Pregnancy and Parenting

[tiez]

I don't think his fears of losing attention are irrational. I don't think they're unfounded. It's how you (plural) end up maintaining your relationship even while a child enters the picture that will determine your future with all of it.

Keep talking, keep chatting, be open with each other. If he feels he needs a night with you, make a date. If he is feeling left out, perhaps there are some things he can do to be more involved. I fed our babies when they were very young with milk that my wife froze ahead of time, for those times when she wasn't around. In hindsight, I'd have liked to have fed them more often when they were even younger. But with our second one, he was having a hell of a time eating, so we couldn't do better there.

Fears that are confronted and discussed dissolve from being fears and turn into opportunities.

My father-in-law told me (he has four children) "it all changes from here... " when our first child was born (his first grandchild). I mostly agree with him. It's not been the same since, but my wife and I make time for each other periodically. Not having family nearby makes it a little harder, but it's still possible.

As long as you keep talking and make time for each other, it'll be fine. Really.

Keep talking

 

[lil_slave_rose]

This particular issue is on my mind lately, but I can't quite flesh it all out right now.

As far as your scenario goes, I think you'll be fine because your relationship is a priority. Mothers who make their relationship with their kid or kids the primary relationship in the home usually end up with unhappy marriages and kids who think they are the center of the universe. On the other hand, you should give yourself a little space to have all sorts of emotions and feelings about this right after the baby is born. Your hormones are going to be all over the place, and you might want to just cuddle with your baby for 24 hours straight or something. Or you might not. The first several months are nutty, but it's not permanent.

i really don't agree with this. in my opinion, the children SHOULD come first, before anyone or anything, period. my kids ARE the center of my universe. and my relationship is not an unhappy one because of it. i don't have much respect for any mother who puts her man, relationship, work etc..as first priority in her life, and luckily for me, Master feels the same way, though i know there will be times that He gets annoyed when my kids are taking up all the attention, but He still understands that's just the way it is and will always be, or atleast until they are old enough to fend for themselves. you can balance both things..Relationship/kids at least most can. and hopefully as someone else said, Daddy will be to busy spending time with baby to realize the attention is not fully focused on Him as well. it's a change, for sure but again as i said before, not one that can't be dealt with with good communication and alot of love *smiles*

 

[JMohegan]

As far as your scenario goes, I think you'll be fine because your relationship is a priority. Mothers who make their relationship with their kid or kids the primary relationship in the home usually end up with unhappy marriages and kids who think they are the center of the universe.

Leaving aside cases involving AWOL fathers, deadbeat fathers, noncommittal fathers, and the like..... I agree with your observation and believe you are offering excellent advice.

The relationship between the parents is the foundation on which the entire family structure is built. A strong, healthy, and happy relationship between the parents provides security, comfort, and stability for the children.

We don't believe we can nuture our child as well as possible if we fail to nuture ourselves and our marriage. That's not to say we'll neglect our kid in favor of doing things that help our relationship; its just a matter of putting the extra effort into keeping 'us' as a priority.

Exactly.

Think of it like those instructions they give you for the oxygen masks on airplanes. Putting on your own mask first doesn't mean you value your life more than the life of the child sitting next to you.

 

[JMohegan]

For us, I think that's the crux of it. We're still finding our way outside of the bedroom especially, so it's difficult to envision how we'll continue to do that with the infinite changes pregnancy and parenting will bring. If our dynamic were more established, I think there'd be less uncertainty overall, but the novelty definitely adds to the fear of the unknown.

I understand your fear of the unknown, but I don't think you are necessarily in a disadvantageous position relative to more experienced lifestyle couples expecting a child for the first time.

Consider the case of a couple I know personally. The dynamic in their relationship pre-pregnancy was: She was allowed to offer her opinion and express her feelings whenever she felt inclined to do so, but his word was law on *everything*. She adored both him and their lifestyle, and was perfectly happy giving up control over all aspects of her life..... until the baby came.

All of a sudden, she cared a great deal about many issues that she had not even imagined arising in the past. All of a sudden, a new human being appeared whom she loved as much as her Master. Inevitably, there were conflicts between her sense of love and devotion to each of them.

These parents had to go back to square one and adjust the entire dynamic of their relationship in order for it to survive. They had to learn how to negotiate and compromise in many areas of their lives together - two things they had never really done in the past. It was a very difficult period of adjustment for both of them.

That is an extreme example, but all established couples who incorporate non-bedroom D/s as part of their relationships go through the same type of thing, in varying degrees, when their first child arrives.

The reason I say you are not necessarily at a disadvantage, Erika, is precisely because you do *not* have a firm and entrenched dynamic that might make adjustment more difficult.

In addition, I'd say you have an enormous advantage over many lifestyle relationships in the communications department. You have experience with negotiation and compromise, and in many, many ways that's what joint parenting is all about. Two people will never agree on every single decision to be made with regard to a child. Preferences and opinions will shift as the child ages, and will shift again if you have a second child - especially one of a different gender.

If you want D/s to exist outside the bedroom, then you will find a way to make it happen. My advice is simply to look at the structure of your relationship sort of like the U.S. Constitution. Flexible and adaptable through the amendment process, and therefore a structure that endures.

 

[intothewoods]

i really don't agree with this. in my opinion, the children SHOULD come first, before anyone or anything, period. my kids ARE the center of my universe. and my relationship is not an unhappy one because of it. i don't have much respect for any mother who puts her man, relationship, work etc..as first priority in her life, and luckily for me, Master feels the same way, though i know there will be times that He gets annoyed when my kids are taking up all the attention, but He still understands that's just the way it is and will always be, or atleast until they are old enough to fend for themselves.

I think it's different when your partner isn't the children's father. It's certainly more complicated, and I don't presume to have all the answers.

Having said that, I'm not suggesting anyone put their "man" first, like some guest on Ricky Lake or something. What I am saying is that the relationship between the mother and father is the foundation for the family. I think it's important for kids to see that their parents aren't just two people who serve their needs.

Do you remember the brouhaha over that NY Times Sunday Styles essay by Aylet Waldeman? The one in which she said she loves her husband more than her kids? She's a complete nut, and likes to make extreme statements like that, but she made some interesting observations about the competitive mommy types out there (first of all, none of them are getting laid). I have a toddler (I think it's more prevalent amongst mothers of young kids), so I run into a lot of them. Competitive mommies are so wrapped up in every little detail of their kid's lives that their love and obsession for their kids overshadows their marital relationship. Whatever, it's really something I run into on other message boards I frequent. Obviously if a mother is posting on literotica, she doesn't focus on her kids 24/7.

 

[FurryFury]

Let's face it pregnancy and child rearing change people and relationships in all kinds of ways that are often not easy to predict. A man might suddenly decide that his wonderfully naughty wife was now a mother and therefore forbidden. Don't laugh it happens.

A woman might suddenly find that she can't stand to be touched after holding the babies and breastfeeding all day.

Now should the parents be child centered or couple centered, that is a thorny question. One of those awfully strict men who writes books on parenting, Rosemond or Dobson, I forget which says something that made a lot of sense to me when I was researching parenting methods. He said that the parents should be mostly child centered right up until the child was of an age to sense that. At that point one should start making the child become adult centered. The child should feel secure but respectful of the adults, when they are talking for instance the child should learn how to wait to be heard. At no time should the couple's relationship be neglected however.

This is why I tell all of my baby making buds to make sure they have regularly scheduled dates at least every month and a half out with their husband. Of course I also tell them they need to make time to get together with their friends (like me !), and time just for them. This is hard to arrange but the rewards are worth the effort.

Fury

 

[agibean]

i already have children going into this..but i can tell you it's the same questions regardless. but, in the presence of my kids Master is 'Love' 'honey' 'sweetie' whatever we both know the meaning behind whatever title i call Him so my kids do not need to hear me call Him Master or Sir though sometimes i do say 'yes Sir' and my kids just smile thinking i'm being a smart ass (haha) Master also knows my kids needs come first, period and He would have it no other way. He's not worried about the attention that they will take away from Him because He knows they are my world and they come before ANYONE in my life. He's told me a million times that if i did put HIM first, He would lose respect for me. i will kneel at His feet while watching a movie even if my kids are in the room, but they think nothing of it because, well, i'm just sitting on the floor. i don't think in order to live this lifestyle if you have kids that you have to change 'much' and they don't ever have to be exposed to it or know what is going on, things can and (with us) are done subtly to keep that power exchange dynamic alive even with the kids around.

This exactly. I had two coming into this marriage and we had one of our own, and I would add that it's not so much the lifestyle that changes with kids, it's EVERYTHING ELSE. I had no idea I could get by with sleeping in 2-hour segments for 3 years, for example. I have one daughter who literally woke up like that from birth until we learned she had asthma (cough variant, hard to diagnose).

The primarty thing we've changed is that we don't do anything really loud or that would make it too difficult for me to extricate myself fomr in order to tend to the youngest. I clearly remember when she was a newborn, sudden;y screaming her head off while my husband and I were in the middle of a serious scene. I was in no shape to go to her, so he did it, but I felt awful for having to take time to recover before I could soothe her. We never got that involved again while she was still tiny.

 

[agibean]

What I am saying is that the relationship between the mother and father is the foundation for the family. I think it's important for kids to see that their parents aren't just two people who serve their needs.

I see what you're saying, and I agree. I think it's entirely possible to be child-centered and still have a good marriage. Where the problems happen is where the children take such precidence over the father that he's an afterthought. THere's a mother on a parenting group to which I belong that moved into the child's bedroom for the first 3 years of his life. The husband got whatever time she had left him, which wasn't a whole lot. That's a divorce in the making, if you ask me.

 

[FurryFury]

I would have never expected it but when I had my first child I found there were some ways of raising a child I could tolerate and some I absolutely could not. If my husband hadn't been able to accommodate those unforeseen issues I'm not sure what would have happened.

He wasn't the legal or biological father at first, but he helped deliver and has been the functional father from about the first trimester on.

Fortunately, we have always had our patently disagreements behind closed doors and presented a untied front to our kids.

I think that is important to the kids. They always have know the few boundaries would be enforced by both of us. It makes kids feel secure to have that.

Fury

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I think it's different when your partner isn't the children's father. It's certainly more complicated, and I don't presume to have all the answers.

Having said that, I'm not suggesting anyone put their "man" first, like some guest on Ricky Lake or something. What I am saying is that the relationship between the mother and father is the foundation for the family. I think it's important for kids to see that their parents aren't just two people who serve their needs.

Do you remember the brouhaha over that NY Times Sunday Styles essay by Aylet Waldeman? The one in which she said she loves her husband more than her kids? She's a complete nut, and likes to make extreme statements like that, but she made some interesting observations about the competitive mommy types out there (first of all, none of them are getting laid). I have a toddler (I think it's more prevalent amongst mothers of young kids), so I run into a lot of them. Competitive mommies are so wrapped up in every little detail of their kid's lives that their love and obsession for their kids overshadows their marital relationship. Whatever, it's really something I run into on other message boards I frequent. Obviously if a mother is posting on literotica, she doesn't focus on her kids 24/7.

while i do understand what you're saying, even when i was with THEIR father, he didn't come first, *shrugs* it's just the way it is with me, my kids are #1 in my life then comes everything else, though that doesn't mean i don't work hard to maintain my relationship also. i am defiantly not one of the 'competitive mom's that you are talking about, BUT my kids are the center of my universe, at least until they are old enough to fend for themselves.

i'm not sure why if someone posts on lit, it means she's not focused on her kids? i can assure you when i'm sitting at this computer, if my kids need something, i get off of it and do whatever it is. i also know that mom and dad's (stepdad's) relationship is the foundation of the family but i can keep that foundation solid and still have my kids come first. obviously this is my point of view and i'm not speaking for anyone else, this is just the way it works for me, and lucky for me i have a Master who feels the same so it's not an issue.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I see what you're saying, and I agree. I think it's entirely possible to be child-centered and still have a good marriage. Where the problems happen is where the children take such precidence over the father that he's an afterthought. THere's a mother on a parenting group to which I belong that moved into the child's bedroom for the first 3 years of his life. The husband got whatever time she had left him, which wasn't a whole lot. That's a divorce in the making, if you ask me.

i agree with you, and this wasn't what i was talking about when i said my kids come first in my life. i would not move out of my bedroom for 3 years BUT if my child is sick, has a nightmare, whatever you better believe i'm there in an instant, no matter what i'm doing. i agree that the scenario you described IS indeed a divorce in the making. funny though how your a child can make you just forget about everything and everyone else and just focus on them, i did that with my first, i was 16 years old, i was in a bad relationship anyway, so it was easy to lose myself in my baby, which i did. i don't regret it, but it defiantly played a part (a very small part) in the breakup of me and her father, the biggest part was that i was 16 and not ready to live as 'man and wife' kind of life. anyway, i guess the whole point is, a baby WILL change things but not enough that if you have alot of love already for each other, that you can't get through. it's a joint effort and if one is feeling left out because too much time gets spent with the baby and the focus is off of them, then maybe they need to spend more time with the baby also *shrugs* again, just my opinion. but having read Erika's posts for months now, i truly don't think there will be ANY problems with this for them, they seem to be already a 'solid' foundation, and that helps ALOT.

 

[intothewoods]

i'm not sure why if someone posts on lit, it means she's not focused on her kids?

Obviously you aren't 100% focused on your kids when you're on lit. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm on it right now! I think it's healthy to have other interests. That's kind of my point.

i agree with you, and this wasn't what i was talking about when i said my kids come first in my life. i would not move out of my bedroom for 3 years BUT if my child is sick, has a nightmare, whatever you better believe i'm there in an instant, no matter what i'm doing.

Well, of course. I'm not suggesting that you roll over and say, oh well, they'll work it out.

The mom you mention agibean is exactly the kind of mom I'm talking about. I have more thoughts on this, but I gotta go make a cake with my 2 year old.