are participating!

I think that this thread should be made into a "sub-forum". I have problems with it as a "thread", because the comments on each poem are strung out through the entire thread and you have to search for them. This is bad enough if you are only trying to read what others have said about your own poem, but it is even worse if you want to comment on somebody elses submission. Most of the posts aren't even titled to indicate which poem they are about, so I have to skim the entire thread each time in order to make sure that I am not being redundant. If each poem had its own thread in a sub-forum then all the information would be in one place and it would be much easier to respond properly. - And, sub-forums are quite technically feasible.

Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I think that this thread should be made into a "sub-forum".

We've been working on something similar to that for a few days, based on an idea that wildsweetone had on "the new number one" thread. I'm loving the way this is going, and it's so funny how Ange could have almost been reading my mind when she started this one. Not surprised, though.

 

[wildsweetone]

sorry

 

[Tzara]

Comment on mischievousgrin submission

Hi, MG.

Here's some thoughts.

Theme: You're out of my league to comment on this. I think the basic theme of your poem is wonderfully expressed. You seem to have a natural gift for storytelling (or, if it was just hard work to get to that point, it certainly reads very naturally).

Structure: I think this is the biggest problem with this poem. The flashback in the middle seems awkward and confusing, particularly the transitions in and out of the flashback:

But wait, let me go back six months
After his wife's funeral

(...stuff...)

But to bring us back:
To six months after the funeral

This is made particularly confusing by the use of "back" in both transitions (the second is kind of "back to the future! ). I thought about suggesting this be set off in some way--in italics, say, or indented from the framing pieces of the poem, but I'm not sure either of those would work very well.

The poem seems to have a kind of fractured "Russian doll" structure time-wise, which is interesting but makes it difficult to follow. If the main events are these, chronologically:

1. Wife's cancer, death, and burial
2. Man's first suicide attempt, six months later
3. Man's recovery following suicide attempt
4. Niece finding man's body after successful suicide
5. Narrator pondering man's emotional state during (4)

I get the flow of time in the poem as

5-2-1-3-4-5

There is a kind of elegance to this and it perhaps could work well with smoother transitions between the time frames, but right now I get a little lost.

Alternatively, you might want to try interweaving the narrator's current thoughts with the past events presented in chronological order, i.e.:

5-1-5-2-5-3-5-4-5

or

5-1-2-5-3-4-5

either of which might make the use of indentation or italics to reflect the chronology change easier to follow.

I really like the finish, by the way--the last two strophes.

Word Choice: Not a lot of complaints here. Many of the images are excellent.

I do find

Oh, how he must have thrashed
And wailed and stomped

a little overdone (the "wailed and stomped" part, anyway). And this seems to more or less restate the "Cursing and grunting/Like an animal" from just above.

I also find "(if they've been cauterized)" unnecessary. We already know those wounds weren't cauterized, and I think "cauterized" is a bit of a fancy word among the wonderfully plain speech elsewhere in the poem.

Mechanics: I would like to see at least a little more punctuation for readability, although you could perhaps go the other way and reduce the punctuation further to emphasize the casual, run-on randomness of the narrator's thoughts. Either would probably work.

It would perhaps work better for me if you weren't capitalizing each line, but rather putting capitals only where needed for sentence structure. I think that might reinforce the conversational tone that you have reproduced so well. If you decide to keep the caps, there are a couple places they are missing.

All in all, this has incredible potential and I'm jealous!

I look forward to reading any future revisions.

tz

Editud for speling.

now I get to post one

don't hold back now, I can take it. I'm sure this could use the scalpel.


Saint Christopher held my hand
Through another night thinking of him
And the last two minutes of his life
Stumbling and, I don’t know
Cursing or grunting
Like an animal
I wish I knew what it was like
But to do so, I would have to
Perhaps
go into the woods
And find a bear gutshot by a hunter
And ask him.
Oh, how he must have thrashed
And wailed and stomped
And forgotten who we was
And what had happened

But wait, let me go back six months
After his wife’s funeral
And three grown men,
Straining to hold him up
And give the rope some slack
As it digs into the loose skin,
Around his neck
Well, who could blame him.

And we should talk of
The cancer that ate his wife
From the inside out
And watching them bury
Her hollow body
“He just wasn’t thinking clearly”
And in time, the bruises around his neck
Faded
And just as long as someone shows up
Once a day
And brings a hot meal
We can hope for the best
After all, time heals all wounds
(if they’ve been cauterized)

But to bring us back:
To six months after the funeral
And Melissa,
One of the nieces that flutters around
At the edge of his awareness,
Bringing a Christmas eve dinner
And hoping to get him out of the house.

Well, what he had done:
A kitchen knife, into the chest
Enough times so that no one could say exactly
How many times.

And lately I’m thinking,
Maybe he was trying to get at
Something eating him from the inside
Hollowing him out.
I don’t know how else to explain
After all, you can buy rope anywhere.

They say there was blood
In every room in the house
So
What was he looking for?

 

[CharleyH]

This is my thread for workshopping poems. It's a place to get and give critique on your poems. We can learn from each other here and help each other be better poets. Everyone is welcome, but if you want to participate you need to agree to go by the rules. Don't worry, there aren't many.

Here they are:

1. This thread is about poems. I don't care if you banter; hell, I hijack my own threads with regularity, but try to stick to the poems as much as possible.

2. Be kind. Don't make generalizations about the quality of a poem unless you can back them up with specific examples. Honesty is best, but be respectful. Everyone here is a grownup. We don't need tough love--we all have parents already; we need kind objectivity. If you can't understand that, then this thread isn't for you. If you simply want to argue or prove what you know about poetry, you don't belong here. If you want to learn and help each other and feel good about it in the process, you've come to the right place. Everyone who can live with that is welcome. Everyone.

3. You must give feedback in order to get it. This is the big one. You can't get critique here if you don't give it. If you post a poem in this thread for feedback, it constitutes an agreement on your part to comment on two other poems by two other poets. Ok? For every poem you post, you must comment on two other poems.

4. Follow the guidelines for evaluating what you read. We need a common understanding of how we are judging each other. I'm judging everything I read here--form or free verse--by the same standard. I'm not going to give short shrift to everyone except my "pals" and I expect the same from you. Here is the "rubric" (or guideline) I'd like us all to use.

Poetry Workshop Rubric​

Think about the following elements when you review a poem here:

_____a. Theme: Can you tell what the poem is supposed to be about? It might be a "story" or just present a series of images, but a good poem communicates an essence of something with clarity. A great poem communicates it with precision. It uses all the right words to say what the poet wants to convey. A weak poem doesn't communicate a theme very well (or at all). There can be various reasons why, but its sum effect is to leave the reader confused as to what it's about (i.e., you don't get anything from reading it). Try to judge whether there is an effective theme being communicated in the poems you review here. If you think not, explain why specifically.

_____b. Structure: Does the form of the poem, the way it is constructed from line to line help or hinder achieving its theme? If you think the structure is problematic, explain why. Are the lines broken in a way that you find confusing? In what way would you rearrange them to make it better? Is the poem cohesive? That is, can the poet carry a tone or "voice" through to the last line or not? If the tone (or voice) changes, are the transitions from one part to the next effective or not? If you think not, how specifically would you make it better?

_____c. Word Choice: Has the poet chosen the best possible words to convey the images and, overall, the theme? Do you think the poem relies on cliche? Does the poem use poetic devices (like image and metaphor) well or not? If not, how would you change it so that it does? Give specific suggestions.

_____d. Mechanics: Mechanics are spelling, grammar and punctuation. Good poems don't have errors. Period. If you don't want to correct your errors to make your poem better because you don't care or because it's "art" or whatever, I'm the wrong person to give you feedback. Don't feel you need to spend a lot of time pointing out every missing comma or spelling error, but if you feel the poem you're reviewing needs a good cleanup, point it out. If someone points it out to you, be grateful they did. If you can suggest resources that you think will help, do so.

5. Be appreciative. You aren't bound to take anyone's suggestions--it's your poem after all--but recognize that it takes time and effort to give this sort of review. Thank you is a good thing. By the same token, if someone doesn't take your suggestions, don't take it personally. Maybe you didn't understand, maybe they found a better way, who knows?

You don't have to comment on every one of these things, but obviously the more you can say, the better. Try to comment on at least two or three of the points in the rubric if you feel you can. I really think it will help to have a common understanding of what and how we are evaluating each other's poems.

That's it. We'll just help each other and try to improve our poems. I'll do the best I can, but I'm no expert, and where forms are concerned be aware that I know some not at all and may not feel qualified to comment on whether you met the requirement of the form. Also, I doubt I'll be able to do more than a few reviews a week because I'm pretty busy, but that's good because everyone needs experience at this sort of critiquing. It's a good thing to practice.

Otherwise you're on the honor system to do the right thing and make this experiment work.

Now we need two volunteers to post a poem each and get us started.

I think this is a WAY cool idea Ang, but I see a problem, and apparently several addressed it, so I need not say anything more than VERY COOL! I'm in.

 

[Rybka]

We've been working on something similar to that for a few days, based on an idea that wildsweetone had on "the new number one" thread. I'm loving the way this is going, and it's so funny how Ange could have almost been reading my mind when she started this one. Not surprised, though.

I will save my comments until it happens.

 

[Angeline]

I will save my comments until it happens.

I can read Lauren's mind, you know. I can only understand about half of what I read there though.

 

[Angeline]

I'm not sure I see the distinction from the "Thin-skinned" thread here, but I appreciate the energy you have injected into this effort, Ange. Notably missing from your rubric is the "Does it make me wank?" criterion.

And I am thrilled to see the enthusiasm with which folks are participating!

The distinction I see my friend is that people seem comfortable posting here. I'm not sure why that never happened on the "thin-skinned" and "progress" threads, but they seem to be places where relatively few are at ease putting their poems out for review. That's not anyone's fault, but it is the way it has worked out.

This thread lays out rules very specifically--both in terms of what is expected from those who participate and in what constiitutes a thorough review. One may or may not agree that I've emphasized the right things or done so in the right way, but I think trying to level the playing field lets people know what to expect.

I also think people need to hear that *everyone* has an equal chance of getting a review and that each will be judged according to the same basic criteria.

We all share a love of poetry. Some here are more formally educated in poetry than others--not that *that* is ever an assurance of really knowing anything, lol--but we each have a perspective to contribute. We grow by teaching each other how best to communicate that.

Perhaps you'd like to develop an erotic poem rubric. I think you have the key criterion figured out.

 

[Angeline]

Tears of a Cosmic Comic

Tears Of A Cosmic Comic..

To this realm of light we are born
mortal spark.

Handed down to us, an open book
on a penned cusp as our story begins.

Words flow through spirals
of starlite, in and out of
chapters of time , formed
from imagination, desires
and hopes;
written from root to seed

Oft time imagination runs
dry as we muse
and speculate a story ended and society
or fate are always willing to write
a page or two;
casting you heroine
in their parched pages
to pursue.

But, the key of a memorable manuscript
is maintaining the copyright and scheme
and realizing the material we have gathered,
while writing this epic journal of a life
tis, but a comic routine in the afterlife. [/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

Blue, I wanted to comment on your poem but I was very busy today. I'm glad I waited though because you've done some work on it already, and you're moving it in the right direction.

In terms of the rubric I have these comments:

Theme: I loved your original story that your guru/muse told you. To me the best part about it is not the tale itself, but who told it and how it was passed on to you. Because of this, I see a dichotomy in your poem that needs to be resolved: on one hand you have an interesting story that was a lesson/gift to you from an interesting character. What that person actually has to say though is general and philosophical.

If, in a poem, one surrenders too much of the "backstory" to its message, one loses the imagery and authenticity that makes for good narrative. The reader is left with generalities--and generalities can not, in my opinion, carry a poem. The best poems I read offer specific images that convey a sense of the writer or the character(s) the writer creates, and these convey an intimacy that draws a reader into a poem, makes it feel "real." The underlying strength of the poem by mischieviousgrin, for example, is the voice of the speaker, which is so distinctive you can almost hear it. That voice creates a visual for me of who that person is and of the world from which he speaks.

I think your poem needs a rehaul that casts it in the context of who your person is. I want to know what he looks like, where he is when the story was told. I want to feel like I'm there. And if the narrator is relaying his story, I want to know who she is. Why was this person and his story important to her? I suspect that this man is a metaphor for the advice he gives. That is poetic. If you paint that picture clearly enough, the message will come through subtly but organically across the poem and that will be powerful writing.

Structure and Word Choice flow from the redesign. Word Choice is critical though, imo, in terms of creating a tone or voice that does as much to communicate the "message" as the actual images you choose to express.

Mechanics is like housecleaning. We all need to do it, but there's no need to address it until you resolve the theme.

I know you understand that I say this with respect and recognition that this means a lot to you--that's why you wanted to write the poem in the first place, lol. You have something important to say in this piece. If you keep working on it, it will reach its potential. Set it aside for a while and cogitate on it if you need to do that (I often do with my poems), but post your revisions here or elsewhere for review when you're ready.


Ange

 

[champagne1982]

Carrie Comment, Rybka: Loon

Lonely laughing lunatic
Loki
​

At first I was wondering why you'd use a Norse God, like Loki to describe the loon. With a bit of research, I find that the word 'loon' is likely derived from a Scandanavian one, lume meaning clumsy, describing the bird on land.

Interesting. Thanks.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I'll read it

Well boyz, I'm gonna go shower after a long day of cleaning. I'll comment on both these poems a bit later.

If anyone else wants to in the meantime, jump in.

In the spirit of sharing, please, Angeline, report to all of us about your join shower.

Regards,

 

[Angeline]

In the spirit of sharing, please, Angeline, report to all of us about your join shower.

Regards,

It was very refreshing Senna. I had spent the day doing fall cleaning and I felt tired and grubby.

It's nice to see you're still concerned for my welfare.

Regards back.

 

[PatCarrington]

It was very refreshing Senna. I had spent the day doing fall cleaning and I felt tired and grubby.

It's nice to see you're still concerned for my welfare.

Regards back.

"fall cleaning"?

jesus - aren't you domestic and on top of things.

or is chilly already in maine?

good morning.